Antero's practise journal 3

40 min sit in the train

The vibration of sensations that I have been experiencing throughout the day is now felt very clearly. My upper body, arms and head is one cloud of tingling energy.

Someone is speaking on the phone loudly and I feel irritation. But am I irritated? No, I am finding only equanimity and happiness.

Multiple fruitions
Brightness

'I am ready to let go of this baggage'

Fruitions in a row, clusters of fruitions
Unprecedented intensity
Brightness

I feel relieved.



I sense that there is something missing as I walk home. I am breathing more freely. Some kind of pressure or sense or effort that I had not even been aware of is now gone.

What a relief!

During the last couple of days I have started my sittings by first Riding the Sensations (see post #24) and noting mind states for a while before flicking the switch and Being the Sensations. So this latter state has been the cutting edge of my practise.

This morning after waking up I noticed that I could not feel the first state at all (RtS) as I already was easily resting in the second one (BtS). it would seem that this more subtle state had become my baseline.

There was no effort or concentration involved, I was just being mindful the mind states. There were the usual contractions happening in the body just like before. My left shoulder is usually the indicator of these unpleasant mind states going by. This time I could not notice normal aversion and irritation happening during the contractions.

I experimented with imagining people and situations that would guarantee some noticeable emotional response. I felt lump in my throat and tightening of the chest and shadow emotions that correspond to these sensations. As I noted my mind states when doing this I got: peace, happiness, curiosity.

It would seem that my body is reacting in a similar manner as before and I kind of feel like I used to, but somehow these mind states have lost some power over me.

Probably this is just a glimpse of the real thing, but I am going to enjoy it while waiting for another dark night to come knocking on the door.

[Edit: typo]

Yesterday evening

A lot of dark nightish type of unpleasant physical sensations and nausea. Curiously this did not make me cycle through dukkha nanas as it normally would have.



This morning

30 min sit after asana practise

Noted mindstates: peace, curiosity, investigating, lightness, calm, happiness, letting go, metta, enjoyment, contentment, acceptance

A couple of times I recognized a worrying thought, but it did not become a mind state. The body contracted as the thought arose and the contraction was released as the thought vanished without a trace.

There was a tingling ball of energy present on top of the head during most of the sit. When lying down and doing Samyama relaxation, large amount of energy was on the move.

Just wanted to say that I really like reading your journal!
Interesting stuff, keep it coming!!

Antero, your posts are very genuine, honest and precise which is wonderful to see. I've been avoiding reading other people's reports since starting my own on here but, I have to admit, there's a real passion to your posts that I admire. Good luck with everything!

Meekan and Tommy,

Thank you for your motivating comments, dhamma friends!

Antero.

Weird process going on

This evening I have alternated between unpleasant mind states and intensive energy raptures. A couple of times feelings of aversion surfaced through the cracks.

Accepting unpleasantness
Accepting raptures
Accepting the fear of losing this state
Accepting the fear of self delusion

[Edit: grammar]

Maturing?

I am seeing more clearly now that my approach to practise has always been a selfish one. My motivation to practise has never been to relieve the suffering of others but my own. Consequently I have not been interested in metta meditation or other emotional work.

Aloofness, disinterest in other people and being introverted are determining traits of my personality. These features have been weakened a bit during my years of practise, but during recent weeks some bigger changes seems to have taken place.

Recently it has been easier for me to be in social situations that I used to feel nervous about or find uninteresting. I may even feel genuinely interested in people that I have nothing in common with.

Feeling of compassion that used to be rare is now experienced more often and on a whole new level. It is experienced as pain or discomfort that is clearly felt in my own body, usually in my throat.

I have also been getting an emotion that is not exactly new, but never before I have been aware of it in its current form. Sometimes when I encountered it when sitting I used to note it just 'kindness' or 'warm' as that was how it felt inside. Now when a thought of someone I care about may come up, I feel warmness and brightness spreading inside and feeling of caring and kindness is radiated toward the mental image. I think this may be what is meant by the word Metta.

[Edit: typo]

This is wonderful stuff! please keep it coming.

"This is wonderful stuff! please keep it coming."

I will, if you insist

A Mystery

This one I haven't been able to figure out: looking at the body there is clearly emotional suffering going on. When I observe the mind states, there is peace, curiosity, letting go'¦

Yesterday Kenneth showed me how to experience the contracting nature of self in the middle of the head by using the Witness state. Self was felt as unpleasant vibratory sensations behind the eyes with a specific jolt or contraction as the question 'Who am I' was asked.

Today I have been noting the self contraction on the cushion and during everyday activities. At first the very action of looking for the contraction made it happen, so it was like a self fulfilling prophecy. Strangely after some time of noting solely 'Yes' waves of relief washed over me and made the sense of self expand, which I noted 'No'.

By the afternoon mind had settled itself into a continuous expansive state with no contractions.

40 min sit after asana practise

I observed the mind and paid attention to the quality and direction of the attention. If the attention was directed to me, I would note 'yes'. If it was more expansive and directed away from my self, I noted 'no'. This self contraction or turning of the attention towards the point from which the sensations were seemingly experienced seems to arise because the mind prefers some sensations over others.

This simple mode of enquire brought energy sensations to the trunk of the body and every now and then energy peaked and I felt some kind of rapture. At times the attention expanded in a way similar to 3rd gear perspective.

After twenty minutes I felt a shift happen and realized that I was observing the flux of attention on a more subtle level. I saw the attention rapidly switching back and forth between different objects but always briefly returning to the centre of the head.

I was driving a car and something another driver did made me briefly feel a cluster of unpleasant sensations that I would have previously experienced as irritation or anger. Now it was just a bunch of sensations that was labelled as unpleasant.

What was the cause of those unpleasant sensations? I noticed a slight tension behind the eyeballs during the event that I have learned to take as a sign of self-referencing occurring. They did it to ME. How did they fail to notice MY importance?

My desire to do formal practise has reached the all time minimum. At the same time I have never felt so happy and free before. The dissatisfaction, when present, has become so subtle that I could probably easily forget it if I wanted.

The state of emotional wellbeing and stability has become a norm and I sometimes wonder if this has become a permanent state of being as it is not variable to my state of mindfulness or what kind of practise I am doing (or not doing). I certainly wouldn't mind that.

There are a lot of emotions and mind states that no longer happen, even though I feel negative sensations associated with them in my body sometimes. Anxiety, nervousness, frustration, disappointment, irritation, anger, resentment, aversion, impatience and discontentment have somehow lost their power over me and I am much more familiar with contentment, compassion and metta than ever before. Everything I experience seems to merge with equanimity.

Life has become an interesting exploration as I am continuously monitoring how this new state of being is affected by various everyday events.

I still sit out of habit even though I could do the same practise while doing something else too. Sitting it is just easier to see things more clearly.

'I' thoughts and sense of self have become more elusive since I started to note them. Most of the time there may not be concrete self referencing thoughts present, but still the attention is being pulled into that spot behind the eyeballs. This is felt as tension, which I am monitoring. It seems that it is not a clear cut case between 'sense of self present' and 'no sense of self'. It feels more like something in between that is causing some degree of tension as a result.

[Edit: grammar, typo]

Antero,
Your posts never fail to inspire me, Thanks for that!
Time to sit!

"Antero,
Your posts never fail to inspire me, Thanks for that!
Time to sit!"

RevElev,

That is perhaps the highest compliment anyone could give me, Thanks!

Being present with thoughts

Yesterday Kenneth taught me a new technique that has become my main practise on and off the cushion for the moment. I am taking thoughts as an object of absorption and zooming in to a zone where the proto thoughts are just about to get their meaning. If I zoom in too close, I will only get blackness with no thoughts, vibration and a feeling of vertigo. If I zoom out too much, I will get fully formed thoughts.

When I have the right focus, I will get a lot of visual strobing with different colours, vibration at the third eye and an ocean of proto thoughts coming straight at me. I get half formed sentences, words, peaces of visual images, all in motion, shifting and happily bumping into each other. And not making sense at all.

In this state there does not seem to be much internal dialog going on as the processor's capacity is in full use. Curiously though, it is still possible to analyse the process in the background using thoughts. It beats me how that is possible.

This state seems to be sticky, as I first experimented with it yesterday evening and today I have been in that state more or less throughout the day.

Today I started to feel uncomfortable at work. There was a general sense of nervousness or dissatisfaction. Also I felt heaviness, unpleasant sensations at the head and the throat and strange shivering feeling on the skin, like I was excited or feeling cold. That feeling has been repeated throughout the day.
.

"Being present with thoughts

Yesterday Kenneth taught me a new technique that has become my main practise on and off the cushion for the moment. I am taking thoughts as an object of absorption and zooming in to a zone where the proto thoughts are just about to get their meaning. If I zoom in too close, I will only get blackness with no thoughts, vibration and a feeling of vertigo. If I zoom out too much, I will get fully formed thoughts.

When I have the right focus, I will get a lot of visual strobing with different colours, vibration at the third eye and an ocean of proto thoughts coming straight at me. I get half formed sentences, words, peaces of visual images, all in motion, shifting and happily bumping into each other. And not making sense at all.

In this state there does not seem to be much internal dialog going on as the processor's capacity is in full use. Curiously though, it is still possible to analyse the process in the background using thoughts. It beats me how that is possible.

This state seems to be sticky, as I first experimented with it yesterday evening and today I have been in that state more or less throughout the day.

"

I just tried this technique and it sucks you right in. I feel very light headed now as if energy has collected up nto the very top of my head. It feels like ti activates a faster flow of energy up the body. And it does seem to want to stick like you say. What was Kenneth's reason for teaching this technique? If Kenneth could comment on it that'd be great!!

Soemthing new to put into the yogi toolbox!

40 min sit after asana practise

Adjusting the focus for an optimum view
Fireworks of half formed images and thoughts
Some analyzing thoughts in the background
Feeling of pressure in the head
Tension in the third eye
Cool tingling in the back

Letting go
Lower back tingling
Tingles rise up covering the back
Shivering
Vibrations rising to the head
A major rapture lasting several seconds
Shaking
A bliss wave

Then there is only merciful darkness and peace
All the tension gone from the forehead
Slight pulsing of the mind space
All the hassle swept away
Like stepping out of a disco
Or suddenly transported from a busy airport to an open field
Single passing thoughts
Like swallows on a clear sky.

"What was Kenneth's reason for teaching this technique?
-Nick"


Hi Nick

I don't know the answer to your question, but this technique seems to target clinging on a subtle level effectively.

The rapture this morning made the baseline of my practise shift. The new practise of being present with thoughts does not stick anymore. If I zoom in to explore the emerging proto thoughts, I will only get some strobing of the mind space. The annoying traffic of incoming half-formed images, words and ideas is gone. What is left is just peaceful darkness that is pulsating quietly.

The tension behind my eyeballs is also gone. The mind does not cling to that point anymore, it just wants to be open and expand. So far I have not been able to observe it return to that spot even for an instant. Normally it would briefly return there every once in a while even in a non dual absorption of Mahamudra.

I tried to use the Witness to explore the tension behind the eyes like Kenneth taught me (see post #36). I was unable to get locked in the Witness the same way as before and I couldn't find any tension there.

(Cont.)

I gave the mind the permission to do whatever it wanted to see what it is up to.

I felt openness, expansion and lightness. There was a feeling of cool shivering tingling present in the trunk and at the arms. The attention was resting lightly on the body as a whole, somewhat centred around the upper body and the head.

There was feeling of being suspended in space from point of the centre of gravity, perfect equilibrium.

It was not a state of absorption, I could open my eyes any time and the state would continue without change. Still I felt very much being surrounded by this state.

It was not a non dual state and still there was no sense of self present, just openness and expansion.

There were no contractions and releases in the body. I could not feel my habitual tension at the left shoulder that is usually telling me how the phases of contraction and expansion come and go. The body just was.

There were no mind states or thoughts moving around and shaking this state of balance. There were only some analyzing thoughts in the background as I was making notes of my situation.

I could not feel any tension at the centre of the head or anywhere else in the body.

I could not detect any dissatisfaction or restlessness. It felt like I could go on for ages sitting like this. On the other hand there would be no feeling of regret if I ended it right now and started to do something else instead. I could not feel any restlessness, just intentions as I formed these thoughts.

I have never experienced such a natural state of perfect balance of mind and body before. And it seems to continue, at least for now.

Like with all the major developments so far, there seems to be a honeymooning phase followed by a period or rewiring going on. During the past week scarcely a thought of irritation surfaced, let alone any unpleasant bodily sensations associated with negative emotions. Today some subtle but unmistakably unpleasant sensations were felt in the throat as a sign of some housecleaning left to do.

The self contraction or tension in the middle of the head has not returned. Maybe it has moved to some level that I am unable to detect at the moment. I have tried to locate that feeling using the Witness several times, but there is only openness and space, like someone has created a hole through my head that is filled with light.

What is also interesting is the newly found peace that results from the substantial reduction of background noise in my head. The amount of senseless internal dialogue and random imaging thoughts is greatly decreased. It is like the noise of a big city that is not normally noticed until you can compare it with silence.

My interest with states of absorption has fallen to a complete zero. All the states are clearly seen to have equal importance, so experiencing Pure Land Jhana or non dual state of Mahamudra is as interesting to me as for example the mind state of waiting for a bus. Why would I simulate waiting for a bus if I am not going anywhere? As a result of this, I do less formal practise than in a very long time. On the other hand, what is the difference between sitting and everyday life? The posture?

(Cont.)

Simply put I feel normal. Content and happy but very normal indeed. The recent major shifts in my practise have been much more profound and life changing than the one that I have been calling 4th path. Whatever these developments should be called and how they relate to any map, I care very little. What matters is that they do not seem to be passing mind states and they have transformed me into a different person. I am interested to see how my current practise holds up to some serious reality testing that life will have in store for me.