Howard's Practice Notes # 2

16th June
10am, 40mins
A bit messy, as is usual for my first sit. But I had an A&P that showed up really strongly, but I don't think I rose above RE-OB this time.

4pm, 1hr
Wall of drowsiness followed by EQ.

9pm, 40mins
As above but without the drowsiness and the EQ was a bit messy. To clarify, when sat that I'm in EQ or RE-OB, I still cycle up and down the nyanas; sometimes they are clear sometimes less so; but there is a prevailing tone or perspective and it is this that I am referring too. At this point in my practice this shift in tone from RE-OB to EQ and back is so marked that it often becomes the main focus of my interest, hence why I bang on about it so much.

Can you move back and forth at will, or does it just happen?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. When RE-OB is really ripe I experience it as a feeling of intense, almost exquisite tension in my central channel. At the cusp of EQ it come It comes in waves that dissolve into spaciousness. Sometimes I can just remember that spaceiousness is always there and trigger the dissipation "manually," I think this is probably and illusion though. The problem I experience with RE-OB is that the transition to EQ comes without warning and often when I am heartily sick of RE-OB, I think that may be the point of it. It feels perverse but it may be that mind has to be so desperate that it will embrace almost anything. And is has to be conditioned in this way to be willing to accept EQ as a possibility. This all sounds like conceptualising after the fact, but I think the short answer to your question it not really, it takes its own sweet time. If you have any short cuts let me know.

Wow. Will do, but so far, no. Thanks!

17th June
7.20am, 1hr
My frame of reference was relaxed and expansive this morning. Concentration was good and relaxed, so I figured I'd do a full hour. Nothing spectacular but nice enough.

8.30pm, 1hr
So, I used to do and hour every morning before breakfast and an hour as soon as I got in from work. That worked great for years, then I got sick and it went out the window. So today felt new/old and weird/comfortable. This session felt very 'heavy' phenomenologically, lots of energy stuff.

18th June
7am, 1hr
I had forgotten the benefits of sitting for an hour first thing. With anything less, the mind can tend to drift towards breakfast and hot showers. There is an 'only 10 mins to go' quality. With a one hour sit it becomes 'until further notice,' which is much more conducive. The session itself felt like EQ for most of the time. I had all kinds of stuff arise, grotty and not so grotty, but all of it dissolved fairly quickly. However at this time in the morning I always have difficulty seeing what the thing that it all dissolves into i.e. spaciousness. Later in the day spaciousness has specific characteristics that can be noticed, but my 'bed head' mind is unable to perceive this for some reason. Still it is what it is and that is fine.

10pm, 1hr
Deep rich equanimity. There is no mistaking this one. I was in it almost immediately and stayed there for pretty much the whole sit.

19th June
8am, 1hr
Deep and abiding EQ, pretty much from the get go. I also had all kinds of sensations of metta and sympathetic joy, but seen from and equanimous perspective. I'm not sure that is actually possible but, well, that's what it looked like.

11am, 1hr
If anything this was even more intense. Lots of metta and other good stuff arose that appeared to dissolve into EQ just like everything else. This had the effect of turbo charging the sense of space and peace. Words that I am normally very wary of using like 'suchness' spring to mind, this had a heavy tainted quality. It was almost too much to handle, but I kind of hung on. I remember episodes like this from last time around so I'm not unsettled by it. There is a hyper-real quality creeping into my normal consciousness now whether I'm practicing or not. Again I remember this, so no big deal.

20th June
10am, 1hr
Same as yesterday, including the intensity, which turns out to be DN stuff from a different perspective. My initial reaction was one of 'who dares to trespass in my perfect garden of equanimity!' But life goes on right?

4pm & 7pm, 2 x30mins
I was sitting in unfamiliar environments. Was all a bit strange.

21st June
2pm, 1hr
Mainly DN but from an EQ perspective.

6pm, 1hr
As above but with lots of drowsiness. At about the 40 min mark, the whole experience became much more relaxed and lighter. It felt like my cutting edge had moved a bit.

22nd June
8am, 30mins
I was in a lot of physical discomfort today. It's always difficult to know what's going on in these circumstances. Just note the discomfort and make the hard yards.

2pm, 1hr
Much more pleasant, I got a whole lot that 'suchness' stuff, which I am assuming it the incidence of Jhana factors in a vippassana practice. Ring any bells anyone?

6pm, 40mins
I had lots of strong energy movements especially during the second half, but my mind was fairly tranquil throughout.

23rd June
8.30am, 30mins
Awful.
11am, 40mins
Not so awful, but not great either.

4pm, 40mins
This was all rather pleasant and spacioius but also rather distracted, some drowsiness too.

24th June
8.30am, 40mins
It's becoming pretty clear that my practice is becoming a bit too precious and I need to dial down the intensity a bit. Noting mind states appears to be a good way to go, as that is often where the problem lies. I'm going to note silently for a while and perhaps notice more than note. This particular session was fairly relaxed and expansive. I got 'stuck' a few times but nothing too problematic.

11am, 30mins
It's also clear that my a false dichotomy of practice vs not-practice has crept in to my awareness. This is making me very rigid on the cushion. Noticing mind states is helping me see the tension inherent within this that is limiting my practice. I find myself softening towards may 'problems' with my practice and suddenly they are no longer problems; like drowsiness for example. I was resisting these sensations and setting up a duality that made it worse. This particular practice was nice and relaxing I don't want to say any more than that.

5pm, 40mins
I was fairly relaxed about my own suffering.

10pm, 30mins
Really intense, luminous, expansiveness.

25th June
8am, 40mins
Felt really awful, up and down the nyanas. Yadda.

2pm, 40mins
I had a persistent sensation of tension in my arms and lower torso. I was happy to use this as my primary focus, but kept nodding off.

8pm, 40mins
All very nice and fluffy, a bit distracted though.

26th June
8.20am, 40mins
Lovely soft practice, I'm losing interest as to what nyana I may or may not be in. This is probably a good thing. I drifted into Dzogchen towards the end, mainly as a response to the leaf blower that had started up outside my window.

11am, 40mins
More Dzogchen, I'm assuming Dzogchen though it doesn't seem to matter very much. So I ended up doing Mahamudra noting for the whole session. If this is the way my practice is going there seems to be no point fighting it.

3pm, 40mins
Mahamudra noting again, v. nice.

9pm, 30mins
As above but a bit too distracted. Not very satisfactory. Hmmpf.

27th June
7.30am, 40mins; 2pm, 30mins
I was very busy at work today, so I like to keep things simple on days like this. Just first gear, nothing particularly exciting happened.

28th June
9am & 1pm, 40mins x 2
I had only the softest attention to a very simple meditation support, I had no need of anything stronger as a beautifully soft, and spacious goldenness opened up around me with no preamble or effort. I investigated this to ensure that it was not Jhana but the affect of sensations only fuelled and strengthened this experience. It was very stable and quite intoxicating but also very clean and pure. Dzogchen or EQ? No idea, don't care.

7pm, 40mins
As above but not quite so pleasant

29th June
8.30m, 40mins
The same as yesterday really. Not quite so nice and my mind was a bit chatty, but the expansiveness was there when I looked.

2pm, 40mins
More spaciousness and peace, I find that this has an 'always on' quality today. I find that I go looking for it and have to be careful to notice this craving.

4.30pm, 40mins
As above, I had less craving this time, sensations just coming and going; but also a bit dreamy and lacking focus. At one point I felt like a crocodile with just my nose and eyes above the surface of events. Quite cool actually.

10pm, 40mins
Less spacious early on more a simple 1st gear approach.

30th June
8am, 40mins
Not bad, spacious yada, peaceful yada yada.

11am, 40mins
I suppose one way of looking at this session would be to say that a lot of suffering arose. My preferred interpretation would be to say that lots of no-self sensations arose.

5pm, 40mins
Ist half, all about falling asleep; second half, all about suffering, or is it in fact about no-self sensations? Hmmm, it's interesting observing the mind trying to figure out whether it's suffering or not. Like poking an insect with a stick to see what it will do;

10pm, 40mins
Nice spacious golden stuff. I was oddly dissatisfied though.

1st July
7.30am, 40mins
The mind was pretty sluggish this morning, 1st gear all the way.

11pm, 40mins
*Warning*False path moment alert. So I had just watched the Spanish win the European Football Championship in massive style and was reluctant to sit. But as soon as I sat down I noticed spaciousness much stronger than usual, it felt almost complete and perfect. I very quickly became very focused and became absorbed into a lighting effect. Then my visual field 'hardened' and I felt as if I was solid white light, but only my 'bottom' half, all a bit odd. Then I felt as if I was being pushed up into a new space, where my hands look like they are cast in bronze, my body is exploding in a million different places at once and everything is so beautiful, even the ****** stuff. It's almost too good to be true, like a cliché of a very good drugs experience. Which is why I doubt it. The path moment was rather un-path like, but then so was stream entry. This experience is persistent though, it's been half an hour and I'm still cast in bronze and exploding ect. Concentration is effortless and distractions arise but appear to be so flimsy as to be not worthy of the effort required to see past them. I really want to stay up and explore this but I am so tired after a long day at work that I have to go to bed. But can I sleep? Maybe I will be posting again in an hour or so. My mind has just stopped.

I so mis-managed my stream entry through crippling doubt, that I almost made a nasty mess. Any advice would be very gratefully received. If this ain't it, cool, but I really want to avoid the silliness that I put myself through last time.

Ha ha! It was just a jhana! Wow what a ride, no wonder people get so hung up on them.

How were you able to figure that out? Sounds really interesting. Also, how can a person mis-manage stream entry?

Doesn't sound like any jhana I've experienced : )

Please, do elaborate on the after-effects.

When I read your description I have to say the thing that came to my mind was "A&P experience." Not jhana. But who knows?

Curiouser and curiouser. I have very little experience of Jhana so best take that with a pinch of salt, the comment should read ''¦not path, something else.'
Interesting that you say A&P I had not considered that, but today felt like DN culminating in a stable but rather unpleasant session in what I have come to assume is Re-Ob,
so A&P sounds like a good bet. I suppose the main thing about last night was the sense of discontinuity, over the last week or so my practice has become progressively
more stable, spacious and pleasant. Then I get this sudden (we assume) A&P spike out of the blue. Is this normal? I know 'anything' can happen, theoretically, at any time,
but I do feel a bit confused.

"How were you able to figure that out? Sounds really interesting. Also, how can a person mis-manage stream entry?"

I'm not sure I have figured it out actually. Mismanaged SE? Hmm, let me count the ways. The basic problem was that I was seeing all kinds of interesting stuff that I did not
understand, and I had no teacher to explain what was going on. So although the first couple of days after SE were fascinating I was also in denial about it and was unable to
manage my understanding of it for myself. This resulted in a state of profound dissonance that would not resolve itself. Basically, I was stuck in Re-Ob at the end of the first
progress of insight after SE. I got really desperate and posted a cry for help on the DHO, Tarin Greco responded and guided me through to my first fruition. After that things
settled and I cycled for about 10 days, then it stopped. I then started to doubt my attainment again and was pretty touchy about it until Kenneth finally grounded me 6 months
later. Threads are here, it you are interested.

www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...19_keywords%3DHoward

and

www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...tor%3Dtrue%26cur%3D2