Laurel's practice

All right, here it is: Did out-loud noting for 30 minutes. Haven't really done this seriously yet, decided now is the time. I began with doubts--how can I concentrate on a single itch if I'm out-loud noting? Lots of itches at first, some twinges of pain here and there. Noted itch moving, crawling, migrating. Noted sounds (birds squawking, ringing in ears) and an occasional thought.

Moved into a dreamy stage. Realized my noting had stopped, I was seeing images, some of them planning and anticipation related, others pure dreamy stuff. Noting out loud sleepy, dreaming, sleepy. Images, occasional music in head. More itches. Some mild twitches. Then heat in the midsection of the body, washes of light, some of it tinted orange, otherwise off-white. This pattern repeated several times (sleepiness followed by resumption of out-loud noting, itches). Doubt, restlessness, desire for timer, reminding self of importance of sticking with it. More of the same. Some anticipation, planning. Finally, timer.

Good stuff!

Evening sit (about 30 minutes): began with relaxation, counting breath, access concentration, then noting out loud. Awkward at first, itching began, mildly, then more intense, itching was lively, lots of prickly sensations, in motion. Followed by torpor, dream images, noting stopped, then started again, reminiscing, anticipating, images, sleepiness, desire to stop and go to bed. Then a more active period, very unpleasant, lots of twitching, shaking, nausea (that seems to have been a constant throughout), not much light but occasionally some, desire to stop, fear, disorientation, confusion, then moving into a feeling of heat through legs and torso, increased heat, more and more intense, but the fear seemed to be less with this, and then finally the timer went off. I suppose if I were brave I'd have continued beyond it, but I was relieved to be able to stop.

I feel as if I'm close to something, but I don't know what. I am doing three 30 minute practice sessions a day now, morning, noon, and night, all out-loud noting.

If I had to guess, I'd think the more dreamy/thinking portion is cause and effect followed by the more intense three characteristics stage. Try setting the timer for a few minutes longer in each sitting. The warmth is likely to be some sort of energetic symptom. You may be close to crossing into the a&p.

40 minute session this morning; did yoga practice beforehand, and did some breathing/concentration to settle the mind as I was going through the poses and stretches. I began noting in a relaxed and focused state, somewhat anticipating an active session, but it was surprisingly boring. I noted hunger throughout (no breakfast yet), itching (some severe), but nowhere near as much as last night. Itches settle in and then feel fizzy, like champagne. Got sick of saying "itching, itching, itching." Some sleepiness, but not for any length of time. Lights pulsing alternating with dark in the visual field, mild pain here and there, mild twitching, but mostly tedium, boredom, and dryness in the lips (though not in the mouth itself). Wanting to stop, wanting something to happen. Not much mind chatter at all. Managed to sit for the entire 40 minutes; did not give in to temptation to look at clock or end session. Noted myself smiling at myself here and there. Briefly felt sense of detachment and estrangement from the body. As boredom increased, told myself to keep noting it.

If you're staying aware of the unpleasant aspects of the sitting without judging them as failings or failures, then you are doing exactly the right thing. (And even then, that's OK, too, as long as you notice *that* too!)

On some level, you're "being meditated"- changes are happening, regardless of how you react to them.

These are great reports!

"40 minute session this morning; did yoga practice beforehand, and did some breathing/concentration to settle the mind as I was going through the poses and stretches. I began noting in a relaxed and focused state, somewhat anticipating an active session, but it was surprisingly boring. I noted hunger throughout (no breakfast yet), itching (some severe), but nowhere near as much as last night. Itches settle in and then feel fizzy, like champagne. Got sick of saying "itching, itching, itching." Some sleepiness, but not for any length of time. Lights pulsing alternating with dark in the visual field, mild pain here and there, mild twitching, but mostly tedium, boredom, and dryness in the lips (though not in the mouth itself). Wanting to stop, wanting something to happen. Not much mind chatter at all. Managed to sit for the entire 40 minutes; did not give in to temptation to look at clock or end session. Noted myself smiling at myself here and there. Briefly felt sense of detachment and estrangement from the body. As boredom increased, told myself to keep noting it.
"

Fantastic!

Thanks, everyone! Midday sit: 30 minutes. Did three rounds of counting 10 breaths, nice and relaxed at the outset. Feeling like there wasn't much to note, so stuck to obvious stuff--lawnmower outside, ringing in ears. Not even a good solid itch. At some point I noted that I was feeling relaxed and that this was pleasant. Have been so focused on the unpleasant stuff that I didn't know what to do about that until I came to the obvious conclusion and noted it.

Had trouble staying with the out-loud noting approach, would bog down on it with the breath, which tended to get shortened. I tried alternating silent and out-loud (which is actually very soft, almost whispering). Finally had some itches and pain in hand, ankle; stiffness in back, constriction around the midsection. Eventually noted mild nausea. Used to have lots of fear located in the belly; now it feels more like low-level indigestion. Some dreams again, some doubts (both about what I was doing right or wrong and about the practice itself). Some boredom and tedium. Timer went off.

Edit: sometimes I have trouble finding things to note, and other times I have trouble deciding what out of several competing things to note (e.g., pain in temple at the same time as an itch on the nose). This last sit I tried rapidly alternating back and forth between two or sometimes three things, just to observe the effect. Other times I would try to focus on one itch or ache at a time.

Evening sit: 31 minutes. Began with counting 10 breaths, only twice because they became so long and slow that I just settled into a lovely state of concentration for the first time in awhile. I thought I should get down to the business of noting, but had no motivation because it felt so good I just wanted to abide there. So I did for awhile, and then dreaminess and drowsiness set in, and after awhile I started thinking, this sit is going to be a big waste if I don't get busy!

Began silent noting, and all hell broke loose. It seemed to go on for hours. I have a bit of arthritis in one of the joints of my hand; it started throbbing like mad, burning, pulsing, hurting like crazy. Then the itches from hell came on, one after another, with what felt like violence; in some cases it seemed they were breaking out in flames on my chin, with enough force to jerk my whole body. There was twitching and even vocalization when one of these monsters would hit with particular force. I watched them pulsing and throbbing almost in sympathy with the pain in my hand; at one point I was alternating noting back and forth between the two worst itches on either side of my chin, and they began to vibrate. My body started shaking--the only thing I can compare it to was an earthquake I experienced while living in California, a rather mild one as these things go, but I suddenly realized that the house was shaking from within, not because of any wind hitting the windows. That's what this shaking was like.

Of course I wanted it to be over, but I was more detached from it than I'd been last night. I was glad when the timer went off. I'm giving myself incrementally more time. As I said, this seemed to go on forever. I didn't notice any lights, but then again, I would have been hard pressed to think about them with all this other business going on.

"My body started shaking--the only thing I can compare it to was an earthquake I experienced while living in California, a rather mild one as these things go, but I suddenly realized that the house was shaking from within, not because of any wind hitting the windows. That's what this shaking was like."

I'm on the edge of my seat! What happened today? You are really cookin' now, Laurel. Keep us posted.

Hi Kenneth--sorry to keep you in such suspense! I didn't sit until this evening; I think I have been a great big chicken all day. I can report feeling depressed, anxious about my work, frustrated, but above all depressed. I had all sorts of family/social obligations and was trying to get some work done around them.

But I sat just now; I began again with relaxation, and then was in what I think was first jhana again. I didn't wait so long to start noting this time. I anticipated more fireworks, but things started kind of slow. I began with sounds: dishwasher, refrigerator, whining in my ears, clock ticking, cars passing outside. This went on for a little; some dreaminess which I observed and got back on track again. Itches began to come into the picture finally, but they weren't as intense as last night, except for one in my ear canal. No pain to speak of. I was noting thoughts: anticipation, comparing, things like that, but eventually the spasms started in my thigh muscles, mostly on my right side, but then on the left as well. I felt some peace in between spasms, but also instability, could then feel pressure building up and my body starting to shake again.

Memories intruded: one day 25 years ago I was walking in downtown Stanford, California and a perfect stranger came up to me and asked me , would you please slap my face. I didn't do it. I began experiencing regret; maybe he needed me to do that to help him. Then I flashed into a memory of the London underground, that lingered for awhile. The spasms continued through these memories. I felt calm underlying the agitation, but also a feeling that this was unpleasant, which of course I noted. I wanted the session to end. I didn't like it. I began to feel nausea again, mild but annoying. I still feel a bit of it now.

(cont.) I am going on an all-day retreat on Saturday and am hoping to pass through the A & P at that point, if not before. I am really looking forward to getting past the stuff that's happening now! I'll get myself up in the morning and sit before work tomorrow. I can't let this drag on.

Hi Laurel,

Wow...sounds like good stuff, although pretty intense to sit through I imagine.
Best of luck with the retreat, I hope it goes well and will look forward to hearing how you get on!!

Thanks, Ed! I sat again this morning, this time it took 3 times counting 10 breaths to settle down. Began noting sounds, which I'm finding is a good way to start because it's pretty clear-cut. The most important was loud ringing in the ears, accompanied by a feeling of pressure in the head, which wasn't entirely unpleasant. Some itching, not intense. Itches tended to spread out over the skin rather than concentrate on a single point. Some dreaminess and torpor, but not for long periods. Mild twitching, not intense. Reminiscing thoughts, anticipatory thoughts. As time went on got bored, restless, but not as much as the other day. Feeling of heaviness through my arms and torso that lasted about 5 minutes.

I'm noticing a pattern of very active evening sits, mellow morning sits. Neither is particularly pleasant.

Last night's sit: took three times counting to 10 with the breath to settle down, but I could feel myself wanting to start noting right away. This sit was active but not outrageously so; there was one itch that was so awful I ended up scratching it out of pure desperation, but I don't want to let that become a habit. Very mild shaking, some thoughts passing through and getting noted, visual memories, some dreaminess, itches definitely coming and going. Phenomena are very porous and fleeting (except for that one itch). Head was pulsing a bit at the beginning, with loud noise in the ears, but even that settled down. I seem to be working through stuff rather than getting worked up to a peak experience. I was so wanting the A & P to come on that I had to simply note myself having that agenda and let it go.

After I went to bed I actually kept up the noting, with all the same results, for about half an hour until I fell asleep. Today's the daylong retreat. I'll see what happens there.

The retreat was from 9:00 to 6:00. I got there a little late, feeling frazzled, did some samatha practice and settled down. The first couple of sits were typical: mixtures of alertness and dreaminess, pains and itches, sounds and thoughts, images and once in a while a story. After lunch I went back to the meditation hall and put in 40 minutes of serious practice, then the bell rang and I put in another 40 back-to-back. During those two sessions I experienced no sleepiness and got faster and faster, able to identify stuff that would have escaped me last week. I'd start thinking, I wonder if I'm going to get to A & P, and note "Speculating" and then I'd be noting the car passing by. I didn't have any serious shakin' goin' on like Wednesday night, but I had some heat here and there, some weightiness in the arms, and eventually a the beginning of a sense that I could do this without all the doubt that's assailed me before (when I did feel doubt, I noted "doubt" and went on).

The person doing the noting is still "I." I suppose that's the long and the short of it. On the other hand, I got in some good practice. I have to admit I was scattered during the walking meditation, with thoughts running through my head, but overall my mind is becoming more disciplined. I ended with another samatha session because I was just plain tired, and I'd been getting progressively more pain that was too much to face head on. I even popped a pain pill, sad to say.

Looking back over your posts it seems clear that you're making progress, I know that can be easy to forget when caught up in the last sit, but use it as fuel. You're doing great! Steady as she goes!

Thanks, Rev. Two things I should mention just for the sake of thoroughness: these sits weren't actively unpleasant like so many I've had lately, but I am at a point where it's hard to get physically comfortable. Until the pain intensified I was able to note everything and not get drawn in by the aversion--"fanny hurting, stabbing pain in wrist, shoulder pain, etc." and just go around and around with noises, thoughts, and images thrown in.

The other thing is that I had lights from time to time, sometimes a brighter white than I've had in the past (it was overcast) with an orange pinwheel coming out of it--odd, but it gave me something else to note along with all the itches, aches, and pains. I also have greatly increased my tolerance for just sitting out a session.

I meditated briefly midday and then for a little over half an hour this evening. The title says it all. The midday sit was actually quite pleasant, but the evening sit was murder. I had one itch in particular that bored into my ear canal like a jackhammer. I grimaced with the pure agony of it and had all I could do not to claw at my ear with my fingernails. I had other assorted itches across my face, mostly around the chin, some of them like sharp needles boring into me, which shimmered and throbbed and came and went. I had a whole rash of itches across my forehead. My nose was afflicted for awhile. There was very little pain anywhere in the body, no nausea to speak of, quiet in the visual field, and some dreaminess and imagery. The torpor came and went, but the real story was with the itches. I'm getting mighty sick of these, so I guess I also noted a lot of impatience, anticipation, bewilderment, and the thought that this seems to be my meditation experience from here on out, I'll be stuck for the rest of my life in Three Characteristics, and I'm fed up. So I noted those thoughts. Not a whole lot of emotion associated with them, however. Just an occasional jolt when an itch escalated suddenly or a new one arose.

One interesting fact: I had a lot of energy today, and almost no drama. I played viola quintets at a neighbor's house, found myself shaking when I had to make an assertive entrance by myself, noted it, but didn't feel any panic or shame around it. There was fear, but no fear of the fear, and I briefly thought, people are going to think I really suck, but then gave that thought up with a shrug. Hmm. Performance anxiety in playing violin/viola has been a decades-long trauma for me. I wonder where this is leading.

"I had one itch in particular that bored into my ear canal like a jackhammer. I grimaced with the pure agony of it and had all I could do not to claw at my ear with my fingernails." -Laurel

Awesome! Classic 3rd ñana. That itch is the kiss of concentration. Sit on it until it changes. Does it persist forever? Does it change? Does it fade? Does it move? Does it intensify? Dont let it out of your sight! That itch is your ticket to the A&P.

Keep on keepin' on.

-Kenneth

""I had one itch in particular that bored into my ear canal like a jackhammer. I grimaced with the pure agony of it and had all I could do not to claw at my ear with my fingernails." -Laurel

Awesome! Classic 3rd ñana. That itch is the kiss of concentration. Sit on it until it changes. Does it persist forever? Does it change? Does it fade? Does it move? Does it intensify? Dont let it out of your sight! That itch is your ticket to the A&P.

Keep on keepin' on.

-Kenneth"

Thanks, Kenneth. I hung onto them for dear life, believe me, although I hated them like the plague.

Another observation about daily life (and retreat life, come to think of it): I'm having separation anxiety from my familiar ways of being and doing. At the retreat I noted a lot of guilt over leaving my family for the day, even though they were perfectly fine. I am still going to my old church but I sit there feeling disloyal and nostalgic. I long for ordinariness. I wish I could stop this craziness and just be a "normal" person. For a few days my fear went away, but now it's back with a vengeance. The only thing I keep telling myself is to look around me, and ask what my alternatives are.

Hang in their Laurel!....ordinariness probably isnt all its cracked up to be. Its all very well to just note guilt and anxiety but i think you might be better investigating them CBT style. In a previous post you said metta made you quite upset......I would say thats a good thing, I stuggle to feel much at all! Direct some friendliness to yorself, to your situation and your practice. I think its great at reducing fear. Paul Gilbert has a great book called the Compassionate Mind which really describes how this stuff works!....

I remember when I first had a real sense that the "nanas" were working through me, exactly as described in the books. I had this moment where I literally stopped in my tracks, walking home from work, and I wanted to cry. I saw for the first time that all these teachings I'd been dabbling in for years are TRUE!!! and my life IS!!! going to change. Yikes! What about the part I liked?

I still loop around to this unmoored feeling from time to time.... but I also loop back again, to living in the world with the things and people that I like, and having a saner, calmer relationship to them. They're all still here...