Marc's practice notes

Again 50 minutes this afternoon. 10 minutes of breath concentration, then noting out loud. There was much less resistance against 'difficult' or 'unwanted' sensations, like pain in my back or feelings of fear and doubt. When there was aversion, I just noted it, without getting swept away by it. At the end of the sit I felt very calm and relaxed, it felt like my body was expanding (while at an earlier point it felt like my body was contracting), and there were vibrations all over my body. When I noticed pressure of tension, it would start vibrating/tingling. Everything was kind of buzzing. A few minutes before the timer went off, I decided to stop noting, but the effect of that was that my concentration started to get a bit weaker. My body still feels a bit tingly, and there's a pleasant buzz in my head.

Just had a 60 minute sit. It was a pretty difficult sit: a lot of impatience and discomfort. Towards the end of the sit there was some relief and more acceptance. Usually I would consider this a 'bad meditation', but it feels good that I did stay on the cushion and kept noting.

Nice on both sits! It's not what shows up that's important, it's that you have those experiences. The experiences train you.

Progress seems very linear at first, then there is a period of "fixing up your weak links in the chain". You will feel like you are falling backward, but you are actually having the experiences that move you forward.

It's as if you are weightlifting and doing something like a power clean and jerk (that olympic move where weights are lifted off the ground and over the head). At first you might increase your weights in a linear way, then you might hit a wall for a little and your legs are sore or your back is sore or your arms are sore. Those bad feelings are the weak parts of the body getting stronger, even though they feel weaker.

Your mind is looking at old habits and patterns of avoiding. It feels like a "bad meditation", but you are seeing more clearly, waking up!

Be kind to yourself, let yourself have bad meditations, it's okay. You are actually making progress.

Thanks Betawave, that's very motivating!

Like betawave said: Great insight in post 223. Those are the kind of things that need to happen in order for things to 'pop.' Good work!

Just had 60 minue sit.
Started with mahamudra noting. I hadn't done this in a while, and it felt pretty good. Felt very calm and relaxed.
Then I switched to regular noting (out loud). Very soon I noticed a tingling wave, and I sawe some flickering light. Then there was coolness, some confusion, feeling relaxed. Worrying, planning thoughts, stress, remembering, regret. After a while I started to feel quite impatient, and my body felt restless. Also pain (stinging) in my back. This didn't last long: I started noticing acceptance and relaxation. The pain was gone and there some mild tingling, and mild visual strobing. About 15 minutes before the end of the sit I noticed impatience again, along with restlessness and aversion. My mind became more active again. I checked the timer: 7 minutes left. I decided to keep sitting until the hour was over.

I just meditated for 65 minutes.
I started with mahamudra noting, ahich induced a very loving and calm feeling. I remembered a situation in which I was angry at a friend, but now without any anger or bitterness, just understanding and love. It felt very pleasant and relaxed.
Then I switched to regular noting out loud. After a few minutes there were a few pleasant tingling waves, followed by a deep sense of relaxation. I started to feel less concentrated, but I did enjoy this state. Then there was a bit of worrying, and some tension in my stomach. Remembering thoughts, regret, tension, unpleasant. The next 5-10 minutes there was more aversion and physical discomfort. Then gradually I felt more and more okay with everything, even though nothing was really changing. I noticed relaxation, acceptance, calm, some doubt, mapping thoughts. Then gradually all of the physical discomfort dropped away and my body felt totally relaxed. Also very gradually I started to notice that the sensations in my arms and legs felt a bit tingly or vibrating. This felt very pleasant. It was very silent and I noticed that in this silence there was a kind of humming sound. My body felt less solid and I felt more aware of the room I was sitting in. I kept noticing the vibrating in my body and after some time it felt like there was some kind of energy build up in my body, and as I noticed this, there was anticipation and excitement. I noticed hope and thoughts about enlightenment. At the same time I noticed pressure in the middle of my head. This pressure started to get more and more intense, and it felt pretty painful. After a while the pressure became so intense that I decided to get up. I still feel very buzzy right now.

Welcome back to high EQ.

This morning I sat for 45 minutes (I didn't have time to sit longer), and I just had another sit (just over 60 minutes). The last sit was pretty similar to the one in my last post, it only took a bit longer to reach high equanimity. At the end everything was vibrating, but there was no build up of energy. Just like yesterday there was a big pressure in the middle of my head, while everything was vibrating.

Sounds like you are rocking it. Just soak it in and let it do it's thing.

I just finished a 60 minute sit. Ended up in Equanimity, but it was less vibratory and spacious than yesterday afternoon, probably because it was a morning sit. I'll sit again later this day, and we'll see what happens.

Yesterday I had another sit of 35 minutes. I felt pretty tired and not very concentrated, and I stopped earlier than I had planned.

I just sat for 60 minutes. As usual, I started with mahamudra noting, then regular noting out loud.
The last 30 minutes of the sit I mostly noted 'vibrating'. When there was pressure, an itch, touch, or anything like that, I would note that and immediately feel it vibrating or tingling pleasantly. A few times I noticed anticipation and hoping, or some doubt, or fascination, curiosity. I was, and am still very aware of some sort of humming silence. Near the end of the sit the familiar pressure in my head showed up again. I noted it, but each time I feel this pressure, I'm not sure how to respond. I think I also noted this doubt. Just before the timer went off, the pressure became very intense and pretty irritating, a bit like a headache.

This morning I sat for 60 minutes. It was pretty similar to yesterday's sit, but there was less pressure/tension in my head. Tonight I've got a Skype appointment with Ron; looking forward to it.

I just sat for 60 minutes (15 minutes of mahamudra noting, then noting out loud).
It took a bit longer to reach my cutting edge this time, and I spent about 20 minutes in equanimity: all physical sensations felt vibratory, the background humming in my 'auditory field' became more noticable, I felt very relaxed and at times a bit buzzy. Now and then a memory of a recent event popped up and I felt very equanimous about these memories; my usual reactions to them seemed pretty silly. I felt very calm and okay with everything.

I'm having "EQ envy" just reading your reports. Enjoy!

Ha, I wish I could share some equanimity with you! You're close to your next Dark Night now, right? That means EQ is also getting closer!

Maybe, but it may take awhile. We'll see. Last time it took months.

Well, I think your first path showed that you've got the persistance and patience for it.

Yesterday afternoon I found a chapel on the train station, so I decided to meditate there for 45 minutes. There were two moments when I seemed to doze off for an instant, and the second time I wondered if it could be stream entry, but there was no bliss wave or anything like that afterewards. The rest of the afternoon I did feel remarkably relaxed and refreshed.

No changes in my evening and morning sit: still a lot of vibrations, but also some doubt and impatience.

I keep nodding off or even falling asleep when I try to meditate in the train. Suggestions anyone?

Note it This is part of Equanimity, at least for me it was.

Last night I sat just over an hour, pretty similar to previous sits. This morning however, the meditation was far more difficult: more impatience, discomfort and doubt, and I only sat for 50 minutes. This evening I tried another sit, but got up after 20 minutes. There's just way more impatience and a lot of doubts about my meditation. It feels like I fell out of equanimity, but hopefully I'm just having an off-day. We'll see how it goes tomorrow...

I just meditated for 70 minutes. All the vibrations and pleasantness were there again, and the entire sit felt very relaxed and calm. The last 20 minutes of the sit I didn't note anymore, and the vibrations intensified and there were a few moments of anticipation, more tingling and excitement. At a certain moment it felt like my focus was expanding. At the end of the sit I drifted off a bit into thoughts.

I'm still sitting twice a day, most of the sits 60 minutes. Off cushion, I feel really relaxed most of the time. I've got a sh*tload of schoolwork to do, but I just don't really care about is, even though I've got some serious deadlines coming up.
I just finished another 60 minute sit: 15 min. mahamudra noting, then noting out loud, and at the end I let go of noting. The last 30+ minutes of this sit were as usual: vibratory and buzzing, just sitting, now and then some intense tingling or building up of energy. Pressure in my head, which also vibrated a few times, but which felt mostly solid. I noticed some boredom, and doubts about what to do now. I never know when to stop noting and just let it all be, because sometimes the vibrations decrease when I do, but sometimes they increase. This time the intensity of the vibrations significantly increased when I stopped noting. My auditory field is still very buzzy.

I just sat for 65 minutes. I started with 15-20 minutes of breath concentration. I had a steady focus and kept the attention on the breath the whole time. After a while I noticed flickering light and some mild tingling, which was very pleasant. When I switched to noting out loud, after a few minutes I noticed some worries, discomfort, mapping thoughts. Then I noticed a strange fantasy, along with disgust and repulsion. There was some impatience, but gradually it went away and my mind became more and more still. There was still a stinging feeling in my back, but when I put my attention on it, it seemed to vibrate. From time to time I noticed a bit of tewnsion in my forehead, but this also vibrated and pulsed. I constantly heard humming/buzzing and there was a fine and subtle flickering in my visual field. Now and then I noticed some boredom and wondering about progress, but most of the time there weren't many thoughts. The last 20 minutes I didn't note anymore, and a few times I noticed that the humming, flickering and vibrating/pulsing had the same speed, and when I realized this, it seemed to intensify. Eventually I got up, because I've got work to do, but it felt like I could have sat much longer.

Last night I didn't sleep well. This morning I had a pretty 'decent' sit, but when I tried to sit tonight, I was way too tired, so I got up after 15 minutes.