jgroove's practice journal: sophomore edition

Got it. Thanks, Mu!

July 13
Rose at 5:30 to do noting practice. Probably two-plus hours.
I seem to be doing better with continuity. I'm paying more attention off the cushion, doing more noting throughout the day. It's clearer to me now what's been going on, or at least I have a theory that makes sense to me: I spent several months kind of suffering through practice (see first installment of this journal) but then got to the point where I could get to low equanimity fairly easily. The meditation seemed to be cooking along just fine; I felt basically OK, and so I became complacent about paying attention off the cushion. In fact, I tended to congratulate myself and feel somewhat heroic about doing 60 minutes of noting aloud each morning, especially when the practice was difficult. I've been aware all along, though, of my tendency to stop rubbing the sticks together and to be content with a few tendrils of smoke rather than an actual fire. I can recall being so impressed with some of the other yogis' ability to 'treat every day like a retreat.' Really doing it in this way seemed impossible to me. I've done a number of half-day retreats and so forth and have generally been motivated'”'˜dharma thought,' '˜practice thought,' etc., are among my most frequently used labels as insight disease seems to underlie so many of my waking thoughts. Now, though, I'm seeing more clearly that hanging out in low equanimity just won't do. What helped me understand this was the transparency here at KFD'”seeing one yogi after another make progress'”and Kenneth's and others' explicit descriptions of what happens in equanimity. By starting and stopping, you can rub sticks together for 30 years and never start a fire. I've been sitting, cumulatively, for about 10 years, I guess. But I quit for a long stretch of time, so it's like I've been starting and stopping at both the macro and micro levels all along. Not beating myself up here, just making an observation that could possibly be helpful to others.

Agreed - I've been trying to do as much as I can off-cushion and what I have noticed is that at first it felt difficult and strained, now it seems to take less and less effort to get the ball rolling, although I have to remember to do it!

Hi Joel,

Yes! Momentum is everything. Momentum is everything. Keep rubbing those sticks and reflect upon how valuable it is to keep them warm when the alternative is to have to heat them up again each time they go cold! I truly believe that stream entry is within everyone's reach; and once stream entry is in the rear view mirror, the sky's the limit.

By taking a moment to note each time you remember to do so throughout the day, you keep it warm. And the next time you sit, it's that much easier to get into the flow of noting. Which in turn makes it easier to remember to note during the day, at first occasionally, then more often. It's a big positive feedback loop that never stops growing. Keep the snowball rolling and it will grow.

Keep on keepin' on,

Kenneth

Will do. Thanks, Kenneth!

Jgroove,

Even when you can't note you might want to at least try to really catch when you seem to be off in lala land rather than being present with what's going on. If you can get your sati (mindfulness) muscles working for ya, things might get a bit easier.

dharma.ncf.ca/introduction/instructions/sati.html

Thanks for the link, Jayson.
'Mindfulness (Sati) is at one and the same time both bare attention itself and the function of reminding us to pay bare attention if we have ceased to do so. Bare attention is noticing. It re-establishes itself simply by noticing that it has not been present. As soon as you are noticing that you have not been noticing, then by definition you are noticing and then again you are back to paying bare attention.' -- Bhante G.

Here is an inspirational link (for me) re: momentum... Nick got access to jhanas noting his butt off!

thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/...box-fast-noting.html

"Here is an inspirational link (for me) re: momentum... Nick got access to jhanas noting his butt off!

thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/...box-fast-noting.html

"

Thanks. Yeah--another clear illustration of the value of continuity, for sure.

Still working on continuity. I've been trying to remember to stop and pay attention or note as frequently as possible during the day.
For two or three days, I succeeded at this to a greater degree than I've been able to in the past and felt tremendous. It was sort of like "oh yeah, there actually is a reward for actually trying to do this." It feels like over the past couple of days the effort has collapsed. There's some personal drama happening that is feeding obsessive thoughts: George Castanza, 'perfect comeback' kind of stuff. Real hard to disembed from because the obsessive thoughts are so strong. Also, the situation itself is something I care about a lot and the outcome matters to me.

I also find certain work and family situations to be pretty challenging. Continuity drops for long stretches of time as I try to write a byline piece for an attorney, say, or run around with the kids.

Still, I'm waking up each day and resolving to try to note or pay attention continuously. At least it's on my radar screen now, whereas before it really wasn't, even though I'd occasionally talk about continuity a bit on the forum when the subject came up.
Well, I'll keep at it!

I realize you have some personal stuff going on, but have you considered that some of the negativity is a result of good, continuous practice (i.e. you've progress to unpleasant strata)?

The thought has crossed my mind, but I'm not sure whether I noted it when it did!
A few days ago, all I had to do was tune in for a split second and I'd feel vibrations and other subtle phenomena. That stuff has cooled off considerably. The cooling off did coincide with several things that ended up hooking me and turning into storylines, as well as a flurry of family and work activity. In any case, I know what to do--keep paying attention.
Thanks, Mu!

Insomnia. Got up at 4 a.m., drank a cup of coffee and did silent and out-loud noting until 5:15 or so.
Drank another cup and then did whole-body breathing w' counting. Probably did seven counts of ten before losing track and getting embedded; started noting again for maybe an hour.

strong, persistent itching around shoulders and other places; vivid flash of an extremely disgusting and nasty surgery of some kind, involving what looked like some kind of mutant fetus out of a David Lynch movie (let me guess, disgust nyana?).

rocking/swaying; various kind of quivering and pulsing sensations, including pulsing of the eyeball; vibrations; brightness of visual field with a sense of attention rising up and shifting to visual field; 'it's just going to fade; just watch and allow without interfering'

noticing tension in face and body; intending to relax tension, relaxing; lips touching, dryness--neutral; tongue touching teeth; seeing, hearing, tasting, coolness on skin, aching/burning at contact point with cushion--unpleasant; spaciousness/silence; brightness; darkness; greenish pixels;

vague hypnogogic states: the sense of being in a different place or room, or that an extremely vivid image was about to come into view; natural scenes, people, strange situations;

pressure, aching--foot touching carpet; aching of shoulders-unpleasant; noticed wanting and aversion, looking/investigating, remembing thoughts, imagining thoughts, dharma thoughts, planning thoughts, irritation, wanting to get up, impatience, KFD reporting thoughts, shirt on body, warmth--pleasant; tightness of jeans, neutral; hands on jeans, jeans on hands; tingling, sense of whole arm falling asleep; 'uncertainty'--is the sensation pleasant or neutral?

tried to tune in to third-eye pressure and other subtle sensations without clamping down; did this a bit during the whole-body breathing

over and out!

Did a four-hour round-trip drive to North Georgia yesterday. Noted a bit and listened to a dharma talk on the way up, but felt like that was lame.
On the way back, I resolved to note aloud for the entirety of the trip home, not stopping until I was at the house.
This was difficult and certainly it wasn't the most precise noting session, but I stuck to the practice for the whole trip.

In the ultimate Buddhist cliche, someone cut me off on the highway. The person veered from one side of the interstate to the other to get to an exit that he was just about to miss. He swerved in front of me, though, right at the instant that I had looked down to turn my AC down, so when I looked up I was about two feet from the bumper of a vehicle that had come out of nowhere in a flash.

Hello, amygdala! I was able to note my way out of the aftermath, which included me screaming f&ck you! and flipping the guy the bird.
Guess I have a long way to go!

Not satisfied with the continuity efforts that followed but I did sit for an hour or two in the evening. I got really, really sleep at one point after being absorbed with intense Ibrightness in the visual field. Felt like I might have pushed it and stayed with it longer to give 'the wheel' a chance to turn, but went to bed.
In bed, though, I continued noting for as long as I could. At one point the mind was noting by itself. Not sure if this is good, though, because it had an autopilot kind of quality.

Jgroove, I hope you're noting "determination" as a mind state. Your practice is inspiring, thanks for sharing.

I frequently describe driving in city traffic as my spiritual practice and am only half-kidding. I guess Thich Nhat Hanh would have us be grateful to the guy who cut you off for providing an opportunity to work with anger and all the associated sensations.

Indeed! Too bad I wasn't dialed in enough to note the bird-flipping process itself:

'retracting digits, retracting, retracting'
'extending middle finger, extending, extending'

(I didn't see THAT in any of the Mahasi texts...)

LOL

Noted for 60 minutes, mostly out loud, then listened to Kenneth's talk on spiritual materialism and noted for another 60 minutes.
Came back again and again to the reminder that all you have to do is be present, without trying to manipulate experience.
During the talk, Kenneth says something to the effect of "all of the states and stages we talk about are as nothing compared to being present."
I don't understand the maps very well and am not very precise about my experience, but simply being present as objects arise, are known and then pass away is something I can do. The contrast between these two sits was great: the first one was a patented gut-it-out session with nodding off, resistance and struggle. The second was quiet, spacious and relaxed. Ended the second sit in a very calm absorption state that seemed cooler and more chilled out than what I've experienced in the recent past. I have no idea whether this was access concentration, 2nd jhana or one of the other jhanas. Doesn't really matter.

My efforts to maintain continuity off the cushion during the day are mixed to say the least. A lot of autopilot happening still, but I'm doing my best to stop, go sit in a chair and breathe, that kind of thing. Downloaded an iPad timer that allows you to run interval bells. Once the kids are back in school in a couple of weeks I'll put this on my desk and use it as a reminder system while I'm working. Still need to make that extra effort required to note or otherwise stay present in the midst of activity.

Joel, autopilot is good, compared to a lot of the nonsense that goes on in my own brain all day long . . . not very inspirational, I'm afraid. As one of my retreat instructors said, the fact is, you're always practicing something. I practice avoidance, time-wasting, fantasizing, and God-knows what else! But I'm trying to note that fact.

"I practice avoidance, time-wasting, fantasizing, and God-knows what else! But I'm trying to note that fact."

You aren't the only one, Laurel! Staying present in the midst of activity seems to be the tough one for me. If I'm cleaning or washing dishes or driving around, I seem prone to spacing out.

noted this morning from 5:30 to 7:30
another hour in the afternoon
keeping at it...

Read this quote from Sayadaw U Pandita yesterday:

'Mindfulness' must be dynamic and confrontive. In retreats, I teach that mindfulness should leap forward onto the object, covering it completely, penetrating into it, not missing any part of it. To convey this active sense, I often prefer to use the words 'observing power' to translate sati, rather than 'mindfulness.'

This quote came to mind this morning during the sit. 'What does it mean, to leap toward the object?'
If you imagine a see-saw, with 'note' on one side and 'the actual sensation' on the other, I think my see-saw has been unbalanced--with more attention being paid to the verbal note than to the actual sensation. This morning I tried to go right to the sensations and observe them directly. Notes, when used, were faint and in the background, just something to keep the mind from getting hooked.

I seemed to discover a whole realm of subtle sensations in the chest, directly behind the sternum--started with sadness, tension, anxiety-type of sensations; this cleared after a time and the sensations in the chest, when tuned into, led to feelings of sweetness and softness, with a tinge of sadness, and at times seemed to open out into spaciousness or a unification with other sensations. Seemed like the sit 'took place' almost entirely in the chest, rather than up in the head at the third eye, with all of the sensations of irritation and pressure. [cont]

[cont from above]
...it was difficult to note these sensations in the chest; instead, I tried to meet them directly without any intermediating thought or concept, although at times a note or two was necessary to short-circult the beginnings of drifting off--'sadness,' 'tenderness,' etc.

Still noted other stuff at times--aching/unpleasant, hearing/amusement, pressure/aching/unpleasant. Paid attention to and tried to meet tension at the abdomen with the rise and fall, the softness and coolness of 'touching' and clothing, coolness on skin, itching/unpleasant, etc.
As a wave of anxiety/wanting to quit developed, tried to go directly to those sensations and meet them, with just a bit of noting 'wanting' 'wanting'

Used 'how does this feel in the body?' and 'what is happening right now?'

Fantastic, Joel. Going deeper.

One thing I've noticed about my thread--I tend to come up with a current storyline that then fades very quickly, only to be replaced by another one. So it's like "now I'm doing this, and now I'm doing that. This is the cutting edge of my practice, and now that is."

So this might just be another one of those soon-to-fade storylines. But what I've been working with is starting the sit by bringing as much observing power as possible to the rise and fall of the abdomen. This seems to relocate the locus of the practice from my head--in particular the third eye region and all of the pressure and irritation so often associated with that--into the body.
By bringing more observing power to the sensations of the rise and fall, with faint noting at times to keep the mind present, it seems like there's a natural transition from the sensations at the abdomen to those in the chest. Eventually, these sensations feel connected to stuff going on higher up, but in a way that isn't centered on the head and third eye alone. In fact, the teeth and lips and tip of the tongue, as well as the hands, seemed all to be part of this field of sensations, at least in the sit this morning.

If I'm in the dukkha nyanas--I rarely know for sure where I'm at on the maps--it should be easier to work with the sadness, irritation, etc., in the chest by taking this body-focused approach. I'm pretty sure that I'm one of these "cut off at the neck" types who can benefit from being more embodied, as the saying goes.

Right now I'm very interested in understanding how effort and observing power play in to the practice. Seems like you can apply more energy and observing power without "scrunching up at the eyebrows," being tense, etc. Trying to figure out the not-too-tight, not-too-loose approach to it.