Howard's Practice Notes # 2

23rd November
9am, 30mins
This session was very distracted and fragmented. I decided early on to just stay in first gear, but as soon as I did this strong Dzogchen arose, but I remained distracted.

24th November
4pm, 40mins
I was straight into Dzogchen this time. 1st gear noting just went straight there. Any preference for Dzogchen is experienced as a pulse of joy or gratitude. It appears to arise when a sense of self is juxtaposed with Dzogchen. It's not a 'I'm so happy to be in Dzogchen' it doesn't get that far, it's more of an awareness of an observer and Dzogchen at the same time. Aversion to not-Dzogchen is felt as a stab of disappointment, almost grief. Compassion normally arises from this.

25th November
9am & 1pm, 30min X 2
The second session appeared to follow on directly from the first so I will treat them together. In many ways the first 10mins were the most interesting. I gave me a good chance to get a good look at my 'preferring mind.' At this time in the morning I am cranky so my mind immediately goes looking for nice fluffy Dzogchen shaped sensations. When they don't arise I get a feeling of lack, not quite disappointment, but of 'not,' like going to the fridge looking for a beer not finding one and then not being able to process this reality. The mind stops and then immediately becomes dissociated, fuzzy and vague for a few seconds. Then the mind snaps back to the moment and noting continues eventually the realisation dawns that the required sensations are not coming out to play and a sense of release arises. At this point Dzogchen usually arises. I go through this every morning and every morning I forget the sequence and have to go through the whole thing. Except that sometimes I do remember what happens, but if anything this makes it worse.

(cont)
After about 10mins Dzogchen starts to arise. Usually I get a whiff of something, often it is that faint sounds become soothing, sometimes I start to hear pleasant harmonies in mundane noises. Compassion comes next; the harmonies I notice come with a bitter sweet affect. This used to be a problem as the bitter aspect of the affect would overwhelm me. But my developing compassion towards these sensations the get to do their own thing and often go in interesting directions. One effect of the affect (ho ho) is that they 'fuel' sensations of spaciousness, peace and tranquillity. These sensations are not linked to any particular sense door. The last bit of the thing to turn-up is 'luminosity,' this when everything appears back lit. Actually this is not the last bit. When all this is stable and consistent a feeling of perfection arises; it is suddenly clear the all sensations are perfect in every way.

The funny thing that the mind gets bored of this (!!!) I'm not sure I know how to comment meaningfully, but it's true, mind drifts off even though I am floating in perfection. However once this state is stable and distraction arises, Dzogchen tends to come back after the 3rd or 4th 'note.'

I was particularly interested in spotting any 'preferring mind' after Dzogchen arose. The fact is that the more stable it becomes the more it becomes a characteristic of awareness, just being mindful is enough. Often the concept of preference become meaningless, this is not always the case but today it was pretty much the case.

Kenneth pointed to something like this. When experiencing Dzogchen, where is the mind that is doing the preferring? Good question.

26th November
9am, 30mins
Dzogchen was coming and going constantly throughout this session but never really stabilised. I can't say that there was too much craving or preference for it either. As Ii think I've said before preference and craving tend to crop-up as affect these days and immediately manifest as compassion. I did notice quite a lot of disappointment when I drifted off completely though.

5pm, 30mins
Nothing unusual this time. I was asked to look at any preference for meditation last week. By
Meditation I assume means mindfulness and by preference I'm assuming means insight disease. I get this as a strong affect that I feel in my central torso. Any mindfulness will do but cushion time is usually required to scratch the itch.

27th November
9am, 30mins
Nothing special, dzogchen coming and going, blah. What I do find interesting today is that simple act of observing myself. Since stream entry I have been acutely aware of how most (all) that I do is independent of any observing consciousness. Up till now I've been preoccupied with maintaining this awareness. But last night after chatting to Beth it is clear that labouring mightily to keep present is not the point. This awareness is inherently joyful and full of wonder, it is this joyfulness that I should be using as my practice support, not what my body/actually does.

28th November
9am, 30mins
1st gear, nothing special

4pm, 30mins
3rd gear, nice

10pm, 30mins
Same again.

29th November
5.30am, 30mins
I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd give sitting a try, it worked! Practice was rubbish though.

11.30am, 30mins
Fairly stable, Dzogchen coming and going, mindfulness coming and going. Meh.

3pm, 30mins
Very soft and Dzogcheny, an hour and a half to two hours really does appear to be my sweet spot.

30th November
9.15am, 30mins
1st gear, yawn.

11am, 30mins
In the last couple of days I have upped my work rate to an hour and a half. Usually, when this happens with any consistency my mind goes a bit off kilter for a while and then settles down, I think ihtis is what is happening now. I was fairly solidly in Dzogchen but also pretty distracted. Off the cushion my mind is all over the place.

2pm, 30mins
More of the same.

1st December
6am, 30mins
Very solid but mechanistic 1st gear

4pm, 30mins
Looser, Dzogchen. I'm experiencing some anger concening a domestic issue and I spent some time observing the physical sensations underlying this.

2nd December
9am, 40mins
Just recently my practice has been getting a bit lacklustre, motivation has been a problem and my mind has been wandering a bit; I've been clock watching too much as well. The temptation is to indulge this and try to find out what is 'wrong.' This approach rarely works for me, usually I have to man up stop behaving like a girly man and get it done. Often increasing my sitting time helps too. So this is what I did this morning and my practice was much more focused as a result.

I difficult balance has to be struck, there is no bad practice but you have to be present in the moment for it to be practice at all. But then again sometimes a wandering mind is a function of the nyana that it being worked with. So a firm hand but a light touch is required, which can be difficult.

4pm, 40mins
The ususal.

11pm, 35mins
Not the usual. Meditation isn't therapy. A shame, because this eventing I have been swamped by a tsunami of personal stuff. Issues that I have been putting off dealing with for a long time have finally become impossible to ignore. It may be heresy to say this but my own experience has been that there is a direct linkage between personal growth and practice. I think 'stuff' happens in its own time whether you like it or not but practice has a nasty habit of making things crystal clear, including all your 'stuff.' This is great because when you eventually sit down with a shrink it all comes out in a big, well-articulated lump. The down side is that it's a hell of a ride.

3rd December
9am, 30mins
I was swamped by content again today. After flapping around like a wet fish for about 10mins I shifted down to the most basic version of 1st gear that I know. It felt a bit like running DOS after years of Windows 7. I did manage to establish a fairly stable mindfulness though.

4pm, 30mins
The rage and grief are gone again, like a mist in the morning. Business as usual practice wise, I know my 'stuff' will be back though, as it tends to come in waves.

8.15pm, 30mins
Ping pong noting with Beth. We were trying to coax out some of my 'stuff,' no joy unfortunately.

4th December
10am, 30mins
Pretty loose and supple today. Beth has been advising me to 'not-prefer' Dzogchen but to be free in all mind states. I feel I've been doing this but I keep finding little preferences in the small print as it were. This session felt free-er than usual I suppose. It's tough having worked so hard to attain to something, only to have to let it go almost immediately.

5pm, 30mins
The problem with letting go and accepting all sensations just as they are is that narrative disappears. So where is my practice going? No idea. Define going? What are the sensations of 'no idea,' it's all just stuff to be present too. Long story short, I have nothing to say except that some stuff happened and I was present to it.

5th December
8am, 30mins; 9pm, 40mins
As above.

6th December
8am, 30mins
Stuff happened.

7th December
8am, 30mins
Nothing to do, nowhere to go. The sensations of Dzogchen are becoming more woven into my normal mindfulness now.

10pm, 30mins
The same

8th December
9.30am, 40mins
So, I'm supposed to be looking at the physical sensations of my 'stuff.' This is just the same as the sense of aversion that I get when I don't want to be present to anything, just stronger. It tends to be rather slippery but that's where the growth is. Ho hum, back to narrative I suppose.

1pm, 40mins
Stuff happened but was Dzogchen in flavour.

9th December
9am & 1.30pm, 30mins
I was very symptomatic today so it was enough just to be sitting and accepting the weirdness without expecting too much.

10th December
9am & 3pm, 30mins each
Unsatisfactory from the dualistic perspective, ha ha.

11th December
9am, 30mins & 4pm, 40mins
Last night I had a chat with Beth, in which I complained a lot about my symptoms stopping me from practicing, yada. She has repeatedly pointed me towards the ways of seeing these sensations as no-self. None of this has really stuck. But, often things need to be pointed to in different ways before the penny drops. Last night I was pointed to the obvious (in hindsight) truth that the sensations of self as unknowable as 'ships in the harbour,' 'the future,' or a conversation in the next town. So the same inclination of mind can be used as, say, 'ships in the harbour,' when inclining towards the sensations of self. This is so blindingly obvious that it is embarrassing; luckily it also works rather well.

11pm, 30mins
I was very interested in how tenuous the evidence we have for the existence of self is sometimes. My attention was very 'analogue' only one sensation at a time and a very narrow perspective. So where is the self, residing in the itch in my left big toe,perhaps? Unlikely.

12th December
9am & 2pm, 30mins
I'm a bit all over the place today, but when the dust settles I find the knowledge that I only have to worry about the next sensation, very relaxing.

10pm, 30mins
More relaxed and focused, I had a solid period in no-mind.

15th December
9am, 30mins
Analogue 1st gear.

2pm & 10pm, 30mins
A mixed bag.

16th December
9am, 40mins
Not much new to report on the cushion.

17th December
9am, 40mins
Again, nothing new during formal practice. Off the cushion I'm having quite a fun time. I suppose I'm starting to get comfortable with the fact that I have no real idea what my body/mind will do next in daily life. This appears to be 'unknowable' in the same was as the 'ships in the harbour' practice. A gentle relaxation and joyfulness is noticed. This is less like Dzogchen and more like no-mind. Not sure I can put any explanation around that at this time.

17th December
9am, 40mins & 5pm, 1hour
Again, nothing new during formal practice. Off the cushion I'm having quite a fun time. I suppose I'm starting to get comfortable with the fact that I have no real idea what my body/mind will do next in daily life. This appears to be 'unknowable' in the same was as the 'ships in the harbour' practice. A gentle relaxation and joyfulness is noticed. This is less like Dzogchen and more like no-mind. Not sure I can put any explanation around that at this time.

18th December
Okay boys and girls, I have a confession to make, my sitting practice is messing up my practice, so I've decided to stop for a while. This morning I woke up and was solidly present, as usual. Then the thought arose, 'I have to sit now, don't want to.' This has been going on for months, initially I chose to become interested in the sensations of not wanting to sit, but it just gets worse and worse, to the extent that it poisons my off-the-cushion mindfulness.

The truth is that I have needed to be mindful all the time for a while now. I've not noticed it or maybe I've been in denial, in any case if I'm not present for any length of time it hurts and the only fix is mindfulness, so why bother with any artificial boundaries; it's just cramping my style. I'll keep you posted.

10.50pm
Its been an interesting day. Freed from the tyrany of formal sitting my mind has shifted in and out of mindfulness pretty much of its own accord. I'm noticing a lot of agency (self) as one would expect,but the whole thing appears to be cyclic. I feel more mindful than normal, sometimes it feels 50/50 sometimes 30/70. I wish there was a way to put a clock on it.

19th December
So how is life without the comfort blanket of formal practice? Rather liberating actually, it appears I have been underestimating my ability to be mindful in daily life. It appears to come and go with little prompting from my 'self.' I've had a few spasms of insight disease but rather than bend myself out of shape making space for sitting practice I just 'do' it immediately. The binary nature of consciousness is also very clear at the moment. I suppose most people believe that there are two sets of sensations that happen in parallel, sensations of self and those of not-self and that one observes the other. This is of course incorrect, they are all just events on a continuum, oddly I can see this more clearly off the cushion than on.

20th December
I had some long periods of no-mind while going about my business, it feels normal and natural. It is a revelation how much I was starting to hate my formal sitting practice. I'm sure at some point I will need to go back to it but right now I feel just fine.

23rd December
I've not done any sitting for a few days now, I'm half expecting to lose momentum and drift off from my current awareness. But that is not happening; I'm in and out of some kind of mindfulness all day, sometimes in the least auspicious of circumstances, like playing a computer game for example. The most common awareness is one of no-mind, an awareness this all this stuff is happening and there is no agency to be seen anywhere. This is often accompanied by feelings of wonder. Like how can all this complex stuff be going on and have no guiding intelligence? Amazing. Often the warm fluffiness of Dzogchen arises but 'wonder' is more common at the moment.

30th December
I'm finding it difficult to do any sitting practice for a rather odd reason. I get the insight itch and think 'hmm, time to sit,' then I think 'uh, why not while I'm still doing what I'm doing?' So I spend a while being mindful, in whatever flavour presents itself, and the need goes away.

I'm still not doing any formal sitting practice. The reason is that insight disease is a rather handy tool that keeps you on your toes. If I were to sit it would remove the sting from my daily experience and allow me to lapse. As it is I have an itch that needs constant scratching and, I think, causes me to be more mindful than I would otherwise be. I feel that this is a more productive position to be in. Also I'm finding that I am more able to expore mindfullness in daily life, in fact I feel compelled to do so. Mindfullness when in the prescence of others is much more productive, enjoyable and consistant than it used to be. Also 20 odd years looking at the same (sic) piece of carpet one metre in front of my nose has got decidedly old.

"Me" continues to fade, stuff just happens. Today it is very clear to me that its all just karma and its all just empty. "Why?" is a question I ask a lot and "How?" Followed by "Dunno" then followed by a sense of wonder.