Antero's practise journal 3

One of the emerging patterns in my practise lately has been almost complete lack of formal sitting practise. For some reason the very idea of sitting down to mediate feels almost silly and unrewarding compared to staying awake while engaged in everyday life. Sometimes I am almost worried by this change, because the daily sitting practise has for so long been necessary for progress and for maintaining the momentum of mindfulness throughout the day. Could it be that the sitting practise itself is just another thing to let go of?

As the time spent in sitting practise has been decreasing, I have lengthened my Ashtanga yoga sessions every morning. The physicality and simplicity of going through the motions and staying with the body has been very rewarding.

"One of the emerging patterns in my practise lately has been almost complete lack of formal sitting practise.

"

Oh yes! that is my experience exactly. I'm still not sure what to make of it. Yesterday I forced myself to try concentration meditation for a bit. It was nice, the urge to do it is just gone...

Do you too find it hard to let go of the practise, Ron? Has practise become an end in itself instead of a means to an end? Why am I reluctant of letting go of the formal practise?

After 5th stage the emphasis seems to move more and more to integrating the practise in everyday life. It is almost as if there is not enough challenge in mere sitting and it can feel a bit theoretical or even absurd at times.

It is easy to think that I since I have tamed my mind and I am able to be calm, happy and free from restlessness when sitting, I can just as easily handle anything that comes up in daily life. It is humbling to realize that this is very far from the truth.

Now we have the tools, and it is up to us to make good use of them, I think.

Antero.

Playing with Mahamudra

Yesterday I tried to emulate Kenneth's 'listening for the ships' approach with different senses.

Watching for the rocks to grow
I have dragged some rocks of interesting shapes to my garden over the years and arranged them in a formation. I remember this line from a book I read many years ago and it turned out to produce Mahamudra by looking at the rocks, expecting them grow.

Drinking tea from an empty cup
When I read this line from James Clavell's Shogun when I was a teen, I did not get it. Now as I tried it, it produced very physical and concentrated feeling with some interesting energy activity at base of the spine and stomach.

In the evening: pulsing, vibrations, all the energy in the body seemed to be on the move. There were series of raptures that were so intense that I had to close my eyes. All thoughts were wiped away from the mind. No-thought, no-effort, no-self, no-nonsense.

At night I had many vivid dreams and lucid dreams that were felt somehow significant in the morning.

" Why am I reluctant of letting go of the formal practise?

After 5th stage the emphasis seems to move more and more to integrating the practise in everyday life. "

My best guess about this is that we are fully running on conditioning, and we did a great job of conditioning ourselves to do the sitting practice.

I'm finding that the practice post fourth is all about integrating the insights into daily life. Sitting seems a little counter-productive, even though there is this part of me that wants to keep doing it.

I am still working on the area between 4th and 5th, so there is definitely a sense that something remains, that something is left to finish - however, the sense that sitting will get it done is totally gone.

Building Daily Mindfulness Routine

I have recently being systematically building my daily mindfulness routine. I am recording here my attempt to be as awake as much as possible during one day. Kenneth's new Mahamudra noting technique really helps my effort by combining the feedback mechanism of noting with the expansive no-thought state of awakeness that Mahamudra cultivates.

Waking up
Remembering some strange and vivid dreams, mindfulness zero.

Asana practise for 90 minutes
Very strong mindfulness
During the practise the attention was focused on the body. While doing my asanas I had an insight how the connection between asana, energy flow and attention seems to work. When I got the posture right, I used Mahamudra to relax and let go. Moola bandha and uddiyana bandha energy locks close the energy circuit at the lower end of the sushumna while the directed gaze or drsthi closes the upper end. When the energy is not leaking, it is easy to be present with no distractions.

Getting up and rolling the mat
Weak mindfulness, mind wandering

Showering and brushing the teeth
There was strong mindfulness as I was doing Mahamudra noting, no distractions and no unwanted mental commentary. There was one distraction though when I realized how attached I still am to my body. Its strengths and weaknesses are still a cause of pride and worry at some level.

Sitting in the breakfast table
Starting with strong mindfulness and then losing it
Interaction with the family, from medium to zero mindfulness

Typing notes on the morning practise, medium mindfulness, at times very distracted

Talking on the phone, very distracted, no mindfulness at all.

(Cont.)

(Cont.)

Driving to a meeting
Pretty good mindfulness when got Mahamudra noting going. Some anticipation thoughts and planning thoughts were distracting me occasionally. At one point I was unsure where to drive and the noting stopped until I got the direction right.

Waiting for the meeting to start
There was scattered mindfulness while writing my notes. The body felt restless.

Two hour meeting
Noting was not possible, maintained an anchor of mindfulness on the body, but could not do it continuously.

Having lunch with colleagues
I did Mahamudra noting most of the time. When talking to other people, I anchored the mindfulness on the body and continued the noting when it was possible again.

Driving to a meeting
Mindfulness good, noting whole time, some brief moments of mind wandering.

Waiting for the meeting to start
Medium mindfulness, I was distracted by various thoughts and when talking to other people.

Three hour meeting
Variable mindfulness, at times was able to note when I was not talking to anyone, at other times totally embedded in thoughts. Interestingly there seemed to be some clarity remaining from the momentum gathered during the day that every now and then reminded me of the body awareness.

Driving home from the meeting
Strong mindfulness, doing Mahamudra noting all the time. Some remembering thoughts tried to pull me from being present. At the end of the drive the mind started creating a story that was especially captivating. I broke it after two minutes of solid fantasy and continued noting.

Arriving at home and writing notes
Unable to note at the same time although maintained medium level awareness on the body.

Preparing to take the kids to judo training
Vague mindfulness on the body, some scattered noting

(Cont.)

(Cont.)

Driving to the dojo
Medium to Strong mindfulness doing noting while driving.

Coaching kids at the dojo
Scattered noting, continuous awareness on the body was not possible. Even though it was not possible to be mindful, every now and then the attention returned to the body automatically, probably due to the momentum generated during the day.

Preparing to go home
Scattered noting, trying to get the noting going again, a lot of unpleasant body sensations.

Driving home
Noting most of the time, strong mindfulness with a lot of unpleasant body sensations. There were some relaxing periods of spontaneous no-thought with no conscious effort.

Writing notes at home
It is not possible for me to note while writing. Still it is useful to do mindful typing by concentrating on the changing sensations at the tips of the fingers. The mind is focused on the act of writing with little wandering. When finished typing, a feeling of relief and letting go washed over me. As I probe my mind, it does not seem to have any tendency to start spinning stories. There is a feeling of expansion and lightness.

Going to sauna
No need to think or be anything. It felt very natural to just gently listen for the ships and let the mind expand in the hot air of the sauna. All the tension was dropped and the mind was very slow to react to anything. Just keeping the attention lightly on the body and listening, that was a luxury.

Reading a bedtime story aloud
Reading aloud seems to use all the brains capacity so there is no room for fantasies. Good mindfulness practise. Effortless mindfulness continued for the rest of the evening. The mind was mostly free from discursive thoughts and distractions.

(Cont.)

(Cont.)


Going to sleep
Before going to sleep I make a resolution to maintain strong mindfulness during the night. When waking up, may I be mindful from the first exhalation or inhalation throughout the day.

Nice account of how your mindfulness shifts as the day passes!
Almost like being mindful of the mindfulness

Happy vappu (if I remember correctly) btw.

Thanks meekan and glada vappen (if I am guessing right )

Yesterday Kenneth taught me the principles of astral projection and how to see samboghakayas or rainbow bodies. I got a brief glimpse on the subject during our one hour session, but that was enough to convince me that those skills would produce some very interesting experiences if developed further and done after preliminary concentration practises. It is almost a pity that at the moment I have no real enthusiasm for playing with powers

I just realized that it was exactly one year ago when I started working with Kenneth and created my practise journal on this site. It has been a year that I will never forget as it changed the way I am experiencing every moment of being alive for good.

Thank you Kenneth, you are a genius.

Something new seems to be happening, but it is still too early for me to say what it is. Recently I have been using a new pointer: I have simply given myself a permission to stop thinking. There is a feeling of relief as if some weight is removed from my shoulders and for some time I can just enjoy the world through all the senses without the need to do anything about. Not even comment on it.

This morning as I was going to work, it felt like something else was going away also. I noticed it as I tried to listen for the ships (Mahamudra), but nothing happened. As I noted my mind states, I couldn't say what state it was. It kind of resembled equanimity, but more accurately it felt like absence of any mind state. Still it felt subtly pleasant, or maybe that was because the mind felt so clear, simple and uncontrived.

I could not detect any sense of being present. Even without the sense of self, normally there is a feeling of existing and experiencing the world as an entity. Now it felt completely irrelevant if I existed or not. Everything seemed to work all right, so what more there is to know?

As long as it lasted, the mind was not interested in creating a commentary about anything it saw. Thoughts seemed to happen if I started to analyze something and thoughts ceased to arise when it was no longer necessary to think.

"I just realized that it was exactly one year ago when I started working with Kenneth and created my practise journal on this site. It has been a year that I will never forget as it changed the way I am experiencing every moment of being alive for good.

"

Antero, thanks for all of your posts over the past year (and the years to come!); they're very inspirational.
Eric

Wow!

Thank you Eric and betawave. It always warms my heart to hear that my journal has been useful to someone.

Yesterday Kenneth taught me binary noting that I put into good use today. He told me that there is a binary switch between two modes of thinking: direct perception and narrative mode. It happens that this narrative mode kicks in every time the mind is not occupied with something, and that is most of the time. The next stage for me is to change this default mode from narrative mode that keeps me from being present in the moment.

When I notice that the mind is spinning a story I note 'noise' and when there is just observing the phenomena I note 'silence'. With this powerful technique I find that I am zooming in closer and closer on the fine line between these two modes of perception. The mind is clearly seeing the unpleasantness of narrative mode.

I really don't understand all you're perceiving and experiencing, but I sure am glad that you do!
Good going, Antero!

Much appreciated, Meekan!

)

Using binary noting quiet/noisy has enabled me to see at times in real time how discursive thinking reinforces the 'I' construct by referring to it and creating stories associated with it. Whatever the mind is sensing is commented on and compared to this imaginary construct.

I have been feeling really uncomfortable for the last two days: tension, irritability, heaviness, pressure at the throat and above the eyes. Except today in the train there was a feeling of relief as I was engulfed by a powerful bliss wave that made me close my eyes. This one lasted longer that usual: about 20 breaths.

Thanks for posting the binary noting technique! When I think back, I realize that I've noticed this happening for me on very rare occasions. It's cool to know that this can be "encouraged."

Yes, binary noting can be very effective in revealing some particular blind spots in our minds. It never ceases to amaze me is how Kenneth is always finding new innovative angles to an essentially very simple practise like noting.

I am on a long flight with nothing else to do except binary noting (silence/noise). There is so much energy movement that it feels very uncomfortable in my body. The energy is building up in my legs and there is very unpleasant blockage in my throat. Some raptures when the energy is moving through the body.

The morning sun on the cobblestone streets and weathered plastered walls of the old part of Lisbon make me experience all sensations very acutely. Thoughts no longer arise and the skin all over my body is tingling. Everything seems super real.

[Edit: grammar]