Howard's Practice Notes # 2

2nd October
9.30am, 30mins
I tried staying in bed and meditating again this morning but it is much the better option to get up and move around. I managed to establish mindfulness during the ten minutes that I spent pottering around before sitting down. I don't think it changed my effected my sitting practice that much, which was fairly focused, which moved up and down the gears, like yesterday.

Starting last night I started trying to be mindful when watching telly. This proved to be surprisingly easy. I seem to be on a one or two minute cycle of mindfulness and distraction. The same is true this morning; I'm still off sick so I will have plenty of time to explore this. I'm in two minds as to whether to up the sitting practice seeing as the off the cushion is going fairly well.

4pm, 30mins
I have extreme and crippling anxiety all day which made it very difficult to stay in the body. When I came to sit I was able to 'inhabit' the sensation and stopped suffering from it at this point, so I'm assuming 3rd gear. As soon as I got up the anxiety was just as before.

3rd October
10am, 30mins
The same as yesterday morning, tried meditating in bed, failed, got up, sat, unpleasant sensations, embodied them, 3rd gear, yada.

1pm, 40mins
Ping-pong noting with a friend, 3rd gear, yada.

4th October
10am, 30mins
Unpleasant sensations in 1st gear; bummer.

6pm, 30mins
More unpleasant physical sensations, but this time I was up and down the gears.

5th October
9.30am, 30mins
Staying in the body, up and down the gears, I'm not sure because I was not paying too much attention.

5pm, 30mins
I was doing 5 points practice and managing to stay in the body fairly consistently. It's a bit like 3rd gear but not really. Hmmm.

6th October
9am, 30mins
I stayed just with physical sensations today, I'm trying not to reference everything to the 3 gears, as I don't think it's helping. 'Don't know mind' and all that.

5pm, 30mins
Pretty much the same as above.

8th October
10am, 30mins
The one was all 1st gear, I was staying firmly in the body. I spent no time or energy wondering about gears or nyanas. I'm keen to 'forget' all of that for a while.

6pm & 10pm, 2 X 30mins
More of the same, there really is nothing more to report

9th October
8am, 30mins
I'm supposed to be doing 'direct mode,' but it feels like 1st gear but only noting physical sensations. I find that I'm 'bossing' my attention, so if I notice say a sound I will only note the physical component (the affect) and then notice/note the physical sensation of the bossing. Dunno.

10am, 30mins
The problem is that I'm not doing enough sitting to get enough momentum up. I can do more at the moment so I intend to. This time was very nice; I had the feeling that there was nothing I would rather do than notice physical sensations.

5pm, 40mins
Ping-pong noting with a friend. More of that, 'why would I want to be doing anything else? Feeling.

11th October
10am, 30mins
It started rather badly as I was in a lot of pain, pretty soon however, all physical sensations became okay, pleasant in fact even the grotty ones. Towards the end I was allowing a lot of anxiety; if I went into these sensations deeply, they would expand rather like a flower and became just another random collection of physical sensations.

4pm, 30mins
As above, except that I was doing the 'opening flower' thing with itches. Generally, these are a doorway into much more complex sets of sensations.

Midnight, ?mins
So, my illness continues to entertain. For those who are new to my thread, I have Chronic Fatiuge Syndrome; a viral/neurological disorder (nobody is sure) with a whole raft of daft symptoms. One of which is a veritable cornucopia of physical weird sensate stuff. As I am supposed to be noticing physical sensations at the moment a la 'direct mode,' this should be a bonus. And I suppose it is, except, of course, if you are trying to get to sleep. In this instance it is like trying to sleep with a brass band playing under your skin. After long hard experience I know that the only way around this is to accept and immerse yourself in the sensations fully, sound familiar? So you have to meditate yourself to sleep, sounds cool right?

The problems arise because some of these sensations are rather frightening, and fear has a rather visceral physiological component which is amplified by the illness; so the 'base' illness related sensations are complicated by all kinds of hot sweats, cold chills and other hormonal washes. And of course the more you 'accept and immerse' yourself in these sensations the more weirdness you see.

(cont)
Eventually after moving through various levels of ickyness you get to a state where the body appears to dissolve and all sensations are just a generalised field of awareness. Its a bit like a mild hallucinogenic drugs experience but not as cool. The body/mind starts to relax and blissful sensations arise. Finally you can drift off to sleep while the body quietly goes bananas in the background. It's an awful lot of work for a nights' rest.

I'm only having a relapse at the moment but when I was properly sick this went on for 3 years or so. I got quite good at it, but it took me a couple of hours last night to remember what to do. And an couple more to actually steel my nerve to do it. Let's hope It's only a one off, though somehow I doubt that.

11th October
10am, 30mins
This was all a bit of an anti-climax after last night. Just 1st gear body awareness.

7pm, 30mins
That, 'why would I want to be doing anything else?' thing.

10pm, 30mins
More of the same, but with a stable buzzing, tingly field awareness, nice.

12th October
9am, 30mins
1st gear, nothing spectacular.

10pm, 30mins
A fairly stable, full body awareness, I was a bit distracted though

13th October
9am, 30mins
Eventually, I managed to get up to some kind of full body awareness, but it was all a bit ragged.

4pm, 30mins
Again, this was a bit ragged, as I was serially interrupted. But I was able to get to some kind of full body awareness

14th October
10am, 30mins
This one was not too bad, I got to some kind of whole body awareness and was able to stay there with some reliability.

12.30pm, 30mins
I think I'm coming down with a cold, which added to my CFS leads to a warm buzzy, but very tired place. I stayed with this fairly easily for the full half hour.

11.30pm, 30mins
Ping-pong noting with a friend, followed by an unusually honest exchange of opinions. Sometimes that's what it's all about.

15th October
8am, 20mins
I did this one directly on waking, while still in bed. It works fine except for a tendency to drift off back to sleep. For this reason, out-loud works best.

9.30am, 30mins
Formal sitting as usual, but oddly, I was nowhere near as focused as when practicing in bed.

16th October
2.30pm, 30mins
This was a bit late in the day for a first sitting, but not too bad. I had a migraine after this so no more today.

17th October
9am, 30mins
1st gear, nothing very spectacular

5pm, 40mins
1st gear but much nicer.

9pm, 30mins
Sod this, I'm still rather sick. I might as well do the practice that gives suffering the bum's rush, so back to Dzogchen I go; what a relief. And none of this sitting in Burmese silliness, flat on my back from now on, works just fine.

18th October
8.30am, 30mins
Flat-on-my-back Dzogchen again. It appears that although I have sat in Burmese for years and find it very comfortable there is a small amount of energy required to maintain it. In my current state of health, I often do not even have the energy for this. So my day is spent waiting for the right moment to sit, as my illness is unpredictable, this can get quite stressful. I'm done with that for the time being; its flat-on-my-back Dzogchen all the way now.

11am, 30mins
Mainly Witness with a few flashes of Dzogchen, all flat-on-my-back of course, what a relief.

3pm, 30mins
Much more difficult this time, I was experiencing all kinds of physical sensations that I used to call grief, anger, fear ect. I suppose I still do in a way but only if I let them get beyond the physical. Long story short, 1st gear, ho-hum.

19th October
8am, 30mins
This started in a fairly messy and fragmented 1st gear but ended up in a pretty solid Witness, so a happy ending then.

2pm, 40mins
Sometimes Dzogchen is like 1st gear. Sensations are fragmented and sequential but also perfect, joyful and spontaneous. Even the nasty ones.

1.45pm, 40mins
I kept falling asleep, so I had to stay firmly in the body. The impulse to sleep appeared to be a uniform, standing wave of anxiety encompassing the whole body.

20th October
9.30am, 40mins
I was either in a very strong Witness or totally distracted, flipping between like a light going on or off. I used ships in the harbour to get into emptiness towards the end because de-bunking the observer was not working.

1pm, 40mins
Witness was strong again; I was trying many ways of getting in to 3rd gear. Some of my techniques are a bit rusty but I had some success.

11pm, 40mins
Strong Witness, but fairly distracted. Emptiness was close, but just out of reach apart from one lengthy spell.

21st October
9am, 30mins
'Nowhere to go, nothing to do,' sometimes the awareness of this reality can be quite disturbing.

4pm, 40mins
This one was all very messy, I got flashes of 2nd and 3rd gear all the way through until it stabilised into a solid experience of emptiness 10mins before the end.

12pm, 30mins
Messy and unsatisfactory.

'Nowhere to go, nothing to do,' sometimes the awareness of this reality can be quite disturbing.

-Yes. I invented a practice (Im sure its based on something Joko said) that leads there for me, one where I ask the question 'what am I adding to my experience?' every 15 seconds or so, and look to see what is being added. After some time of doing this the additions start to drop as the question is answered, and experience gets simpler and simpler, but this interesting sort of fear arises, as the mind starts to see that it has no more gainful employment... - Not sure that practice would lead to any kind of transformation though.

Maybe existential terror? I think may be that the desire to 'do' is absurdly strong. When you are sitting you can't 'do' anything, so you have to 'wish' instead. And when the narritive mind shuts down, that option is gone too, so we are left with just the visceral need, unadorned and clearly visible. Sorry i've just re-phrased what you have just said,
but
"Not sure that practice would lead to any kind of transformation though."

I disagree, i think this is exactly what you need to look at, and in microscopic detail. This is where the growth is, its a rough ride though.

H

22nd October
10am, 30mins
I feel pretty awful this morning and was not up to vipassana, so I did a half hour relaxation tape instead. Feels like cheating, but it is better than nothing and it does actually work.

8pm, 1hour
To do a whole hour is such a relief; I had lots of 2nd and 3rd gear too, very happy.

11.30pm, 30mins
Mmmm, lovely, lovely, Dzogchen

23rd October
9am, 30mins
More of the same. I'm doing 'debunking the observer' at the moment. All I do is allow physical, visual and aural sensations to be noticed all at the same time. This appears to allow no space for the self to exist, it sounds simple, but I have spent a week looking for a way in. The real difference is that I have some momentum now. Also it does feel that I light has come on in my head, I have no other way to describe it.

5pm, 25mins
Just that relaxation tape again.

10pm, 30mins
De-bunking the observer again, nice.

24th October
9am, 30mins
Relaxation tape

7pm, 40mins
2nd gear some 3rd

25th October
9am, 30mins
Relaxation tape.

4pm, 1 hour
This was an odd one. I was very distracted but also had intense sensations of bliss and joy; also I was up and down gears for the whole time.

10pm, 30mins
Recently when I am in Dzogchen there is an emerging sensation of transparency. In that my mind/body is transparent to sensation. There is also a feeling that the sense doors are entirely separate and unconnected; that there is clear space between them.

26th October
10am, 30mins
1st gear mainly, a bit of second; but I was fairly focused.

4pm, 1hour
This was mainly 3rd gear except at the end when it all got a bit unpleasant and I had to go back to 1st.

27th October
10am, 30mins
Nothing too exciting, 1st gear and a bit of second.

4pm, 1 hour
I was fairly distracted, but when I was not I was in this place half way between 2nd and third gear. Eventually it solidified into 3rd duing the last 15mins when I moved from debunking the observer to 'ships in the harbour.'

28th October
10am and 4pm, 30mins
Yesterday I was discussing with Kenneth managing discomfort with respect to illness. What transpired appears to be a way of dealing with discomfort in general. One of the problems with Dzogchen practice is what to do with physical sensations that refuse to be seen as empty. This is not such a problem with pleasant sensations, but pain and discomfort can seriously derail any sense of emptiness that may have been generated with respect to hearing or seeing.

The solution appears to be 'direct mode' where one resolutely locks-on to the physical and hangs on like a bulldog. Occasionally discomfort appears to transform into something else. Most of the suffering comes from tying to compartmentalise the sensations, if you let them be, but also push into them, the discomfort expands and suffuses the whole body. This is not exactly pleasant but not exactly unpleasant either. It's a bit like drinking a vintage French wine. Sometimes good wine is so old and mature that it tastes nothing like wine anymore. Each sip is a new and unique, pleasant and unpleasant are words that no longer have any meaning. It's the same with direct mode.

However there is a place beyond this, Kenneth describes it like feeling that your heart is breaking, this sounds a bit cheesy but to be honest it's an exact description. The heart feels like it is expanding beyond its physical boundaries, hence the 'breaking' bit. And it is beautiful.

Thanks so much for sharing this, Howard. Many people will find it useful, I'm sure.