recording and learning

Thanks!

55 minutes at lunch, noting silently and quickly, some 'it' and 'not me' noting thrown in to help disembed from stuck stuff.

started with body buzzing a bit, some harshness, noting seeing/hearing/vibrations, tingles, thoughts of striving, lots of random stuff in body and mind, no clear theme really until at some point things got very quiet and calm, senses more clear, seeing/hearing more details, like lots in the body, environment and mind more in an all at once way, noting and noticing as it went, deeper sense of peace, calm, normal but not normal, more awareness, some sticky thoughts, like the thought of being behind the eyes somehow, tension in that area noting as 'not me', thought noted as 'not me', 'it' ot 'that' as attention turned to it. Mind still not very clear, lots of images of a face or person seen, associating with spots in the body, tensions. Similar to last night in that there was energy building up in the head but it was gentler somehow this time, not so much a sense of impending something, more relaxing. At one point there were spots on the skin of the face/neck and a few other areas I think that actually had a burning sensation.
edit- almost forgot there was a point in there where somewhere deeper down there was a finger snap 'oh I really am not anything in experience' and the peace got a bit deeper. Note my 'super peaceful' if probably not like everyone else's sense of that state as I have been an anxious DN yogi forever

very painful DN stuff all day, so strong noting it is actually required! Vibration, tension, fearful images, contraction, - whole body has felt like it was full of electricity all day.

55 minutes this evening.

lots of painful tensions, trying to note/stay with them to break them up. Kept noting tension, contraction, breaking it up into heat, tingling, some vibrations at times - had quite a few intense hot spots arise, feeling into them and noting what was there, burning again on the scalp, some short periods of space arising, seeing thoughts more clearly and as thoughts - some tensions spawning aversion thoughts and I investigated them directly, seeing that aversion arises for me as a vague image of a person reacting to something - its like a voodoo doll in the imagination that the body reacts to. Amazing.
after the sit body tensions and sensations seem to be flavor of sharp pain. Thinking that I may have scratched a weak 11th this week but rubberband back to where I need to learn from, which is fine.

Noticed that I had been drifting towards paying more attention to the note than the object recently and during the day was adding the intent to investigate the objects more - think I was on the right track as a few times the C's started showing their heads again during the afternoon.

2x30 noting silent all around,
then 1x55 noting outloud mahasi style -
the 2x30 was much earlier so I dont remember much.
55: rising and falling only, notices lots of small tensions, rumbling of painful stuff in stomch after a while, noticing an undercurrent of self doubt thoughts, images of a cowering person, contactions in the head and neck along with these, but seem to be initially triggered by not directly feeling something in the gut. Its like a particular spot has a sensation and if I miss it the mind has already spun its story off of it which then gets noted and I return to the rising and falling and whatever detail is in that area. Didnt feel any shifts today, mostly calm but not super clear or spacious, although in the second sit as long as I kept attention on the gut the self doubt was clearly not me, even though it arose hundreds of times.
edit - trying to get my during the day stuff up to being a constant habit, as much as I can remember.

Sounds like you're facing up to the difficult stuff and doing what's necessary. I also have been finding that when I just keep after it, the pain and nasty mind states don't have the same power.

Had a good session with Kenneth yesterday - got some technical stuff resolved and have a new daytime practice 'bystander'... More than worth it!
30 minutes noting early today before yoga, had awoken in the night doing bystander, and in the morning before sitting, just training a new habit.
-sit was interesting, awareness wanted to be width of entire body most of the time, some normal tensions, lots of tingles and a few vibrations in hands, arms, legs and feet, then tingles moving up the neck, into center of head then again this sense of space expanding and weaker centerpoint, not sure where awareness originates from for a second, then energy falling back down a bit, more noting, tingles, vibrations, rising, falling, awareness didnt really feel like it wanted to go wider than the body, then pressure in the head and focus felt right so I noted the pressure, pulsing out the third eye for a minute or two, focused on it, then expanded out again, noting more tingles, hands, arms, feet, rising, falling and once again the tingles rising up the neck and into the center of the head into more space, mostly pleasant tingles, then falling back down, at some point in all this was another front of the neck into the mouth and face tension moving up, wanting to make the mouth scrunch, noting it, a few more random tingles and Bell.

in yoga class doing bystander, last pose lying down relaxing and 'see how it invents a self' - wham rushing energy waves into the head and skull, intense, felt like typical light A&P stuff to me, have had some emotional rides last few hours....fear/anger tones in the body coloring mental stuff.

had done another hour yesterday but never made it to the log to write it down, had some relationship issue come up that triggered a huge old wound inside me, sat and had an extremely difficult time with it, finding that the bystander on the cushion was more useful than anything else. Was able after a few more hours of walking around stuck in it to see what the mindstate really was, and a few hours later I could see the aversion enough for it to pass - this particular thing I got stuck to like glue, but I saw it more clearly this time at least.

30 minutes - noting, silent, some fast, sort of all over the place, felt more like a warm up to the day than anything else. Started out when I woke up noticing that I was stuck in narratives, like the mind is practicing random narrative streams all night and gets stuck that way. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just rising, falling, tensions, some fast vibrations in the mouth area and noticing how the breath is not a solid object at all, some indistinct mindstates seen like striving, practice thoughts, sense of being identified with contractions in the head.

10/40/5 kasina/noting/kasina at lunch
Kasina took a while to even see the object clearly, mind jumpy but improved after 10 minutes, object was clear and bright in fullish detail and switched to noting, rising falling, tingles in head, spent the time investigating all the contractions in the neck and head, seeing/noting how an image of a person arises immediately after each is noticed, using a 'not me' note on the sensations found, getting less and less identified with those sensations, tingling and rushes in the head once or twice, then switching to kasina at the end to stabilize..tones mostly pleasant/neutral.

Its clear to me that my concentration loses steam rapidly after retreat, *and* without it the mind seems to not do what is asked very well. It also seems to be on some sort of up/down cycle that I dont have much control over, although the midpoint moves up or down depending on how much I practice...

did 30 min last night after work kasina practice, was interesting as there was lots of energetic stuff going on, felt two areas running up the left and right side of the jaw and forehead into the third eye, felt like some sort of syncing going on, balancing, at some point for a few moments I got locked onto the kasina - I dont think I have ever been able to get that from a kasina before, hindrances were noticeably supressed but not fully, mildly pleasant but not jhanic from what I could tell - afterwards watching a movie I had tons of creepy crawly sensations running through face, scalp, back of neck tingling, some neck wanting to twist itself, intense and unpleasant but not unmanageable. Noting it somewhat during the movie. As I went to bed felt some burning on scalp, some tingling and some rising hot pleasurable tingling in the lower mid spine, and some similar sensations which seemed to be flowing downward on the surface of the skin on the head area..

60 minutes this AM, 15 kasina 45 noting out loud.
Kasina felt like warm up, no lock on but worthwhile, noting random tingles, heat, tensions and contractions in the body, vedana unpleasant, lots of a certain type of aversion which is like an image of a person despairing that they dont want something, got some monster itch in right arm for a while noting it, more random stuff then had a moment where body was seen as not self, mind as not self, rushing, shivering, tingling, energy running up the body in the head in waves, a minute of this, intense, noticing but not noting anymore, then calm, sort of a disembedded from the body hazy stillness, peace, starting to note again out loud and the bell.

10 min kasina, 45 noting. Similar to the morning, but some drifting, tiredness, lots more tingling and tensions noted on surface of head and inside head, not much in the body, seeing how identification with a centerpoint/tension in a certain area arises, using some 'not me' noting also. The knot of tension in the base of the neck seems to be loosening up also, had a moment where it cracked and tingling started moving up higher into the back of the neck. Had a moment where there was a painful, pulsing pressure of sensation as if something was trying to break out of the top of the head, hammering on the inside. Went to rising and falling after a bit to keep the drifting down. Feel like its naptime.

A little late on my part, but reading your entry regarding the method I used was very interesting. Sounds like you got to Equanimity with it, fell back to the beginning of DN, and quickly climbed back to Equanimity before your sit ended.

Here's a general suggestion (kind of a shot in the dark)...you've mentioned embeddedness / disembeddedness in a few of your recent entries. The perception of being embedded is a subtle object. The perception of being disembedded is a subtler object. If you don't see why each is an object, it may be worth reflecting on, and they may require some special noting attention.

OK - after playing around with different forms of concentration the best one so far has to be just doing Mahasi-style rising and falling. There is this interesting effect it has, not sure if its the verbal rising/falling that does it or the abdomen as focus-center but it seems to speed up and power the noting machine better than anything else. Kasina seems to help uproot images/memory fragments better and breath feels the best.

Hmm. Thanks - there are many objects that I dont see as such yet, I will keep that in the hopper. I was riding some post-retreat concentration there too so that helped. Its funny how many different techniques seem to work beautifully on retreat yet fizzle out after it wears off...

45 minutes of Mahasi out loud. - Immediately the mind split off, and even though the thoughts were coming quickly most of them were sliding off, it was like watching a river of rushing water about a foot above the surface. It wasn't still at all though. Felt some tensions rising up after a while and tingling rushes of energy but all subtle, then after the strong energy a calmer, soothing period, then I caught a whiff of some fear and kept at the rising and falling, watching the mind. It kept squirming, almost violently, images of freaking out about not being the 'real' me, like calmly watching a dream image of yourself freak out about realizing it is a dream image. Pretty funny after the fact, actually. Had a long period after this of the mind daydreaming and sometimes losing contact with the object, hauling awareness back to rising and falling, very tired at the end of the sit. Lay down on the bed continuing rising and falling and had one of those moments where you dip into sleep and pop back out of it in a fraction of a second, which seemed to wipe all the energy from the sit away... Almost went to sleep early but thought better of it.

55 minutes Mahasi out loud at lunch.
Rising and falling. Noticed burning sensations on scalp, tensions in head, many thoughts, space between the thoughts, seen as not me more easily. Calm, opening the senses and deeper calm a few times, accompanied by energy rising up the center of the head, some painful shooting lines in neck and head, like all the sudden in the tingles and light burning there would be a flash of pain along a tiny line a few inches long, then gone as soon as it appeared. Over and over seeing sense of self as object, images and tensions in the head, also seeing how images arise suggestive of a person being in a certain emotion and the body starts to react to it.. Still a sense of being lost, without solid ground, noticing mind trying to find a solid self, just images and tensions floating by but more subtle stuff remains to be seen.

Was unable to get more sitting in yesterday although had been going on and off all day - at some point in the afternoon for a minute while I was talking to my boss something interesting happened. I noticed the mind creating the sense of continuity through time of the object 'boss' while listening and it lifted, and for a minute it was like every gesture and sound from him was appearing from nowhere and then gone, poof, with a sense of loss as each moment passed, like the mind trying to hold onto something solid, trying to hold on to each sensation as it was perceived and then vanished.

55 minutes this morning:
Rising and falling out loud, Feeling of nausea was common on and off the whole sit today, first nausea then some fear, then more nausea, shifted to pain for a minute perhaps, noticing thoughts on and off, had a few moments of thinking less, more peace, disembedded from thinking more, noticed how the mind creates an image of being sick and not wanting to be that way when nausea is felt. Last few days has been easier to pull back from the thinking occuring by just touching it quickly with attention as I stay with rising and falling. Later in the sit got into some rushing tingles in the body, tension moving up into the head, some space expanding out from the sense of centerpoint for a bit, then fading again. This sit felt like a random mixture of alot of things from fear/pain/nausea/shaking/peace/calm/eq with thinking, like I had them all in a card deck, shuffled them and pulled out a card every minute.

did 10 min kasina, 55 noting at lunch. Mahasi out loud, near the end I got quiet and just watched.

Started out with some fear and self doubt, then random tensions and thoughts, seeing self images arise, then a tension ran up the neck into the mouth twisting it up a bit, then some rushes of tingles and sense of self lessened, meditation taking over for a few minutes and a sense of calmness. Watched the rising and falling, some more random tensions and tingles then another tension started to run up the back of the neck, got stuck at a painful spot near the base of the neck and then worked its way up - at which time sense of space increased, senses clearer for a few seconds, then got some tiredness and some daydreams running that I didnt even notice until I was lost in them, after that it cleared up again and the sense of peace and stillness increased a bit, neck straightening on its own. At that point I was just watching everything although it felt like I was solidifying the openness instead of breaking it down. Also noticed a decreased ability to see thoughts clearly this sit.

'bachelor night' - hehe... I think I will see just how far I can go into that kasina later...

Just got some neat insight into the fear nana (or whatever it was) -

After the sit it started, been sitting in a drumbeat of fear pulsing in the whole body, not too much aversion, feeling it, and I went to rising and falling a second then looked at the aversion, managed to see the aversion a bit as 'not me' quality, and poof the fear pulsed and contracted its way up through the head and was gone. Funny how disembedding from aversion can allow things to do what they need to do...

I've had that happen as well, it's amazing to see it happen before your own eyes. I never used to understand what people meant about experiencing pain, but not suffering. Now I do. The same thing seems to apply to emotions, emotions being made up of just physical, and mental sensations. They can just go poof too! And all that's left is peace.

"Just got some neat insight into the fear nana (or whatever it was) -

After the sit it started, been sitting in a drumbeat of fear pulsing in the whole body, not too much aversion, feeling it, and I went to rising and falling a second then looked at the aversion, managed to see the aversion a bit as 'not me' quality, and poof the fear pulsed and contracted its way up through the head and was gone. Funny how disembedding from aversion can allow things to do what they need to do..."

Nice! It's so easy to make a story out of it. Great to really see it for what it is...

Really nice, WSH!

Thanks -
2 hours Kasina, some noting. Lots of tension in the head, not sure how far I got - never really got locked onto object but did sense shifts a few times as brain settled down. I did notice how there is a whole layer of subtle imagery, like a dream that doesnt stop, that lies between my normal state and being able to stay with a visual object in a solid way. The eyes were very jumpy for a long time, took quite a while to settle them down. Concentration seems much harder than noting - Makes me wonder what would happen if I did 2 hours of pure mindstate noting..

-edit: come to think of it there were a few moments where it seemed like I was on the verge of entering a positive feedback loop of concentration, a feeling I remember from a few years back when I somehow got myself into a hard 1st/2nd after an A&P, but it fizzled out. More practice needed - didnt feel like I had much left after the one hour, maybe thats all I should try for now.