recording and learning

Just interesting -

'anaylyzing thought' 'desire to figure out' 'desire for a shortcut' -

55 minutes noting, tensions and anxiety(solid) at first, hearing, rising, falling, seeing(eyelid stuff), some tingling, pulsing, intense stuff in head/scalp with pleasurable tone, some plain stuff, just hearing, calm, then some more tension, after a bit sudden rush of tingling, points of sensation rapidly flickering and filling entire body for a second or two, calm, some lazyness, drifting, worrying, then settled on a sort of half/calm and half nausea tension in the body, noting hearing, mindstates, tensions coming and going, some with thinking some not - once or twice tone in the body tingling changed from nausea to pain for a half minute or so then shifted back to vauge unpleasant nausea but very mild in intensity. Bell.
edit - I think that thing at the end of a sensation may have happened a few times, I kept looking to see what it was but couldnt perceive it.

30 min concentration on breath, ~40 or 50 min noting.
Had some interruptions during the concentration part. Didnt seem to get very solid.
Noting I focused on seeing what was changing in the experience, noting sounds, body sensations, thoughts, chirping birds, lots of sounds came and went, coming and going, some tension in the beginning , then rushing, some more a few minutes later, lots of tingling, rushing energy then stabilizing, calm, mostly just sounds and sensations coming and going, many times looked directly at a thought or mindstate and saw how it changed on its own - unable to hold onto it. A few times looking at many thought fragments flashing by, too fast to see clearly, never really had much unpleasant stuff, although did get that ball of tension that moves up the neck, mouth and front of head after seeing some part of thinking change, the tension that likes to twist the mouth a bit, then more calm, just hearing, sensations, not very many thoughts although it seemed like the ind was clear until I checked and there would usually be some striving mindstate or self image that I would look at and see how it isnt stable, it passes..Had an interruption by the phone near the end, sat back down with thought of 'its ruined' - noted that and sat, felt the heartbeat in the left hand and got curious about the ending of the sensation. Looked more closely and there was some sort of odd peaceful space at the end of the heartbeat, not something I could perceive, like the sensation ending with an unperceivable something that imparted a sudden peace onto the situation. Then shortly after went through some more tingling, shaking, pleasant energy writhing in the head, then back to calm, seemed to be spacing out a bit, loss of clarity towards the end and got up.

gah - lost my post.

30 min breath only, had interruptions so didnt get very good concentration. ~50 noting afterwards, paying more attention to sensations coming and going, changes happening in hearing, body, mind... Tensions initially, rushing and energy tingles a few times, no real unpleasantness, had something new where I looked carefully at the end of a pulse of heartbeat in the hand and saw that at the end of the sensation was some sort of unperceiveable space, that left me with a feeling of peace. Saw that a few more times near the end of the sit, had some more rushing energy and pleasurable tingling in the head near the end as well, with more calm afterwards but starting to space... Had more detail in the lost post but have an appt.

missed log entry - 30 minutes of concentration last night followed by ~50 noting. Had some interruptions, concentration was on breath and didnt get very solid. Seemed to go through energy and tingling rushes @30 minutes or so. Sit didnt seem to have any very noticeable unpleasant stuff, focused more on things coming and going. Near the end I was looking at the pulse in the left hand and tried to see the end of the sensation, and there was something imperceptible about the end of the pulse and a subtle peaceful shift over my whole being. I think I saw this happen a few more times and then went through some more energetic stuff, rushing, tingling, some shaking and pleasant energy writhing in the head space, then more calm and hearing, sounds and thoughts coming and going. One difference was that this time I was actively looking at objects like thoughts or mindstates and noticing when they changed.

test

7/10/11 Missed log.

30 concentration, 50 noting, interruptions, rushing energy @ 30, mostly just stuff coming and going. inclined more towards seeing objects come and go, hearing, chirping sounds, sensations, mindstates, thoughts, mostly calm the whole sit, no real unpleasantness, maybe momentary but thats all, got curious about the ending of sensations at the end of the sit and tried to see where a heartbeat pulse ended, felt in the left hand. Saw some imperceptible something at the end of sensation followed by a subtle peaceful shift in the whole being, this happened a few times and then it seemed I was having rushing energy, tingles, pleasant writhing in the head area and some shaking again.

(not SE, turned out to be some sort of vedana shift, been different for a few days)

7/11/11 AM missed log

55 minutes noting, started with some concentration for a few minutes, noting happened but nothing really unusual, self doubt, thoughts that I will never get it, more self doubt, some rushing energy at some point, mild, thoughts of wanting to give up something deep down, not clear, feeling of loss, hearing, rising, falling.

7/11/11 noon -

"Tried the continous mantra noting, difficult but seemed to whiz thru nanas in 5 minutes that usually takes ~30 to get to'¦ Bobbled around after that..."

7/11/11 evening:

30 min Kasina... Got very calm quickly, ~5 min, started to notice the length of time that the actual peceprion of the object occured and kept inclining the mind to lengthen it with some success, had a few times where there was a lock-on for ~5 seconds or so (a record for me), felt pretty good, a bit intense in a few moments and mildly pleasant.

7/12/11 AM

55 min noting, silent, 4Fs , some tensions in the neck and head, agitation, then shifting to more pleasant vedana, tingling and vibrations, then rushing feelings, tingling filling head, quick shift to calm, quiet, some of this for a bit then unpleasant stuff, cant remember details much except seemed to get mostly into mild nausea for the last ~15 minutes, noting striving thoughts, desire to move forward. The Nausea moved from the gut up into the chest and throat for a bit, mild sensations.

7/12/11 noon

55 minutes, first 10 min Kasina, noting started out loud until I got to rushing, skahing, space opening inside head, then head sensations breaking into wispiness, fuzzyness, whole body tingly in indisctinct way for a bit calm, not really any unpleasantness during the sit, continued with noting sensations in the head and body, thoughts weren't very clear this sit, near the end adjusted a bit to focus on change, seeing more and more things coming and going. Will do that again, this idea of noting things that change, come and go.

7/13/11 noon

55 minutes, 7-8 Kasina, rest noting, started out loud, went silent, seemd like I went through tension/rushing energy and loss of self for a second or two/ some vibrations, unpleasantness/ but it was very subtle, has been getting like this lately where I go through all that stuff faster and more subtly, opening to just being here, thoughts seen as not self, more sensations and sensory objects included, this time seeing the back and forth between the experience and what is more clearly being seen as a thought process implying that an observer exists behind everything, this partially collapsed and the experience felt more direct, almost centerless for a bit, this seemed to come and go, more and more seeing that nothing in this experience is '˜me', vedana getting milder on both the unpleasant and pleasant sides of the coin, overall.

7/12/11 PM


30 min samatha, experimented with focusing on a point inside the body, inside the tip of the tongue, didnt like the results even though seemed to generate lots of pleasantness, intense concentration , felt afterwards like I couldnt get back to being here somehow, stuck 'inside' for a while. Will stick to kasina.

7/13/11 PM


55 min noting, 5-10 Kasina to start, got fairly solid and started the note, random tensions, thoughts, observer thoughts, self images, energy slowly rising and tensions no longer seen in the body for the most part, calmness, tensions in the head, saw how tensions were interpreted as 'inside' or 'pointing back towards a me, but they are just sensations, had a few seconds of centerlessness, loss of most distinction between in side and outside, body clear, bright calmness, sounds and eyelid lights coming and going, very still, bobbled around there, some daydreams and noticing it, center and observer putting itself back together and then lessening again, some desire to quit early, checking the timer, stillness until the bell.

45 min samatha to start the day, kept switching object around, kasina to breath... Think I will stick with the breath for a while, but I have this feeling I need to do a looooong anapana sit, like 3 hours or something. I might get a chance this weekend to do that and then do insight afterwards until I run out of steam..... Still trying to train the brain to stay in one spot and look at something clearly! :0

55 min noting, intended to start with some breathing only but had some unpleasant pulsing tensions going on so started with the out loud, sensations, doubles, and triples, until tensions broke into rushing energy in the body, some shaking, then sensations pooling up into the head, silent noting now, hit a looong period of tiredness, lazy resistance, some daydreams, thoughts of stopping and taking a nap, etc - continuing to note, shifted out of that and started noticing, had some intense movement of sensation/tingles/heat swirling around in the very top of the head, awareness very wide, calm, fairly clear, sensation for a few seconds of some sort of pulling up to the top of the crown, faded and more of the same wider awareness, (to where?) - more wide attention, hearing, breathing, calmness then Bell.

wow - I must be in 'knowledge of lazyness' - feel like I am stuck in molasses, keep trying to note it, but the mind has the strength of a whiffle-ball bat.

"wow - I must be in 'knowledge of lazyness' - feel like I am stuck in molasses, keep trying to note it, but the mind has the strength of a whiffle-ball bat."

Evidence of a particular Nana perhaps?(sounds like you maybe had an a&p event earlier and you are now experiencing the dissolution period that follows)

Have an eye out for some anxiety...

perhaps!

55 minutes noting, started with some tensions, lots of energy in the head, jumbly movements of sensation in the head, tiredness, body feeling sort of fuzzy all over, mildly pleasant but lethargic somehow, drifting, losing the note - just sitting there for a while, seeing the thinking that points back at a 'watcher' that has no form, nothing actually there that the thought points to other than seeing, tensions inside the head, sensations on the back of the head, seeing sensations in the head arising and the mind plastering images on top of them, adding a self image caricature onto sensations. Noting the sensations as sensations, tensions, tingling, somewhat pulling the images apart from the sensations, but not completely.

I resolve to crank up the technique, the noting, make it more rapid, continuous and precise over time - I can sense this is what I need to do here.

" seeing the thinking that points back at a 'watcher' that has no form, nothing actually there that the thought points to other than seeing, tensions inside the head, sensations on the back of the head, seeing sensations in the head arising and the mind plastering images on top of them, adding a self image caricature onto sensations. Noting the sensations as sensations, tensions, tingling, somewhat pulling the images apart from the sensations, but not completely. " -WSH3

Good, good, good! What is it about that particular constellation of sensations and thoughts that says "I"? Keep looking until you can see that there is no reason to privilege those sensations over others; they have no more claim to "I" than the television across the room or the trees outside your window. All of this is a show in the mind. Everything that can be experienced is a representation of reality, seen within the mind. Is there an independently existing reality outside of the mind? Maybe so, maybe not; we cannot know. Our job is simply to investigate our own experience to see that in this moment there is nothing that can be identified as self. No self, no problem. Life goes on as before, without the struggle.

hmm.

55 min noting, started on breath, switched to just rising and falling, then noting all over, out loud a few minutes then silent, some mild tension at first that seemed to be anxious, full body but spread out, this left and there was a rush of sensation in the head and body with small bit of shaking upon seeing some aspect of identity (cant remember what now), then just calm, clear, lots of hearing, sensations, repeated self images, sensations in the head, shivering and pinpricks all over at some point, back to calm, stillness, and more thoughts of a centerpoint or a 'this' object as being 'me' somehow, yet that object cannot be found on examination, again. Bell. Feeling clear and normal somehow, not very much energy or vibrations in the body.

Was hitting some weird twisting neck tension I recognize after floating around a mild dukkaville all morning, then at my desk started to note a bit and the tension passed and the mind got fast and strong, went off to sit for lunch, 55 min, some lazyness in the beginning, random stuff and got fairly quickly to energy up in the head somewhere, pooling, with wide awareness, thoughts not very clear but noting them started to work after a while - felt the noting was too much to add and started noticing, very calm and still, relatively sharp but still some thoughts unclear, eventually saw the 'doer', some odd connection was cut, hit a state I'm not sure of and then had familiar rushing, energy all over, except was more crisp and pleasant than I'm used to, seemed like I went through some states incl fear, sadness, irritation maybe and something then back to more clear, open, pooling sensations in the head but lighter - some sort of calm there that wasnt there before, and many more thoughts seen floating (not me) as usual with no connection to sensations. Felt very different during the second half of the sit but not sure how.

Lightness and extra mindfulness from yesterdays sit lasted until this morning when I woke up.... I felt like I had blown out some part of my mind or something and lots of extra experience was getting in without effort...

30 min Kasina this AM, not very solid, just warming up for the day, seeing how the mind continually tries to replace the actual experience of the object with concepts - like some sort of energy saving function or something...

did 3x30 noting yesterday - felt like I had lost all ability to meditate, doing the technique, being stuck in loops and aversion, old issues. Whereas Friday thoughts were floating by having nothing to do with 'me' Saturday and this morning it feels like I am completely embedded again.

Today I think I will take out loud 4F's noting and see just how long I can do it - see how it 'spins up'.