Andy's practice journal

Wednesday, 1/18

Morning: did a quick 15 minute sit, but concentration was not very strong. I drifted into and out of thought a bit. Out on the road, I did a practice that I read about in Ken Wilber's 'One Taste.' As I drove, I imagined that I was sitting still and that the world was moving past me instead of me through it. It brought up a strong sense of me as the center point of the world, and everything that happened had to pass through 'my' awareness. It took a while to settle in, and I drifted in and out of this most of the time.

During the morning, bliss was pretty strong at times, and rarely faded. Cycles (as measured by when I noted bliss was very strong) seem to be pretty quick. I probably had 3 or 4 before noon.

At lunch, I tried to work on concentration by focusing on breathing, but could not get enough concentration going to keep myself from cycling. (I think I might be able to work on concentration via kasinas) The first pass through A&P was quite noticeable, and got stronger and stronger as I cycled through it. After a half-hour, I was feeling very blissed out, and switched to trying for a NS fruition. I moved a spotlight of attention around the inside of my skull near my right ear, and created one unknowing moment where input from my senses faded away. When things came back, there was a long silence, and a small rush of cool tingles. It felt different than the cycling I'd just been doing, but I'm not sure how this was any different, if at all, from when I've tried for NS before. I tried again, but my concentration was not strong enough to hold attention in one spot very long.

After work, I worked out pretty hard, and what bliss and body sensations I had from earlier were eclipsed by muscle fatigue and shakiness from the lifting. When I came home, though, I felt great -- very open, at ease, calm, peaceful, compassionate. My mood was joyful and playful in a way that I haven't seen in a while.

"

"

These are just awesome reports, Andy. Thanks!

Thursday 1/19

Even though I had less sleep than usual, I felt great. Sat for a few minutes just watching my breathing before my drive in, and on the way in, I worked on watching the world pass by me as if I was sitting still, and not moving through it. The sense that this was happening, and that I was an observer was a bit stronger than yesterday, and there was a calmness and a peacefulness about it. The snow was coming down hard, and I drove slowly, and thoroughly enjoyed the rush-hour commute to work.

Later, sitting in a doctor's office, I felt a quiet calmness settle in. As I looked around the empty waiting room, my impression of my body felt changed, and in a way, it didn't seem very much different than, say, my impression of the furniture in the room. If I wanted, I could make the sense of 'me' in my body rise to the forefront. I played with this a few time, and there was definitely something that felt tight, tense, busy when I was an 'I' in my body.

At lunch, I didn't have to note much to get things going, and pretty soon I started having vague periodic periods of bliss. I'm guessing I was rising up and down through the nyanas, but I don't think my concentration was strong enough to clearly tell where I was. In the middle of this I had a big blooming of bliss and a huge shower of cool tinging. Then, things reverted back to the periodic bliss for the rest of the sit.

All through the day, I was in a calm, peaceful, joyful mood, with lots of energy, motivation, and creativity for work. On the way home, I noted sporadically, and drifted into thought a lot, but I wasn't particularly disappointed by it.

At bedtime, I meditated in bed before sleeping. I started with breath counting, and the cycling just happened by itself. I remember feeling some gentle bliss cycling over and over. Eventually, I let go of meditating, turned over, and fell asleep.

Catching up from an internet-less weekend...

Friday, 1/20

Had a smooth, calm, peaceful, lovely ride in on a very cold morning. Even though I didn't sit beforehand, I was able to continuously and consistently note the four foundation, 8 notes of each, then switched to 1/each, then just vedana, then mixed it up a bit.

I'm still having a lot of joy, peace, and can focus pretty well at work. I have lots of energy to get stuff done, and notice that bliss is regularly present.

Cycling is noticeably obvious during the day if I sit still for a while, or even group conversation. The characteristics of A&P(bliss), Dark Night(visual focus changes, and concentration changes) are more noticeable. I'm aware that I'm aware more often during the day, and I also find myself listening for and hearing the three characteristics in sounds more.

Music, especially atmospheric, or ambient really sounds amazing, and in addition can really give me a sense of vertigo because the three characteristics can stand out so clearly. I've been working my way through the very challenging but interesting www.touchradio.org.uk/

This work, specifically, starts me cycling in very short order: www.touchshop.org/touchradio/Radio1.mp3

I think it works well for me because the upcoming sounds and textures are, to a large extent, unpredictable, and not so easy to categorize conceptually and intellectually.

While listening to the music, try noting "gone" each time you notice something vanish.

E,g, if there is a pounding drum beat (hopefully not too fast)

BOOM (gone) BOOM (gone) BOOM (gone)

Thanks, Jayson. That's a good suggestion, and I'll try it.

Last night, I specifically noticed that I had a fruition while closely following a sound that faded away to silence. When the sound completely disappeared, there this background of nothing that was left, and a heartbeat later I had a body jerk and a small bliss wave.

Music with very regular beats seem to be more difficult for me to meditate to. I wonder if it has something to do with anticipating the next beat, the melody line, the chord progression, etc.. When I anticipate, I think it's harder for me to hear what's actually happening in the moment.

"Shinzen talks about vanishings and noting "gone", one of the themes of "focus on change". Filmed Jan. 2010 at the Mary and Joseph Retreat Center in Rancho Palos Verdes, C.A."

There's a good reference for what we're talking about. I'm glad you had a similar experience to what I've had while doing it and what Shinzen talks about here.

Edit: Kenneth also suggested I do this quite a while ago. It seems to be helpful in precipitating fruitions.

Yeah, noticing the endings of phenomena has always been very powerful for me when I've been able to do it.

I've seen that specific video before, and that's a good one. As I'm watching it again, though, I noticed that in it Shinzen starts off by mentioning "abrupt vanishing" and that later at the 3:15 mark, he says that he uses the word "gone" to denote "abrupt vanishings at the macroscopic scale."

That definitely makes sense with what you had originally mentioned (the drum beat), but I'm not sure how well it maps to my experience. In a way, this seems more like "flow" to me, since the ending wasn't abrupt, but was fairly slow, over many seconds.

Either way, what appears to be important to me is this: what was left when the sound faded seems similar to what the sound came out of to begin with, and for me, what all sensations seem to arise out of and disappear into (again, when I'm able to see that happening, which is very rare).

Interesting stuff!

Saturday, 1/21

A lot of driving, so I got in 4:40 of practice today. I did two formal sessions, and the rest was while driving.

In the morning on the drive in, I was able to sustain noting for quite a while before hitting heavier traffic and snow and slush. Even then, I felt fairly non-reactive. After my meeting, I did a formal sit, and focused on my breathing. The cycle did get rolling, but all through it I stuck with keeping my focus on my breath. Eventually, I had a powerful bliss wave and tingles and then just sat with all the changes and cycling. Mostly, it felt like Witness cycling.

On the way back home, I was able to sustain noting, then shifted to simply being present with whatever was happening, and ended up in a calm, peaceful, joyful, and blissful state for most of the ride home.

Later, did another formal sit, and had lots of sleepiness, dullness, heaviness, and when the chime rang and I (mostly) woke up, it felt like a jackhammer was running in my chest. It took several hours for that to wear off, and during that time, I felt tired, and had little motivation or energy.

Sunday, 1/22

When I woke up, the dullness and heaviness from the night before was gone. I managed a 70 minutes in a fairly focused session in bed right after waking up.

In the evening, I did another session while istening to this: www.touchshop.org/touchradio/Radio1.mp3 It ended up being a very intense session, with a lot of tingling, bliss waves, focus width changes, jhanas, and lots of assorted stuff all at the same time. Some of the sudden texture and volume changes in the composition triggered fruitions, and eventually the whole thing finally wound down after 40 minutes.

I realized something interesting this weekend. It's now taking me virtually no time at all to get into the flow of noting. I close my eyes, then there's this small shift in eye focus, and then noting just flows.

"I realized something interesting this weekend. It's now taking me virtually no time at all to get into the flow of noting. I close my eyes, then there's this small shift in eye focus, and then noting just flows.

"

Nice!

Yeah, it's nice when it happens like that, but it's also likely that it'll pass. Noting grasping, holding on, wanting this to continue, not wanting it to stop.

Monday, 1/23

At lunch, I started noting with vedena, and had a strong pulse of bliss pop up almost immediately. Things got dreamy pretty soon after that and then cleared up and a strong rush of cold tingles followed. I tried to note when I could, but for the most part I just went along for the ride. The dreaminess was followed by a cold rush of tingles that got stronger every time through. At one time, my body felt like it suddenly moved a foot up then back down just before the cold tingles, but for the most part it was cold tingles, then clarity, then dreaminess over and over.

It wasn't until I finished and was on my way back to work that I realized just how much bliss and excitement I was feeling. Later in the afternoon, my head was feeling full and I was feeling a bit disoriented. My ears were ringing, which they usually do when I'm concentrated. Music through headphone sounded fantastic, and I seemed to be able to notice my body more than usual.

On the ride home, after noting for a while, I let it go. Instead, I paid more attention to how my body was experiencing the car ride, and how my eyes saw what I drove through. I entered this pleasurable, calm, and joyful state where colors became more vivid, sounds more noticeable, physical sensations more prominent, feelings more obvious. It was quite compelling, in an almost magical kind of way. The sun was going down, and the contrast of the orange taillights moving against the dark landscape was very striking. The muted winter colors were gorgeous and saturated.

All evening, I had some excitement, a bit of vertigo, lots of tingling and swirling feelings, a sudden rush of cold chills occasionally. These sorts of sensations used to really affect my ability to fall sleep, but I went to sleep without any issues at all.

Tuesday, 1/24

I haven't needed to sit to establish mindfulness before my morning commute these days. Today, I just started with noting, and within a few minutes, I switched to being aware of my body and sensations. I felt this shift, like I was stepping back from being embedded to being able to see stuff arise and pass in my awareness. This went on for a while, until being present for the act of driving itself became interesting and consuming. So, I stayed with that all the way into work, and even at work, I was able to stay present for quite a while.

The lunch sit was a bit calmer than most lately. I've been trying to build some more concentration, and so I focused on my breathing even when it felt like I started cycling. I lost count whenever things got dreamy, and restarted when clarity returned, and this happened a number of times. Sometimes there was a small bliss wave when clarity occurred. Afterwards, late in the afternoon, I was feeling tired, but had occasional periods with a lot of bliss.

On the drive to the gym, after a bit of noting, colors became more vivid again, driving felt interesting and new. I worked out pretty hard, but could still feel some of the bliss and tingling after I was done. Truth be told, I'm getting a bit tired of the wow! factor and all of the physical stuff -- the bliss, the tingling, the swirling sensations.

Wednesday 1/25

Sat for 15 minutes before driving in. Things seemed calmer today, but then again, my body is still feeling yesterday's strength workout. I started by watching my breath. It took most of the sit before I started sensing some cycle movement. After the breathing, I mostly noted the four foundation, one foundation at a time. I was feeling laid back, noting was mostly constant, and I was aware of getting lost in thought. Once on the road, I continued to note, and I definitely felt a sense of having stepped back from thoughts. My awareness seemed fairly constant at first, but later I as got into traffic, I'd get involved in thoughts occasionally. The process of driving was interesting and bright colors like the yellow stripe on the side of the road, the yellow, green, and blue traffic signs, orange taillights, and blue-tinged headlights stood out noticeably from the rest of the color palette.

At work, it's been harder to focus, and I'm way more easily distracted than a week ago. At my lunch sit, it was hard to get into sitting. I drifted in and out of sleep for a while, then a strong wave of bliss woke me up. Wakefulness increased at that point and for the rest of the sit, I cycled gently and continuously, with an occasional wave of bliss, felt body shape and position changes, dreaminess, vertigo and miscellaneous other things over and over.

On the ride home, I did a variety of things, but I started with slow noting, and really trying to soak into the sensation/foundation. It didn't take very long to feel concentrated and undistracted. Sensations became more interesting and compelling in a way, and although the wow! factor is now largely diminished, there was still a fascination with color and movement coming up often. I also asked HAIETMOBA for a while, which had a way of very firmly placing me in the present moment, and disembedding me from thinking if it was happening.

So, most of the wow-this-is-cool sense of the visual effects seem to be worn off, and I have not gotten strong vibrations, vertigo, or swirly sensations from music in a few day. However, I still can get fascinated by color, shape, and movement while I'm driving, and some music definitely stands out. It feels a lot like what I've experienced of Direct Mode. I just don't get the 'double-rainbow' this-is-so-freakin-cool vibe from this. I've also noticed pleasure and tingling building up when I get into tasks that requires concentration, for example if I play Solitaire on my phone.

Interestingly, I've also discovered something new about my noting. Over the last few weeks, I had been worked on ramping up my noting speed. A lot of the time, that really doesn't get me more focused. Sometimes when I go really fast, it often has felt like things are happening way too fast to note and I feel out of control, and that there are way too many things to be able to note.

What I found is that when I slow down my noting speed and let the thing that I note 'soak in' more, I get more easily and deeply focused on noting. I still notice that other sensations are happening, and often very, very quickly. Here's the key for me, though: first, I let all those other sensations pass and happen in the background, and only note and focus only on one specific one at a time. Second, I then let some other sensation pull my attention away from the current one. This seems to make the whole process flow.

Interesting!

"
Over the last few weeks, I had been worked on ramping up my noting speed. A lot of the time, that really doesn't get me more focused. Sometimes when I go really fast, it often has felt like things are happening way too fast to note and I feel out of control, and that there are way too many things to be able to note.

What I found is that when I slow down my noting speed and let the thing that I note 'soak in' more, I get more easily and deeply focused on noting. I still notice that other sensations are happening, and often very, very quickly. Here's the key for me, though: first, I let all those other sensations pass and happen in the background, and only note and focus only on one specific one at a time. Second, I then let some other sensation pull my attention away from the current one. This seems to make the whole process flow. "

I've experienced the same. The "soaking" is something that Shinzen puts emphasis on as well. In general a mellow pace of speaking a label out loud each two or three seconds feels right for me (stuff gets noticed in between as well). But the ideal pace seems to vary depending on how awareness is at that time. (broad/shallow/alert/vague?) Lately this even changes during one formal sit, especially when there are dream waves coming and going.

Thursday, 1/26

At lunch, I drove mindfully for a bit to warm up the car, doing slow noting of each foundation for 2 minutes apiece. By the time I got to my meditation spot, concentration was good, colors looked vivid and saturated, I was seeing tons of details in whatever I looked at, and I was thoroughly enjoying the sensations of driving.

I parked and immediately started noting the four foundation. On the first pass through, my concentration ramped up pretty well, but I noticed a lot of dreaminess starting by the time I got to the fourth foundation. On the second pass through (8 minutes later), I had strong dreaminess (but not sleepiness). I started having episodes of sudden clarity, and subtle tingles. Noting would pick up, then pretty much disappear when the dreaminess started again. This continued on through the rest of the session.

Just before the chime rang, I felt a big, full-body thump, very much like when your car runs over a big pothole. Immediately after this, I had a HUGE bliss wave, one like I've not had in a long, long time. I opened my eyes after the chime rang, and still felt the bliss. I started the car, drove to pick up a sandwich for lunch, and still felt bliss while standing in the sandwich shop. Three hours later, I still felt bliss. My head felt full and light, and I had a lot of joy and energy. If I concentrated on anything at all, the bliss became very apparent.

The bliss continued on the drive to the gym. I was able to notice and switch several times between (1) a panoramic awareness where there was stronger bliss, and objects, shapes, and movement was very noticeable in the periphery of my vision, and (2) one where there was less bliss and it felt like I was looking through a tunnel at the cars on the road ahead of me.

I did a hard workout, and it became much harder to notice the bliss for the rest of the evening because of all the other body sensations going on.

IMO

Direct sensory clarity = Hi Equanimity
Thump followed by bliss = fruition

Also, seeing it was so impressive sounds very path-moment-ish

Friday, 1/27

Other than the bliss, there doesn't seem to be anything new going on. For a couple of hours after the fruition yesterday, my concentration felt very, very strong, but that faded away too. I have been working out pretty hard three of the last four days, and that seems to damp things down for me. I'll have time to practice over the weekend, and I'll see if there's anything that seems different.

In the afternoon, I was still feeling bliss, but not nearly as much as yesterday. I was also having a lot of body sensations: swirling, tingling, pleasant vibrations. During a meeting, I realized that I was getting kasina-like visual phenomena after staring at a piece of high-contrast artwork. If I closed my eyes, one-pointed concentration on the anapana spot seemed more noticeable, and distractions during concentration were more obvious than usual, but there wasn't anything really outstanding about it.

Worked out again in the evening, and again, the bliss was much harder to pick up, and concentration was also down because of it.

Saturday, 1/28

Did a mini-retreat today, and got in almost 5 hours of practice -- did three good hours noting while driving to and from a meeting, and then two more formal sessions, and lots of mindfulness off the cushion. No sleepiness in either of the formal sits, just a lot of dreaminess and the occasional fruition. The second formal sit was a pretty wild ride, with a huge amount of tingling, swirly sensation, bliss, chills, and you name it. I also had a couple of times where it felt like my body was slowly turning head-over-heels, and I remember that I tightened up my neck muscles in preparation for flipping over.

Throughout a lot of this, I didn't note at all, and in fact, I remember being lost in thought a lot. Once the session started, I didn't need to do anything at all -- it just ran by itself, whether I was lost in thought or not.

Sunday, 1/29

Sat for 15 minutes doing samatha practices, watching the breath at the anapana spot, then continued sitting with noting. Initially, had a small wave of vertigo, then a big itch, then what felt like long and gradual deepening. Eventually, I started what felt like Witness cycling, but it was hard to tell if that's what it was or if I was cycling up to Equanimity, then transitioning back down to A&P. I simply sat with it all, feeling all the different sensations and thoughts rise and fall. Ended up sitting for 75 minutes.

Monday, 1/30

I've been able to stay more mindful and aware today, and have been able to notice my width of attention changing fairly often, narrow and focused on a situation at hand, or wider, more inclusive of the periphery and various senses.

At lunch, I experimented with my new increase in mindfulness. I did not note at all, but simply drove to my meditation spot. On the way, I was able to maintain awareness of the width of my attention, and most of the time, it was fairly wide. This included not only what I was seeing, but also body sensations, thoughts, and sounds. I could choose to focus on individual objects (all rising and passing very quickly), or I could focus on the whole scope of awareness all at once.

When I did the formal sit, I again didn't note or try to do anything special at all. I just closed my eyes and tried to just let stuff pass in awareness. I experienced a slow, gradual deepening of my previous mindful state. External sensations got quieter, and internal, 'energy' feelings increased. Periodically, I got a lot of swirling, the sense of my body would disappear, then later reappear, sometimes bliss would come up for a bit, sometimes things got dreamy. In some ways this seemed to be like riding the jhanic arc with the Witness, but I did notice that the physical sensations of the Witness were also part of what was rising and passing.

When the chime went off, I was surprised that the sit was over -- it felt like I could have sat forever.

The evening drive home was a bit more distracted, and I found myself lost in thought occasionally. At home, however, I was watching a TV show, and realized that I could not only see the TV, but also the entire wall behind the TV. Visually, it was very similar to the zoom-out effect in the Limitless movie, as talked about in the "Simulation of Clarity, Brightness, and Lucidity" thread.

Tuesday, 1/31

I slept poorly last night, and woke feeling tired. I had a distracted drive in, not very mindful at all, and it was hard to continue noting for any length of time. I noticed nervousness in AM at work, but this passed. The open awareness that I had over the weekend and yesterday seemed greatly diminished or gone most of the time.

At lunch, I again drove, trying to get back to open awareness, and could not. When I sat, I worked on concentration instead. After some initial deepening of concentration, I had a long period of sleepiness. Suddenly, I woke with a bit of bliss, and was able to stay completely awake. After this point, it felt like I could sit forever. It seemed like I gently cycled, but it wasn't very clear.

In the evening, I was still tired, and had a couple of drinks (Glenmorangie single malt Highland scotch, if you must know). When I went to bed, I wasn't expecting to be able to concentrate because of the alcohol, but in fact, the opposite happened. I was already feeling first jhana sensations, and was able to jump into a harder first jhana than I've had in a long time. From here, I was able to jump through the rupa jhana, up through the arupa, and after I exited 8th, I played with NS a bit. I was able to reproduce a strong sinking feeling and a discontinuity several times, although it did not feel like it was very strong. I'm guessing I'm coming close, but not quite getting it.

At night, I felt hot, and remember waking up a number of time with very strong bliss. All in all I remember tossing and turning a lot, and felt tired in the morning.

Wednesday, 2/1

Noting was stronger on the drive in, compared to the last few days. I took my time with it and noted slowly, trying to make sure to soak in each sensation from each foundation.

At lunch, I started with samatha again, just watching my breath. I then ran quickly through jhanas 1-8, and then tried to play with NS. Neither the jhanas nor NS sensations were very obvious like yesterday. After 15 minutes, I switched to just watching stuff. I got a slow deepening, and eventually gentle subtle washes of bliss would occasionally come up. One big slow bliss wave stood out for me. After the sit, I felt blissed out, almost nauseated in a way.

Noting was hard to sustain on the drive home, but I did get another 40 minutes formal sit done in the evening. Started with 20 minutes of samatha, then just let things happen after that. Got a slow, gradual deepening of whatever state I was in, then what seemed like periodic washes of bliss, dreaminess, some clarity occasionally. All in all, it seems like my concentration is down somewhat. Specifically, noting is hard to keep going, even when noting out-loud.



The wide-open awareness that I had all weekend and part of this week has been gone for a couple of days. Interestingly, the state seems remarkably similar to what Katy Steger describes as (1) in her DHO post on Sensateness vs. Concentration on Vibrations. If you read the thread all the way through, she later refers to it as a PCE.

See www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/2808070

I remember it as a very simple state, where sensations of any kind were very obvious and interesting, thinking was greatly reduced, and the thoughts that did come up didn't stick. I managed to get a bunch of housework done, and didn't find the usual excuses, not-wanting-to, resistance coming up. It just seems obvious what needed to get done.