Andy's practice journal

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I think I'm grasping at how I felt and how my mind behaved immediately after the last path, and have been feeling disappointment in how this has all now faded away. I'm asking myself, 'What's the point of getting more and more states/stages/paths, since ultimately all accomplishments will prove unsatisfactory?' In some ways, this is probably exactly where I need to be, but the lack of motivation remains and I'm often confused about what I should be doing at this point in my practice.
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I did this as well for a while after my last shift. With just the passage of time, my current progress now just feels like a warm blanket wrapped around me. No real motivation to go further, but no real suffering either, and things seem to just get continuously nicer and nicer.

It maybe feels somewhat like a grieving process of losing a peak experience that just needs to play itself out...

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Perhaps this is depression, or cynicism, or negativity, or Dark Night talking but having more insights into [insert your favorite aspect of reality here] often just seems to perpetuate the grasping for more insights. So, once I have that 'final awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, deep, deep mother-of-them-all realization', then all my problems will be solved.
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When these negative attitudes are happening, can you find any energy or vibration signature happening in your body? Does this "bad energy" or "harsh vibrations" feel like it is obscuring the cleanness and purity that you used to know?

I had a nice minor breakthrough recently when I realized that I needn't sit in equanimity with these harsh vibrations and just by shifting my sense of self to the hara they would disappear. You can see my recent journal entries and check out:

thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/11/...lbox-sweet-spot.html

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The point of the practice is to stop escaping the feelings of craving and aversion in the body (and thus fueling them) and to allow them to burn off in the absence of fuel."

I just wanted to highlight mumuwu's statement. Something feels profoundly correct about this and may explain why I've been feeling more and more at ease despite zero formal sitting lately.

Hey, thanks for the comments, Justin.

I'm still not really sure what was motivating me when I wrote that post. I do know that shortly thereafter, I had a sit where I "gave up" on fighting things, and was able to sit and just watch what came up for me. It was during that sit that I had what I suspect was my first extended 3rd gear experience.

Regarding your other comments, I felt very embedded in the negative attitude, but also did not notice any harsh vibration. Any harsh vibrations that I had seemed to pass pretty quickly when I sat.

I'm still not very experienced with the Witness, and have not had much success with moving my sense of self around, but I'll play around with it.

I'll check out your journal and Nick's post.

Catching up...

Saturday, 12/10
Woke at 6:00, and meditated in bed. Well, meditation is probably too strong a word. I was able to almost immediately bring up body tingling and vibrations. I started by paying attention to the feel of my body in the bed, and with noticing the three characteristics, but it was pretty hard to stay focused. I worked on the Witness for a while, but kept losing focus. I was still sleepy, and I drifted around some, but mostly spent a lot of time moving through different states, including various kinds of body vibrations, body sense disappearing, stillness, clarity, dreaminess, transitions, a fruition with a small bliss wave(which I haven't had in quite a while). I remember 5th and 6th jhanas at one point, but mostly there was just a huge mishmash of stuff. After an hour, I moved into sleeping position and fell asleep for a while.

I strength-trained in the afternoon, and all day my body was feeling floaty, tingly, and bliss came and went.

Sunday, 12/11
Meditated for an hour in bed right after waking up, and it was pretty much the same as Saturday, other than I explicitly brought my focus back to the Witness whenever I caught myself drifting, which was a lot.

Monday 12/12

Started with 3x10 breath-counting, and then shifted to Witness and immediately felt concentrated. Initially, I felt a number of shift one after another, but I pretty quickly ended up with dreaminess, spaciness, and I'd lose focus on the Witness (and anything else) then I'd get a transition to clarity and my focus on the Witness would come back strongly. This happened over and over, and sometimes I'd get cool tingles after the transition to clarity, but then again, I'd also get it if my head nodded strongly. All in all, lots of dreaminess, probably sleepiness, but I really didn't feel sleepy when the chime went off.

On the drive home, I didn't get a chance to sit before getting on the road, but I was able to do Witness and stay very focused. Noting seemed pretty easy to do and I didn't seem to get distracted by thinking very much at all.

Meditated in bed just before falling asleep, and 45 minutes later, I was still awake. I'm not sure how useful it was -- I don't remember much of it.

Tuesday, 12/13

Morning: launched into Witness immediately, and for a long time (5-10 minutes or so) there was minimal 'movement' but eventually, I started feeling shifts every once in a while. I couldn't really tell what exactly I was shifting to, but the new state felt different than the old state. After about 15 minutes, I came to some pleasantness and occasionally I'd have a slow pulse of pleasure/bliss, but mostly it was quiet and pleasant. The chime rang, and when I got on the road, I was able to settle down into the Witness again. Occasionally, I'd get distracted but I was able to get back to it. About halfway to work, I ran into a few minutes where thoughts dropped away, and there was just driving and seeing and body sensations. Thought came back as soon as I started thinking about the fact that there wasn't thinking going on, but even so, I was able to stay with the Witness almost all the way to work.

At lunch, another dreamy sit where time just went by. I tried to stay in the Witness as much as I could, but I remember only the early part of the sit. 35 minutes went by and I'm not sure how much of it was actual meditation.

After work, I waited in the car for 20 minutes while dropping something off for someone, and I was able to get highly concentrated on my breath. My focus was good, and there was lots of physical activity, lots of tingling, buzzing, pleasantness that stayed even when I had my eyes open. On the drive home, concentration was good, and I continued to watch my breath and added noting into the mix.

Wednesday, 12/14

Had a semi-lucid dream last night. I don't remember much, but I do remember dreaming and feeling afraid. At that point, some of the lucidity came in and I was able to feel the physical sensations of the fear, and I remember thinking, 'yeah -- fear nyana' and with that recognition, I was able to relax into it and fall back into the dream.

In my morning sit, I started with first gear noting, and suddenly a big angry (partly fearful) thought would pop up, and I get embedded for a short time. Then, just as suddenly it would fade and I'd be back noting as if nothing had happened. Angry thought pops up, I get embedded for a short time, and then back to noting. This went on for a while, even when was driving to work and noting. Other than the short bits of embedding, I was able to stand back and note the vast majority of the time. When I got to work, I remember having a lot of negative thoughts, discouragement, lack of motivation. These faded by lunch.

At lunch, I counted breaths for a short while, then entered into the Witness. In a short while, I felt a shift happening, and then another, and another, and pretty soon I was completely lost. I did, however, have good concentration and did not feel sleepy in the least, so I remembered to return to the Witness often. Other than that, I pretty much just enjoyed the ride. Eventually, after 40 minutes, I clearly recognized a transition into fifth jhana, and from there, I was able to watch myself go down to first. The transitions were getting clearer and the states themselves were also getting more pronounced. I was running out of time, but when I exited, I had gone back up to sixth. This feels like significant progress with Witness. Can't wait to try this again.

Excellent stuff Andy.

Thursday, 12/15

I only had time for a short sit at lunch. After a bit of breath-counting to get settled, I focused on the Witness. At first, it seemed like things were moving, but it was pretty confusing about what was actually going on. After about 15 minutes, I started to feel transitions between state more clearly. When II stopped at 25 minutes, states were a bit more definite and stable, but it was still hard to tell what nyana/jhana I was in.

Later that afternoon, I was feeling a lot of bliss. In a meeting, I had joy and wonder come up, and was getting into seeing how the light illuminated various faces and objects. People's body language seemed more obvious and I could adjust my width of attention from a wide panoramic focus all the way down to a very small area. The bliss came and went throughout the evening, and I had a hard time falling asleep, even though it didn't feel like I was spontaneously dropping into meditation.

Saturday, 12/17
Did two sessions with the Witness, but in both cases, I fell asleep after feeling a few transitions.

Sunday, 12/18
Did Witness again. I just sat with it and it slowly deepened and transitions between states got more obvious. The chime went off at 30 minutes and I kept sitting. The state transitions got stronger and much more pleasant. It was hard to tell where I was, and there wasn't much thinking going on. Sometimes I could tell I when I was passing second, fifth, or sixth jhana, but I'd occasionally I'd get a number of calm states in a row that I didn't recognize. These states had pleasant and obvious body vibrations. The way up the jhanic arc seemed to take longer and I'd stay in the states longer, but the way down seemed pretty quick most of the time, almost like I was rolling downhill.

I got up after 50 minutes and went to bed, but I could not fall asleep for a long, long time. I didn't really feel like I was going up and down the jhanic arc. It was more like I was in some calm, quiet, peaceful state and my mind was pretty quiet. A bit later, though, I had a strong need to shift my body position, or to move my legs. Kind of like a full-body restless-leg syndrome. I'd move, be still for a while, then have to move again.

Monday, 12/19

I did a short sit before heading out to work, then noted mostly and practiced Witness a bit on the road. Felt focused up until the very end.

Later, I had a number of errands to run, so I used these as an opportunity to practice. Most of it happened while driving to/from an appointment, and also during holiday shopping. Sometimes, I'd sit in the car in the parking lot before going into the store, sometimes after. In the car, I was able to do Witness and start rising up the jhanic arc. Then, I'd shop, or drive to the next destination. Most of the time, I was able to remain present with the activity, although by the end of the evening, it was getting harder. I got in a total of 2 hours of practice this way, and by the time I got home, I was definitely feeling concentration, mindfulness, and bliss.

Tuesday, 12/20

I noticed a lot of drifting into thought (and getting lost in it) in the morning sit and on the morning drive. Noticing it is better than not, but I have a tendency to regard the awareness of distraction as a poor practice compared to strongly-focused, sensation-heavy practice. I don't really notice these quality judgements until way, way after the fact, and so don't note them when they come up.

Later, I finished watching the Sister Khema Dependent Origination video, taking lots of notes. I'm finally starting to understand the links in the chain, and they're not coming as much of a surprise to me. I've seen big chunks of this playing out for me lots of times.

In the evening, I had an argument with someone close to me that left me unable to stay focused on the present moment. I kept drifting off and really clinging to the angry thoughts. I couldn't concentrate on Witness, noting, or even following my breath on the drive home. Later, I lay down for 20 minutes to meditate, and immediately felt the internal vertigo and floaty sensations I associate with first vipassana jhana. At the same time, I felt the strong heartbeat, tension, and unpleasant chest vibrations I associate with Dark Night. The angry thoughts immediately died down and I felt a huge sense of relief. Over the course of the meditation, I started getting embedded again, and when I got up, I was back in the angry state I was before meditation.

Over the last month, I've cycled several times between great mindfulness and clarity on one hand, to being deeply embedded in anger and frustration on the other. Ideally, this would be a good opportunity to pay attention to the chain of DO, but right now, there's too much anger, too much embeddedness.

Getting good sleep would be helpful, but that's been disturbed over the last few days too. Fortunately, I've got almost two weeks vacations starting tonight.

Wednesday, 12/21

It was very hard to stay with Witness, noting, or even my breathing on the way in. I kept getting stuck in thoughts about last night's fight, problems with the new cable and Internet connection, and even old issues at work. Eventually, I gave up on practicing. It's such a huge contrast to the mindfulness and clarity I've had lately. I'm not sure if this is Dark Night, and in fact, I'm not really sure at all where I am on the maps. I do know that there are some situations where I really get embedded deeply, and it's so hard to practice anything at all. After it passes, clarity and mindfulness comes back.

Later in the evening, I lay down on the floor with headphones on, put on a CD of a rainstorm, and inclined toward the Witness. I've been reading about Dependent Origination lately, so I set a resolution to focus on the links in the chain to start getting some clarity on this. It didn't take long to start into the cycle, and it got hard to tell where I was pretty quickly. I'm pretty sure I never slept, but I was sure drifting in and out of a lot of different states. In some of them, the rainstorm on the headphones was pretty immersive, but one state in particular would change that. Whenever I'd enter it, the sound would get two-dimensional, and move into this flat band of sound between my ears. It wasn't 3D at all (and it shouldn't have been to begin with: it wasn't quadrophonic, just stereo) The flatness and lifelessness of it was pretty striking. I cycled in and out of clarity a number of times, and one time I had fairly clear fruition. No bliss wave, but definite clarity and tingles after. Had a few more later on, but none as obvious.

cont...

Wednesday, 12/21 cont...

The chime went off after 40 minutes, and I moved to relieve some numbness, but I stayed meditating. A strong yawning spell came and I concentrated specifically on trying to better see the link between Feeling and Craving. It seemed like the yawning was a reaction of some sort, maybe a reason for me to stop meditating, maybe Desire for Deliverance? I could tell there was something negative/unpleasant just prior to each yawn, but I never could quite catch it.In any case, the yawning passed, and I was able to get another 25 good minutes in.

This was definitely one of those times when I felt I could have sat for hours, but I needed to get to bed.

Saturday, 12/24

For the last few sits, when I've done Witness, it seems like it takes a long time to get to where I recognize where on the maps I am. Around the 30 minute mark, things begin to get clear. Initially, the only thing that seems obvious is the rush of bliss and brightness in A&P/2nd jhana. Using this as a landmark, I can then see 5th and 6th jhanas on the way up, or 3rd jhana on the way down. Eventually, more becomes apparent.

After 40-45 minutes, I'm able to identify most of what I'm passing through, and then by 60 minutes, the sit seems to naturally wind down.

Throughout, there's the sense of increasing equanimity, curiosity, letting go, acceptance. However, if I try to manipulate things by pushing for a specific jhana, then I seem to get more thoughts and less focus.

Sounds very good Andy. The sense of equanimity and acceptance is always a good guideline, as is the lack of a sense of effort.

Monday, 12/26

Did a session in bed just after waking up. Was able to immediately get into first jhana via Witness. For the rest of the sit, I just let things develop without interfering. Felt myself cycling past A&P a number of times, sometimes with body chills I've associated with Dissolution, sometimes without those chills. The rest of the time, I really had little idea of where I was at.

I did have three distinct cycles to the sit. Each one was characterized by awareness of outside stimuli, then an increase in concentration to where those outside sensations dropped away, then some number of states, and then a gradual loss of focus, and outside stimuli becoming more apparent.

I ended up meditating for 75 minutes, and only stopped because my lower back was complaining a bit. Honestly, I felt like I could have sat this way for a long, long time.

Later in the day, I got out of the house for the first time in a few days to go out and buy some cold-weather cycling gear. I sat for 10 minutes in the car before getting on the highway, and then was able to note the four foundations very consistently all the way to the store. On the way back, it was much hard to stay with noting, and I noticed that I was getting lost in thought fairly often.

Tuesday, 12/17

The first session was in bed after waking up. More moving up and down the jhanic arc with the Witness. It's almost as if I just do the least bit of concentration and it takes off on it's own.

At lunch, I sat with the intent to work on concentration more to see if I can keep from continuously moving through the arc. I started with watching my breath for a while, maybe 7x10. I then noted the four foundations in order, with eight notes per foundation. I felt some movement through the cycle, but eventually came to a pleasant, subtly blissfull, and peaceful state. I had some dreaminess, but mostly I just hung out without noting, and just let things be. The chime went off after 40 minutes and I kept sitting for a while, and then played with moving a searchlight on the inside of my skull near my right ear. Several times, I got a mild sense of this slow-motion sinking, dropping feeling and then a very minor bliss wave came. Playing with this definitely killed the peaceful, pleasant state I was in. I ended the sit shortly after this.

Later, after I came home tired from working out, I tried to do a 30 minute session. I remember the beginning of it, and suspect that I slept for some part of it. Later in the evening, I was feeling bliss in the pit of my stomach at random intervals.

Tuesday, January 3

I'm back to work after vacation, and back to a much more regular sitting schedule. During vacation we had a full house, and there was always some activity going on. I managed to meditate every day, but some days it was 10 minutes, and other days I got over two hours in. It was rare that I got a chance to do any driving meditation, which tends to be a staple of my practice most of the time.

Meditation sessions were very similar: I'd start with some breath counting to get perspective on my thinking, and then I'd take the Witness as a kasina. The cycling through nyanas and jhanas would start off very gently and subtly, but would continue to grow for a while until state transitions were much more obvious.

Typically, if I had time, I could sit pretty much as long as I wanted. I'd go through longer cycles of strong mindfulness for maybe 20-30 minutes, and then this would fade and I'd become aware of my environment. If I chose, I could start another cycle. The main limiting factor was my desire not to aggravate and backslide on the rehab and strength training I've done for my lower back. Still, my longest session was 110 minutes, and I could have kept going much longer.

It doesn't feel like I've made any significant progress in almost a month. Things have seemed fairly stable, sits have been very similar, and I'm still not really sure where I am on the path.

I'm curious to see what will happen next now that I'll be able to put more time into practice.

Tuesday, 1/3

Restarted my routine with a short noting session before my drive in. I was able to note/notice most of the time, but kept getting lost in thought near the end as I got off the highway to get to my building. At lunch, I sat for 30 minutes. After gettting focused on my breath, I worked on sustaining the Witness. At the chime, I was starting to get stronger pulses of bliss that might have been transitions through the A&P. Noted on the way home, and was able to be mindful most of the way home.

There was nothing special about any of this.

Wednesday, 1/4
Short sit in the car before hitting the road: 2 min. each on the four foundations, then a bit of time in the Witness. It was hard to sustain the concentration on the Witness once on the road, but noting/noticing seemed to work pretty well.

At lunch, set a timer to go off every two minutes and noted the four foundation @ 2 minutes each. Felt a few shifts, and got into this dreamy/drifty state pretty quickly. I remember that there were times when I couldn't really find any feelings/mindstates to note when noting that foundation. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep during the second or third round of this, and awakened sporadically until the end of the sit. During the afternoon, I had a lot of tiredness, felt 'out of it' a lot, kind of like I never really woke up properly after the meditation.

On the way home, it was difficult to stay with any kind of noting, even though my chime was going off every two minutes to remind me.

Thursday, 1/5
Morning session: nothing special. In fact, I remember doing it, but don't really remember much about it.

At lunch, I started immediately with the Witness, and after feeling a few shifts, I found myself fighting sleep within 10 minutes. After about 30 minutes, I opened my eyes, and although they closed by themselves a few times, I was able to note with my eyes open. My vision was pretty grainy, and it seemed like I only noted changes in the visual field. Sat for another 10 minutes like this, but it was definitely clearer than yesterday's sit. Had occasional periods of a very nice pleasantness.

In the evening, on the way home I was able to get into a groove noting the four foundations. I noted 10 notes of each, and when I got embedded in one and lost in thought, I simply moved to the next foundation. I found that eventually I'd get unembedded, and by the time I got home, noting was flowing pretty smoothly.

It feels like momentum is starting to build again.

The dreamy state you often describe sounds very familiar to me. It comes and goes in periods here.

Yeah, sleepiness seems to be a nyana for me, one which I seem to need to get past after restarting my practice. It's also often hard to tell the dreaminess/driftyness from actual sleepiness. Lunchtime sits seem to be particularly full of this, but are often the only formal sit I can get during the day. The best I can do it make sure I get plenty of sleep to try to take real sleepiness out of the equation.