jgroove's practice journal: sophomore edition

45 minute sit this morning.
Started by bringing '˜observing power' to the rise and fall of the abdomen, with the intent to put more attention on the actual sensations than the notes: '˜rising, rising, pause, pause, falling, falling.' Noted controlling of the breath and wanting not to control it (unpleasant), as well as uncertainty as to how not to control it. Softness, warmth, touching of shirt on abdomen, the feeling of expansion and contraction of muscles and adipose tissue around the belly. Noticed aching or pain at the center of the abdomen'”a surprising amount of heretofore-unrecognized pain with each expansion and contraction.

Various sources of distraction: imagining, planning, '˜reporting thoughts,' hearing (second hand of wall clock)/neutral, sweat-on-skin/coolness/neutral, aching in neck and shoulders/unpleasant, pressure/aching (contact points with chair)/unpleasant. A lot of reporting thoughts and thoughts about this or that KFD thread. Normally, my most common notes seem to be '˜seeing, seeing, blackness, pixels, third-eye pressure, aching, unpleasant,' with the center of attention very prominently in the head. Kept trying to return to the abdomen. Gradually, the pain at the center of the abdomen developed a kind of sweet quality and started to seem more like a chakra or energy center; from here, it was natural to feel into the chest, at which point I remembered Jayson's instruction to feel into the emotional quality of what was going on, the nyana quality. In doing this, it was natural to tune into the hands, tongue-teeth and heart center at the same time, to feel into the subtle field connecting them all. [cont.]

[cont. from above]
Vibrations became apparent in the chest, along with body-rocking. Tried to tune into what was going on. There was a certain sweetness or relief to the emotional quality, but mostly it was '˜spaciousness, calm.' Noted various unpleasant sensations associated with '˜wanting increase''”the usual impulse to look for the next moment rather than to stay present with this one. These were experienced as literally flashes of unpleasant sensations in the body, as feelings rather than thoughts in the head.

A lot of pain in the neck and shoulders. Occasionally, I'd notice that my head had tilted back pretty far, in a way that was causing pain, and I'd have to adjust, noting '˜aching, aching, unpleasant, wanting to adjust, adjusting,' etc.

'˜Looking, investigating, '˜wondering' (about what mind states, if any, were present). Recognized a fair amount of interference going on'”directing the attention to the abdomen, trying to tune in to the emotional quality, a fair amount of doing. Tried to drop the intention to direct the attention, as Shinzen would say, and to stop interfering. This just seemed like more interference, though.

Sat three 60-minute periods today, with one more period that got interrupted a couple of times--maybe 30 minutes of sitting total for that one.
I seemed to be very aware of intentions and anything related to this Joel guy trying to push or pull the meditation one way or another. So, for example, the trying part of just letting go and allowing would be seen pretty clearly as manipulation. But I've been seeing the sensations that make up these intentions a bit more clearly and really feeling the complex of stuff or the process involved, which provides a sense of having taken a step back. Maybe a better way to say it is that it's being taken as object more automatically? Very equanimous sits, for the most part, although there was a tough period of time toward the end with some hindrances coming up--drowsiness, wanting to get up, etc.

Went over to a college buddy's house on Saturday afternoon so that our kids could play together. It was a nice time. Unfortunately, however, my friend is quite the beer connoisseur, with various growlers full of high-octane stuff from Belgium and so forth. I ended up imbibing three or four glasses of this stuff.

Woke up at about 4:15 a.m. feeling pretty bad but decided to get up and practice. Drank some coffee and sat from 5ish to around 7:15. My intent was to just relax and allow, as much as possible. Very equanimous sits without too much drifting off, which was kind of surprising under the circumstances.

"Went over to a college buddy's house on Saturday afternoon so that our kids could play together. It was a nice time. Unfortunately, however, my friend is quite the beer connoisseur, with various growlers full of high-octane stuff from Belgium and so forth. I ended up imbibing three or four glasses of this stuff.

Woke up at about 4:15 a.m. feeling pretty bad but decided to get up and practice. Drank some coffee and sat from 5ish to around 7:15. My intent was to just relax and allow, as much as possible. Very equanimous sits without too much drifting off, which was kind of surprising under the circumstances."

Wow, I'm impressed! Three or four glasses? And you got up and meditated? Terrific!

"I seemed to be very aware of intentions and anything related to this Joel guy trying to push or pull the meditation one way or another. So, for example, the trying part of just letting go and allowing would be seen pretty clearly as manipulation."-jgroove

Wow, this is terrific practice, Joel. Sounds like equanimity ñana. More and more, this subtle identification of tension is the game. By tension, I mean something extra that is being added to the situation. You can always feel the unpleasant body tension of adding something extra. Whenever you feel it clearly, it automatically releases, just like the Buddha's hot coal simile; you will always drop a hot coal immediately when you see that you are clutching it. It's only when we don't see the coal clearly that we continue to hold it.

Any attempt by Joel to manipulate the situation can be seen as a hot coal. You are really seeing this clearly now. Nice work. 'Bout time for you to get stream entry, no?

-Kenneth

Thanks, Kenneth! I'll keep at it--and I'll try to stay away from the high-octane brews!

That stuff sounds very familiar to me. Not sure I can put it any better. My current spin is that I'm looking to let the water flow down the straightest, simplest path. Trying (oops) to let it be it and step out of the way instead of adding to the complications. And grokking the totality. Also hilarious to me what Kenneth said about SE, because if you were to go ahead (no pressure), then I would feel like I would know for sure I simply need to put in more time on the cushion! Ha.

Ah, who knows when or if it will happen? One very diligent KFD yogi with a really strong practice has sat something like nine Goenka retreats this year and is working through the vast territory of Equanimity on the way to SE. Everything in its own time. One thing I can say--the leading edge of my practice might have shifted from low to high equanimity. This morning when the bell went off after an hour, I was surprised the time had gone by so quickly. Seems like I could sit forever right now, whereas in the past I might be noting 'timer curiosity, wanting to quit' with 15 minutes left. At times the mind has seemed more powerful and able to see lots of sensations quickly. It's not as dramatic as I'd imagined when reading others' accounts of this, but maybe I'm just starting to get into the beginning stages of high E. Trouble is, I'm busier than ever with work and family stuff. It's either "learn how to pay attention off the cushion" or "fall back yet again" for me, I'm afraid.

High equanimity has an element of normalcy / boredom ("Boredom, forgetfulness, balance, Deep Wisdom seems very natural and ordinary. Attachment to mastery vanishes, effort to attain or do vanishes, it all happens by itself")

The stages of equanimity as indicated in Daniel's handout ( www.interactivebuddha.com/Nanas%20and%20jhanas%20tablep1.pdf ) might be interesting for you to look at again.

"the trying part of just letting go and allowing would be seen pretty clearly as manipulation."

This is something I've been playing with recently. Noting "trying" and "manipulate" and "desire to do/achieve/etc". It often comes with aversion and - as you say - gets all muddling with release and letting go: TRYING to release, etc.

From the sounds of it, you're having great success - I must get back on the case with it!

"High equanimity has an element of normalcy / boredom ("Boredom, forgetfulness, balance, Deep Wisdom seems very natural and ordinary. Attachment to mastery vanishes, effort to attain or do vanishes, it all happens by itself")

The stages of equanimity as indicated in Daniel's handout ( www.interactivebuddha.com/Nanas%20and%20jhanas%20tablep1.pdf ) might be interesting for you to look at again."

Thanks very much, Jayson. I'll check it out!

Daniel lists the flaw of early mastery, characterized by easy sits, as "anticipation, overconfidence."
Ha! Sounds about right.

I practiced with groups on Wednesday and Thursday nights of this week, sat two or three hours on Friday and sat again this morning for about an hour or so.

This morning, the sit was much spacier--loooong periods thinking about stuff. The sit was not as focused, high-energy and easy.
I seem to have transitioned from "anticipation, overconfidence" to disappointment, boredom and overall "what's the point" kind of stuff.
The shift happened so fast that I can't help but be amused by it.

Still, this morning I was looking into sensations in what seemed like a new way--going right to some of the sensations that make up the felt sense of "me," like in the torso rather than up in the head. I should have been noting aloud this morning. Very drifty. Sitting from 10 to 2 tomorrow for a group-organized half-day thing.

Nice. Have a good mini-retreat. About an hour of practice while driving each way too, right?

"Nice. Have a good mini-retreat. About an hour of practice while driving each way too, right? "

OK, now I have to remember to do it. When stopped at red lights, I'll turn the "0" on the license plate ahead of me into a kasina...

For the past couple of days I've been putting a 20-minute interval bell on my iPad timer and sitting for an hour. First 20 minutes will be samatha at the abdomen; second will be noting out loud; third will be bare attention with out-loud or silent noting whenever any kind of drifting off occurs.

In one of the early Buddhist Geeks magazine interviews, Kenneth said:

"...objectifying it is the whole program ... all of the changing phenomena of mind and body, which is first, then the transpersonal watcher, which is second, then the more subtle level of the knowing, which is the transcendent'”when all of that is objectified, there is awareness. There is still awareness, but it cannot be objectified. It cannot be taken as object because it is irreducible. That which cannot be further reduced is just awareness."

The sits continue to be spacious, energetic and equanimous/easy. When the bell rang after an hour today, for example, a lot of vibratory, audible (rushing, roaring sounds) and visual (strobing, brightness) phenomena were going on. It was natural to just keep sitting--no sense of "whew! Now I can get up."

Still working on the "basic program" of taking as object all the pushing and pulling, wanting and not wanting to be wanting, etc. Lots of disappointment, self-doubt and so forth over the past couple of days. There has been so much momentum in practice, and I've been putting in so much effort, that it was difficult not to expect SE at the half-day retreat on Sunday. I know what to do with all of this, of course--it's fodder for practice; take it as object. But I guess the trick is to do so through bare attention, non-interference.

""The sits continue to be spacious, energetic and equanimous/easy. When the bell rang after an hour today, for example, a lot of vibratory, audible (rushing, roaring sounds) and visual (strobing, brightness) phenomena were going on. It was natural to just keep sitting--no sense of "whew! Now I can get up.""

Ok - that strobing - focus on it! Pay particular attention to the endings of each flash.

www.youtube.com/user/expandcontract#p/u/33/L-7LXHjGHfM

"Ok - that strobing - focus on it! Pay particular attention to the endings of each flash.

www.youtube.com/user/expandcontract#p/u/33/L-7LXHjGHfM "

Will do. Thanks, Mu!

I've been sitting a lot lately--several hours on Friday and proably two hours each on Saturday and Sunday. Sat for 60 minutes just now.
No time for a detailed report this morning. A lot of sadness in the chest, roaring sounds, the eyes kind of pointing straight ahead on their own; sometimes tuning into the very rapid vibration/roaring, but simultaneously taking as object the reactivity around this (some kind of guilt at the interference/doing, as well as the usual hopefulness, etc.).

Yesterday, the sit was very calm and untroubled, in part because striving in any way seemed really painful and I just didn't feel like bothering with it. Lately there have been a lot of jhanic-type states--the sense of flying through space, or of seeing all of the sensations of "me" as a kind of hole in the center of the doughnut, or of losing the body solidity and drifting out into the space around it, windows rolled up, etc. I seem to be taking more of the centerpoint stuff, not just in the head but in the body, as object and looking into some of the "stuff that I've been missing." Probably a lot more to go on that score!
Over and out...

When it comes to my participation in a brick-and-mortar sangha, so to speak, I have a lot of "what's the point?" moments. The more involved I get in this thing, though, the more I am forced to see my own neurosis, ill will, power-tripping, anger, and more.

I just cleaned out my "drafts" e-mail folder and it was literally brimming with angry, unsent e-mails in which I was railing against people and accusing them of unkind and unskillful behavior. Yesterday, I actually sent one of those e-mails, and the feedback from more objective sources has been instructive, you could say. The comments included "When we're talking in our meetings, I sometimes can't believe how hard you are on yourself." Yes, and other people, too.

Being part of a sangha is in many ways a torture fest for me. But obviously, seeing that your indignation is nothing more than a projection of your own ill will and neurosis--I mean, that is straight up progress. I'm not sure that noting practice alone would have enabled me to see some of this stuff for what it is. Back during one of the conference calls, Beth was talking about obstacles she faced on the way to stream entry. "There was some stuff about myself I didn't want to see," she said.

I'm guessing that this is part of the reason I've had so much difficulty in getting past the dark night--I'm way more screwed up than I want to admit.
Oh well, that figures. Just gotta soldier on...

"...a projection of your own ill will and neurosis--I mean, that is straight up progress..."

Awesome. No joke, that's a huge insight.

My own (little) insight into ill will (maybe a year ago, also in late dark night) was shocking to me-- how insideous it was and how it had tainted so much of my life! Seeing one's own ill will as a baseline defense/projection allows so much of the drama of life to be dropped like a hot coal. Some of the dropping is automatic, some still requires intention... but it's made a big difference in my life.

"Awesome. No joke, that's a huge insight.

My own (little) insight into ill will (maybe a year ago, also in late dark night) was shocking to me-- how insideous it was and how it had tainted so much of my life! Seeing one's own ill will as a baseline defense/projection allows so much of the drama of life to be dropped like a hot coal. Some of the dropping is automatic, some still requires intention... but it's made a big difference in my life.
"

Yes, Betawave. And this quote from you (below) has to be one of the most helpful things I've heard on KFD. It's just that I have a lot more work to do on this than I thought, I'm guessing...

"Sooner or later (hopefully sooner) the yogi sees that they aren't really a DN yogi, they are a future stream enter with a few bad habits. The habits are dealt with by simply recognizing the worthiness and richness of oneself (metta for oneself) and simply recognizing that all these struggles can be seen as different nuances of a general "ill will" one has for their existance -- a bad habit of ill will. Balancing out the metta for oneself and being gently aware of this ill will... neither indulging in either, nor being lazy in either... one hits EQ."

Thanks - applies to me as well. Sometimes I only notice it if I try to do a LK towards myself, suddenly resistance arises!

Joel, all the best to you as you navigate these waters. I have seen my own bad stuff come up over and over again; it's gotten so I'm used to it. You sound as if your practice is strong and you are gaining the insights you need.

"Joel, all the best to you as you navigate these waters. I have seen my own bad stuff come up over and over again; it's gotten so I'm used to it. You sound as if your practice is strong and you are gaining the insights you need. "

Thanks, Laurel!