Bill H Practice Log

did a 25/30/25 yesterday with concentration in the middle. Pretty amazing difference for me when a sit is preceeded by concentration.

20/35 this AM...no time to elaborate..

another 20/35 later in the day yesterday...

20/35 this morning: concentration OK, feels like during the noting I am going all the way up to some sort of lowish EQ and back down, then up again a bit more slowly - think I stopped at A&P area at the end of the noting (second pass)

10/35 at lunch yesterday - got into a state where remarkably there wasn't *any* aversion.. Was in a plain wide open space beforehand and noticed that there was something I wasn't noting - started to note it and it dropped...Felt wide open and wonderful, like a baby. Not sure if that was the real EQ or someplace I just haven't seen much yet. Seems to have left some sort of background ease, which in very small ways I have noticed becoming a feature of the default mode over time the last few months, like in a creeping way, hard to quantify but there.

normal, 2 sits of 20/35 today concentration and noting. Playing with concentration types still. Seems for a while now, probably due to doing so much metta for the last year, I have the ability to just make pleasure appear with the object if I want. Its clear after experimenting with this that fabricating bliss and adding it to the breath seems to work better than not doing that. Noting was similar to usual, A&p in a minute at most, no more than 5-10 min into the noting I usually get into re-ob.. Today seemed it wasn't meant that I go any farther than that - whats curious is that I am uncovering and noting a layer of aversion-to-aversion that I had not been aware of at all before, and it seems to be loosening things up more.

20/35 this AM - A bit less clear, seemed like I went up and down twice, ended in a place where I felt I could sit for a long time and noting switched to silent. Also had lots of stuff coming up in the same place, typical hindrances I have seen come up when things get that calm. Did do pleasure+breath the concentration part of the sit and it seemed to make the maps much smoother - which also seemed to make part of the sit less clear from that perspective as some of the usual signposts were more subtle...

"whats curious is that I am uncovering and noting a layer of aversion-to-aversion that I had not been aware of at all before, and it seems to be loosening things up more." -WSH3

Great! Seeing ever more deeply into the process.

lunch sit yesterday, 20/35...

this morning 35/40 - decided to work on my 'weakest' concentration skill, which is visual. Didnt get very far with it but the noting ended being chock full of emotionally charged images from childhood, I think I went up and down a few times in the maps but there was alot else going on to note - seems like there are lots of memories hidden(?) in the instability of the visual field...Have a mind to spend a bunch of time this weekend on this, could be useful

lunch sit yesterday, I think it was 20/25...

Today did a 30 min of anapana/6R method, then walking a stretching for 10 min, then 53 min noting, mostly out loud. Seemed to poke my head up into EQ a few times, seemed like there was also lots of 'stuff' coming up, the more I do this the more I see that every single sensation that arises is something that must be surrendered to - nothing else works!

3x30 min concentration, then one 10/50 conc/noting out loud (mostly)... Not really sure but seems like the sadness/scrunched face thing has become one of the strongest noticeable things, occuring over and over, noting lots of images and things associated with it, got to a point where I noted an image of an angry face and lots of the tension broke apart in the head in an explosion of tingles, which seems to always happen to me when I break into some conditioning that I hadn't seen very well before... Noticed the last few days have brought up alot of sadness during/after the sits.

Trouble posting yesterday...

Two sits of 15/40 yesterday, felt stronger than normal, A&P and Dissolution were much more obvious and clear than normal as well, I assume from all the concentration Sunday. Still surfing on the boundary of re-ob and EQ, but seeing more objects with space, non reactivity, over time. Feels to me like there is personally quite a bit of territory between the dark night and EQ, but worth it... Re-ob was very clear, such an odd state at the end of it, like awareness is jumping in all directions at once, the camera being shaken and the mind ping-ponging off of everything randomly - almost no aversion to it yesterday though.

Tuesday, 15/40 and 15/25 I think,

This AM 15/37 ... Concentration OK, went up a bit slower than normal but A&P was wilder, more energetic than usual, took 3-4 minutes I think to get into it and lasted 3-4 more, which is longer than usual, coolness and calm afterwards, then through re-ob shaking and unpleasant stuff, then just being here, open, simple, nothing going on for a long time, got more relaxed but then in that space 'stuff' decided to come up with a vengeance, which is good as its the right place for it to get the note.. Noting sadness, images of being hurt, being disliked, aversion to feeling sad, aversion to feeling disliked, hopelessness, etc - pretty clearly (I think) not nana related, there is a spot in the front of the head, a few spots, one almost in the third eye, where the sadness and stuff seem to be related, as if feeling into that area triggers these thoughts and feelings, so I note them and the sensations associated, in the larger space. about ten minutes from the end I suddenly noticed shaking again, then quickly reversed thru A&P, then back up after a few minutes and felt like I ended in dissolution...

lunch did a 20/30something sit, concentration portion I did the virtual nose-pinch thing and things got a bit weird, not sure how to describe it so I will have to try this again. Noting was different, seemed to get stuck in A&P mode for a longer time again, felt like about 10 seconds of dissolution and almost a jump to re-ob shaking, then seemed like I went back and forth between shaking/despair/fear/etc and nothing going on...tired near the end, I think the concentration is bringing up some stuff again, intense sadness and depressing thoughts the rest of the day, noting when possible, needed it apparently as I was getting embedded there..

two sits, 15/40 and 15/33, second sit I did a nose tip concentration where the primary thing I tried to bring up first was tranquility, by relaxing tensions in the head. I can't always do it that way but it seems to result in a better top end on the noting part of the sit. Noting was unclear up until re-ob stuff then saw the last piece of aversion and noted it and got to a point for 5 or more min where I felt like I could sit forever, almost no aversion to sensations.. then it came back up and the sit ended.

20/39 or so, had a couple of restarts as concentration wasn't cooperating, tried a few things and settled on nose anapana but with entire body included, ended up feeling very nice, got into the whole-body-at-once as object, mind not wanting to 'focus' at all.. up through the maps fairly easily, up to the top end of re-ob learning again and again its OK for the experiece of aversion to pass through, unhindered and pure, like an image on a mirror - passed back down to below A&P and then went all the way back up again the last 10 minutes, A bit stronger on the second pass having the head tilt back somehwere in A&P territory, got into a very pure state near the end, with a sense of the present moment becoming a single object somehow...

similar sit at lunch yesterday - kept on the breath and added the whole body as object, bliss everywhere arising, when i switched to noting all I had for a bit was pleasant stuff, then noticed A&P, thru to re-ob, dont remember much but did notice that the bliss prevented anything from feeling harsh..

this AM did 25/40 concentration/noting out loud, Mind refused to concentrate after being so cooperative yetserday, gave it more time and then switched to noting, things were unclear today, noticed A&P a few times, perhaps I went up and down and up again, not sure - then had all kinds of conditioning coming up, very hard to see, images of dissaproval, like stern faces floating there, and sadness/despair which was hard not to shrink away from, noting as best I could what was happening the whole time. Felt like after the sit I had brought something up into a more clear space and was able to objectify it better than before...

35 concentration, then 45 noting out loud. Mind was in a similar place as yesterday, concentration bringing up some sort of anxiety right away, oddly started to feel like a hard 3rd nana with full body itch (which I don't normally even notice when noting anymore), eventually got a bit more concentrated but only after I tried holding the nosepinch visual at the same time..
Noting felt somewhat normal, unclear stages though, went through what felt like A&P and washing machine re-ob for a while then got into a long spot where there just wasn't much going on, but somewhat quickly in that space started to arise more 'stuff', images of someone being angry with me, fear, sadness, etc, but felt more like stuff coming out due to relaxation rather than nana stuff - not really sure. The whole thing lately seems to be originating from tension in the head, close to the third eye. Not sure how much stuff is stuck up in there but all I can do is note it when it is there.

missed post yesterday, two sits 15/40 and 15/35, concentration seemed low, maps unclear..

15/40 and 20/25 today, lots of off cushion, second sit got into what I think was EQ, turned off the noting and went straight to noticing, seemed very deep and there was some sort of rapture after the sit, still noticing for a while. Also concentration seemed good, not sure if the technique is to blame or the momentum from off cushion.. But what I did today was about 10 min of 1J pointer which got pretty wildly intense/pleasure/pulsing in third eye, felt like there were some seconds here and there of getting absorbed in the sense of effort, then shifted to a 'the breath is beautiful and the only thing I care about' mode, with some sort of joy from that simplification taking place underneath, did that for ten minutes then flipped to outloud noting. Did get kind of mired a bit near the end in dreamy/sleepy stuff, would like to pick that apart next time...

15/32 and 15/40 today, the second sit, aided by more off the cushion momentum... Concentration OK, did more of a relaxing method, noting normal, if a bit wild in spots, got into re-ob for a while, funny how there seems to be a spot where it seems re-ob goes away, things get plain and nothing going on then all the sudden another cycle, although not very strong.. After a while I saw 'it' - the basic aversion to the present moment itself, causing a tension in the middle of the head, like a frozen desire to change/shift/move/do/strain/push/want something, then noting that and it broke down, got into a place where I felt like I could sit forever, and when the bell rang noticed some dissapointment. I'm not sure but I think somewhere in there I am shifting from outloud to silent then to just noticing as well, but I don't recall now...

I have been going all over the place lately looking at concentration, seeing what affects the noting and it *seems* to me that the one thing that makes the most difference is the momentum from off-cushion. I have this fantasy that I could space out at work for hours and then during a sit get super-concentrated and blast off into noting, LOL, but it doesn't really work that way

two 15/40 yesterday...

25/40 this AM, starting to learn that if I relax correctly there s automatically some excitement and narrowing of attention on the breath, and all I have top do is stay there..
noting normal, felt 3rd nana a bit more clearly than I usually do, ended up spending most of the sit in re-ob, with a few minutes of stillness/calm in there. I would go through fear/despair/get me outta here/ shaking then a period of stillness and the whole thing would start over again. Seeing clearly how the belief/thinking that life should be free of unpleasantness and suffering keeps the whole thing spinning, more of that coming up this time.

25/30 at lunch today - concentration good, relaxed into the breath at nostril until pleasure arose, stayed there most of the time, sometimes feeling closer to being absorbed, sometimes less, noticing the intrinsic happyness that arises when the mind lets go of enough stuff.. Noting ok, rose up to re-ob real quick and stayed there a long time, some still spots, but mostly just seeing the same aversions over and over again, noting them...had an interesting state arise which could have been some combo of 3rd or 4th jhana, not sure what it was, kind of an all encompassing blend of happyness and neutrality, I dont think the body was there, just the head, and the feelings penetrated every cell of the head, spreading outwards somewhat. Almost 'hot' feeling...

30-40 min concentration, then 55 min noting, mostly out loud.
Concentration difficult today, anxiety/fear immediately arising when relaxing into the breath - able to do it somewhat but not very well.. Noting was also difficult - aversion/fear present almost the entire time, like an extra layer on top of the maps, which is unusual for me, got up to re-ob within 5 min or so and pretty much stayed there the entire time. Again seeing and noting the basic thinking over and over, the wordless desire/belief that unpleasantness shouldn't *be* - but it IS!

having a tough time the last 2 days, got ~45 min in Sunday, extreme nausea and vibrations when sitting down and off cushion, today similar but trending more towards a harsh pain moving around in the face, did two sits 15/25? and 15/33 today, concentration difficult, painful sensations arising, strong vibrations... Starting to think I have been in subnanas all this time and the longer cycle was misery, now into disgust... How interesting. - Got time off work to do 5 day retreat at the end of the year, think it has been long enough without.

Nice work Bill. Grats on the upcoming retreat!

Thanks - think its time to do all of those for a while, I go hang out at the Zendo in a side room while they do sesshin and keep my own schedule so I can do any lengths I want..

Sitting this AM, 15/40 concentration/noting, not sure about maps but the last 20? minutes of the noting were calm and expansive, seeing over and over that sensations in the head are just sensations, wide feeling awareness, very calm, sense of being able to sit as long as I wanted..