Laurel's practice

Hang in there!
I've found over the last few months that doing slow, deliberate triples during the day when having this kind of stuff come up seems to work well -
'contraction/unpleasant/despair'

I found myself smiling after awhile of naming those things, something about the objectification process...

Thanks, Rob; I do so appreciate the help. Interestingly enough, I've been kind of doing that. I've also been pining for the self I was last month, or last week, or yesterday. I'm working on finances, and as I enter an expense I incurred last month I remember doing whatever it was, and think back, and feel nostalgia.

I'm also feeling an ache in the throat, like grief. I took my son to see a local production of "Godspell" yesterday, which I don't particularly like, and cried through the whole thing (it was rather humiliating). I want Jesus or someone to come down from heaven and deliver me and the world from all this. But what attracts me to Buddhism is the fact that it's up to us to do this work for ourselves; we help each other, but we have to do it--and we have to make the decision to surrender.

I know my nostalgia is clinging. I've found myself feeling nostalgic for eff-ing grad school--a person has to be delusional to do that!! . Anyway, this morning's sit was a little more active than yesterday's, only a little torpor. Still some restlessness. Mostly I had the sound in my ears screaming like mad, and my heart thumping sounding like an enormous hammer reverberating through my eardrums. It was very quiet in the room, but noisy in my mind/body. Some thought-streams, not a lot of emotion. Much energy in observing myself needing to cough, watching it build up, then having to do it, then noticing the increase in my heart rate. No itches or aches and pains to speak of. I will continue to sit through this, and also do some metta practice when I think of it.

I connected with a person on this forum who lives nearby--she called me last night!--and found out that our sons know each other, and she has been to my house to deliver her son to my son's birthday party. Talk about synchronicity! My worlds are beginning to come together. Life is so strange.

"Hang in there!
I've found over the last few months that doing slow, deliberate triples during the day when having this kind of stuff come up seems to work well -
'contraction/unpleasant/despair'

I found myself smiling after awhile of naming those things, something about the objectification process..."

Thank you--I'll try that.

Two more 30-minute sits today. I know I should be meditating for longer periods, but I can barely manage the 30 minutes. Around noontime: can't even remember, but it didn't knock my socks off. Probably some topor, but felt relaxed when it was over. Late afternoon: I was at the local Buddhist center, no air conditioning, very hot and uncomfortable, lots of street noise. There's repainting and construction going on, so it wasn't the pleasantest environment. Noted all of it, some stiffness in my back that turned to pain, the first real itches I've had in awhile (I've missed them so much--ha!), and then dreaminess again. Felt blah afterward. I'm fighting a summer cold, with hacking cough, which isn't improving my mood any. Managed not to cough during the sitting. My noting seems to be getting a bit more on track now, though.

"When the yogi attains to the crest of the wave in the fourth ñana, she believes that she has arrived at her destination. From here on in, she reasons, life should be a breeze. Even if she has been warned, she does not believe the warnings. She is completely unprepared for what is to come and is blindsided by the fury of the tenth ñana, which consists of the four previous ñanas of fear, misery, disgust, and desire for deliverance repeating themselves in a seemingly endless loop, and worse with each iteration. In addition, the strong concentration of the fourth ñana seems to have disappeared; there is no respite from the unpleasantness and negative mind states that flood the body and mind."

"Actually, the yogi is even more concentrated than before, but she is accessing unstable strata of mind that are not conducive to restful mind states or happy thoughts. The yogi obsesses about her progress, is sure that she is back-sliding, and devises all manner of strategies to "get back" what she has lost. The meditation teacher does his best to reassure the yogi that she is still on track, but to no avail. The best approach at this point is to come clean with the yogi, lay the map on the table, and say 'You are here. I know it isn't easy, but it does not last forever. If you continue to practice, you will see through these unpleasant phenomena, just as you have seen through every phenomenon that has presented itself so far. You are here because you are a successful yogi, not because you are a failure. Let the momentum of your practice carry you as you continue to sit and walk and apply the vipassana technique.'"

kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+...sight+%28Part+Two%29

Hang in there, Laurel. You are doing fine. Classic dukkha ñanas. This is the "rolling up the mat" stage. It won't last. Keep paying attention to your experience.

Kenneth

Yes, that expression occurred to me, and I know what it means now! Meditated for about 30 minutes today, didn't make it to the end either. At first I got into a nice blissful jhana (no idea which one), but it wasn't stable, and pretty soon monkey mind took over, which hasn't bothered me much for quite some time. At least I was awake. There was a lot of noise outside, which might have added to the problem, but I don't think that was it.

I know I should try harder to stick with it. I will do that. Tomorrow.

I've been meditating, but not remembering to write about it! Talk about spaced out. I honestly don't even know what I did yesterday--I guess I tried something before dinner, but it's as if the day slipped into a black hole. This morning's sit I experienced very loud ringing in the ears that lasted through more than half of the 30 minutes. I've picked up some kind of virus and have been coughing a lot, so I was interrupted by coughing spells a couple of times, but it didn't do much to derail me, I just noted it and went on. There was a throbbing in my knee, and a feeling of constriction in my stomach. Anxiety, maybe? Not able to identify clearly defined emotions these days. There were a few itches, nothing major, some torpor and restlessness toward the end. The most notable feature of the session was a tingling, vibration in my left arm, whcih came and went. I managed to stay in focus for the whole time, but again it seemed extremely long to me.

Yesterday, 30 mins. samatha practice, took forever to calm the mind, but about 7 minutes before the timer went off finally settled--nice. I stayed put for about 10 minutes afterward, so I guess it was 40 mins.

I'm about to leave on a cub scout camping trip with my son. It should be interesting to see what happens to my focus! I'll try to do what I can.

Well, the answer to the question of what would happen to my focus is, not much. I was out in nature, away from all media, in a tent, on a lovely lake. I was also with about 75 men, 5 other women, and 80 ten-year-old boys, plus a staff of about 15 young adults, almost all male. It's interesting to compare this experience to my meditation retreat: both took me outside of my comfort zone, into a strange place with different people, remote from my ordinary experience. Both had structured daily schedules. But of course, there the resemblance ends. Instead of sitting in silence, I was listening to 18 to 25 year olds bellow outrageously at the delighted campers, including hilarious songs and skits, potty humor (tons of that) and three-Stooges type gags. Somewhere in there the kids got archery, b.b. gun, scoutcraft, and nature lessons, swimming, and then meals full of sugar, sugar, and more sugar. I managed to sneak away and meditate for about 15 minutes two days ago, which felt good, but I always had people around otherwise.

This morning: 40 minutes, focused on the breath, but had trouble settling, as usual. My practice has been stalled at nowhere ever since I got back from the retreat and I can't seem to move it out of limbo. I'm in a low-level state of depression, but nothing major.

It's great that you're keeping practice going whenever you can get it, even though you're working through DN, and it's this determination and commitment which gets the momentum going. Something I found useful during Dark Night is remembering that you can't do "it", "it" does you, you just note, note, note, note, and observe how these sensations all fade out as soon as you place the attention on them, this part is like a perceptual clearout, followed by a rebuild in Re-Observation. Note that frustration when you're practice seems stale, note that you can't seem to move, turn the lens towards what can't seem to move, include everything and equanimity will appear soon enough.

All the fear, the nausea, the disgust and the desire for it all to end are death throes, the death of the illusion that there's a seperate and permanent self, as it realizes that it's got nowhere left to stand. You're systematically dismantling the entire thing, with every sensation you note, everything you see as not self, impermanent and unsatisfactory, takes out another foothold on the scaffold which the self has constructed. You're doing great and doing what you need to be doing, stick with precise noting and don't let anything stand in your way.

Thanks so much, Tommy! I wish I had the discipline to do more noting during the day, although I do manage some. But I'm back to noting practice in meditation, and something seems to have shifted.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, not a good sign. I was exhausted, but dragged myself off to my yoga mat and stretched out my aching muscles. Then I did 40 minutes of practice.

Began by counting breaths 3 x 10, keeping awareness at the nostrils. On the third time through I felt my mind finally settle. Then I began silent noting, and kept it up for almost all of the remainder of the practice. I had loud ear ringing, some stiffness in the back, a train whistle. I mostly noted bodily sensations, only a few thoughts. There was one itch, that's all. I was calm and alert. Then at a certain point my body seemed to feel energized; there was a sense of density there, not a floaty feeling, but there was also an extremely fine vibration. I was deeply calm. There were some hindrances: a bit of torpor, then some restlessness as time went on. Nothing major. There was also almost no pain.

What's interesting is that as soon as the timer went off and I stood up to go upstairs, I was slammed with headache pain and soreness in my throat and everywhere else; it was if it was waiting for me to finish the meditation. I've felt under the weather all day, but I seriously think it's a virus, b/c that's how it's behaving. Interesting!

One more thing: I've been reading Adyashanti "Falling into Grace" and I'm finally beginning to get a sense of what's going on with the illusion of the separate self, although I realize most of it is intellectual rather than experiential. I'm also enjoying the threads on here that address post 4th-path stuff, even though I don't understand most of it! What I'm appreciating is the way people are beginning to contextualize the AF practice. EndInSight's thread and post-retreat postings are fascinating. My fear and resentment from earlier in the summer are vanishing. Tommy, I'm watching your work with the newbies over on DhO and am just so grateful for these forums. I have my thread here and really feel I belong here, but I love listening in.

About 30 minutes today, began with breath counting, moved to noting. Was immediately hit by sadness, tears, but that passed, then noted sounds, feelings of heat and cool (I was still sweating from being outside, but the air conditioner was on), eventually a few itches, aches here and there, torpor and restlessness, a bit of aversion, plus moments of pleasurable calm. Tomorrow I'm going to spend the afternoon at a half-day retreat in Minneapolis. I'm looking forward to that, but not to the guilt I feel for taking off.

Well, I didn't go to the half-day, I went instead with my husband and son to the movies and shopping afterward. I felt guilty for being away from them, then when I decided to ditch the retreat I felt guilty for ditching. Noted this. I have also been feeling an uptick in anxiety lately, which I attribute to my tapering of my Neurontin medication. My M.D. advised me that I'd feel crappy while this was going on, and she wasn't lying. My brain really, really does not want to be without this stuff; the smallest incremental lowering of the dose causes a withdrawal reaction. Anyway, I didn't want to go to the retreat partly because I didn't want to meditate in a roomful of people. I also feel a lot of separation anxiety where my family is concerned. I do not know what life will be like once this process of withdrawal is complete. I have a terrible time getting up in the morning, sleep is difficult, and then there's the respiratory stuff as well (which now I'm thinking is an allergy; the corn is tassling, I've been told).

Got in 30 minutes of sitting last evening, and had a somewhat active and unpleasant time of it. I was coughing off and on throughout, although I discovered this didn't necessarily interfere with the meditation. I did silent noting, and had quite a bit of torpor to contend with. Eventually I got some monster itches, really uncomfortable, and some mild muscle spasms, all of which resolved itself into shaking in the last 5 minutes or so, not intense or extreme, but noticeable nonetheless.

I have a lesson with Kenneth planned for Tuesday. I read Antero's journal, particularly his recommendation for doing this once a week, and doing exactly what Kenneth told him. I'm going to take the same tack.

Seeing you continuing to practice through difficulties is inspiring, Thank You!
I just picked up "Emptiness Dancing" by Adyashanti, "wow" is about all I can say about it. Highly recommended, his website is also good:http://www.adyashanti.org/.
I've found that noticing where I hold tension(I'm a social anxiety type myself) and relaxing that spot has proven to be helpful. Release the thought causing the tension, relaxing the tension in the body and mind, smiling slightly, and then a conscious breath or two. Doing this constantly has helped me relax and be more comfortable in my daily life, as a bonus I think I'm making progress on the path.

Brain chemistry trumps everything else, at least in my experience. All you can do is note what's happening, Laurel, while your medication issues get resolved. And keep in min that the medication is changing the natural patterns. I know. Been there, done that. Feel free to PM me if you want specifics.

Thanks, guys. I am finding that I can't read Adysashanti these days when anyone is around b/c it makes me cry. I'm doing an independent study this month with a student on mysticism and peace, and can't do the reading I'm assigning him (Eckhart and Tauler) without crying either. This is so weird. I actually gave him the link to this forum; I'm also having him read Adyashanti. I think what makes me cry, when I break it down into a thought, is the realization that there is so much suffering involved in keeping oneself together--not just mine, but everyone's suffering. I've always had an embarrassing tendency to cry easily, which my SSRI's suppressed for years, and now that I've given them up the tears are back.

Chris, I'll send you a message. I am fully aware that there are some people who can't live without their meds, but I just wanted to do this to get a baseline. I don't know that the meds were really helping me; I think in my case they created a dependency, kind of like caffein or nicotine, where one comes to need the stuff to be at the level one would have been at before the dependency started in the first place.

"the realization that there is so much suffering involved in keeping oneself together--not just mine, but everyone's suffering"

This statement also suggest the insight of the Misery nana. It really softens your heart and makes you feel vulnerable.

When I went through this the first time, I didn't have the maps and I couldn't recognize this as a viewpoint. It is true, but only one truth.

Best wishes!

"This statement also suggest the insight of the Misery nana. It really softens your heart and makes you feel vulnerable.

When I went through this the first time, I didn't have the maps and I couldn't recognize this as a viewpoint. It is true, but only one truth.
"

I do agree that there is truth in it. It's a viewpoint I have had for years, but then I've been Dark Nighting off and on for years. So I'm thinking at present I'm in Reobservation (tentatively, anyway). This is where I find the maps to be so valuable.

This morning: 40 mins., strange sitting. Began with counting the breath, 3x10, didn't really settle all that well, but as is usual these days I began noting loud ear ringing, and heartbeat like a jackhammer from deep within, echoing in my ears. Noted other sounds as well. Had some itches, not all on my face, then some stabs of pain, here and there. Experienced torpor, but instead of the usual getting lost in dreams, I followed the dreams as thoughts that then began to get hallucinatory, then labeled the whole thing "torpor," took a deep breath, and onward. At the point of recognition I'd note that the visual field suddenly would go static; it was like staring at a wall with cream-covered, linen-weave wallpaper. At other times I noted alternating expanding circles of light and dark, or just a milky film.

Some restlessness; I'm still finding that sitting feels as if it goes on forever. But the restlessness was not extreme. There was a feeling of heaviness and tingling in my arms towards the end. No strong emotions to speak of.

"
I've found that noticing where I hold tension(I'm a social anxiety type myself) and relaxing that spot has proven to be helpful. Release the thought causing the tension, relaxing the tension in the body and mind, smiling slightly, and then a conscious breath or two. Doing this constantly has helped me relax and be more comfortable in my daily life, as a bonus I think I'm making progress on the path."

Rev, thanks for this advice. I'm going to work with it more. I have a tendency, when I note that constriction in the solar plexus, to want to do anything at all to get away from it. It's very hard for me to work with that particular manifestation. One of my retreat teachers said, it's not as bad as a toothache. From a physical standpoint he's right, but I find I don't identify the ego with physical pain the same way I do with emotions like anxiety. I tend to be ashamed of it as well as fearful (anxiety=fear of being afraid), and then it snowballs. Sometimes it just sits there and creates background noise, and I don't realize that I'm reading novels, eating chocolate, or whatever just to override it until I stop myself and recognize it for what it is.

Hi Laurel,

FWIW, your sits sound very classicly Re-Observation like to me- the ringing, the jackhammering...

To supplement what Rev was talking about: I remember when I was on a 3-day retreat 2 years ago I realized how permanently I was accompanied in life by a seizing tension in my solar plexus. I already knew that I had a level of tension that often showed up in constricted breathing, tendency to snowball into panic attacks, etc. But I never realized the extent to which it was a constant driver in my day-to-day behaviour.

Post-stream entry, that tension didn't go away, but it got nicely fenced off. I could feel it arising (in social situations, for example) and just kinda say "oh, hi, yeah, you're the thing that caused my panic attacks before, right?". That is, it stayed there, but no longer snowballed.

Recently, I realized that, since then, I have continued to reify that localized tension as a Thing, even if now I reify it as a much more harmless animal than I did before. It is still hard to remember that "It" isn't there- there is only a cluster of ever-changing physical sensations. I have only just started that work.

All that to say, relief is coming, even before you "solve" the problem (if such a thing is possible); on the other hand, Rev is right that it helps with progress on the path, because in my experience, it will re-arise as a challenge, even after you benefit from the relief!

*HUG*

"One of my retreat teachers said, it's not as bad as a toothache.

I tend to be ashamed of it as well as fearful (anxiety=fear of being afraid), and then it snowballs."

I heard a talk with Ajahn Brahm where he talks about having a toothache while out in the forest when he was a young monk. He goes through all the things he did like mantras, chanting, brute force moving of the attention all in an effort to take away from the pain. None of it worked so he deliberately sat and watched the pain itself, brought his attention back to it again and again when it just vanished by itself. I did this the other week with a really bad toothache and I absolutely promise you that it works, rather than distract yourself or turn away from these feelings take them head on and watch them because they will stop of their own accord. Pay attention to them, don't let it out of your sight until they go away by themselves.

As for anxiety, what works for me is constantly remembering that you're never anxious about anything RIGHT NOW, anxiety is always past or future based and almost always based on thoughts and beliefs which do not stand up to logical analysis. As soon as you catch yourself feeling anxious about something, do Kenneth's direct mode and ground it in the body and then examine it, there can be quite surprising insights to be found in there which, in my experience, can lead to quite noticeable changes.

"As for anxiety, what works for me is constantly remembering that you're never anxious about anything RIGHT NOW, anxiety is always past or future based and almost always based on thoughts and beliefs which do not stand up to logical analysis. As soon as you catch yourself feeling anxious about something, do Kenneth's direct mode and ground it in the body and then examine it, there can be quite surprising insights to be found in there which, in my experience, can lead to quite noticeable changes.

"

I just wanted to emphasize this because it is excellent advice!

"I did this the other week with a really bad toothache and I absolutely promise you that it works, rather than distract yourself or turn away from these feelings take them head on and watch them because they will stop of their own accord. Pay attention to them, don't let it out of your sight until they go away by themselves."


I hope if someone has a bad toothache they go to the dentist, not sit with the pain *just because.* Ajahn Brahm had no available dentist. We do

So, I have a question -- have we gone from noting being the practice of choice for pre-path and early path yogis to direct mode? Really?