Howard's Practice Notes # 2

I'm still not doing any sitting, there doesn't seam to be any point. There is a strong urge to be present from the moment I wake up. If I drift off too much or too often it feels like i'm drowning or being suffocated. Err...that sounds worse than it is.

Moving on; it is facinating seeing whaat my body/mind gets up too while i'm not looking. Whole categories of TV programs are veroboten these days as the physical responses to them are too strong. I get strong physical sensations that I cannot cagegorise as craving or aversion, the boundaries are becoming increasingly blurred.

All good, though I can't quite belive that nobody notices this process in me.

"Moving on; it is facinating seeing whaat my body/mind gets up too while i'm not looking."

I agree, and for me it is especially interesting to question what was in charge when I wasn't looking, and then what exactly is looking!

Everything and nothing simulteanously. Which is just the kind of gnomic coment that pisses non-meditators off so much. Ho hum.

All as before really, but I am finding that I am dialoging with imaginary people a bit. This is not as psychotic as it sounds. Due to my illness I spend a lot of time on my own, so I have a good opportunity to closely observe those closed loop mental dialoges that occur from time to time. As a well brought up middle class boy, i have been trained to particularly value techincal/intellectual discourse as a good thing in itself and a measure of ones "value" as an individual. As a result I have been finding it paricularly difficult to objecitfy this kind of process. Specificaly ones where I am explaining something complex to a paricularly dim imaginary person, who is of course in awe of my inate superiority. This feels really good (obviously,) and therefore difficult to be present too. I'm finding that by verbalising it I can see its inate emptiness much more clearly; and to see that the words, even the long clever ones, come out of nothing and disappear utterly.

So I'm doing the whole nutty hermit thing on my days off. Eventually I plan to cultivate smelling of wee and frightening small childeren.

My off the cushion adventures continue, however "adventure" is too strong a term, more like a gentle stroll. My practice is deepening almost imperceptibly, hence why I don't post much. I'm still fairly sick so I still have lots of sensations that refuse to be objectified; initially I thought that this would be a problem but this process is like a supertanker now, it just keeps going. No-mind/emptiness is still varied and surprising. I've given up trying to categorise or "measure"it because those kinds of mental games just get in the way. Ditto maps and models. All good.

It's been a while since I last posted mainly because I've had nothing much to report. Now I'm finding that increasing dissatisfaction with my walking around practice is forcing me back to the cushion. Don't get me wrong its all good, its just not enough. In daily life I'd say I'm in no-mind/emptiness for around 25% of the time. Often fairly important decsisions are made in this state and I'm learning to trust this no-mind more as time goes on.

Some states (the more spacious ones) are easier to objectify also some of the not so nice are surprisingly easy to see around. Re-ob feels like I'm surfing a wave of rage a lot of the time, but the intensity of the sensation alows it to be objectified with some reliablilty thus enableing me to respond to people with compassion, even when it feels like I am a the center of a slo-mo explosion. This has the addded benefit of releasing a sparky, can-do energy, which is particularly usefull at work. But its not enough, I want more, so back to the cushion it is.

Hi Howard,

Good to see you out here again. I had noticed that back in December, you had dropped formal practice. Now I see you're back on the cushion. What are you doing for practice these days?

Andy

It's funny now you mention it. I don't actually know. When I stopped doing formal sitting I was doing non-dual using a Mahasi framework. I had a problem in that I was getting really attached to the sensations of Dzogchen and was fairly craving those kinds of experiences. I had to go back to basics and wean myself off of a need to be in Dzogchen whenever my butt hit the cushion. I was automatically putting my metaphorical hand in the cookie jar, as it were. Part of this was the need to constantly prove that I could still attain this because I felt that I would lose the ability if I stopped "doing it" for any reason.

"Doing it" is the problem of course. This was hardening into a false duality between sitting and not-sitting. Sitting good; not sitting bad. This was becoming painful and I was getting rather heated about it. If the scaffolding you are using is becoming the problem then you just have to get rid of it. For me this included the actual physical act of sitting on a cushion. So I dropped all the techniques and just went with bare awareness and let the pieces fall as they may.

What has happened since is a simplification of what I "do" but because it has all been mixed up with driving, cooking, gardening and being on the phone, I have no clear idea what it is. It feels very simple and clean but I cannot put it into words. I know exactly when I am awake and am often aware of when I am not; awake is any of the nyanas or gears. I don't try to condition or shape my awareness too much, being in-the-world takes this level of control away; which is great because you have to accept whatever awakeness is available and be thankful.

I sat down for the first time in a couple of months this morning. I only did half an hour as I don't want to get back into the rut I was in before. And I was careful to try to carry some continuity of mindfulness into and the practice and out the other end. To my surprise the practice was pretty much the same as when I'm walking around. I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing. I suppose I will just have to find out.

Okay so my practice is in a time warp right now. When I first stated practicing, this was in the late 80's, Icould'nt find a decent teacher of any description and books only got me so far. So I kind of drifted away from sitting and started to fall in love with various yogas, hatha (of course) but also kria, pranayama and mantra (chanting can really blow the top of your head off.) But I rapidly discovered that these practices were giving rise to all kindsof bonkers senstations. I didn't know much about chackras and energy channels then. To be blunt, this stuff was really messing with my life, i found my self saying really inappropriate things and not understanding why people were looking at me strange. Without realising what was going on I went back to the cushion, more as a survival instinct. I had connected my odd behaviour with the odd sensations arising from my yoga. I wanted to take a good look at them before releasing them in to the wild. What happened was that I got lots and lots of insight arising almost immediately, of course I thought I was enlightened or something (so embarassing.)

So this was my practice for about ten years, do yoga until weird stuff happens then watch it really closely. So when I bumped into Goenka's teachings it felt like I had come home. And also there was no longer any need to artificially generate "weird stuff" to observe. All stuff is weird if you look closely enough. Result.

Now with my latest CFS relapse I'm finding my life full of weird sensations as the syptoms of my illness come and go. Often they are the most obvious thing going on in my sensory awarness, so thats what my meditation support is. Just like old times.

Here's a turn up for the books. I've suddenly decided to go back to basics and do the Jhana thing. I say sudden, this is an issuse that comes back like a bad penny. I know very little about Samatha practice and have felt the lack for many years. When I got stream entry I said on the DHO that I felt like a graduate who knew nothing about the subject that he just qualified in; now that i'm giving instruction I feel like a priest who cannot read Latin.

I do this sometimes in everything that I do in life. I have a strong desire to go to the begining and work up from first principals. One reason why I have put this off for so long is that Jhana does't get you enlightened (apparantly) but my off the cushion momentary concentration is pretty good right now so I feel that I have some space to experiment.

An early problem is my ingrained habit of vippassana. My mind want to notice all sensations all the time, not just a few around my left nostril, so my mind gets distracted but a bigger problem is noticing non-nasal sensations all the time. I know this is not "bad," but i'm not sure how to deal with this skillfully.

On balance, I'm very happy with this new turn. I have increased motivation to practice and it represents a "project" that does not require me to expend too much physical energy at this stage in my recovery. I'm not blind to the advertised health benefits of Jhana either.

Dear all
So its been about a month since I went off on my Jhana excursion, I thought maybe people might be interested in my findings. I was a bit nervous. As a long time Insight practicioner with little tranquility practice I assumed that the journey would be difficult. The answer, as with so much in life, is yes and no.

I did not realise how much fun tranquiltiy can be whether or not you attain to any Jhanas. It is supremely relaxing and just makes you grin a lot. About a week ago I realised that is does not matter to me so much whether or not I get into this or that Jhana. It seams that as the mind fundimentaly transient and beyond my contol, it is pointless to force the issue. The trick is to get your concentation solid and see where the ride takes you. For me this was all over the place. I seemed to access 1 to 4 in no particular order, but with 3 and 4 popping up more the sit progressed. I'm pretty sure I got in to some of the formless Jhanas experiencing things like, closeness, flatness and distance as distinct objects. This was rare however, most of the time is was 1 to 4 and is enough for me at the moment.

I got fairly frustrated by how unstable the lower Jhanas are but this passed when I read that 1 and 2 are inherently unstable anyway. I also relaxed when I realised that most (all?) of the sensations of Jhana are encountered within insight practice. This makes perfect sense when you think about it because in Samatha you are focusing on a small subset of all sensations and choosing to abide in them.

This last point is why I have stopped Jhana for a while. I found myself drifting away from momentary mindfulness off the cushion. Previously this was strong but has waned since i have been doing just samatha. I did some insight today and my general "awakeness" has snapped back like an overstretched rubber band. I'm not very skilled at combining both practices just yet and will return to samatha at a later date when I've built up some mometum.Interesting stuff though

Equanimity arrived like a freight train about an hour ago. I've had sniffs of it over the last few weeks but all very fleeting. This time was unmistakable. I got there last summer, it never really stuck despite my best efforts but this time it feels much stronger. I've had a strong suspicion that I've been in DN territory for a while. Elements of my illness, when examined forensicaly, have proved to be illusion. There is a hard phisiological core to be sure, but a substantial portion of it is just candy floss. I suppose I have been hacking at this paricular thicket for a while and there has appeared to be no end to it. But during the last week I have had a series of realisations about how the progress of insight is in its self a product of "self" and fueled by dissatisfaction. I think this is a product of the Jhana practice I did, but the upshot has been a renewed facination the process of cognition itself and a renewed sense of purpose resulting from that. Anyway, here I am in equanimity, I assume, lets see if it sticks.

Thanks for the update, Howard. I always enjoy reading about your progress. Just want to chime in how valuable it is to remember, as often as possible, that "this too, is just a lens that happens to be operating at this moment." It's good to develop the habit of considering all states as having the same status as all others. Even equanimity is just another conditioned state and will wax and wane according to conditions. It's odd and perhaps counter-intuitive, but the deepest freedom comes from not needing anything, including freedom.

Point of clarification (technical dharma geek alert!): I'm not sure what you mean about the first two jhanas being inherently unstable? My own observation is that all the jhanas are extremely stable, as states go, but that the in-between strata of mind, i.e., nanas 2,3,6,7,8,9, and 10 are unstable, which is why they are not considered jhanas even though they are strata of mind just like nanas 1,4,5, and 11, which correspond to jhanas 1,2,3, and 4, respectively.

"Thanks for the update, Howard. I always enjoy reading about your progress. Just want to chime in how valuable it is to remember, as often as possible, that "this too, is just a lens that happens to be operating at this moment." It's good to develop the habit of considering all states as having the same status as all others. Even equanimity is just another conditioned state and will wax and wane according to conditions. It's odd and perhaps counter-intuitive, but the deepest freedom comes from not needing anything, including freedom.




Point of clarification (technical dharma geek alert!): I'm not sure what you mean about the first two jhanas being inherently unstable? My own observation is that all the jhanas are extremely stable, as states go, but that the in-between strata of mind, i.e., nanas 2,3,6,7,8,9, and 10 are unstable, which is why they are not considered jhanas even though they are strata of mind just like nanas 1,4,5, and 11, which correspond to jhanas 1,2,3, and 4, respectively."

Kenneth
"Thanks for the update, Howard. I always enjoy reading about your progress"

Howard
Your've welcome

Kenneth
"Just want to chime in how valuable it is to remember, as often as possible, that "this too, is just a lens that happens to be operating at this moment." It's good to develop the habit of considering all states as having the same status as all others. Even equanimity is just another conditioned state and will wax and wane according to conditions. It's odd and perhaps counter-intuitive, but the deepest freedom comes from not needing anything, including freedom."

Howard
Does this mean that it would be unskillfull to grasp at this development, or attempt to cultivate it in any way?

Kenneth
Point of clarification (technical dharma geek alert!): I'm not sure what you mean about the first two jhanas being inherently unstable? My own observation is that all the jhanas are extremely stable, as states go, but that the in-between strata of mind, i.e., nanas 2,3,6,7,8,9, and 10 are unstable, which is why they are not considered jhanas even though they are strata of mind just like nanas 1,4,5, and 11, which correspond to jhanas 1,2,3, and 4, respectively."

Howard
I am a newbie with respect to Jhana and have only the haziest idea about what I'm doing. I have wondered weather some of my Jhanas are just access concentration or not. But I hear people talk about soft Jhana where all the factors are there but all the awarness of the five senses is there too. So I am confused. Also the appearance of distracting thoughts and unpleasant sensations along with Jhana factors do these just "stop" the the gate to Jhana or just fade out. I have experienced both and again I am confused

I've done just under two hours this morning and feel no sense of effort or obligation. Mindful of Kenneth's advice, I sit with no agenda, resolveing to notice sensations as they arise with no particular technique. All sensations appear to suggest peace, space and tranquility. This appears to be because percention seems to have relaxed and speeded up; the the itch on my elbow is percieved concurently with the ticking clock and the relationship between them is inherently spacious and pleasant. This awarness is available pretty much from the moment I sit down and is fairly consistant. I know that I must be cycling throught the nyanas but I see no evidence of this. So nice to get some peace and quiet.

Another hour of pleasant spaciousness, then a half hour of the Re-ob vortex. After a while I got a bead on the thing and it stabalised into a blast of pure rage shooting out of the top of my head, originating from my solar plexus, very little narritive just sensation. Then I realised I was investing in it too much and remembered to breathe. After that it was all space and peace again. Strange, but not unfamiliar.

9.30AM, 30mins
After yesterday's ups and downs I feel really awful this morning. So I was not expecting great things from my practice, when I felt like this there was a lot to objectifiy after all. I only did half an hour and it did take a while to wade through my stuff, but pretty soon a gentle space opened up around the nyanic cycle and there was a definite sense of me watching it in a larger space. Also an awareness that this has to be an illusion, but I just went with it. I was distracted for a while but when I came back there was a sudden stong visceral intensity to all my sensory data, as if the affect had been turned up to eleven. I was'nt exactly pleasant or unpleasant but was "a ride" if you will. After yesterday I would be more inclined to place myself at A&P but what has gone before feel too much like DN to be sure. Best not to dwel too much on this probably. Still feeling like crap incidently.

I decided to take it easy for the rest of the day and "only" did an hour and a half more. I want to sit all the time at the moment but yesterday's brain fart has given me pause. That said, the rest of the days' sessions have been a very calm and orderly progress up and down the nyanas. I've not had this much clarity for a long time and the change is nice. The shifts from nyana to nyana are often very noticable and feels like looking through the view finder of a camera and watching the auto focus adjust itself, but with the whole senory field and including mental disposition. A couple of times I experimented a bit by trying to hold my self in re-ob when the thing was busting to go to equanimity, it went eventully but it was a fun thing to try to stop it.

16th April
7.30am 30mins
A bit muddy this morning compared to last night but very clean compared to most other mornings. Up and down the nyanas, got a bit stuck in Re-ob at one point.

8pm, 40mins
As above, but with much greater clarity. Nice

17th April
3am, 30mins
I couldn't sleep due to digestive pain. I thought sitting might help, so I tried to cultivate Dzogchen around the pain with some success. It seemed to help.

9am, 30mins
Still in a lot of pain. Observing nyanas is problematic when pain is pronounced, it tends to blot everything out. Normally my approach is to rest my attention on the discomfort and try to generate a bit of space around it. Sometimes this draws me into Dzogchen sometimes not. But the nyanas are also visible through the haze. Desire for Deliverance is pronounced, as you would expect, but the others too. It's all a bit sketchy though.

12.30pm, 30mins
I had a persistent sensation of mild anxiety mixed with elation emanating from the front of my body about an inch under the skin, from my neck to my abdomen. I created some space around this and used it as my meditation support. Worked fine.

18th April
10am, 40mins
I had a persistent sense of spaciousness throughout. Constricting sensations would arise, sometimes with narrative sometimes not. But these would fade back into the spaciousness eventually.

2pm, 40mins
Messy and distracted, felt like re-ob in the second half, in fact it probably was re-ob.

19th April
11am, 40mins
Very stable, spacious and tranquil from the get-go, but also rather distracted which was irritating.

11pm, 40mins
As above, but I was getting pretty sick of the distractions. So I had a go at trying to remain aware of as many sense doors as possible at the same time, trying to create a 360 sensory field. It worked moderately well.