Bill H Practice Log

skipped some posts, same as usual, two sits a day, although the second sit I have been having a harder time finishing lately.. Mostly going through rounds of re-ob slowly getting more and more calm at the same time - today got into some mild teflon mind states near the end of the second sit - where thoughts slip away faster than you can grab onto them. Looking forward to the retreat in a few weeks!

barely made it through 40 min noting this morning, tried to just do noting without any kind of concentrating at all - didn't work too well. Was an intentional experiment.

did 20/35 C/N, concentration was anapana, noting choiceless out-loud, got pretty fast at times this time...
while doing anapana what I could see was that I would immediately get 3rd nana stuff all over the body and esp. the face when I tried to do it - so I played with this for a while, keying off the idea that I am trying to solidify the breath, not see every little sensation. I would have to hold the breath somewhat lightly, and every time I got too close I would feel itching/tensions all over and back off. Near the end of the concentration section I finally saw the switch - there is some extra effort required to keep the breath a solid object, some sort of extra mental processing that has to be active, or I will rise right up the maps before I am ready.. I will have to see what the difference is between the two modes, its quite interesting although it feels to me like it takes more energy to solidify something (at least it did initially, maybe I just need practice).
the 35 min Noting seemed pretty productive, zoomed up there quickly, didn't really notice DN but got stuck in observer shaking and then the familiar tensions and cycling unpleasant stuff of re-ob. Some times things were still, sometimes less so, noting was very fast, maybe 2/sec out loud. Had another one of those 'something is going to happen' moments where I felt like I was going to get pulled up out of my head into some mystery but it backed off again. This seems to happen when all the sensation pools at the very top of the head.

20/35 C/N this AM, was fairly clean, similar to Sunday,

barely made it through 20/23 C/N at lunch, got sleepier and sleepier, was noting it but stopped before I fell over.. Funny this seems to happen with some regularity, but not every day.

Tuesday:

20/35 C/N, one in the AM, one at lunch. Both were fairly clear and noting felt powerful - concentration was OK and I found (at least temporarily) that resting attention on the upper lip seemed to prevent insight and kept me in samatha-land a bit better than nostril tip or full body or what-have-you technique. Will see if this holds up. The concentration makes a huge difference in the noting - without it the noting feels useless!

Both sits rose up quickly to re-obby territory, Then still popping in and out of that and something open/clean, simpler. Also noticing how there seems to be, very slowly, less and less sensation identified with in the head, and with this comes a slow increase in calm and clarity and less of a sense of self.. Takes time, but really worth it so far - noticing how in daily life the benefits of practice sneak up on you, like suddenly noticing that one can sit still for hours in a meeting being happy just observing people's faces (or something like that).

Wednesday -two 20/35, I think the lunch sit ended 3 min early.... Anapana starting to not work again, jumpy mind and anxiety when I attempt concentration...

This morning started my usual but decided to switch C modes from anapana to metta instead... Had wildly different noting afterwards. Metta went as it used to, very strong initially, after a few minutes it wouldn't stay in the heart anymore and I switched to sending it to everyone as the object, one stable spot where happiness is in the head then it goes through some instability again until it starts to come out the top and feels more like compassion, still sending to all beings. Not sure I got very 'concentrated' at all though, mind still not stable.

When I switched to the noting, I think I assumed I would come out above A&P but instead after a few minutes had a stronger than usual A&P, unclear if ther was any DN or not? then had this odd state occur for maybe 10 minutes on and off where the head broke into puffyness and heaviness, light tingles and there was a very pronounced sensation of space, like I was sitting in a vast space, hearing everything clearly. Noting this went on, then after a while I started going through cyles of aversion and sometimes not, with the aversion aspects of it being stronger and the shaking less than usual, or not at all, kept noting aversion on a deep level, this thinking coming up over and over that life shouldn't have suffering in it and some pulsing/moving stuff going on near the third eye at the same time...

I wonder if anyone has any experience with metta/brahmavihara being less or more beneficial as an adjunct to noting practice - I think I have tried this before a few times and it does seem to accentuate the space/width/open clarity aspects of wherever I am at while adding more sensation overall, somehow amplifying everything.

20/23 or so at lunch today, fading/sleepy near the end of it...

The effect of the metta as concentration seems to be to amplify all the energetic stuff - its a bit much really and I may shelve that one again for a while.. Was like triple strength DN stuff off cushion this morning, and it was sticky and I was getting carried away by it..
At lunch I had switched out concentration to nostrils and that was OK... Still had very strong stuff, session with Beth was good, did some noting and Essence noting, very painful stuff moving around in the head, but it was good anyway to practice it.

20/35 this AM, a bit hard to finish but I did something different this time with the concentration portion of the sit.

I started at a small point, saw that it was unplesant/unstable and moved it out and out until the width of attention was a at a place where it seemed pleasant and stable. Where I ended up was attention at the skin boundary and somewhat outwards from there, everything sort of indistinct, some sort of happiness - settled in to this as best I could, after a bit that felt unstable so I listened for the ships silently which felt stable, then after a minute or two that didnt feel stable so I shifted back down to the original width.

Two things I noticed in the noting portion - 1 I didnt ever cross A&P, although there was a point at the end where I might have fallen back down through there, not sure.
2 - there was a remarkable amount of space behind many of the thoughts that were noted. This seemed to lessen somewhat near the end of the sit, but it was very clear when noting many more thoughts than usual what was thinking, and many were less sticky, even ghostlike (not sure if that makes sense)..

I will try this again - Idea originally came from Kenneth and I remembered about it while talking to Beth last night.

25/45 this morning, mostly listening for the stars for the concentration, then outloud choiceless - Seemed like there was a knot of tension in the middle of the eyebrows that got alot of noting, lots of sadness, all sorts of different sensations up there, tingling, sometimes images, etc - did have lots of intense sadness yesterday as well, just whats on the plate right now I guess...

25C, 25C, then ~40N this morning... The conentration was mostly essense noting, although I did cross A&P during the first sit anyway, and the second was in some DN territory - the noting was interesting, spent 15? min finishing up DN then got into a flow, noting whatever was there in front of attention, kept at it and peace, calm, stillness, light joy, in some sort of flow, even if something unpleasant occured it was noted and the wheel just kept turning. It was enjoyable to be at peace with the same stuff that ten minutes previous I was not at peace with...(noted enjoyment as well) Did get that feeling for a bit of being able to sit forever but it went away, and near the end of the sit felt like I was backing down the map, ended a few minutes early.

15/40 C/N, concentration was essence noting (silent), noting was choiceless, out loud. Some light joy and openness, space, during C as well as some tensions and movements in the head as is usual, N went normal, felt smooth, got into some flow after a bit of shaking stuff and then peace, calm, space, etc for a while, sense of being OK with whatever was arising, then after a bit felt rough again, shaking and a few rounds of fear/anguish/desire to escape/shaking observer/etc - although still some sense of being OK with it.

second sit yesterday 15/40 also, similar but less clarity and this time the noting part of the sit once things smoothed out veered into sleepytime, dreamland, etc - still doing my best to note everything but the mind felt slow, dreamlike thoughts happening. No drop outs though so I guess I wasn't *that* sleepy...

stopped posting for some reason - Tues/Wed/Thurs did full sits, 15/40 twice each day, with concentration a mixture of essence noting and full-body samatha, taking the entire body at once as object, which seems to work well for me right now. Had a few sits where it was clear that I was in lowish equanimity of sorts, and at least one where I dont know where i was at all and there was lots of 'emo stuff' to note..Also feeling like there is something special about taking the entire body as object at once, seems to make the mind more stable, stronger. When combined with essense noting a few sits I have had quiet a bit of bliss from this, although yesterday this occured and I think it was A&P, which is unusual for me as my A&P is normally choppy/blocky and wildly tingly, instead of blissful and solid.

two sits yesterday, 20/35 and 15/33 or something like that... Glad the days are going to get longer now, I always seem to be at a low point in energy about this time of year.

15C, 30C, then 15/40 - had to settle for a long time after sleeping in this AM - nothing wastes concentration more than sleeping in, for me anyway! Noting normal, pretty sure I crossed A&P while doing concentration, which was mostly full-body-at-once stuff, where I try to find the body just outside the surface of the skin and hold onto it, usually produces positive mindstates - had started with esssence noting but that wasn't happening, although I was able to do it closer to the end of all that concentration. Noting was normal, started in DN somewhere, I maybe re-ob, had ~5 min of everything-ok-as-it-arises with some peace then fell back into cycling unpleasant states.

very lazy day, lots of cobwebs...

30C, then 15/40

C was all essense noting, silent, normal noting was all out loud choiceless as is the norm.

Essense noting makes me go up the maps at times, and this time it did, crossed A&P pretty strongly both times I did it, first time seemed to get back up to some very spacious and accepting spaces for a few minutes but fell all the way back down and back through A&P, second sit essense crossed A&P again and then by the time noting kicked in seemed to be re-ob, which has slowly evolved over the last few months so now it seems that there is a strong sensation which moves from the nose bridge up through the third eye (which seems to be a pure-aversion state at that point), then up in to head/crown but recyles in a bit and starts again at the nose bridge.. Sometimes instead of recycling things will open up and get peaceful, and sometimes that won't happen yet there is, over time, more acceptance of the cycle when it is still present anyway. At times as happened today as well the tension will dislodge some conditioning as it cycles through the head and then that will come up and be predominate as the noting object for a while, with the cycling still occuring somewhat in the background...

Slacking somewhat over holidays, still getting cushion time, two sits Monday as usual, two yesterday one 25C and one 15/30 or so, noticing lots of resistance and aversion, seemingly DN related yet the mind attaching to the upcoming retreat, which starts tonight and in earnest tomorrow A.M....

two normal 15/40 and 20/35 sits today, essence noting and outloud choiceless noting, seemingly a long stretch of ease/peace/calm in the second sit before backing down into re-obby stuff again.. Changed my mind about the location of retreat, going to crack it out at home so I can get the best quality practice in. WIll begin in an hour.. See you all in 5-6 days

back, did 4.5 days about, 10 hours per day at home. Mostly noting but about 1/3 was samatha, mostly essence noting, some metta (a mistake since it intensifies my DN but I can't help it sometimes it comes on so strong)

played around with it but seems that doing a half hour samatha and an hour of noting broken up by 5 min walking was pretty good (legs couldn't handle a full hour after a bit). Had some interestinng states come up including a super concentrated state that had me convinced for a bit that I had possibly gotten path or something - that wore off (next time that happens I will just keep noting forever lol instead of playing with it). Some incredibly blindingly intense DN stuff, seemed like for the whole time my default base mode for most of the day was re-ob, and I would sit down and start noting through changing fear, sadness, sickness/nausea, sometimes pain, then aversion as the tension pulled itself through the third eye and it would start over... After a bit I would stabilize into stillness of what I assume to be low EQ, which sometimes was more still and sometimes had more clarity of thinking. Sometimes this wouldn't happen and I would keep cycling DN though it would get easier and easier, sometimes almost warm and tingly instead of nasty, yet the same charging up process would occur, tension moving from the neck maybe up to the top of the head, some stillness for a bit and then starting over. Three times I think I moved up into a semi-stable stillness where space was very predominate, like palpable, as if I could reach out and touch it. Taking the advice to heart to look for what I am missing with the note and noting it helps alot - All in all it was rough but I felt like I got some good work into some of the higher territory and I got to note some intense DN stuff thousands of times.

This sounds in credibly intense and difficult. Metta to you, and good for you for keeping with it.

Thanks JL.

did 15/40 yesterday, felt like I was much more eq than normal all day, various thoughts coming and going, all OK - emotions very even for the most part.

Got up this morning and did 20/35 or thereabouts, was completely unable to focus, mired in seemingly unnoteable self doubt and images of failure, unable to cross A&P, got into it a few times but kept backing off. Doing my best to note the stuff I was mired in.

15/40 at lunch, essence was a bit better than before.. It doesnt really get me concentrated, but it feels to me that the space and witness aspect are helping me anyway - often I cross A&P doing this before I start choiceless outloud noting.

I have been playing around a bit with noting speed again, I haven't ever tried speeding up the out-loud noting this much, until recently. Not sure if it is a function of the progress over the past year (would this have worked before?) - but if I go just a bit faster than it feels like I can do with the noting eventually what happens is the mind catches up, and even though it produces some franticness, at some point today (and it worked during the retreat the few times I did it) - the concentration gets really strong, like for small stretches I start to catch things faster and the 'hit' is as hard as if I was close to access on a stable object, in terms of the directness.. This may turn out to be a (for now) method of turning up the noting strength as much everything else I have tried in the way of concentration seems to not work well lately. I can if I choose switch to a practice that produces lots of positive vibes but it doesn't make the noting hit any harder or faster, or even make the mind more stable (like I can be very pleasurably focused on the breath while still only being on the object in a very chunky, intermittent way).

another 55 min noting (essense and choiceless mixed) at lunch yesterday...

Good session with Beth - thanks guys for taking the time to point me in the right direction.

55 min essence and choiceless noting again this AM, essence for about 15 minutes, seemed fairly quiet, listening without straining as much. Choiceless seemed all over the place, at random, trying to slow it down a bit and just see what comes up, seemed like nanas were happening, but lighter in intensity than lately, got into wobbly observer shaking after a while, then alternated between quiet/peace and mostly sadness or fear, with images and memories coming up. Near the end had a heck-ton of releasing energy on noting some of the stuff coming up, like I would be fairly peaceful and then calmly note some 'stuff' and wham explosion of tingling all over the head, sense of release, happened 3-4 times I think.

another 55 Friday and Saturday morning, that one for some reason left me feeling extremely angry/irritable for many hours, Ended up noting all day mostly off-cushion to keep from causing problems. Have noticed also that I am still waking up at night with 'chopper blade' vibrations in my head sometimes, something that was happening the whole retreat last week... I spent some time during retreat investigating these vibrations and what they actually seem to be is that the pulse of the heartbeat is coming in out of phase by different sections of the head, like every few inches of the head there is a pulse that is perceived to be not in sync with other pulses, so the overall effect is a big vibration.

55 noting (mixed essence and out loud choiceless) Sunday, Two sessions like that yesterday as is usual for a weekday, and one just this morning.. I seem to be spending more time in stillness and peace, and what I am noticing is that every single thing that the mind does needs to be noted to get there, *every* thing I can find - practicing thought, desire to control, subtle desires, wanting to observer, searching, efforting, all sorts of things that I wasn't really noting before. Not consistent but there is a flavor of 'surfing thoughts' that is starting to arise, sometimes more and sometimes less, although there are still quiet a few things that need alot of noting. Also noting the automatic aversion that arises very quickly when some thing arise, like 'judgemental thought/aversion/self-judgement/remorse' in quick succession.