Howard's Practice Notes # 2

Sounds good, you are way ahead of me on the showering front. I sometimes find it easy to be "awake" when talking to people, I just have to remember to focus in on the sensations of my lips moving. Then the words just appear to come out of nowhere and I am sometimes overcome with wonderment, its just remembering to focus on my lips that is the problem. Bah.

11th May
11am, 30mins
No practice yesterday, so there was some catching-up to do here. Uneventful.

3pm, 20mins
This one was also uneventful and rudely interrupted when I had to rush off to work. But there then followed a long period of sustained mindfulness that lasted until about 6pm. It was not unbroken but I had a strong desire to get back into it as soon as my concentration wandered. I've not had such a sustained period for a long time.

11pm, 30mins
I had very strong sensations of cold body rushes and tingles all over for the whole half hour. My vision was substantially distorted for much of the time and perception itself appeared to be pulsing at certain points.

12th May
7.30am, 30mins
Lots of strong energy movements in my central column, which is unusual so early in the morning.

11.30am, 30mins
Heavy, dense, re-ob again.

8pm, 1hr
Up and down the nyanas, nothing special.

13th May
8.30am, 30mins
The standard early morning practice experience.

2pm, 1hr
This one was a bit bananas for the first forty minutes. First my mind was concentrated but the objects it followed were constantly changing and or morphing. Then the mind settled on physical sensations which then also went bananas with all kinds of rushes, shivers and surges. Eventually it became plain that fear was the problem so I made a conscious effort to relax and very quickly space opened up around the process and a peacefulness arose. So it looks as if I'm still on the re-ob/eq boundary.

6pm, 30mins
Ping-Pong noting with a friend.

14th May
7.15am, 40mins
Nice, relaxed, spacious, but nothing special.

5pm, 40mins and off the cushion
Re-ob and yet more re-ob. Tedious in the extreme.

8pm, 40mins
The fight has gone out of me this time. Instead of a ball of rage in my solar area, I have a generalised diffuse; vibratory itching that is deeply unpleasant and feels like I'm being nipped by little bugs. Awful, but my mind is quite happy to abide in it even drifted off to sleep once or twice. I remember this from last time around. Last time I did not know what was going on and was rather scared. This time I'm just resigned. God how I hate re-ob.

15th May
9am, 40mins
So very tired, I really don't care what nyana I'm in, or whether I'm spacious or anything, too tired. Quite concentrated though.

2pm, 1hr
Although this was not a particularly interesting practice, it was very focused and an hour felt like no big deal. Standard first gear stuff.

11pm, 20mins
Not too bad considering the hour.

16th May
7.30am, 30mins
The standard early morning experience.

1pm, 40mins
Ping pong noting with a friend. We are regular partners now and the pace is picking up. It was really fast today.

Off the cushion
I had another long period of strong mindfulness. I was shopping in town with someone I work with. Very nice.

17th May
8am, 30mins
Early morning ho-humness.

12.30, 45mins
This was nice, up and down the nyanas and all against a back drop of very deep spaciousness. I got to that 'bored in equanimity' stage, so I decided to push on concentration wise and was rewarded with some pleasant SFX.

11pm, 30mins
Sensations suspended in lovely golden spaciousness. Too tired to enjoy it though.

18th May
9.15am, 30mins
Normally after a period of spacious practice I'm tossed back in the fiery abyss of ro-ob and forced to smell my own socks. Not so today, today was very peaceful. Normally my early morning practice is about cleaning the pipes and building some momentum, but today I was straight in to what felt like equanimity and I stayed there for the whole session. The nyanas cycled of course, its just that that activity was played out in a large space.

11am, 45mins
As above but more so.

5pm, 45mins
The same. Has my centre of gravity finally shifted to EQ? We will see.

19th May
8.30am, 30mins
Pretty relaxed and spacious. My off the cushion practice has taken a hit though. This usually happens when something shifts on the cushion, it should settle in a few days.

2pm, 45mins
A fairly pleasant peaceful practice. I had the tendency to drift off a bit, and during the second half I had some unpleasant stuff. But as long as I could firmly notice these sensations, I could maintain the spaciousness.

5pm, 45mins
I was cranky and restless all afternoon, classic re-ob. When I sat down the familiar symptoms arose, but to my surprise they soon dissolved into a lovely, golden, spaciousness.

20th May
7am, 30mins
So so.

11pm, 15mins
Too tired

21st May
7am, 40mins
Not much Eq but plenty of everything else.

2pm, 40mins
The same

22nd May
8am, 40mins
It felt like a long hard climb this morning, but also productive.

12 midday, 40mins
The climb was shorter though and I was rewarded with excellent views.

3pm, 40mins
Not so much climbing, more hanging-out in the cool place.

10pm, 30mins
As above but so tired.

23rdMay
9am, 40mins
Very fragmented, I had to fall back to a very structured noting style to get any traction.

11.45, 30mins
At the moment it feels like I start the day with my centre of gravity somewhere in the dark night. I can then shift this by brute force up into Equanimity, where it will stay until I go to sleep (assuming I do enough practice throughout the day.) I think this is a positive development but it does require consistent effort.

1.15pm, 40mins
Ping pong noting with a friend. A bit of everything really. When I sit with someone else the experience is always a bit different.

24th May
7.45am, 40mins
Dragging my centre of gravity up to equanimity, again.

11am, 40mins
Up on the sunlit uplands for a while, some other stuff too.
6pm, 40mins
Was very symptomatic, so I had to focus on that reliably grotty stuff. Illness does odd things when placed under the microscope.

11pm, 30mins
Just a sneaky one before turning in, so so.

25th May
8am & 9.30am, 40mins each
Up and down the nyanas, some of it tranquil some not so much.

11.30am & 4pm, 40mins each
As above. I'm very motivated right now, don't know why.

26th May
9am, 1hr
Most distractions and unpleasantness could be traced back to a feeling of tension in the torso. When noticed this eventually dissolved into feeling of space and peace.

4pm, 1hr
All very nice and spacious, but also for the first time in ages almost completely effortless.

7pm, 1hr
More, effortless, golden niceness. In the second half I had the feeling that I was sitting under a very hot Mediterranean sun that was physically pushing me back in to my seat. Weird, but in a good way.

27th May
2am, 1hr
I couldn't sleep, so I figured I'd do and hour of sitting, as you do. Madness.

11am, 1hr
Not very spacious but golden and effortless.

4pm, 30mins
I was very symptomatic, a half hour felt like plenty.

9pm, 45mins
Easy but also rather distracted.

28th May
7.30am, 30mins
So so, all a bit messy.

10pm, 40mins
This was had a very strongly spacious quality, it felt like I was pushing my cutting edge quite strongly. Shame I was too tired to continue.

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but it doesn't sound like you are getting enough sleep. I find it very difficult to meditate when I'm very tired.

Well, sometimes I don't get enough sleep, sometimes I do, but still get dowsey on the cushion. This second kind is, as I'm sure you know, our old friend "sloth and torpor," one of the five hindrances and and entirely fit and appropriate meditation object. Experientially, whether the drowsiness is due to lack of sleep or not, the sensations are identical so you may as well try to continue to meditate anywy. Actually doing it is the hard part. Some of it is just about putting up with dropping off all the time, it will pass, and concentration will return. I don't think this is "wasted" practice, I think it still counts. If you persevere, it is possible to objectify and deconstruct the experience of falling asleep which I find interesting.

Also its worth noting that with progress it becomes possible to meditate while sleeping, I've not done this yet but I don't find it a particularly odd or unattainable concept. So it follows that exploring the conscious/unconscious boundary is essential if you want to attain to this. It seems that the best time to do is is when you are really, really, tired. I don't think there is ever an inappropriate time to practice, it might be tough or scary but that is a separate issue I think.

For the last week or so I've had family staying and I've not had a lot of personal space. Even so I've managed to keep the practice up at about an hour a day. Let s hope I've not drifted too far off the pace.

8th June
9.30am, 30mins
Looks like I'm still at the RE-OB/EQ boundary.

12.30, 30mins
More of the same.

10pm, 30mins
Trending towards EQ.

9th June
11.30am, 4pm & 10pm all 30mins
Messy but spacious, becoming more spacious with each session.

10th June
9am & 11am, 30mins
All rather messy, it feels like DN and RE-OB but I am fairly symptomatic today so its difficult to tell.

5pm, 30mins
More of the same

11th June
7.30am, 30mins
Messy.

3pm, 1hr
I had to notice my way through a wall of drowsiness to get to something more stable, frustrating.

14th June
8am, 30mins
This was fairly soft and floaty, not distracted but 'loose.'

11am, 30mins
This started with a wall of RE-OB tension in my torso so I just resolved to examine the individual bricks. Eventually it started to dissolve and the tension came in waves interspersed with pleasant tranquillity.

4pm, 1hr
I kept falling asleep; tedious. I almost dislike drowsiness more than the normal DN ickyness, at least with that there is some sense of continuity. But when you nod off, it feels like I have to start from the beginning again and re- establish concentration from the ground up. Like I said; tedious.

10pm, 1hr
Effortlessly spacious and tranquil. About as different from the previous session as can be imagined.

15th June
8am, 30mins
I had a very clear and well-formed journey up and down the nyanas. The first EQ was so strong I would have taken it for A&P had I not had a very clear version of that a few minutes earlier.

11am,30mins
I had that brick wall of sleepiness again.

8.30pm, 1hr
Really solid EQ, with the goldiness and vibrating visual field and everything. All smiles.