Antero's practise journal 3

"Maybe a video from the "Fourth Path Gangsta" could be an antidote to the feeling of self importance?

-RevElev"

No doubt about it!

Violent energetic phenomena like volcanic eruptions were very common when the shift in my practise started to happen three weeks ago. They would come and go whenever they pleased and especially if I did formal practise of noting or journalistic self inquiry. These phenomena continued for some time after this state of being started to become my default mode and then stopped.

It felt like all the chakras had become connected from the bottom of the spine to the top of the head. The central channel was felt as a whole and there was a pulling feeling at the both ends of the tube. If I closed my eyes I felt the hollow tube filling my entire body and connecting me to the vast emptiness all around. But connecting what? The both ends of the tube were so wide that they curved around to touch each other so emptiness was connected to emptiness through a hollow empty tube that was not me.

Recently all these experiences along with a constant joy of being have been fading away somewhat but not completely gone. Formal practise feels unnecessary at the moment, but I have continued to do my Ashtanga Vinyasa sequence every morning as it is such a refreshing way to start a day.

There is a feeling of slowly deepening peace and it is had to say what exactly is different from before. Perhaps when I rest my eyes on whatever happens to be in front of me, there is no longer that restless feeling of inner tension. Even after spending considerable time in the same place doing nothing, mind does not want distractions or a change of scenery. Life happens now.

I am seemingly falling back to the earlier level of experience either because I had only been in some temporary mind state or because I am going through some review or rewiring phase. In any case this has been a very educational opportunity for me to compare these two ways of experiencing as there is a constant oscillation between them.

As the energy accumulates at various centres and stops moving freely, this is felt as a physical tension and discomfort in the body. In addition to that there is a mental tension or twisting that is pulling the attention from fully experiencing the now.

When the central channel is open again, the tension is gone and the mind is perfectly at ease accepting whatever is arising. Silence and joy come pouring in and there is a natural tendency for the mind to appreciate the timeless qualities present in little details. I am easily feeling my entire body from within as a vibrant flow tingling vibrations. Every cell of the body feels alive and kicking.

Life is a constant wonder.

Rewiring period of energy randomly jumping from centre to centre causing unpleasant contractions in the body lasted until I learned to accept the facts: one can have taste of perfection but it will not last forever. What goes up must come down and so on. This I think may be the reason for the unpleasant settling down period after every attainment. Mind becomes attached to the nice honeymooning period and it has a hard time letting go of it.

Otherworldliness of ordinary experience and the feeling of Being-one-with-everything has faded somewhat, so I think I am back from the wonderland in the land of the living again Life feels more real now.

Inspired by Ekhart Tolle's The Power of Now, my body awareness seems to have developed into a new phase. I am almost continuously aware of the different vibrations all over the body. This is a full body awareness, but seen from the inside on a vibrational level. Thoughts, emotions, moods and reactions to different sensory experience are all part this pool of vibrations. It is continuously changing and flowing and very seldom it stops to accumulate in some particular spot in the body.

I do not completely loose the awareness of this body even in sleep. This makes the dream experience very vivid and lifelike. When I wake up at night, the first thing I am aware of is a chunk of vibrations that fill this shell that I call my body. Even if I forget to pay attention to it during the day, any major change in this force field calls my attention to it like some concrete physical sensation in the body.

Resting the attention on this body of vibrations feels very natural and rewarding. Just turning the attention towards feeling the inner body makes the mind very calm and it is easy to accept whatever I happen to be experiencing. Pleasant or unpleasant, it makes no difference.

[Edit: grammar]

Very inspiring report!

Thanks Omni!

Summing up my experiences of the change that took place one month ago:

'¢ Being present in now is dominating my everyday experience. The mind is still fluctuating and creating mental images and proto thoughts, but their power to distract the mind is gone.

'¢ Discursive thinking that is still left has more to do with the situation at hand than creating fantasies.

'¢ Self-importance and self-consciousness seem to be weak or nonexistent

'¢ Things and situations that previously used to create worry thoughts and negative sensations in the body have lost their special powers. No more tension and uncontrollable trains of thought are happening.

'¢ Easily feeling the entire energy body from within

'¢ Feelings of joy and peace dominating

'¢ In social situations more present, listening to what others have to say instead of listening to the inner dialog

'¢ Being open and considerate instead of being reserved and disinterested

'¢ Lightness and humour instead of heaviness and sobriety.

'¢ Thought processes are seen more clearly

'¢ Contractions are still sometimes felt in the body when 'I' am being treated unjustly. Most of the time they are felt only as a subtle change of vibration and it is very hard to tell if they are registered as unpleasant or just neutral. At times contractions can be physical and clearly unpleasant.

(Cont.)

(Cont.)

'¢ Energy highs and lows still come and go, but I do not recognize any clear cycling through energy states or centres. Energy seems to be free flowing and evenly distributed, even though it still accumulates in certain parts of the body in a reaction to thoughts and feelings.

'¢ A Sense of Being still remains and is felt in the body as a base vibration and fluctuation of the mind and body. This vibration is felt to be inherently unsatisfactory and sometimes even unpleasant depending on the frequency and type of vibration.

'¢ Thoughts of pride and self congratulation still come up sometimes, but no pleasant body sensations are associated with those thoughts and they are automatically dropped as completely uninteresting.

'¢ Thoughts of irritation no longer arise. When the kids are mischievous and make noise I kind of act out the irritation without really feeling it when I am ordering them to stop it.

[Edit: added a clarification]

Antero, thanks for the helpful and inspiring journaling. Mudita!

This is great stuff. Glad you are journaling!

Thank you Nadav and Justin!

At the age of twelve I decided what I will want to do when I grow up. I think I am growing up again and may have to decide again.

When the kids are mischievous and make noise I kind of act out the irritation without really feeling it when I am ordering them to stop it.

remarkable

Thanks Loco,

Previously my anger towards the kids was generated from the fact that they did not do as I wanted. Now there does not seem to be any 'I' to take offence from it and as a result it has never been so easy for me to be with them, no matter what the situation.

It has been interesting experience to see how during the past year my anger has turned to irritation -> to annoyance -> to tension and finally -> to nothing.

Nice where all this practice can lead!

"At the age of twelve I decided what I will want to do when I grow up. I think I am growing up again and may have to decide again.

"

What do you see the options as?

"What do you see the options as?
- EndInSight"

That is the best of all: I see that all the options are open for me

Antero, thanks for posting so many intimate details about the off-cushion effects of your practice! Much appreciated.

I'm curious about a statement you make: "Thoughts of irritation no longer arise. When the kids are mischievous and make noise I kind of act out the irritation without really feeling it when I am ordering them to stop it."

This is something I struggle with with my kids, so I understand how big of a deal it can be.

From your kids' point of view, what's the difference to them between "you acting out the irritation without you really feeling it," and whatever behavior was present before? Presumably, it was something like "acting out the irritation AND feeling it?"

"This is something I struggle with with my kids, so I understand how big of a deal it can be.

From your kids' point of view, what's the difference to them between "you acting out the irritation without you really feeling it," and whatever behavior was present before? Presumably, it was something like "acting out the irritation AND feeling it?"
- andymr

"

Thanks Andy. I try to be clearer about the change, which I have found to be quite beneficial. It seems to me that these mind states go through an evolution as the sense of self gradually disappears.

Before 5th stage (equals to 4th path) I could act and yell in anger and it took some time for me to recover from that mind state. Even though the situation was all over, my disapproval and disappointment would colour my emotions and actions for a while making me detached and grumpy.

After 5th stage some of the anger fell away and recovering from those situations was a lot faster. Still anger and irritation were mind states that I could experience if things did not go 'my way'.

After 6th state (disembedding from the unwholesome emotions) no mind state of anger or irritation remained. There were still thoughts of irritation like ghosts of the former emotion and these thoughts were accompanied with unpleasant tension in the body. At this point it felt like I had more options in those situations. I would recognize thoughts of irritation for what they were but the remaining unpleasantness and learned patterns still sometimes made me to act in ways like I was irritated. Old habits die hard.

(Cont.)

(Cont.)

Even though after 7th stage the feeling of self as an entity disappeared completely and with it some of the old reactivity disappeared, thoughts of irritation (or annoyance) remained on some level and I could still feel the unpleasant contraction in the body at times. Very seldom I would react in any way to those thoughts, but when I did, I noticed that it is possible to act out the irritation without really feeling it. It felt almost like a response one has learned and hence comes out automatically if mindfulness was not sufficient to see it coming. When I observed my mind states, I could only see peace, contentment, amusement etc. After one of those habitual reactions I would immediately return to my normal mood and the situation would not colour my reactions at all after the event.

What seemed to happen to me after the next shift in my practise (I don't think 8th stage is officially on Kenneth's map and due to the lack of reference data it is not possible say if my experiences can be generalized in any way) was that the thought of irritation itself and the corresponding unpleasant contraction went away. This is IMO quite logical since if the sense of self is disembedded from on a deeper level and someone acts against my will, how can there be any reaction? For a reaction to happen some subtle identification with self must still be in place. For me it was the discursive mind that was keeping up the illusion and when disembedding from it took place, reactivity also went away with it.

(Cont.)

(Cont.)

So I do not consider these situations when kids do what they please and do not listen to me as irritable or annoying anymore. Recently I have started to dislike imposing my will on others unless there is some pressing need for it. As a parent I have to set the limits, so if I have to, I raise my voice and act out like I did when I felt something like irritation. The kids realize that I am serious and stop. The peace is returned and no more suffering is generated in the process

Interestingly when I am doing this, some kind of tuning seems to happen in the body and there is something similar to the feeling of irritation arising in the body. Almost like my acting starts to resonate in the body creating a certain vibration that resembles the former irritation. This is probably a built in feature that has always been present avalanching the situation and now I am noticing it when there are no other sensations present.

Hi Antero, I've also noticed that i too am going through the motions when i need to discipline the kids.
Also notice that i can stop myself and think clear what i'm doing/ saying. In other words i have options, and don't react mindlessly.
Its kinda nice not feeling guilty etc...

I appreciate the fascinating details of how this unfolded in your practice, Antero. Having the choice in how to act is a great benefit. Likewise, acting from old habits and feelings does not always lend itself to the most skillful parenting. Kids have a way of instinctively knowing what pushes your buttons, and the best way to reinforce their use of that behavior is to immediately react rather than to deliberately choose a course of action.

It also sounds like you can now choose different ways of parenting and setting limits if you so desire, based on the situation. A lot of us parent the way we were parented, but unfortunately, many of our parents weren't any more skilled at it than we are. They weren't necessarily bad parents, just embedded in their circumstances.

For example, it's certainly appropriate to step in, raise your voice, and say, "Jimmy, stop throwing darts at your baby sister." However, in other situations, depending on the age of the kids, redirection may work better.

I'm curious: In other circumstances, I wonder if the resonance you feel may be a hint that a different, perhaps more creative, response may be more effective for the given situation?

It is a good point you are making, Andy. Very seldom I find myself in situations where I have to use my old methods of parenting. Still as I now have more choice in these situations, it is good to bear in mind that there might be more creative and constructive methods to accomplish the same results. In these things one is never perfect and there is always room for improvement.

To be continued:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/46...s+practice+journal+4