recording and learning

55 min mahamudra, didnt seem very accessible, listening was strong but I think I already used up my daily allotment of positive mindstates doing between now and lunch - had some strong blissful stuff originating in the neck, remnants of which lasted a few hours.
- tensions the whole time, a few rushing energy surges, but not very much openness or simplicity, did have more of a plain feel to it though. Mostly seems like I was generating some sort of tension trying to do the practice, seems easier to do off the cushion sometimes.

3x30 mahamudra... @ zendo, more tension than usual, some group anxiety, had some strong listening>opennness>bliss>clarity moments but not very stable - Concentration feeling a bit low again, will add that in next time.

55 min this AM, 15 min anapana, got fairly solid and was in this state where everything was floating, and it felt like there was very little space between any of the sensations in the body/breath, like it had become a flat surface or something, mildly exciting pleasantness.
Switched to listening, listening, listening... Near the lat ten minutes had a few episodes of rushing energy filling everything, sense of loss of storyline, hearing/space becoming biggest thing, then calm, more listening, some accepting/release into tension.
Seems to be like all other practices in that momentum is important - If I keep coming back to the ships all day long in a gentle way every minute or so after a while it can get very strong on its own, as the pendulum of the brain swings wider and wider in that direction.

wow you guys are busy - I dont post for 24 hours and my thread almost falls off the page... !

55 min MM (mahamudra) - listening primary object that cannot be heard... Openness, lots of tension, resistance to being swallowed up by the senses, a shift where listening gets bigger and intimate accompanied by rushing tingles through the body and head, this a few times then unpleasant tensions but more listening, tension rising up the face in some sort of sadness where ego doesnt want to continue but still listening, openness, surroundings clear, listening, calm, and the bell.

55 min MM at lunch. Listening strong at times, some drifting a bit though. Started with tensions in the head, pleasant tension in the neck, spreading, then rushing tingles, then calm and after a while of more listening that tension running up the front of the face, then calm, then after a while it felt like I was back at the beginning of the sit, with tensions and another round of rushing energy, calm. Sort of a low grade bliss/openness the whole time, sometimes very sharp in senses, with almost no sense of observer/nondual listening - very direct. Other times I would notice a daydream and go back to listening.
Seems like the practice gets stronger. The openness and well being seem to increase when they arise, and I am having more small moments during the day where I notice things around me and feel a sense of wonder or interest, clarity. Just moments but quite a few more than I remember having a few weeks ago.
-Also notice that if I do any MM at all around my fiance that I seem to bubble over with some sort of love for her. Its like love but feels more intimate, connected, not as emotional, and seems to occur with other people as well.

huh.

Driving from work to go to the tux shop to pick out my wedding tux... had a 'piti attack' - bliss every time I tried to do MM, lasted for an hour and a half.. lots of pleasant but intense sensations happening in the neck, middle neck, and top of neck.

55 min MM, fewer positive mindstates, listening got fairly direct and clean though, kept coming back to it amidst some drifting. Bubbling tensions in the head and neck at first, a rush of energy, some calm and random sensations in body, listening, had tension rising up the face, twisting mouth up into frown, some tension stuck in the eyes a while, more listening, felt like I stalled a bit and wound up with more tension in the face, listening, openness, listening. Funnny how it seems strong one day and weaker the next as if some part of the brain is used up and needs to recover...

55 min MM. tired, will fill out in the morning
- listening continously, felt like at some point senses were bigger than anything else, losing myself.. Lots of tension though, not very much openness, grip felt tight.

55 min MM - listening, openness, lots of tension/release/acceptance but the tension wouldn't budge. Played around with different objects, ships, chickens, ships in the NY harbor.. Felt like I was opening the senses but not really falling into this in a raw way. No real shifts/maps or anything, just sitting there, still lots of tension in the head - Then near the end I switched the object to awareness itself and that seemed to make a difference. With object being awareness itself had moments of everything being crisp/raw and observerless, no particular sense being held open, not sure if there was any tension or not, sort of like a mass of sensations with no center.. Will have to try that again and see where it goes.

55 min MM, alternating between looking for awareness and listening to the ships... Very different this time - the looking for awareness part seemed to dissolve at times the tension I have been experiencing with this practice. At one point my head felt like a balloon, with some light pressure, and other crown-area energy sensations I recognize from regular noting practice. It felt to me like both methods led to a falling back to a simpler mode of being here, and near the end I was very relaxed in the body and had a fairly clear wide awareness of both body and senses, the eyes being closed this sit. I started to see how sensations are taken as awareness, or observer, and are just raw sensations floating in ?...

55 min MM, mind tired, some drifting and hard to stay on task. Had 3-4 episodes of energy rush and shift to less duality/more OKness with everything, less tension this time although near the end the old chain-belief of not measuring up/failing decided to make an appearance. Sadness along with this, fear triggering the belief...Mind arguing about practice techniques as well. Other than that mostly calm, fairly disembedded.

45 min, started with MM but mind not willing, like turning key and having the engine make a sputter. Switched to Anapana, having more recurring daydreams of doing samatha practice.. Hard to tell what/where this is coming from, whether its genuine or some sort of resistance to the possibility of losing the ego, wanting to grab on to something.

OK - Taking a break from this to focus on concentration for a while. Its a bug I can't seem to get out of my craw for some reason and I dont think I will be able to give anything else my 100% until I get it out of my system. No idea how long that will take or how far it will go - just that I dont want to do dry insight and I keep trying to force myself to do it. Going to start a new practice thread tomorrow to clear the slate. For now.

I feel bad in a way, like a 'bad student' or I'm 'doing the wrong thing' but deep down I keep getting this quiet voice that tells me its what I need to do and it wont go away - not just recently either, its been there from the beginning and ignoring it has just made it worse. It might take me a while to get it out of my system and/or see what is going on down there (or it might not) - but I have to do something about it or I wont be giving anything my 100%.

-and if this turns out to be mad rambling then so be it.