Andy's practice journal

"Yeah, sleepiness seems to be a nyana for me, one which I seem to need to get past after restarting my practice. It's also often hard to tell the dreaminess/driftyness from actual sleepiness. Lunchtime sits seem to be particularly full of this, but are often the only formal sit I can get during the day. The best I can do it make sure I get plenty of sleep to try to take real sleepiness out of the equation.

"

I like the distinction between false and real sleepiness. It's really true. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to sit at, say, 10 p.m., felt I was too exhausted to practice, gone to bed, and then lay there staring at the ceiling with insomnia. LOL!

Friday, 1/6

I've been adding some four foundations noting to my practice, rather than just the Witness, and I'm finding that spending some time noting vedana helps me better understand the vedana -> tanha link in the dependent origination chain.

In the morning, I did 25 minutes in the car before driving in. Noted the four foundations (10 notes each) for a while until eventually, my sense of space opened up and outside sounds became apparent. I realized at this time that my heart was beating more strongly, and that I felt uncomfortable shakiness at this time.

This slowly wore off and overt noting became harder to sustain, so I switched to noticing, and then to the Witness. Initially, I got lost in thoughts a few time, but in a few minutes, I started noticing a few shifts and changes in my sense of space and width of attention, and then felt the subtle sensations of fifth jhana. Somewhere in here, the chime went off and so I opened my eyes, started the car and got on the highway. I was able to note the four foundations in order mostly consistently all the way to work.

[cont...]

At lunch, I sat for 40 minutes. I started with counting my breath for 5x10 cycles. Even before I was done, I was feeling quite concentrated. I then moved to noting the four foundations, and was able to note fairly well until things started getting dreamy and I started getting lost in thoughts.

At this point, I shifted to Witness, and continued this until the end of the sit. At first, nothing seemed to be happening, but eventually I started to feel an occasional burst of bliss. This got clearer and clearer, and by the end of the sit, it seemed likely that this was the result of crossing and re-crossing the A&P. By the end of the sit, I was still feeling a bit dreamy and hazy, but was not feeling sleepy. Attempts to focus more and to land specific jhanas seemed to pull me out of the dreamy driftiness and stopped the motion through the arc.

When I got back to work, I attended a weekly meeting, and was able to stay in the Witness for substantial lengths of time. The Witness was pretty clear and my experience was that of sixth jhana: focus seemed to be on my body, I felt like I was an observer through my own eyes, and my sense of 'I' seemed pushed against the skin on the inside of the front of my body. (I've rarely felt the sense of 'I' behind my eyes or in my head)

Saturday, 1/7

Drove to an out-of-town meeting today, and did almost 4 ½ hours of various practices. I've been looking forward to this and have been ramping up my practice time so that I could make the most of it.

Started with a 20 minutes sit before getting on the highway. I began with breath-counting and felt my eyes tense up and turn inward. A sense of space in front of my eyes accompanied this. I moved to noting 4F and got to a calm, stable place and my visual perspective seemed to change again.

Once I got on the road, I continue noting the 4F, but there was something noticeably different about the feel of it. The objects I was noting were still arising, but now they were just rising up out of and disappearing into a stillness that's hard to describe. There was this lazy pleasantness about the whole process and a lack of any mental tension or tightness in my body.

After a while of this, I played with HAIETMOBA. Every time I asked myself the question, I'd pause, let go, and pay attention to my experience of the moment. There was a sort of clean waiting, and a kind of surrender to whatever was going to come up. It was kind of tricky though. As soon as I started wanting to stay in that suspended moment of time, it seemed to bring up some tension, which tended to stop the process. Eventually, I dropped out of this. I noted explicitly to get more noting practice, but I didn't re-enter that earlier state.

[cont...]

Saturday, 1/7 [cont...]

Later, I did a formal sit in my car for an hour. It started the same way as the morning sit, with the tension in my eyes and sense of space. However, lots of dreamy drifting took place after this. Eventually, though, more clarity showed up, and after this, I had some cycling through bliss, dreaminess, clarity, sleepiness, and other stuff I don't clearly remember.

On the highway on the way back I noted again. I noted to a metronome for about an hour, and was able to get up to 2 notes/sec continuously. I tried to focus on the vedana of each arising sensation, but it was fairly difficult to sustain that for any length of time.

All in all, a lot of good practice of various sorts.

Sunday, 1/8

Did an 40 minutes in bed right after waking up. Lots of dreaminess, lack of focus, getting embedded in thought trying to note mindstates and thoughts. Sometimes when I meditate right after waking up, I have a lot of clarity, but not this time.

Noted in the car for an hour after dropping my son off at college after his winter break. My focus was quite strong, and I didn't need to note explicitly soon after starting. I had a strong general sense of being mindful and present for my driving, and mind objects rose up, passed, and were pretty easy to notice. I ended up having a lot of pleasure and calmness, and so I extended the drive for 25 minutes to stay concentrated. I had a lot of attention to detail, sharp clear vision, panoramic attention, and a fair amount of bliss, calmness, and equanimity, but not not much excitement at all.

When I got home, I meditated in bed for another hour. Actually, that's not really a good description. I lay down, closed my eyes, and just paid attention to how things developed. I ended up cycling through a lot of states over and over. I stayed out of the way, and over the course of the hour, I had confusion, clarity, bodily pleasure, huge rushes of strong coolness and tingles that evaporated quite quickly, fogginess, shakiness, rapid jumping of my attention, hundreds of pinprick scalp tingles, loss of my felt sense of my body, mild eyelid lights, equanimity, some getting lost in thought but not much, and lots of other stuff.

I would have kept meditating, but a neighbor knocked on my door.

Monday Morning, 1/9

Sat for 10 minutes before driving to work. Settling down only took moments and there was almost no getting lost in thought. I was able to get through itches, unpleasant chest sensations and fogginess to emerge into clarity. Once that happened, I felt I had all the time in the world to note objects arising and passing. On the highway to work, noting/noticing was flowing by itself in the background, and there was this continuous, pleasant, open awareness present. It was easy to notice objects, and their details were interesting. Getting lost in thoughts introduced a 'turbulence' into that calm presence and muddied the simple joy and clear noticing of objects and of the flow of driving. I was able to return to that simple presence easily early on, but it became harder as I got closer to work and the gaps between (long) moments of presence got wider and wider.

I'm pretty excited to have been able to stay in that awareness and to be able to return to it after noticing how getting embedded in thinking really overshadows the clarity of simple experience. It's the first time I've so clearly seen the difference between how experience feels when I'm close to my body sensations vs. what thinking seems to do to that clarity.

Monday, 1/9 [cont...]

At lunch, I drove and noted for for a bit to establish concentration, then sat for 45 minutes. I started with breath counting, but by the time I did 1x10 it was pretty obvious I had strong mindfulness. At that point, I just started noting. I tried noting each foundation separately, but kept coming back to noting mostly body sensations, and then whatever came up. Noting felt smooth and comfortable and I noted a craving for another path more than a few times. I felt myself move through the nyanas very quickly, and then settled into calmly noting whatever came up. It seemed fairly trivial to note continuously and with good detail. I dropped the noting when it became apparent that the explicit noting was getting in the way. Brightness and flashing around the periphery of my vision came up (something I haven't had in a long time). I tried to pay attention to the gaps in the flashing, but felt disappointment when nothing exceptional happened.

I sped up up my noting considerably, and for a few moments, there was nothing but a pure flow of sensations. Without warning, I had what felt like a mild dukkha fruition (a suddenly-slipping-on-the-ice feeling) and then I was having bright lights, clarity, excitement, and tingling. Pretty soon, I was feeling a bit of a mentally-wiped-clean feeling and coolness on my skin. The cycle kept going, but this was the only thing that felt like a fruition.

When I got back to work, I was feeling bliss in the pit of my stomach, excitement, some excess energy, a bit of dizzyness, and a kind of fullness in my forehead. I had a lot of absent-mindedness in the afternoon - I sometimes had to concentrate to accomplish tasks that I normally did without thinking. This continued on through the evening.

Strangely, on the drive home I was simultaneously distracted by thoughts, and aware of the distractions when they happened..

Tuesday, 1/10

Woke up before the alarm and lay silently in bed as my concentration deepened and cycling started. It felt strongly like Witness practice, but without any trying.

Before driving in, I noted each foundation for 2 minutes, then got on the highway. I continued noting for half the trip. For the other half, I simply rested in sensations, and returned to the simple awareness of sensations whenever I'd find myself thinking. I watched for the tension and loss of focus that got generated whenever I found myself getting stuck in thought, and then released it to return to simple awareness. This worked well for a while, but once I had to get off the highway, I went back to noting.

In the morning, I was still feeling a strong sense of bliss and giddiness, and was wondering that was about. Past experience with this tells me that it's probably the aftereffects of the fruition yesterday after not having had one for a long time.

At lunch, I did some kasina practice to start off, and then moved to noting. I got sleepy and drifted in and out of clarity, until a strong, blissful transition woke me. At that point, I got more and more awake, and started to notice more transitions happening by themselves.

Did a quick sit in the car before heading home, and was able to immediately get focused on noting. On the highway, I was able to get a sense of peace, ease, and bliss by staying focused on body sensations. This continued for maybe 20 minutes, at which point I suddenly noticed that I didn't remember the last 5-8 minutes of driving. I suppose I could have been lost in thought, but things didn't feel that way. I felt peaceful, blissful, contented, and didn't feel the tension that had been coming along with getting lost in thoughts. Strange.

Did 15 minutes of breath-counting later in the evening and was able to stay pretty focused the whole time. Afterwards, I felt a bit irritable, crabby, tired.

Wednesday, 1/11

In the morning sit, it was noticeably harder to stay focused on the four foundation, so I sat a bit longer to see if this helped. Continued noting on the drive, and then had a short time where the flow of bliss, peace, ease happened. Again, was able to keep it there for a bit by staying focused on body sensations. I'm still feeling a bit crabby and tired, but not quite like yesterday.

Lunch: Drove to warm up the car and noted. Noting of any kind was hard to sustain. Worked on kasina again, and got sleepy again. Drifted in and out of clarity for a while, and then had a strong burst of bliss that woke me up. After that, it felt like I cycled like I was doing Witness. I continued to have some bursts of bliss occasionally, and my felt sense of my body changed quite a few times. Afterward, I felt a bit blissed out, and my neck was stiff again.

In the evening, the drive home was not particularly mindful, but I continued to note as best I could. I'm still feeling some kind of a letdown or perhaps an undercurrent of depression. It's pretty subtle.

Later on in the evening, I meditated twice more. The first sit was a 20 minutes of breath watching to build concentration, which developed quite nicely.

After getting up to answer the phone, I did 45 more minutes of Witness practice. Initially, I did some noting and some explicit focus on the Witness to start the session, but then I did very little to get the process to continue. Mostly, it unfolded on it's own, and I was just along for the ride. As usual, it took about a half-hour for the cycling to build up and intensify. Clarity about which state I was in was starting to come in. I could sense various characteristics of nyanas as various times: a hitch in my breathing, strong heartbeat, pulses of bliss, strong itches, fogginess/dreaminess, monster itches but no need to worry about them. Basically all this stuff seemed to just repeat over and over.

Thursday, 1/12

I noted for 20 minutes before getting on the road, and felt moderately concentrated once out on the road. However, by the time I was half-way to work, I kept getting embedded in a recurring set of thoughts. The loop of thoughts kept building little by little, and when I got to work, my mindfulness was intermittent.

At lunch, I drove and practiced Witness, then parked, set the timer for 40 minutes. Started with a bit of kasina, then moved to dwelling in the Witness. Cycling started early, with a number of strong pleasurable shifts, then things smoothed out. Transitions stopped happening and not much else seemed to happen for the rest of the sit.

In the afternoon, I was having some dizziness, vertigo, lack of motivation, a bit of nausea, wanting to go home. All of which could be explained by the McDonald's Chicken McBites I had for lunch.

On the ride home, I found myself drifting in thought way more than noting, and having some particular thought loops about the growing tire noise in my very new tires. That evening, I had a lot of agitation, nervousness, feeling like a stranger at home. It's getting interesting.

Off-cushion notes, Friday, 1/13

So yesterday, I noticed that I had some thoughts that my practice was stagnating, that I wanted to do something different, that I was ready for things to be changing. Which is funny, because things have really changed recently. Last weekend, I put in around seven hours of strong practice. Over the days that followed, it kicked up lot of physical sensations. Now, I'm getting some vertigo, occasional bursts of bliss, a general increased sense of body awareness, a lot of heavy vibrations in my chest, and assorted other things.

However, I'm also noticing a lot of comfort-seeking behaviour: eating lots of chocolate, wanting to sleep, wanting to curl up alone, and just not wanting to be around anyone. Outwardly, I think I appear a bit withdrawn, tired, and somewhat crabby. This is very muted compared to the internal reactions I'm experiencing. I've noticed occasional strong physical agitation, but, interestingly, not the outward, irritated, angry behavior. There's been some generalized anger, some fear. Last night, I had a strong, almost painful tightening and vibration in my chest and core to some very loud noise.

In my formal practice, I seem to have less concentration, but it's fairly variable between sessions.

I'm not sure where this is headed, but I will have the opportunity to do 3-4 hours of practice this Saturday. I'm curious about how that will affect things.

Friday, 1/13

I woke up before the alarm, and tried to extend awareness into the dreaming I had been doing. I remember the experience of being somewhat aware during the dream, but I don't remember the dreams.

In the morning sit, concentration came very slowly, and I stayed with mindfulness of breathing for quite a while before noting a bit. Once on the highway and snow, my noting was not very consistent. I found myself drifting in thoughts often, but there seemed to be an subtle undercurrent of mindfulness some of that time.

At lunch, I changed my noting practice to something I had used a while ago, but had fallen out of the habit of using: for each sensation that I noted, I stayed with that sensation until another one replaced it in my awareness. It's amazing how powerful this is for me. I remember doing it before second path and finding it very difficult to stay with this practice. Today, it was easy.

I was able to get very concentrated very quickly, and then it was just one sensation after another presenting itself to me. In some cases, I was able to watch thoughts for their entire lifecycle. At one point, there was nothing but a pure flow of sensations, and the noticing of those sensations. At another, I felt a transition from that flow state to one of more clarity, and remember wondering if it was a fruition, but I didn't feel a bliss wave after.

When I went back to work, I noticed that the heaviness and dullness I've had over the last few days seems to have lifted. I also was still able to notice sensations rising and passing, and in some cases, it was distracting me from the content of conversations. This passed after an hour or so, and that heaviness and dullness came right back by the evening.

Saturday, 1/14

Almost 4 hours of practice today, with two formal sessions and the rest while driving. Nothing special to report other than I'm really getting embedded in thoughts about a work situation, and a problem with noisy brand new tires that I hear every time I drive. I'm having a lot of negativity and depression-like symptoms: tiredness, low energy, little motivation, irritability.

The previous practice of noting and staying with one sensation until another comes to replace it was harder to sustain today. I keep finding myself searching for the next sensation rather than just watching to see what presents itself next.

Despite this, I managed to get into a "flow state" a couple of time where there was nothing but a continuous flow of noting sensations. It felt more inclusive than when this has happened in previous paths. I'm explicitly trying to broaden awareness to include as much as I can. There was also some flickering of light and brightness around the periphery of my vision, but it remained fairly subtle.

I did notice that my noting speed seems to be going up while driving. At high speeds, I'm barely noticing and touching each sensation, but there is still recognition that a sensation has presented itself. Noting speed seems to be much higher when looking out at a busy visual field, but sounds don't seem to present themselves so quickly, nor do touch sensations. I'm still undecided if trying to work on noting speed is helpful or not. I do know that it really tends to intensify the 'swirling energy' body sensations for a few days, but is that helpful/useful/necessary? Not sure

Your practice seems pretty powerful and disciplined, at least by my standards. Do say if you want to chat again about how things are going

Thanks, Villum. I will take you up on the offer to chat -- much appreciated. I'll message you in the next few days when I know my schedule better.

Monday, 1/16

This morning, I noted for a short time before my drive in, and then again on the highway. I'm still quite preoccupied with some issues at work and am having a great deal of anger related to problems with new tires. A lot of times, I found myself thinking in circles rather than noting. I was able to get some temporary relief from the thoughts about the tire problems by focusing on the tire noise as simply sound that passed in and out of my awareness, but this didn't often last very long. When these though loops come up and keep coming and keep coming, I notice a lot of doubt and vague thoughts about backsliding in my practice. As these recurring thoughts come up, it also seriously interferes with being able to clearly watch sensations rise and pass in awareness, especially with seeing them pass.

I finally got some relief by proactively and calmly talking with the garage about the tire problems despite my anger, while noticing the angry thoughts and feelings come and go. It turned out to not be their fault at all, but yet another problem with my car. I had a huge sense of relief, release, letting go, and was able to get some much-needed perspective on the whole matter. The mechanical fix wasn't cheap, but it was less costly than hanging on to my own anger.

I had been making assumptions, believing my (imagined) thoughts, and then reacting to those imagined thoughts, which just stoked the whole process. It's easy to see now, but it was very trying and disorienting during the midst of it. It's also very tempting to call these strong reactions simply the result of Dark Night or cycling, but in some ways that's an excuse. At it's heart, this situation really got at what it means to bring my practice off-cushion, at my responsibility to not dump my crap on other people, and at my desire to act more skillfully in difficult situations.

Monday, 1/16 (cont...)

Resolving the tire issues freed up a whole lot 'space' in my thinking, and at lunch I was able to concentrate on some readings on non-dual awareness. These seem to resonate deeply with me these days, and bring on some spaciousness and bliss, much like reading the Ruthless Truth forums did before my last path. Non-duality seems somehow more obvious, maybe makes more sense, but I'm not sure I can get into words why that's so.

After work, I was able to sit for 20 minutes in my car before driving home. Noting speed was up, and my ability to focus on sensations seemed strong. On the drive, I noted part of the way home, then played with a growing sense of inclusiveness and panoramic-ness. Thoughts rose and passed, and I was able to watch without getting involved much.

Later in the evening, I managed 40 more minutes in bed. Sometimes when I can stay with sensations till their endings, it gets me very deep very fast. I very quickly got to an open, receptive, and stable state where I clearly saw a difference between the sensations of Witness and something else that seemed more centerless. I was able to move back and forth between these two sets of sensations. I also cycled lots of times into dreaminess, then directly into hard, sharp clarity, finding myself suddenly back in body sensations, and shortly thereafter having a serious flooding rush of cold tingles. It very much reminded me of review fruitions.

I was definitely blissed out when I got done. When my family came home, I walked around, talked to them, and still felt periodic, faint pulses of tingles. I felt very open, very unguarded, empathic.

Tuesday, 1/17

Sat in the car before driving in, but I don't seem to remember much about the sit or the drive. This has been happening occasionally. I'm pretty sure I paid attention most of the way, and it's likely I wasn't spacing out, but still... Anyone have any experience with that? I'm wondering if I'm strongly focused on the present moment and am not building the memories to review later. Or maybe I just spaced out.

After work, I did a 30 minute formal sit, then immediately a mindful drive home. I've been feeling a lot of energy swirling from place to place in my body lately, and a lot of bliss in my sits (and during my commute). This also came up on the drive, and when I got home, I intermittently felt this swirly, vertigo, bliss stuff coming up throughout the evening

[cont...]

Tuesday, 1/17 [continued...]

Later in the evening, when I went to bed, I couldn't fall asleep. Instead, with a trivial minimum of attention to my breathing (1x10), I felt my body start to buzz and tingle, felt concentration grow, then things got dreamy and I lost the feel of my body. And then POW! a very quick transition to sharpness, body awareness. Bliss rolled over me. Then, suddenly, cool tingles like being dunked in cold water, followed by a rapid heartbeat, strong shakiness in my chest, and then dreamyness again, and loss of body sensation. And again, WHAM!

This went on over and over, with the bliss getting stronger, very intense, almost sickeningly overwhelming in a way. I turned over in bed -- no effect. Talking to myself, telling myself to stop it, opening my eyes, looking around -- no help either. Moving around in bed only delayed it. As soon as I lay still, I'd get another bliss wave. Sometimes, I'd get one right after another within a few breaths, and other times it took longer. I lost count, but am guessing that this happened more than 30 times before I sat up. Eventually, the sleep meds that I took an hour before started to work and I must have finally fallen asleep.

I don't remember any recent path fruition, so I don't think this is review. Still, I should check to see if I can get pureland jhanas or NS now, though.

That certainly sounds like review. Didn't you recently get a path?

Wow!

"That certainly sounds like review. Didn't you recently get a path? "

I got second near the end of October. I'll have to see how this plays out. I've been fooled before.

Okay. Keep in mind that after 2nd path, it can take many cycles before you get path, and you'll spend some time in review after each one.

Yes, I've heard that. I do seem to be having some openness, peacefulness, and stillness that wasn't there before, but it doesn't seem to be that big of a change. I also can't really pinpoint any special fruition that may have been a path fruition. In any case, I'm enjoying this and am exploring some new territory, particularly a slightly more center-less sense of my body.