Bill H Practice Log

another 15/37 or so at lunch yesterday, similar, concentration good, maps unclear but very calm and wide open after the first few minutes of noting again. lots of off-cushion momemtum.

15/40 and 15/27 today, both similar, maps occuring but not really that clear, lots of calm and wide open, noting faster than normal, even out loud portions, starting to pull thoughts and sensations apart, which really seems to take the 'problem' out of them, lots of off cushion noting silently which seems to be happening very easily, almost automatic sometimes. Got into some really odd highly concentrated no-self state this morning, for about 5-6 seconds maybe it was like 'me' was going in and out of existence, not sure i remember what the contents of awareness were... curious.

slept in a bit today and worked on some food stuff for a few hours, then noticed while in the kitchen I slipped back into dukkhaville, hit the cushion after a bit for 15/40 and indeed there it was again, concentration painful, causing fear and anxiety, but was able to do it somewhat - noting seemed OK, some DN stuff and then mostly wide open, calm, then after a while got into 'stuff coming out' mode while still in wide mode, again there would be contractions in the front of the face like sadness, with sad thoughts, and associated childhood memories coming out of it. Funny how a sensation in the face somewhere gets interpreted and labeled as sadness by the mind, with a corresponding image of despair or hopelessness arising, when all it is is a raw sensation, with no inherent meaning (although that did seem nana-ish) - whatever...

came to the conclusion yesterday that I will continue to not drink... Had about two swallows of champagne and just really didn't like the dullness and out of phase feeling, bleh. I stopped all alcohol almost a year ago and every so often I try a little bit and I just really don't like it now...

Did a 25/40 min this AM, found that I could get to a light 1J by scaffolding my way up - first I did 6-7 rounds(of 10) of breath counting, holding the breath in the nostrils lightly while counting only the outbreaths, then adding a visualization of a finger touching the area continously, while slowly phasing out the counting, for a small bit had the familiar pulsing pleasure in the third eye which descended down and merged with the breath spot, with the mind being fairly still on the object and the sense of closing in on the breath, even though the mind seemed very noisy and monkeyish the whole time.. Noting normal, felt to me like I went up and down and up again, second A&P was much more obvious, then it felt to me like I stayed in a place where I was fairly wide and OK with everything, with sort of a DN wheel spinning at the same time, noticing the fear, despair, desire to get away, and whatnot happening over and over but not really being a problem either...

Friday finished up kind of lazy - managed to get 25 more minutes of noting but concentration was not available -

Saturday did 30C then 15C/40N -

started with breath counting on the 30C, realized immediately that it wasn't going to happen, fear, vibrations, made worse as I attempted to go back to the breath and the count. I have this happen every so often, I assume it is nana related?

Second sit started out again with some breath counting, same thing, ten min in to it I gave up and decided to switch to MM, which was doable. I think next time I sit down and cannot bring the mind back to the breath I will switch to MM - ultrawide and clear, probably just as useful for noting. - The noting was normal, don't remember much.

Got into some difficult DN stuff after the sits yesterday, had a few hours of being stuck then remembered I *can* note that stuff - made a huge difference. Did quite a bit of silent noting yesterday off cushion on a road trip we took. Near the end of the day for some unknown reason I had a resolution come up to drop everything and be there with my wife in an uncontrived way. I forgot about that resolution-thought, and to my surprise a few minutes later some part of the thinking mind that creates a sense of separation just dropped away. It felt like everything in awareness was part of a whole, the mind light and open, content and not grasping outside the bubble of the moment, in some way feeling as if every part of experience was a part of 'me' - quite interesting.

attempted to do 30C, after ten minutes gave up, every attempt at concentration, even MM producing nausea (Considered switching to brahmaviharas but I usually avoid that now because it seems to make DN more energetic and painful) . Started over with 55 minutes solid noting, most out loud. last 20 min or so kept noting aversion to aversion, desire to not have unpleasantness of various kinds - then the note would eventually pop this and everything would smooth out again and there would be very little aversion for a while until it came up again, 'note me', 'note me' - feeling the energy release that always seems to occur when an embedded thought is objectified...

two sits yesterday - 15/40 and 15/30 ish, still pretty rough, hard time finishing the second sit, although concentration was easier during the second sit. Feeling a bit more accepting last night of aversion, seeing it as being less of a problem, on the cushion yesterday I think I had it arise in a completely split-off way, like a bird flying through the room, which was startling as there is usually some pushback when it arises. Glad I have that retreat soon...

15/40 this AM, hard to get through, noting everything including desire to stop, escape, pain, fearful thoughts, etc, over and over. Concentration not really happening during that portion of the sit.

Sending metta and encouragement your way. Sounds like a tough spot. You're working hard in your practice, and that's all you can do. Best, Laurel

Thanks - its actually not so bad, Im having more and more spots of seeing the aversion and the other stuff as 'not me, not mine', slowly, more and more - seems like a slow process but worth every second!

hmm - in another thread I noticed Kenneth steering someone away from the idea that choiceless noting means you dont stay on an object... I think in some way I have gotten in that habit myself, of jumping around on purpose in the noting process, but Im not sure how to correct this. Perhaps I should experiment with a mahasi anchor or just stick with things long enough to have them break down more.. I will ask Ron also

did manage to do another 15/40 yesterday... Did 55 this AM, tried to stay with rising and falling a while and get into breaking things down a bit more.. Not really sure how it went, but it went.

second sit yesterday was OK, tried to anchor a bit more, felt to me like it slows everything down but makes it more stable, mapwise. Maybe. Been a bit 'lost' lately, realizing also that I will need more momentum to make progress. Seems yesterday every possible feeling of discouragement and thought of hopelessness was playinng on the broken record, which suddenly stopped for no reason last night sometime...

15/35 this AM, concentration not really happening, Comparing anchored and unanchored noting, seems like when I go willy nilly I don't get concentrated noting yet *seem* to rise up the maps quickly, but never really get stability or clarity.. And investigating this I see there is a driven quality to it, a rushing of the mind to find the next object, jumping around. I will talk to Beth tonight about this and see what direction to take things.

40 min mahasi - slow but stable, near the end seemed to be tired, having dropouts, had just gone through more A&Pish stuff so I assume I ended in dissolution... Seems better actually than choiceless, deeper in some way. I think I had gotten myself into some bad habit there - will confirm with a teacher.

Good session with Beth - Will continue doing as I was doing before but will be careful to also note the driven quality as well, and anything else not being noted!

15/40 this AM, concentration still not happening, it actually *hurts* to attempt it. I think I will switch to doing mahasi for 15 min to get somewhat settled next time then switching to choiceless. Seemed to A&P quickly, some calm then rough stuff for a while, then leveled out and had some very quiet, open space, after a while noticed some conditioning I couldn't see, noting it, eventually it broke open and caught a clear glimpse of it and WHAM energy release from the conditioning, all the sudden instead of quiet whole body filed with shaking and electricity/sharp tingles all over, slowly faded away the last 5 minutes. Funny how that happens to me when I clarify something in the mind I couldn't see/face directly before. I would mistake it for A&P but its very clearly a result of seeing something hidden in the mind, with an emotional charge - feels like the stored emotional charge releasing when the thought is seen clearly. Very interesting!

40 min noting, out loud choiceless as usual. Rough, experientially seemed like the entire sit was in re-ob, no shifts except a few minutes of quiet, calm peace in between a few of the cycles of fear, nausea, sadness, despair, anger, and aversion with shaking observer stuff (the shaking did seem to lessen as the sit progressed).

15/40 mahasi/choiceless... was into mildly A&Pish territory I think when I switched to choiceless, seemed to go up through some unpleasant stuff but there was alot less of it, the sensations weren't harsh and there was a noticeable lessening of seperation, noting awareness thoughts and whatnot with aversion floating by, got very very calm and still a number of times, for a few minutes I think, noting some space, stillness, contentedness, etc, then every so often more aversion, fear, desire, noted the desire to BE a 'self'.

45 min noting at lunch, working today... 15 mahasi shifting into choiceless.. Seemed that concentration was very strong, breaking up all the sensations in the stomach area, then choiceless - lots of A&Pish stuff initially, seemed like there was the typical routine of DN stuff yet again the energy was softer, more subtle, everything easier to note, had 10 or more minutes of very quiet, simple, open, not a whole lot going on, every so often another round of unpleasant stuff yet not really much interruption of the stillness, just noting it. I *think* I went down and up the arc again after the still period, not sure - also noticing in the stillness a small itch/pleasant tingling at the very tip top of the head, like a thread pulling up on the head twisting and turning about.

55 min Yesterday, not remembering the sit but do remember DN stuff most of the day, very vibratory most of the day as well...

55 min noting, started with very fast mahasi on breath only at first, then shifted to choiceless, seemed to rise up through the maps but they were softer, there was a background stillness and experiential acceptance, like whatever was there wasn't going to stick. Didn't feel like I could sit forever but was starting to trend in that direction...Lots of stillness and calm, tingling in the head, had some moments where it felt like some acceleration was happening, like I was about to be pulled up into some unknown, some excitement noted and it backed down, just noting whatever happened until the end of the sit.

Yesterday Lunch 30 min noting, some tiredness kicking in I think from physical training last Friday, got to 20 min and tiredness, over and over, had some hard dropouts, gave it a few tries and gave up at some point.

55 min noting this AM, 15 mahasi into choicesless, in the choiceless part fairly quickly got up to strong shaking observer stuff, lasted perhaps 10 minutes then a long quiet period, no shaking, just thoughts and hearing, calm, dipped back into some shaking after a while then back into calm, this time itching again at the very top of the head, sensations near the top, some space, openness, etc till the bell.

Yesterday @ lunch did another ~47 minutes, 15 mahasi into choiceless as usual.

This AM did 55, 15 mahasi was a bit more scattered, mind took the whole time to decide to actually check the object out and hang there...choiceless was interesting, got up to shaking observer and DN stuff pretty quick after the quick spontaneous kriya/tingle all over in A&P land, then sensation seemed to pool up in the top of the head and things got fairly stable for a while, clam, clear, seemed like also the occasional aversion and random mental stuff noted, the noting getting to a nice rhythm, then after a while it seemed like some 'stuff' was want to come out of the stillness of sensation that the head had become, all the sudden memories, strong emotions and things from the past showing up, with some wild shaking and whatnot... Not really sure I remember falling back down but I must have gone back down the arc and up again because there was a much stronger A&P at some point and I went back up again, then again still / calm for a bit...

again ~47 or so noting at lunch yesterday...

55 min this AM, different this time, mind sort of wandering more than usual on the mahasi, during choiceless was noticing some stuff I usually dont, noting it lots this time, just at tendency of the mind to go in a particular direction, and oddly it was like the whole sit nothing happened. There was still some initial A&P type stuff but after a while it was just.. Plain, normal. - in the middle of that at some point something expanded and I was sitting in the middle of more space, noting space and (forgetting to note) being curious as to what the 'space' was composed of, what it was that gave the impression of extending outward like that.