jgroove's practice journal: sophomore edition

Well, it's been about 1 year since I started the noting and other KFD practices. With 197 entries, the journal was getting pretty unwieldy, so I decided to start a new one.
For anyone interested, here's a link to the first year of the practice journal:

tinyurl.com/3uwexlm

I've been keeping up the noting and 'ships in the harbor' listening practice pretty well for the past couple of weeks. Just did the noting aloud for 60 minutes. For the most part, I was right on top of the objects, once-per-second. Will sit again tonight at weekly group.

"I've been keeping up the noting and 'ships in the harbor' listening practice pretty well for the past couple of weeks. Just did the noting aloud for 60 minutes. For the most part, I was right on top of the objects, once-per-second." -jgroove

Wonderful! Thanks for the report, J.

About 20 people showed up at our Wednesday night sitting group. We sat for 30 minutes, listened to a standard dharma talk and had a nice discussion. The rise in attendance over the last few weeks apparently has resurrected the inner character I call "teacher guy": During my sit just now, I was nearly overwhelmed with a hurricane-like blast of imagining thoughts, planning thoughts, future thoughts related to the group.
I did my best to note and disembed from both these thoughts and the aversion and irritation triggered by them. Sooo many imagined scenarios in such a short period of time--situations in which noting practice was introduced, YouTube videos played, Goenka scanning performed. Often, of course, Jgroove was playing some instrumental role--i.e. laying his trip on others.
Really, really irritating.
Nonetheless, this practice of starting out by noting aloud once-per-second and then, when the concentration seems to have built to a decent degree, doing the 'ships in the harbor' listening practice, does seem to be having an effect.

A few months ago, in one of the KFD conference calls, I believe, somebody pointed out that it had never occurred to him to note things like "spaciousness, silence, openness," etc. The 'ships in the harbor' seems like a great way to point people in that direction who might otherwise have stuck to the grosser end of thing.
Doing this practice this morning, it seemed like I could choose to "listen" to gross sensations (they were somehow encompassed in a larger awareness) or incline the mind in an almost one-pointed way toward the sound that can't be heard.

There were a couple of points during this sit where I had that "on the verge of something big" feeling. At the risk of engaging in over-interpretation, it seems like I want so badly to "get back" my original A&P that as soon as I'm on the verge... [cont.]

[cont. from above]... of some kind of progress, I start inclining the mind toward the future. "What will happen next? Will I get it back?"

If we go psychological rather then phenomenological, it's like I still haven't learned the leeson that it's only this moment--right now--and that you can't ever have that moment back. It will NEVER come back, idiot!
Oh well...

I think we've all experienced this type of thing, and I appreciate your openness. I know my mind tends to do the same thing. When I was doing shamatha, I'd see some little light or something and I'd instantly be thinking "nimitta." Oh boy, here's the nimitta I've been hearing about, jhanas here we go - at which point said speck of light would already be gone. After a few months, it became pretty clear that nothing much was going on with the lights, I became habituated, so now it's just specks of light that comes and go, blah, blah, who cares. Next.

I know for me there's a definite tendency for the mind to shy away from certain things I want to direct it toward. It's like "hurry up and relax" just doesn't work.

Is the noting for the ships in the harbor any slower, or are you still on a 1 per second kind of thing?

""Oh boy, here's the nimitta I've been hearing about, jhanas here we go!""

LOL! I'm familiar with the nimitta thing, too.
Yeah, it's funny overall. No reason to beat oneself up over it, of course.

Yeah, Kenneth was doing once per second. You just default to "listening, listening" when you're pretty well anchored. If other aspects of what's going on happen to predominate, like spaciousness or openness or receptivity, you can note those, but you shy away from noting the grosser sensations, tightness, irritation, etc.
I'm still experimenting with it and might not even have it exactly right. Don't know if you've heard Kenneth's talk called "Choice" but that seems like some great context.
In the meantime, I'll work on not trying to "hurry up and relax"!

Kept up the 60 min. noting aloud/'ships in the harbor' practice last week. Probably sat 60 min. x 2 or 3 on Friday. Minimal practice this weekend. Just did 15 min. candle flame + 60 min. noting aloud/ships.
Still being beseiged by various planning thoughts.

Sat from about 8:30 a.m. to 3:20 or so today, minus about an hour for some work-related e-mailing, etc.
Sat 1 hour periods with 15 minute walking periods. Mostly noted aloud but would stop now and again to notice or note in silence....

Just read this on Ron's new site:

"The reason to meditate that most experienced meditators give is 'to end suffering.' And though it is correct to understand this to mean the suffering of life itself, there is also a deeper meaning: that the reason to meditate is to end the suffering inherent in the path itself. Advanced practitioners want to awaken because they are tired of being on the path, tired of being stuck in the twilight between awake and asleep. If you aren't prepared to work your way through that twilight, don't begin the path, and do not take up a meditation practice."
Right. Tha'ts what it feels like--sick of the inherent dissatisfaction of the 'twilight.'

Just sat for 60 minutes, a mix of listening practice and noting aloud. Trying to pay attention to the note itself as an object, per some discussion on Nadav's practice thread.

I've been sitting probably an average of 60 minutes a day. Keepin' at it...

I admire your dedication, Joel - looks like you've got a good momentum built up.

Joel, you're building on an incredible foundation with this and the amount of information, the positive and the negative, you provide for others on the path is wonderful. You lay this stuff out bare in a really down to earth way which is really cool, and your commitment to getting this thing done stands as an inspiration to all of us.

Thanks, Tommy and Andy. I'm dealing with a fair amount of frustration and self-doubt now and again, so the encouragement really helps.

started out with noting aloud: seeing-neutral (pixels, blackness, brightness), hearing-neutral (ringing in ears, birds chirping outside, cars driving by), listening-neutral (trying to listen to silence i.e. "ships in the harbor"); feeling-pleasant (coolness of air blowing on skin); feeling-neutral (lips touching each other, moisture in mouth, glasses on face, tongue moving and touching roof of mouth, teeth w' spoken notes); looking/investigating-neutral; aching-burning-pressure-unpleasant (contact point with cushion, various pains in legs, back throughout sit), tingling/aching-unpleasant (parts of legs falling asleep w' pins and needs sensations)

various imagining thoughts, remembering, planning thoughts, reporting thoughts, dharma thoughts; wanting; aversion to wanting; gamesmanship (wanting a phenomenon to increase or intensify, but not wanting the wanting, because the wanting reduces the chance that the wanted phenomenon will increase!)

swaying, swaying (body rocking forward and back or in little circular motions) hearing-rushing (whoosing sounds in head), pressure (third eye, center of head, forehead), brightness w' beginnings of faint strobing; last night: equanimous feelings, absorption states, tingling on skin, sense of flying through space or spinning, as though in a teacup ride at Disney World. A sense of pity at all of the striving that goes on all the time and a sense of being at least temporarily a little more free of it.

At certain points today, I wanted to start noting really fast--like "dit" speeded way up to try to break apart the solid sense of pressure in the head, or the sense that the ringing in the ears was just continuous and solid. However, it seemed like scripting or manipulating my experience too much somehow because the phenomena would "break up" at precisely the rate at which I chose to note, if that makes any sense. I would stop this and instead try to [cont.]

[cont.] globally touch as many sensations as I could, as quickly as possible. The rushing sound would start up when I would do this. Seems like a direction to keep exploring, but I'm not sure.

Tomorrow, I'll sit from 9 to 1 at a half-day thing.

1 hr + sit last night, 30-minute sit this morning
seems like energetic phenomena have been a bit more pronounced ever since the 9 to 1 sit last week

recent sits have kind of gone like this:
start out by noting once per second, all the foundations.
fairly quickly, vibratory phenomena become noticeable (in the past couple of sits, vibrations that feel like they're in the interior of the body, around the chest).
Try to tune into the vibrations as much as possible--go right to where they're most obvious. Seems like their frequency--the pulsing quality and its speed and intensity, becomes more apparent--when I tune into them.
If distraction happens, I'll jump back to noting ("imagining thought, planning thought," "dharma thought"), and the vibratory phenomena will intensify again. I'll then go back to tuning into the vibrations and will sometimes just note what's going on. I get the sense that relaxation, somehow inclining the mind toward "faster and wider" without turning it into a strive-fest, is the way to go.

At some point, a wave of what feels like new or different vibrations might come along--faster ones. "Tuning in" to the vibrations seems to be leading to A&P-like phenomena: a sense that the vibrations are "me," the solid sense of the body breaking up, whooshing sounds, absorption-like states (there's always a vague sense that the absorption could be more complete and is not fully satisfying).
Trying to note the dissatisfaction and the "gamesmanship."
Visual pulsing or strobing was more pronounced this morning.
Much gratitude to Kenneth and the KFD community.

did a daylong retreat on Saturday; a fair amount of sitting, but the teacher broke it up with a lot of other stuff, so it was harder to get any kind of momentum going

noted for about an hour this morning

pressure (third eye, top of head)--neutral; seeing (blackness, pixels)--neutral; hearing (TV sounds in other room; whirr of computer tower; ringing in ears)--irritation/unpleasant; hearing (birds outside)-pleasant;

pressure (contact point with chair)--neutral; aching, itching--unpleasant; rocking/pulsing/strobing (pleasant)--interest/wanting increase (unpleasant)

intending to listen--listening; spaciousness--pleasant; seeing, seeing (visual field seems closer, more distinct and detailed, attention seems to be rising up toward the top of the visual field, strobing becomes more pronounced--and then cascade of mind states: wanting increase, hopefulness, anticipation, excitement, etc.
Tried to disembed from these right as they occurred

Dharma thoughts, reporting thoughts, planning thoughts, imagining thoughts
disappointment, irritation, self-doubt, envy, uncertainty, amusement; intending to tune in, tuning in--to granularity of visual field; sensations at tongue

hearing (whooshing, rushing sounds)--wanting/pleasant; aching/burning--unpleasant (contact points at cushion); tingling-pleasant; "this, this"-unpleasant (difficult-to-describe sensations of dissatisfaction and unhappiness around chest/heart area); swaying, swaying;

texture--carpet on feet; armwrests of chair on elbows; tightness--of jeans (neutral); sweating--beads of sweat rolling down back/sides; coolness/claminess--uncertainty (neutral? positive?)

intending to look/investigate--looking/investigating (neutral); hair on head, softness of shirt on body (pleasant); seeing, seeing (increase in brightness, redness of visual field); lips touching lips (neutral); glasses on face (slightly unpleasant);

Wow, that's sounding really good.

Brilliant reporting.....great detail!....sounds like it could be one of my sits!

"Much gratitude to Kenneth and the KFD community."
Agreed. Opportunities like we have here don't come along very often. Perhaps even in many lifetimes.

Keeping at it. Noted for maybe an hour this morning. Practiced last night. Working at being more aware off the cushion...

The edge of my practice now seems to be related to surrender, stopping, giving up--and yet continuing to practice diligently.
Betwave and Nadav captured this perfectly in this thread:

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/46.../Dark+night+question


I've also been working a bit on 'breathing with the whole body.'
Fri., July 9

Worked on 'breathing with the whole body' for maybe 30-40 minutes. Started the sit by noting silently (others were in the house). Energetic phenomena were apparent within a minute or two of sitting down. Kept noting a bit and then shifted attention to tingling at the tip of the tongue; the tongue energy seemed connected to the pressure/energy at the third eye. Easy to see.

I tried to bring the attention to the whole body, watch the breath carefully, moment by moment, breathe through the body. The third-eye pressure was pretty intense and basically unpleasant, insistent to the point of being irritating and almost made it difficult to bring the attention to the body--like the attention was being pulled back in by a strong force over and over. A fair amount of distracting thoughts, which I tried to see as yet another force pulling the attention back in. I kept coming back to the body and turning the attention away from individual sensations/thoughts.

Noticed a lot of facial tension and some tension in the jaw. Tried to work with relaxing this.

The breath got very subtle, almost gone, at one point.

I'd try to remember the quote from the Buddha (breathing in short, he knows he is breathing in short...)--to really know what was happening with the breath; not always successful.

[cont.]

[cont. from above...]

Late in the sit, I remembered the importance of non-interference and realized that I had probably been trying too hard. I relaxed, listened a bit more and probably let go a bit more. Made a difference. I felt like the third-eye pressure shifted up toward the crown and was less irritating. There was a sense of promise.

(One thing I wasn't certain about: if the sense of a solid body becomes less apparent, I guess it's OK to just be breathing through space--i.e. you don't have a sense of the physical body so much? 'Exactly what is the whole body, if body sensations are less apparent?' I wondered.)

Tried to tune into the pleasant tone of this sit; there was a moment of "ahh" and the beginnings of a shift into something more jhanic. The instructions to tune in to pleasant sensations made sense in that moment.


Sat., July 10

Went to some hiking trails by the Chattahoochee River. Started out on the trail with "buddho" walking meditation--bud on the in-breath, dho on the out. The silence of the woods was conducive to practice. Found a log not too far off the trail, sat on it and started noting--seeing, hearing, pressure, the usual stuff.


The eyes were open. A tree was right in front of me. It became incredibly vivid as the mind calmed down. The visual field became grainy and started jumping around.


I started whole-body breathing after these energetic phenomena intensified a bit more. Sudenly I was distracted by the idea that a jogger or hiker would disturb me. Noted it for a bit, but then decided to move further off the trail.
[cont.]

[cont. from above...]

Found another log and practiced whole-body breathing for a good 30 or 40 minutes. 'Ok, so the third-eye pressure is PART of the body you're breathing through. You're not trying to run away from sensations; you're breathing in and out, sensitive to the whole body.' I'd been experiencing the head pressure as an obstacle to relaxing and breathing with the whole body. Also, a lot of background thoughts/feelings related to not doing it right, etc.

Don't know if it was this or maybe a shift to Equanimity, but the unpleasant third-eye pressure eased. Kept at it. A few moments of happiness. Tried to tune in to it. Tried to keep coming back to the body and breath. Totally forgot about non-interference during this part of the sit. 'Is there any happiness here?' Tried to tune into it. Ran out of time. Had to head back...


There was intense, subtle stuff. Kind of hard to report on.

Sun., July 11

15 minutes metta

45 minutes noting aloud

Some of the stuff Betawave said made sense during this sit--the ill will. Yes. Very helpful.


Later.. 45 minutes walking meditation in the neighborhood. 90 percent of the thoughts were about practice. Noted 'dharma thought' about 1.1 million times. My concentration usually lags during walking meditation but it was unusually strong during the first part of this walk, at least.

Sounding really great Joel. In regard to the body becoming less apparent, go with it.

Also, regarding pleasure, rapture, joy, etc. be sensitive to all that stuff too.

Don't make a problem out of third eye pressure, and allow the change in strata to take care of it.

Go with your gut.