Marc's practice notes

Just sat for 80 minutes (first about 20 minutes shamatha, then noting). Went up to my cutting edge within 10-15 minutes after I started noting. Eventually noticed mostly vibrations. The pressure between my eyebrows was there again, and it intensified a few times. Sometimes there was anticipation, followed by a bit of tension, and relaxation. I frequently wondered what I should do, which I noted, and then reminded myself to just let it happen without trying to manipulate it. Letting go completely is easier said than done, but the deeper I get into equanimity, the more naturally it goes.

I just realized it's been over a week since my last post... Nothing has really changed in my practice, so I didn't know what to post.

This morning I sat for an hour, and I just meditated for 50 minutes (15 minutes shamatha, 35 minutes noting). The last 25 minutes or so everything felt vibratory, it felt very clear, and somehow I was very tuned in to the 'no-self' aspect of my experience. At a certain point the question 'what am I missing' popped up. It seemed appropriate, and I think it helped to pay attention to the entire experience.

Oops, double post.

I sat for 60 minutes this evening: 20 minutes shamatha, 40 minutes noting. It seems that I've been getting stuck at low/mid equanimity for the last week or so, probably because I'm still trying to manipulate the process.

I just had a Skype conversation with Ron, which was very inspirational again. The main advice he gave me was to surrender completely, and enjoy equanimity.

I just sat for 73 minutes (20 minutes shamatha, noting the rest of the sit). I went up to equanimity pretty fast, and as soon as I noticed that the aversion and impatience dropped away, I let go of effort. From time to time there was an urge to steer the meditation: I noticed it and surrendered. This felt very natural. Ron also advised me yesterday to keep noting all the way up, because I would stop noting too soon and space out. I was a bit afraid that noting all the time would interfere with the intention to surrender, but it felt really natural. I just watched everything, and when I noticed expectations, I noted them and let go.

Still sitting regularly, at least 90 minutes a day. I noticed that my evening sits started to feel a bit useless, because the main reason to sit at night seemed to be to meet my 90 minutes quotum. I told this to Ron and we decided it would be best to just sit in the morning. So now I try to have a 90 minute sit each morning. In most of my sits I get to a pleasant and accepting state, but it doesn't go very deep anymore. At times I feel a bit discouraged about my practice, it's difficult to stay motivated..

This morning I had a 60 minute sit, because I didn't have enough time for a longet sit. Started with shamatha (about 20 minutes), then noting aloud. Noticed a lot of anxiety and worries for a while, not sure what happened after that, but at a certain point my mind became more still. I just sat, and nothing much happened for a while. Some vibrations, but not very intense, some mild anticipation, buy mostly just a sense of okay-ness. Whenever I noticed striving, wanting, hoping or manipulating, I tried to let go.

I'm trying to pay more attention to mental phenomena the last couple of days, because it felt like the focus in noting was on body sensations, which can feel a bit automatic. It seems to make meditating more interesting when I am more attentive to thoughts and emotions.

Just sat for 90 minutes (20 minutes shamatha, 70 minutes noting, first aloud, then silently). The last 50 minutes or so there was an increasing sense of calm and acceptance, and gradually I noticed more vibrations. A few times there was an urge to steer the experience in a certain direction, or to look for sensations that I associate with high equanimity. For example, the familiar pressure between my eyebrows showed up again, and I 'wanted' it to vibrate (which did happen eventually). Towards the end of the sit I spaced out a little bit.

This morning I had a 60 minute sit, and I just sat for 70 minutes (10 minutes shamatha, the rest of the sit noting, mostly aloud).
I felt pretty concentrated, not much distraction from my breath, and just before I switched to noting, there were a few pleasant tingling waves through my body. Then I noticed coldness and chills, followed by some worrying thoughts, anxiety and tension in my stomach. After that I noted regrets, some sadness, annoyance, anger, judging thoughts. My body felt a bit restless and I wanted to get up. After a while the restlessness disappeared and my mind became more still. I noted wonder, acceptance, thoughts about practice, a bit of impatience. Gradually the sensations on my skin started to vibrate, and I noticed that I was looking for more vibrations and trying to enhance them. I let go of this and the vibrations increased. There was some anticipation and thoughts about what to do. I just tried to observe and note it all. Then there some very fast mental images of and thoughts about 'myself', related to how I see myself and insecurity about how other people see me. Then there was some tension between my eyebrows, which became a bit vibratory. The meditation bell rang and I stayed on the cushion for 10 more minutes.

Sounds good Marc, keep it up!

Yesterday I had one 90 minute sit. Today two 60 minute sits. In the last sit I started with mahamudra noting (hadn't done that for months), which was pretty nice. It ended with what seemed like A&P vibrations, and when I oontinued regular noting (still aloud) I went trough the dukkha nanas, and ended up with periods with a lot of vibrations and periods of boredom/spacing out. The vibrations didn't increase, but seemed to come and go. I'm feeling pretty buzzy now.

This morning I meditated for 60 minutes (15 minutes shamatha, 45 minutes noting). About 30 minutes after I sat down, it seemed like my attention zoome out, and a few minutes later everything started to vibrate. I noted a lot of thoughts about my practice, about stream entry, wondering what I should do, etc. I tried letting go and surrendering to the moment, but that was a challenge. I did really enjoy it though.

My practice has been pretty weak for the last couple of weeks. There were 2 days when I didn't meditate at all, and it seemed like I fell back to re-observation this week. But this morning my sit ended up in equanimity again. I'm determined to get back my momentum. I'm going to finish my tea now and hit the cushion. Tonight I'm skyping with Ron, looking forward to it!

Good to hear from you, Marc. This is your year!

Thanks, Nadav. I hope you're right!

I just sat for 60 minutes (20 minutes shamatha, noting aloud for the rest of the sit). After about 10 minutes of concentrating on my breath, I noticed some tingling waves, and I felt very happy. When I switched to noting, my body felt cold, and there was nothing much going on. Then some worrying thoughts, physical discomfort, and after a while I noticed some memories that went along with feelings of disgust. Then some more difficult thoughts, and impatience. Then all of a sudden it felt like all my thoughts and physical sensations were totally impersonal, just happening without me being involved. I just watched it all, and it felt okay. The noting speeded up and seemed more accurate. From time to time I noticed some vibrations. There was a pressure spot between my eyes, that felt connected to my sense of being me. I asked myself 'what am I not seeing?' a few times, and this question seemed to direct my attention to thoughts about what I should do, wanting things to happen, manipulating my experience, etc. About 10 minutes before the end of the sit, it seemed like I gradually went back to the boundary of equanimity and re-observation.

The last 2 days I had two 60 minute sits (morning and afternoon), and this amount of meditating seems to get me deeper into equanimity, especially in the afternoon. In my afternoon sit yesterday, at first it was very difficult to stay on the cushion, because there was a lot of frustration, impatience and despair, but I tried to allow it as much as possible, and eventually the unpleasantness went away and there was acceptance, curiosity, calm, and lots of vibrations. I tried to note as much as I could, including all the slippery thoughts about practice, wondering what to do next, looking for something to happen, etc.

This morning I sat for 60 minutes (20 minutes shamatha, 40 minutes noting (mostly aloud)). Concentrating on my breath (at my nostrils) felt pretty easy and pleasant. There were some tingling sensations, and when I switched to noting, after a few minutes I noticed some anxiety and worries. Knowing that it's probably related to the fear nana really helps me not to dwell on those fears, and just noting them. The following 10 minutes or so there was a lot of frustration, regrets, annoyance, anger and impatience. Then it seemed as if all these frustrating stuff didn't really bother me anymore, and gradually my mind became more calm and serene. I tried to note as inclusively as possible, but a few times I noticed that my noting was a bit automatic (tension, vibrations, thinking, calm, pressure, etc). Other moments it seemed like my attention was really accurate and panoramic, perceiving the most fine sensations. After an hour the timer rang, and I got up, but it felt like I could have stayed on the cushion for a while. (cont.)

(cont.)
Lately I'm feeling pretty relaxed and calm most of the time, although last night I was suddenly very reactive and hostile to my wife. Very strange.

I'm going to try to stick to the daily 2x60 minutes routine, and we'll see where this leads. I've lost my motivation and momentum at this stage so many times before, and I don't want to let this happen again...

Tuesday 2 sits:
1 hour
1 hour 15 minutes
Wednesday 2 sits:
1 hour
1 hour 15 minutes
Today 2 sits:
1 hour
1 hour.

The last sit (this evening) I spent the last half hour or so in low/mid equanimity. There were some vibrations, but not very predominant, some pressure between my eyes, a lot of thoughts about practice, what I should do, etc., doubt, confusion, but mostly I just sat and observed whatever came up. At one moment it occurred to me very clearly that whatever I experienced, it was really totally okay, I just had to note it. I didn't have to change anything, just note whatever happened. It's been told to me many times, but still I forget this so often...

Just had a very useful talk with Ron. Most important lesson: try to keep noting the entire sit, and remember to also note the doubt!

great post, i'll take those advices also if I may.

Yesterday I had two sits:
1 hour
50 minutes

This morning I meditated for 1 hour (15-20 minutes shamatha, noting aloud the rest of the sit). After switching to noting, after about 10 minutes I noticed some tingling, which felt pretty pleasant. Then I noticed some worries, tension, regrets, remembering thoughts, and very quickly I noticed a gradually increasing sense of calm and acceptance. I really felt at ease, and my mind seemed very concentrated. Every now and then I'd notice a thought about the practice or a bit of doubt, but it was very easy to let those thoughts go. The last 20 minutes pretty much all physical sensations seemed to vibrate, and noting felt very accurate and easy.