Laurel's practice

Yesterday I learned all about doing noting practice in airports and on airplanes! Got to Logan in Boston and had pain all over the neck, shoulder area. Did about 20 minutes of noting. Body warmed up, felt heat rising through the midsection, felt my jacket binding me too tightly, felt heartrate increasing, but the pain went away. Ended up feeling refreshed. Everyone thought I was taking a little nap, except my husband, who's in the know.

Did some walking meditation at the Milwaukee Airport. It's a great way to pass the time, especially if people are watching your bags for you. On the airplane, did more noting. My right hip and leg went into a series of leg jerks, like restless leg syndrome. Pressure would build up and go into a kind of spasm. I was sitting in that confined space, but didn't have the problem before or after the practice. It was odd and very uncomfortable. I have no idea what it was related to--I know I have been walking more than usual and have some problems lately with leg pain, but this felt different. Now we're back, I'm hoping to get into a regular routine.

I've been working on concentration practice, trying to recover the concentration I had before the vacation. It's pretty disheartening: yesterday I managed two 25-minute sessions, both of which were characterized by dreaminess and, in the later one, actually falling asleep. This morning I did some yoga and then settled in for a nice 40-minute session. I got lots of lights rising and opening up, then fading, then doing it again, but I also got lots of dream imagery, and as soon as I returned to the breath from one such dream another would start up.

My retreat instructor said that the mind can be like a toddler when subjected to discipline: it throws food, screams for attention, and generally acts up. I know Kenneth has said that once you have gotten to a samatha jhana,, you can always return to it. I think in my case I'm just going to need a gentle reminder; or else I may not have gotten past access concentration in the first place. In any case, whatever it was wasn't stable. But getting back is going to be my goal for the next few days.

At the risk of sounding like a repetitive, annoying infomercial for noting practice: even if you're focusing on a concentration practice, you can use noting as a backstop, a way to fill in the gaps in concentration practice. When the "samadhi" just isn't showing up, you can fill in those moments that might otherwise be consumed by a disheartening feeling that you've had a setback.

There is always the strong urge to measure your progress by your ability to "lock in" a pleasant mental state you experienced before. But from another point of view, you are only ever moving forward, never back. Phenomena like sleepiness and sludginess recur all along the path, but always for new reasons.

Even that awful sleepiness and dreaminess can become a friend if you watch it. Once when I was feeling really sludgy, I just noted the intensity of how sleepy I felt. "Really sleepy... just a little sleepy... really really sleepy...". After a certain point, that noting took on momentum, and the concentration and one-poited energy returned. Obviously, I can't say if that technique will work for you, but just to make the point that apparent "problems" and "setbacks" are actually progress in disguise.

Even if the knitting is going badly today, there's still more sweater than there was before!

Thanks, Rob! One thing I can say: from the noting practice I've done so far, I find that much easier than concentration practice, because it gives me more to do, and my brain is happy to jump through those hoops. As for the concentration, I have this fear of backsliding. I guess this isn't like yoga or other physical discipline, where I've had the disheartening experience of losing flexibility over time (especially when I leave off practice for awhile) because of the aging process.

And thanks for being a repetitive infomercial (not at all annoying). I need the reminder.

Yes, exactly! It's not the same as a physical discipline. Or rather, the discipline is more like the "riding a bike" cliché. You stumble and recover over and over, then one day, a new level of skill just kinda shows up full-blown (usually at or near a path, at least in my experience). Once it's there, you seem to have a choice to use it or not, but it doesn't really go away. (I'm saying this from only a few months' post-path experience myself, but these things feel quite solid, even in those times it becomes painfully clear that I have a lot more to learn).

Okay, so I started out with focusing on the breath, particularly at the tip of the nose, in and out. I got to a point where I felt sufficiently focused to begin noting, and worked with sounds (my birds squawking upstairs, wild birds doing the same thing outside), thoughts (not too many of these), and itches and body sensations. Was able to note graininess in itches here and there, little throbs of pain arising and passing in my hand, tension here and there.

After awhile I returned to the anapana spot at the tip of the nose, and then the dream stuff started. This time I paid attention and noted it. All sorts of people approached me, offering me things: advice, pieces of paper, things I should do. Some of them were anonymous, some of them people I know. My mother showed up, then my son, and a neighbor at whose house he often plays; then Sarah Palin (doh!), whom I have to admit I sent packing (I am not allowing you in my meditation!). I kept returning to the tip of the nose after noting these guys. Lots of anticipation, but not powerful, just flickers of thinking ahead. Some restlessness, wanting to check the timer. Managed to resist this. When I returned to the focus on the breath I noted lights, circles of light, sometimes brighter, sometimes dimmer, sometimes larger and sometimes pinpricks. There'd be a wash of light across my face frequently, followed by waves of darkness. Then eventually the timer went off.

Rob, I thought about what you said in post 27 about new reasons for sleepiness and sludginess. I think I see what you mean. I get the impression that all this stuff is working its way through my practice and will eventually resolve into something new.

I have a session with Kenneth set up for a few hours from now. I'll report back about that.

Great reports, Laurel. When you can disembed from Sarah Palin thoughts, you are totally rocking the noting!

Sounds like progress to me. Keep at it and you can't go wrong.

Thanks, guys! I had my session with Kenneth today, and he confirmed what I've been suspecting: I went through the A & P when I had that car accident when I was 19. We're talking--okay, time to reveal the truth--38 years ago. So there's been some Dark Night stuff mixing in with my other psychological business, and some of you might recall from earlier posts that I'm really interested in trying to figure out what the difference is between depression and DN. I read the thread Ron Crouch posted about this a couple of months ago, and someone mentioned that with depression, there are therapies/meds etc. that work. None of that has worked for me. OTOH, I had anxiety and depression symptoms before the A & P, but I remember everything really unraveling afterwards.

I suppose it doesn't really matter what's what, although my tendency to try to figure things out conceptually gets tied up in knots. What matters is I need to get on with noting practice to resolve this stuff. To be continued . . .

(cont.)

Okay: so here's what's happening with noting practice: I did some this afternoon and I got leg spasms on the right side, something that happened to me when I was noting the other day during a flight back home. There was no cramped seating arrangement to blame for it, but it was mighty uncomfortable. I was mainly noting anxiety (that knot in the midsection), which gave way to itching, which gave way to a monster itch. Then torpor set in and I lost track of things. Then I got alert again, resumed noting, then the leg spasms. Whassup with that? I don't know, but I did not like it. So something is going on.

I feel somewhat confused: I went through A & P longer ago than a lot of you have been alive without ever having meditated, and then with noting practice now find myself back at square one, don't quite know where I am on the map, what to expect or when. But like I said, I get caught up in wanting to know what's what, and these things can't be resolved conceptually. Last December I went through a bona fide sequence of fear, misery, disgust, and desire for deliverance, just as described in Daniel's book, which is why I started working on this approach. There's only one direction for me to go. I'm working on getting to Stream Entry, and I am really motivated now.

"When you can disembed from Sarah Palin thoughts,"

-wow. I think thats technically considered a 'power'

Welcome fellow dark night yogi! You are in the right place.

Thanks for the encouragement! Speaking of dark night, I feel like a train wreck. I've been noting a lot during the day, yesterday and today; noted in bed last night and getting up this morning. Had a nightmare before waking, that I had gone into a tunnel, then suddenly felt panic and constriction, thought of backing out the way I came, but didn't want to do that because it would mean going nowhere. But I was afraid if I went forward I'd get stuck in there and die there.

Right now I hurt all over, I'm sleepy, my head hurts, my neck hurts, and even though I've been to the chiropractor, I feel a mess. I'm yelling at my kid and wishing I were overworked again so I could ignore how I feel. I'm about to go take a nap.

I took the nap, felt better. Did some samatha practice last evening, got into 1st jhana, but didn't stay there, somehow got sidetracked and was busy doing I don't remember what. Just got through with half an hour of noting practice. Could not stay awake! I was fine for about 10 minutes or so, then jerked myself out of a dream over and over, then had some real itching issues, which I decided to note in detail. I was able to detect the graininess in one itch in particular and worked with it for awhile.

For noting I'm doing silent noting of mental and physical phenomena, but I seem to do better when I focus on one thing in detail and don't even try to name it over and over again. I did not have the painful physical symptoms during this session that I've had in recent sessions. I'll see how this develops.

"I took the nap, felt better"
This never seems to come up on the forum, but I've found that sometimes the best thing I do for my practice...is have a good nap. (I just woke up 20 minutes ago.)I feel better and practice better. It sounds like you're getting the hang of it, keep at it and see where it takes you.

"I was able to detect the graininess in one itch in particular and worked with it for awhile."

Nice one! If you're observing stuff at this level then you're doing it right so you can drop any concerns about your ability to note properly.

Sorry to hear things are a bit rough right now, but by the sounds of things you'll power through this phase pretty quickly as your practice looks really good right now. If you're noticing the physical stuff subsiding then you're making progress, stick with it and keep that momentum going!

I feel like absolute bloody hell lately, exhausted, ready to fall asleep at a moment's notice. I feel like a menace in a car, worrying I'm going to zone out. Mornings are okay, but anything after lunch, forget it. Plus I can't go to my happy place b/c there is no such place right now. I have meditated each day, and get started with something and then get sleepy. I have been taking naps. I am wondering if this is it for the rest of my life, lingering in a twilight state.

I think several things are going on, one of which is a period of about six months (longer, actually) of relentless activity, professional and family related, some of it extremely stressful. There has been no down time, no break. I don't think we're designed to function that way. Anyway, that's what's going on right now. This is how it is.

Hi Laurel,

You know that speech the flight attendant always gives on the airplane? She says that "in the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. If you are traveling with a child or someone who needs assistance, be sure to put on your own mask before helping those around you."

In other words, if you drop dead, they will too, so it turns out to be anything but selfish to ensure that your own needs are met first.

Please take care of yourself.

Metta and karuna,

Kenneth

Thanks, Kenneth. It's really hard for me to remember to do that, because while I agree in theory, each demand on myself seems to carry its own compelling rationale. I'm getting gradually better at telling people to leave me alone when I've had enough. But the big picture is one that I can't quite figure out yet.

I've been reading WSH3's thread and seeing in his experience a really detailed way of observing how tension manifests during noting meditation--thanks to you as well! I also worked this morning with a CD from Sharon Salzberg's Insight Meditation, which really prompted me to note the pain in a way that observes without embedding. I had various things going on in various parts of the body, including headache from caffeine withdrawal, stiffness in the back, neck tension, and itches here and there. The itches tend to vibrate a bit, whereas the pain tends to stabilize, but even that will eventually move around and throb; in other words, change.

Last evening I tried Jhana practice, couldn't focus because of threads of narrative lodged in my head that kept repeating over and over.

Was up in the night and thought I'd meditate, did about 40 minutes of concentration practice. I got settled and entered first jhana, then fell out of it. Got settled again and the same thing happened. Lately my concentration isn't worth squat. It's as if I've taken a giant step backward. I guess the best thing to do is note that. There's been a lot of chatter in my head.

Im with you on that one - my concentration seems to wax and wane like the tides.

-I have the same issue with narratives that repeat themselves ad nauseum. I have self doubt that likes to loop in the background. More and more I am seeing that I dont need to change that in any way, it just needs to be noted as another phenomena. Seems to change depending on where I happen to be on the maps, whether I know it or not, like its all outside of my control

"like its all outside of my control "

Bingo!

Are you sure you aren't moving into cause and effect or three characteristics? Both of these live in first jhana territory and mind and body is very similar to 1st jhana (they correspond to each other). The loss of a steady mind isn't always a sign of regression but rather of progress into deeper unstable strata of mind.

I don't know. I have heard that bodily pain is associated with three characteristics, and my pain has been increasing as of late. I'm suddenly restless at night for no apparent reason, waking up two to four times. My appetite is uneven. But I'm so confused by the map I can't tell. I'm doing some reading/writing/research today, noting in between times (hard to apply noting when I'm doing intellectual work). I plan to keep it up as much as possible.

I would suggest using a timer and commit to focusing on your technique and executing it for the duration you have set the timer for. Stay technique focused and make sure you aren't terminating your sitting when things get bad. Don't worry too much about concentration at this point, focus more on noting at your target rate for the amount of time you sit. A good sit is one where you apply your chosen technique consistently for your entire sitting. Make sure to try and record the phenomenon you are noting in a clear way similar to Nadav's journal and look for a pattern over time rather than one in each sitting (for example: each time I sit I begin to feel pleasant after a few minutes but then wind up lost in thought, after which I find myself experiencing aches, pains, and itches. After sometime the itches become more complicated and I feel vibrations and see bright lights, etc.).

My initial reaction is to say you probably are hitting three characteristics and that if you keep up you'll eventually hit the arising and passing away again. One tip that seems to have helped a lot of yogi's is to look for bright, stable itches. They tend to be an indicator of three characteristics. If you do find one stay with it, noting it and then see if you can begin to feel a more complex texture in it. Try and break it down into something less solid (or rather see if observing it closely over a period of time begins to reveal more texture within it - vibrations, swirling, pulsing, etc.). If it disappears completely pay attention to that fact as well (note gone).

Thanks. I have had itches of the type you mention recently, and have noted them, and observing them doing what you suggest. I will drop the concentration for now. Yes, I've had a tendency to quit when I can't stand it (when my leg was twitching a few days ago) but will be on the lookout for that temptation. I will go and take a look at Nadav's journal now, and then get to work!