recording and learning

Thanks -

55 minutes at lunch - started out noting some resistance, tension, bits here and there, tingling, etc, some thoughts but not very clear, stayed mostly on the first F, tiredness, some daydreams noted, sleepy resistance, desire to rest, then boredom, Lots of tingling and vibrations in the right hand, noted that for a while, pulsing, vibrating, tingling, then got curious about the space in the head. Noted lots of tension, moving around, tingling, desire to relax tension. Then at some point I saw an underlying thought of aversion to the experience of being itself, as if somehow it is not OK to be experiencing the space in the head, the senses seemingly coming to a focal point. The mind kept wanting to drift, noting drifting a bit, more sensations in the head space, sensations implying focal point of awareness, a tension holding something together. Then almost all sensation in the head went away, and it was as if the whole of experience was inside the headspace, little sounds from outside the room, tingles in the body, back of the eyelids seeing, some mental commentary, wondering, anticipation, more tiredness. Bell rang and I felt like I was on the edge of taking a nap, desire to drift or daydream present.

55 minutes noting out loud this evening - very difficult to get the mind to cooperate. Noted drifting, daydreaming, dozens of times. noted 'sleepy resistance'. In the middle of the sit some momentum, hearing, seeing, tension in the head, tingles, again that sense of space inside the head a bit, noting calm, noting drifting, hazy mind, then more clarity a bit and all thoughts for a few minutes were nothing but images, vague, all some version of an image of a person, a 'me', then noting thoughts of being an observer, a centerpoint, then seeing clearly that being a centerpoint is unsatisfactory, seeing the tension held by this thought, desire for it to release, and seeing dukkha again, reacting to this strongly, noting questioning, wondering, questioning, the mind upset, asking 'why? why is this experience unsatisfactory?. A bit shaken by this, picking it up again, noting some more, tension, hearing, seeing, some thoughts, then calm. stillness, seeing, rising, falling. Lots of rushing tingles and energy in the head this sit.

55 minutes this AM, but with other people. SIlent noting.
Drifting, Dharma thoughts, judgements, irritations, thoughts of 'why do I hurt myself by sitting with other people?' Some vibrations, some strobing of the visual field but only on the edges of perception, mostly in the beginning of the sit.

Something that I am wrestling with is the fact that I have had so much DN stuff start to occur with this group of people that it really seems to be a trigger somehow. I have literally been in a clear and happy state, alone in the place, and had this sudden rumbling of DN vibrations take over my whole body without warning, and then 5 seconds later walks in another DN yogi on a higher path than me... Am I fooling myself? I think I will try to go there less and see if there is a difference and try to examine the experience of being there vs not being there. If it matters I happen to be one of those people who turn off streetlights when I walk past. Not sure what it means but I have had experiences of DN before occuring just from sitting next to someone, and going away when they are gone. Pretty weird.

Just curious: How would sitting in a group hurt you?

I just edited the post - I really think I am just fooling myself but the experience keeps repeating itself. I need to investigate further, and at least try to disembed more from that sort of thinking.

"I just edited the post - I really think I am just fooling myself but the experience keeps repeating itself. I need to investigate further, and at least try to disembed more from that sort of thinking."

Ah, now it get it. That is interesting. Usually, people feel kind of groove on the group energy and feel that it makes practice easier. But maybe it's possible to resonate in the other direction. I suppose it might be possible to regard it as a chance to work with the DN stuff--if the group setting amplifies it or brings it out, you might find it easier to see/recognize/disembed from those phenomena? Hmmm...

its fine during retreat with these folks and honestly they are all good friends of mine - so its probably just me... Sometimes though I have to wonder how people's energy interacts. For example I suspect that when one of the teachers is in a higher state, I imagine 4th or 5th Jhana, I can feel it because if they are sitting within a few feet of me when I close my eyes there is a distinct feeling of there being a vast space around me and that doesnt happen when I sit alone. I have felt this with two different teachers in the past and it seems to be a repeatable phenomenon. sooooo it just stands to reason that if someone of that ilk is having DN vibrations at that time, couldn't it affect something as well? Geez I hope not.

anyway -- Im done with the speculation for now.

Lots of anger/irritation today... 55 minutes noting

rising, falling, more hearing and seeing this time, lots of vibration, pulsing, angry images, drifting,etc.. some daydream but then more irritation, images of being pissed, etc.

disembed, disembed...

2 x30 min silent noting, decided to really try to bust some vibrations today -
as usual sat down and within a few seconds got into pulsing, tingling, lots of tiny little dots of sensation flashing on and off, some vibrations in the hand, the core of the body, kept to them for a while, noting the obvious mindstuff from time to time, some pulsing pain inside the head somewhere a few times, contraction in the middle of experience seeming to break up a bit, sensations of energy moving around in the body, the body for the most part these sittings feeling like a cloud of tingles, some shaking in the head, vibrations I can feel but can't quite stay with. ALmost everything today was neutral in tone, the mind drifted and daydreamed a few times, noting it and coming back to the body. For some reason today the sense of time was very slow - two 30 minute sessions with the zennies usually feels like its over too soon but today both sessions felt much, much longer, like I just spent the whole morning sitting or something.

out for some exercise then back to more vibration busting later as I have much of the weekend to myself

two hours noting session, fairly calm, very little aversion, tingling, small tensions, some thoughts, had some moments where everything was allowed to come and go and none of it was me... noting some anticipation, mapping thoughts.

Later driving around looking for a wedding band - lots of harsh stuff, fearful thoughts, images, contractions, noting amusement, thoughts of acceptance, a few other modes of unpleasant stuff but really wasn't getting in the way of functioning, noting it when I could, feeling it. Some harsh tensions stuck in the neck and throat, noting them , allowing to feel.. My old friend.

Two hours is a pretty significant amount of time to note. Way to go!

Oh, and congratulations on the impending tax situation change. Or, is it that you've yet to ask, hence the harsh stuff?

thanks! Nah we both knew for a while, just made it offical. Harsh stuff is entirely DN from what I can tell, typical off the cushion, no trigger cycling of fear/irritation/sometimes nausea/please let me die type stuff - the great thing now is that I am seeing the sensations more directly, and I am not getting as caught in the thoughts/having fewer thoughts. In the last week I have really been able to dive much deeper into tensions and areas of pain/contraction in the body that I didnt seem to be able to feel directly before, some of these spots are very small and the tensions subtle, others not so much.

two 55 minute sittings today -

first one started off with lots of resistance, desire to daydream , lazy mindstate, body calm, relaxed, sort of a 'i feel good why do I have to do this' mindstate - feeling into areas of the body, vibrations, lots of tingling, then some in the head - some moments of awareness being less centered, like stuff happening but the sense of it happening 'to' something, to a centerpoint almost gone a few times. Some tensions in the head seen directly as just sensation, not a 'me', not an observer. Second sit was similar, although there was more tension and aversion, some harshness, but OK - I will just keep noting and feeling/seeing thoughts until the world pops.

55 minutes this AM, first half out loud. Last night and this AM tension seems to be presenting with a flavor of queasiness, started the sit out that way but noticed tensions and tingling and aversions/resistance that seemed to cycle in all the flavors, from fear of failing, striving, fear of DN thoughts in the beginning , to some sort of angry aversion, to some sort of 'please make it stop' aversion, to some release, then finding myself back in queasy mode for a bit, then some sort of 'life shouldnt be this way' aversion, noting it, over and over - will sit some more here after some food...

55 minutes, started out loud, aversions started to fade, some analyzing, evaluation thoughts, fear of failing thoughts, - switched to pure mahasi halfway through, and more space around the mind, mind splitting off from awareness a few times, staying with rising and falling, sniping a note here and there on other things or noting pulsing and tensions in the stomach. Noting lots of self doubt this sit as well. more in a bit.

55 minutes, mostly rising and falling, ability to stay with an object low, lots of low level fear flavored aversion in the background, running so quickly I am unable to see it clearly, noting aversion many times, trying to stay with rising and falling... Twice in the sitting I could sense a shift where there was a fast, fear flavored vibrational pulse in the core of the body that would suddenly shift to a much faster vibration, smoother, and for a bit things would quiet down, then fall back into the first zone again...

15 concentration followed by 20 noting - vastly different experience. Not sure where the fear and mental instability went, they were there before the sit. Instead of concentrating I just tried to remember what the highest concentration I had achieved was and kept trying to emulate that. Seemed to help? Energy shifted to a higher internal frequency and ended up in my head, it was much easier to stay with sensations, much tingling and puffyness in the head, some vibrations in the lower body - there is an aversion loop running and I note it but its darn slippery and ghostlike, haven't been able to see it clearly, like most of my thoughts today...

My *guess* would be that stronger, finer concentration might help me note this stuff better, see it more clearly - I'll have to remember to start doing some shamatha before I go to bed (when I am most relaxed) since that seemed to work a week back.

naturally everything is back post sit, but at least I can stay with it a bit better. Got a vibration in my whole head, maybe 8HZ or so...

55 minutes this AM - unable to see thinking clearly, rising and falling, aversion, tiredness, thoughts coming and going, not seeing them, 'frustration', tension, lots of fear flavored stuff..

-soo I seem to have multiple pathways for thought, and the noting is using the one that is not causing the suffering, so I tried using *both* pathways.

About 20 minutes in I added a visual note on top of the verbal one, and all the sudden - calm. So when I felt rising of the stomach, I heard 'rising' in my head while also seeing the word 'rising' in the mind. When half formed images triggered fear, I would note 'images' and see the word 'images' in the mind. Seemed to be useful for me. More rising, falling, contraction, tension, images of a self, images of aversion, canting thoughts, canting, etc - but with visual notes added they got clearer. Instead of multiplying like flies something got calmer, clearer, noting calm a few times.

I feel different right now, like somehow I can see more clearly the world around me...And I didn't have to pass through A&P

Cool idea huh?

!
Much more effective at disembedding from all the fearful thoughts and feelings!

55 minutes dual-tech(tm) silent noting as above, went from fear and tension, aversion loops I could not see to very little energy in the body, some neutral to pleasant tension in the head, tingles in the top of the scalp, sense of entire up/down spine being connected, noting peace, noting calm, noting space, hearing, seeing, lots of images of self, images of being an obsever - all noted dually with verbal and visual notes simultaneously. Takes more energy to not this way, but seems to work well this time. Many moments of seeing images of a self being fearful , or desparing, or not wanting this, all seen as images/thoughts/not self. with corresponding release of energy, tingling rushing around in the skull, some in the body.


do it till it stops working -

dn off cushion, but not while sitting... Stepping up my during the day stuff. Slack even a tiny bit and fear/anger/doubt mind starts to spin up. Thoughts of wanting to leave everything, become a monk, etc. Seen this before

Switched back, seem to be able to hit stuff a bit better now when noting.
55 min noting, mostly silent. Tiredness, Hearing, seeing, vibrations, tingling, calm, some aversion, fear of failure, etc, Kind of neutral, some irritation, dharma thoughts. Lots of rising and falling, ability to feel it while noting, some drifting still. Feel very drowsy afterwards, have been drowsy the last few days as well.

more tweaks - reminder to keep the speed up, and allow attention to do what it wants and just note 'what it shows me' instead of manhandling attention, which I have a tendency to do.

gah - only 30 minutes.. Noting silent, faster than Im used to, more choiceless in object... Im pretty sure I fell back down the ladder today. Maybe. Kind of willed it to happen, got caught in anger/disgust/self pity over being in so much DN crap. Caused a few issues with fiance but apparently it was all in my head? Often I get super emo inside or agitated and start worrying about hurting the relationship but noone but me notices... amusing.

Started out feeling fairly solid, some heat, small cramp in heart area, awareness moving very quickly, after a bit mind split off, became object, then some thoughts, tensions, tingling, moving into stage where cramp moves up neck and through lips causing a grimace, then sensations becoming more pleasant, neutral, noticing thoughts of trying to direct awareness, as object, then pulsing, tingling, a fast vibration getting stronger and stronger filling the whole body, pleasant tone, then becoming vibrant, clear for a second or two, then fading, more tingling, mind slowing down from there, some lazyness, and the bell.

not sure but it felt like not choosing an object, just noting what is there moved me much faster through things I recognize from before that I remember getting mired in...

55 minutes, same method.

rising, falling, tingling, seeing, hearing, self doubt, failure thoughts, tension in the chest, then up to the neck, then in the head, found a spot on the foot that was tingling/vibrating in an insteresting way and stayed on it for a bit, all the sudden got that odd feeling of there being this vast space everywhere, noting space, not able see clearly what makes up that sensation but noting it. More space, tingling, calm, then more self doubt, irritation, self judgement, failure thoughts, canting, etc, tension in the body.. Other than the 10 minute period with all the space like sensations (feeling stretched out also, like close eyes and get really big?) the body and mind seemed to be in a similar mode the whole time, some calm, tensions related to the thinking, tingling, nothing unusual. Noting frustration. Expectations.

intent to note all day long. Note the frustration, sadness, contraction, fear, tingles, creeping vibrating painful contractions, whatever.

after a few hours a shift. Unpleasantness, despair, sadness, anger, fear, - they wont go away will they. They are here to stay - somehow I was practicing with the idea that it could all go away. That can't work can it. My relationship to them may change, but maybe even that doesnt have to change.