Bill H Practice Log

15/35 anapana/MM - concentration OK, MM started off not very available, noticed tension/energy rush/calm, then a repeat of this, and then some quick fear, unpleasantness that wasnt clear, and some nausea, eye tension, The mouth twisting tension passed through at some point, things got kind of rough/shaky and then everything got smooth for a while, then got rough again like I was repeating what I had just been through. Not sure If I am just popping up and down or what, noticing that some of the experiences I usually have seem to be out of order or occuring randomly, like having nausea and eye tension then suddenly an energy rush and calm. Near the end I notice MM getting more into the positive mindstates so I follow it there - listening/openness, wellbeing, well being, metta - interrupted near the end and cut a bit short.

15/40 anapana/MM @ lunch.
concentration good, have felt a bit stronger after Sunday. MM started normal, tensions/energy rushing, calm then a repeat of this sequence, then seemed like I was repeatedly hitting tensions in the eyes/ mouth twisting and center of head tensions, would release a bit and then happen again. Eventually got into some rough jumbly feeling unpleasantness, remembered to 'surrender' and 'acceptance' along with listening, eventually broke into some sort of wide open awareness including hearing and body, felt almost absorbed a bit, this seems to happen more often when I focus a bit more on accepting the bodily tensions instead of just listening. This state oscillated from weaker/stronger a while until the bell rang.

I think I will add in something here that I have been experimenting with that seems to work better than the ships in the harbor for me (at least when I do it only a little bit) - which is just looking for awareness itself. Somehow what seems to happen is the mind stops for a bit and everything gets clear. When I do the ships version of MM I notice that I tend to struggle a bit too much. Might not be the technique though.

i had some questions, bill, i am curious about some terminology..... MM is mahamudra practice? and once you are concentrated you use MM and/or noting? i ask because reading about mahamudra it seems more of a concentration practice than insight, once i get concentrated i only think to do noting (having put aside body scanning). I saw some comments about post 4th nana mm is better? lastly when you say 4F what are you referring to? thanks for any answers and for the great journal!

Yes MM is the ships in the harbor or any other Mahamudra technique talked about here on KFD, usually just the ships. 4F's is the noting style Kenneth lists on the home page, noting the four foundations of mindfulness, body, feeling-tone, mindstates, and thoughts.
It would appear that MM isn't insight reading about it but it seems to be an insight practice when actually done. My take on it is it is similar to shikantaza as I understood it, finding a way to be alert without an object, which is how I have heard shikan taza to be described by some. My guess without knowing is that it may be more effective at producing progress than shikantaza due to the tendency for it to produce positive mindstates.

MM noting is explained here:
www.buddhistgeeks.com/2011/07/mahamudra-noting/

the 4th nana comment is just an idea of mine based on how wide MM seems to make things and the fact that attentional width can vary naturally as one moves up the maps. Due to the acceptance, positive mindstates and width factors It would seem to make sense that MM is an ideal practice for navigating the Dukkha Nanas. We will see - Im not really sure how it leads to path though but I have heard others have had success with it.

-I have also heard MM is good practice for chronic pain, which I usually have in abundance.

15/40 anapana/MM
Concentration not very strong, drifting somewhat after getting less sleep due to physical issues. MM not very available initially, kept at it but things seemed all jumbled up, got mouth twisting, some unpleasant fear, nausea, energy releases, but all out of the usual order, aftrer a while some shaking unpleasantness then emerging from all this into calm, simple, almost boringly here. Did notice that it makes a significant difference to remember to look at body tension and allow/accept/release, seems to reduce the strain and make things more natural, OK.

15/40 anapana/MM, concentration stronger, more continuous. MM was interesting, seemed to get into unpleasant tensions right off the bat that seemed like sadness/nausea mixed together with eye/mouth tension and then some energy rushing/releases, some calm and then it seemed like I kept hitting different flavors of unpleasant tensions, over and over, listening and allowing, seemed to open up more and more into hearing and pure/raw sensory experience of the body, hearing/openness, even though the cycle of tensions seemed to continue. I could see very clearly this time how the self images arise continuously as the mind adds/interprets the sensations and tensions as 'me' - surprising to see how obvious the illusion is by feeling the raw sensations in the body and the open listening/hearing of MM simultaneously. If this 'stuff' is not me then how could it ever be a problem?

15/40 anapana/MM
concentration poor, mind wandering quite a bit, tired.
MM started out tensions/shaking/kriyas then moving to more shaking, intense but almost pleasant, felt like it was both pleasant and unpleasant, then strong energy rush/tingles everywhere, listening, allowing, accepting, hit smooth calm, then seemed to lose steam and ended up in tensions again, less shaking, then more energy rush, hit calm but the calm was colored by changing unpleasantness, some nausea coming and going, mouth tension, lots of tension in the head, this feeling like sensations are pushing their way up the head towards the crown, sudden break into smoothness, unpleasantness still there but listening/openness, seemed to be in this mode a while, open and listening but unpleasantness coming and going in the background, predominantly noticing harsh tensions, sadness/mouth twisting and small amount of shaking/instability while listening.

15/40 anapana/MM
difficult session, probably a good thing. Concentration was tough, felt like I had every bit of self-doubt and failure-thinking arising the whole time, continued into the MM, felt to me like I tripped into energy rushing/tingling/ intensely pleasant territory by anapana alone, so switching to MM was already in that mode and then calm, unpleasantness and then this interesting cycle where I could feel tensions connected to emotional feelings starting in the stomach with fear, skipping over the heart all the way up to the neck then into the mouth with sadness and twisting mouth tension, then into the eyes and up into the head behind the eyes and there would be an energy release/rush and the whole thing would repeat itself. Some times it was less distinct than others but it continued this way for the rest of the sit, maybe going through it 50 or more times I would guess, not sure. Seemed like this was all triggering the same 'stuff' to come up, feelings from childhood or something, sadness and fear combined, really vague. Felt like tears wanted to come but that didnt happen.

15/40 anapana/MM, concentration started out difficult/dreamy ended up solid, switched to MM, usual tension immediately, took a few minutes to get to energy release, calm then again tensions and emotions, some vibrations unpleasant but seemingly random, no order, then started the same unpleasant cycling as yesterday but more listening/acceptance, this continued as the energy seemed even stronger than yesterday, things got calmer although the energy did not, seems my reaction to it died down a bit, sat there listening/accepting opening up to tensions and the ships. Tension started building in the neck behind the ears, one point on either side of the neck, and the tension was very painful for some reason, had a moment where I saw aversion clearly, saw the self image rise and pop with it, huge release of energy in the neck and head and all over the body, then back to as before, listening and unpleasantness, seemed to be again changing from stomach tension, to neck, then mouth, eyes, middle of the head, all the while something trying to work its way up inside the head and neck to the top of the crown. Bell.

15/40 anapana/MM
concentration OK although lots of thinking occuring, enough so that I inclined the mind to split off a bit instead of just boring into the object, so for a while I was still concentrating and thoughts were floating more on their own... MM was interesting as when I shifted to listening for the ships It felt like I was already in DN territory, and the changing cycle of unpleasant sensations started up, so I just kept listening and allowing/accepting/surrender. Not much in the way of positive mindstates but honestly this phase, be it reobservation or something else, feels very purifying. Its a chance to come to terms with difficult sensations that I have spent my whole life running from, and the slow process of becoming more OK with this stuff and seeing it more clearly for what it is feels very wholesome. The sit continued with listening/acceptance, shifting between ships and sensations, sometimes on both at once, sometimes not, with a clear cycle occuring, starting in the stomach and working its way up to the crown, although later in the sit it felt like it would start at the mouth with twisting tension/sadness and work up from there. Near the end things got calmer and then listening became very strong and started to get cleaner, and suddenly there was this ease that wasn't there before, and the unpleasantness was just a hint in the background, the feeling of almost being absorbed into the totality of the present moment for a short bit.

Thanks for the awesome report Bill. Sounds like MM is really opening up for you.

Yes and no - I like what it does for my relationship but I have seen all this territory before, its just slowly getting easier and easier.

Attempted to do the usual sit this AM and it didnt work out so well, mind all over the place, ended up back in anapana after a while attempting MM. LOL - starting to get that feeling again, the whole 'wet' vs 'dry' debate in my head. 50 min total.

55 min anapana, concentration difficult, tremendous amount of psychological 'stuff' rising up, old memories, feelings, images, identities, lots of stuff but kept with the breath while being able to observe these things with more impartiality than would otherwise be possible.

did another 30 min anapana last night, got fairly strongly concentrated, getting into access territory I imagine, or close to it, but no factors arising yet, perhaps very weakly. There is a quality of the mind that I dont know what to call, the ability of the mind to do something, which seems to get stronger with this kind of practice. I can tell the difference. Also at some point after the sit the breath was getting a bit weird, like I would have a moment or two where all the sudden awareness would be back on the breath strongly, and it would feel smooth somehow, silky, and there was a strange sensation associated with it that I will have to look at again to pin down, something odd that felt almost like somepart of myself was leaving the body into the breath/air...

amusement.
Did 105 min anapana, with the intent to deepen concentration...
Started out good, after a while things got kind of tense but kept sticking to the breath at the mouth opening, had a shift at around a half hour where things get easier, smoother, which I have noticed before, then at about an hour all the sudden I saw through the observer, which prompty semi-collapsed and concentration felt very strong, pleasant, and it felt unitive.. Thoughts in the back of the mind, 'wow is this close to jhana?' -
LOL - then calm, and while still on the pinpoint of breathing landed smack into lots of fear, more thoughts 'wait a sec is vipassana happening on its own again..?'
and then sadness, some light nausea, desire for escape, and on. Stuck with the breath as best I could the whole time - it got pretty rough and vibratory there for a while. Lots of amusement at how I set out to do a pinpoint concentration practice and still somehow found myself in dukkhaville -...

Amazing, isn't it? those pesky dukkhas!

another 30 min anapana yesterday, intended to do longer but gave up at some point....

about ~3hrs anapana today, I can't tell if concentrating for so long is letting me see more 'stuff' or if more stuff comes up as a result. 'stormy mind' - seeing clearly though some of the negative thought patterns, and how on some level they are really conceit, in the sense that its a way to think about 'me', to make 'me' the center of the universe, even though the images and stories are negative - the mind fights hard to not let go of this stuff, it doesnt want the breath to be the center of the universe!

Starting to become clear to me that whenever I get close to suceeding at something there is some 'stuff' that I get caught in and I stop myself, sort of a self sabotage. Also becoming clear to me that I dont really have as much control over this process as I think - If a am normally floating through dukkha nanas then I will only be able to get a certain amount of concentration off of a small point, and oddly it seems doing a wide open practice makes me feel more concentrated. It 'feels' much more right somehow to be wide open using MM or some other technique, regardless of any personal fantasy I may have about someday doing insight from a jhana.

10/45 anapana/MM this AM.
strong tensions in the neck and head at first, then got kind of bubbly with some shaking, the shaking tapered off after a bit but a small amount of it persisted the whole sit. The tension then switched to being more pleasant, there were a few episodes of energy rush/release and then finally a short bit of calm that lasted only a few seconds and I landed smack in the middle of strong nausea - after a while this changed to tension moving a bit higher inside the head and a strong desire to get away, make it stop somehow, then a mild release of energy and tingles , a patch of calm for a minute and then I started the cycling through all the negative stuff again, fear for some reason is skipped over very quickly, sadness is now fairly short but nausea seems to last the longest - just kept cycling...

Starting to respect this stuff and see why it is necessary, how it can purify.

5/50 anapana/MM - started with concentration and it felt wrong to do so switched back to MM.. Very difficult sit,
tension/energy release/quick calm and right back into nausea, tensions, then after a while some relief and back into the cycling, this time the sensations, tensions, nausea, mouth tension, eys tensions, cycling from bottom to top of the physical body, the sensations got stronger and stronger and it really was all I could do to sit there and surrender, trying to listen as much as I could to the ships while inclining to surrender/acceptance as I could. Things got a bit more vibratory as time went on, near the end there was a moment of surrender, some easing up, opening a bit, and the tension spread out, became this sort of burning vibration, filling the body, still listening to the ships and allowing. Feel like I really was at the limit of what I can take there...

10/45 anapana/MM this AM. Odd started in nausea, tension, and pretty much stayed there the whole time. A few times it would change to desire for escape, make it stop type stuff and the tension would move up correspondingly but I would return to listening and allowing/acceptance and immediately strong nausea would arise, sometimes in the stomach other times in the head, in the middle behind the level of the cheekbones, near the end had a sharp pain in the right cheekbone, still nausea although some calming near the end. Faint pulsing/vibration felt at times.

15/45 anapana/MM @ lunch,
concentration was very strong this time, may have been caused by me playing with EIS's alternative concentration/jhana instructions from the DHO:
"And here is the best I can offer for instructions. Sense-experience notices itself. 'You' do not need to be involved, 'you' muck up the noticing. Try to get the mind to tune into this auto-noticing quality of sense-experience.

Every fluctuation of the attention wave is 'you' (or shadow-you). 'You' looking, 'you' reacting, 'you' reflecting...so, pay attention to something neutral like your breath, keep the auto-noticing quality of sense-experience in the back of your mind, and slowly, gently, stop 'yourself' from doing anything."

-I will keep using this pointer as my anapana method a while more and see how it goes.

- then switched to MM, tensions, energy rush/release after a few minutes, quick calm and then jumped straight to strong nausea. Then it seeemed like Nausea was the background flavor of the body, harsh with an underlying hard vibe to it, but then I started to cycle through other things at the same time, so I would be feeling nausea/tingling/harsh vibes and then get sadness/mouth twisting or desire to flee/make it go away and eye/head tension with the nausea in the background the whole time, listening and allowing/accepting - I felt like I was in the middle of a thunder storm and doing everything I could to just stay on the cushion without getting blown off... Things got a bit calmer and more open (somewhat) near the bell. One thing I did notice is the tendency of the mind to want to contract awareness when unpleasantness occurs and how this contraction keeps me from seeing the empty nature of the sensations while closing me off - this was contrasted to the openness coming from the MM technique.

Bill, what's it like off the cushion while all this stuff is going on in your practice? Best, Laurel