Marc's practice notes

I just sat for 45 minutes. A lot of thinking at the beginning: remembering, image thoughts, planning thoughts, thinking about how to do stuff. Also some itches. I felt pretty concentrated. This lasted for about 15 to 20 minutes. Then I noticed some tingling through my arms, which felt pleasant, and I saw a bit of light. Then my concentration dropped away, but there was still pretty much mental activity, and I noticed coolness and difficulty noting. Then a lot of worrying, some anxiety, and some pressure in my stomach. After that still a lot of thinking but not feeling concentrated. Various emotions and thoughts that accompanied each other. Regret, thinking about deteriorating friendships, judgements, noticing an unpleasant taste in my mouth, a negative feeling towards my body. A lot of mapping thoughts and doubt. Then some restlessness, moving a bit, feeling distracted, wanting to get up, waiting. When the timer went off I felt surprised and relieved. Next time I'll try to sit for an hour.

Sat 55 minutes this morning. Noting from the start. Noticed a lot of mental activity and some itches. Pretty good concentration. Then I saw some lights and noticed a few tingling waves. After that I spaced out a few times and felt less concentrated. Some worrying. After that I wandered off a lot, and noticed lots of thoughts, accompanied by various emotions. Also a bit of tingling. The last 10-15 minutes I noticed restlessness, pain, aversion, impatience, waiting, still not feeling concentrated.

Last night I sat for an hour, but I didn't have the time to write in my journal.

I just sat for 30 minutes (I had intended to sit for 45 minutes). Many itches at the beginning, and many thoughts. Eventually some tingling, still a lot of thinking, worrying, annoyance. Then more tingling, coolness, mapping thoughts. Worrying thoughts, doubt, confusion, mapping thoughts. Pressure of the cushion, restlessness, impatience, feeling pessimistic, doubt, thinking about quitting meditating, wondering about whether I'm doing things right. Then I was tired of it, checked the timer and got up. I noted disappointment; I hope I'll be more patient during the next sit.

This morning I sat for 45 minutes. In the beginning I noticed remembering thoughts, image thoughts, imagining thoughts. Also some itches and tension in my back and stomach. Then some moving lights and mild tingling sensations. After that I gradually felt a bit foggy, still quite a few thoughts, but wandering off more, difficulty noting. A bit of worrying, some tension in my stomach. Now and then some impatience and restlessness; I stretched my arms twice. Thinking about friends, regret, melancholia, doubt, mapping thoughts. I'm don't remember exactly what happened around this time: I had difficulty concentrating, but I do remember aversion, some fear, waiting, impatience. I checked the timer, saw that I had 4 minutes left, and after the timer went off, I got up.

I just sat for 40 minutes. Noted throughout the entire sit.
First I noticed a lot of itches, some pressure, remembering thoughts, and fantasizing thoughts. Noticed waiting and mapping thoughts. After about 15 minutes there were a few tingling waves through my arms and chest. The itches disappeared and I noticed coolness on my skin. My mind seemed to slow down and noting was more difficult. My thoughts seemed a bit like a conversation in another room: I could notice them, but I couldn't really follow them. After a short while I noticed more thoughts, mostly worrying thoughts, accompanied by some anxiety and mapping thoughts. Also some pressure in my stomach. Then some remembering thoughts, and a sad feeling and some regret. Still noticing coolness. A bit of annoyance and dissatisfaction, mapping thoughts and hoping for stream entry. It's possible that I'm forgetting certain thoughts and feelings, because it changed pretty fast and I didn't feel very concentrated. Near the end I noticed my back aching, impatience and restlessness. Then the timer went off and I got up.

Yesterday I had a really inspiring and reassuring talk with Ron.
I just sat for an hour. I don't have time to write a full report of the sit, so here's the short version: first a lot of itches and thinking, then tingling, difficulty noting, anxiety, tension in stomach. Mapping thoughts, confusion, doubts, spacing out, not knowing what to note. Waiting, tension in my back, impatience, stretching. Still having difficulty noting. When te timer went off, I noticed surprise and I felt pretty peaceful and relaxed.

This morning I didn't sit, which is pretty unusual for me, so this evening I meditated for an hour. I did noting for the entire hour.
In the start all sensations felt very fast and chaotic. I noticed image thoughts, remembering, fantasizing, hearing, seeing, fear, panic, pressure, tension, itches; all in a very fast pace. I also noticed unrest.
Then there was some tingling in my arms and chest, and the occurrance of sensations became slower and less chaotic. It was now more difficult to note stuff and I wandered off a few times. Then I noticed some worries and tension in my stomach. I'm not sure in what order the following sensation occurred, but I'll try to be precise. There was regret, sadness, thinking about friends, dissatisfaction. Then some annoyance, and I became very aware of the fact that I have a body, which felt quite uncomfortable. After some time I felt a very intense panic, along with pressure in my stomach. Then tension and pain in my back, urges to get up or to check the timer. Eventually I moved a bit and checked the timer. There were 2 minutes left, so I waited until the timer went off. The last 10 minutes of the sit felt very uncomfortable and I was feeling very restless and impatient.
Hmm, I've got a feeling that this report is missing a lot of important details... Well, this is what I remember.

I just sat for an hour.
In the beginning there were lots of thoughts, especially remembering thoughts, planning thoughts and fantasies, and some itches. It was difficult to stay aware of everything and my mind wandered off a few times. Then there were some tingling sensations. After that still a lot of thinking, but feeling much more distracted. This lasted pretty long and I spaced out a lot. Then I noticed some intense anxiety and strong tension in my stomach. I noticed waiting, mapping thoughts, annoyance, doubt about my progress, and despair. I noticed pressure, some pain, waiting. Eventually the timer went off, and I noticed relief and a bit of disappointment about the sit.

This morning I meditated for an hour.
I noticed hearing, remembering thoughts, planning thoughts, fantasizing, pressure, itches. Then I saw some light, and not long after that I noticed tingling sensations in my arms. Noting became slower and my attention gradually became less strong. There was no more itching, and more fantasizing and spacing out. Then some anxiety. After a while I noticed sadness and melancholia. Then I noticed some pain in my throat and I became more aware of my body discomfort. The last 15 minutes or so there was a lot of impatience, restlessness, pain, pressure, and desire to move. I stretched my arms but still felt restless. A lot of aversion and resistance.

I just sat for 35 minutes. In the beginning I noted a lot of tension, especially in my stomach and chest, and some itches, and quite a bit of thinking. After a while I noticed some intense anxiety and pressure/tension in my abdomen. Not long after that I noticed image thoughts, which were pretty disturbing, and I noticed that my facial expression went from neutral to 'grossed out' (I'm not sure how to describe this), and noticed disgust. In a strange way, this felt kind of pleasant. Also mapping thoughts.
After a short period I noticed an unpleasant feeling of chaos: different image thoughts, hearing thoughts, pain, difficult emotions and aversion (but mainly a vague sense of everything being negative). Then I remembered to try to embrace all sensations, whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. I watched all of the chaos with interest and after some moments I wasn't bothered anymore and the chaotic vibe disappeared. Then I just sat and gradually I felt a bit spaced out. there was some very subtle vibrating/tingling. After about 10 minutes I noticed boredom and impatience, and I decided to get up.

This morning I sat for 50 minutes.
In the beginning I noticed a lot of fantasizing thoughts, itches, and some tension in my back. Then there was a bit of tingling, and then it felt like I was less concentrated. After this I noticed worrying, regret, remembering, sadness, muscle twitching in my face. Then I noticed pain in my back and butt, annoyance, aversion, being very aware of all the sounds I heard, which felt pretty irritating. Everything felt overwhelmingly negative and annoying. I noticed fear, impatience, restlessness, waiting, aversion, pain. Eventually I checked the timer and decided to get up before it had reached 60 minutes.

This evening I meditated for 42 minutes. Before I began I had a lot of vibrating tension in my abdomen.
In the beginning there was still very much tension in that same area, as well as itches through my body, restlessness and many thoughts.
At some point I started noticing sensations that were somewhere between tingling, vibrating and shivering, which felt pleasant. Eventually this became more like tingling, and there was some muscle twitching. Still quite a lot of energetic tension in my abdomen.
Then I noticed that the tingling became more subtle and started to go down, I noticed coolness, and then gradually my body felt heavier, until it felt like I wouldn't be able to move anymore; I felt extremely heavy, as if gravity had become much stronger than usual. At a certain point I noticed some anxiety. The heavy feeling disappeared and then there were some family related thoughts, and I noticed some worrying, followed by sadness. Then my mind started to pick up speed again, and I noticed all these disturbing horror-like images, not in a scary way, but more in a disgusting and dark way. My mind felt very fast and chaotic, and I noticed that there was a lot of tension in my head. There was a bit of muscle twitching in my left arm, which became stronger, and eventually my shoulder was shaking quite heavily. There were also stinging and pricking sensations, as well as some pain. (Continued in next post)

(Continued)
It occurred to me that the dark and distorted images in my mind weren't bothering me at all, and that although all sensations were annoying and chaotic, I was really okay with it, like I was watching all this from a distance. The shaking of my arm then gradually stopped, and my mind became still. I was just sitting, and noticed a bit of subtle tingling/vibrating. Now and then I noticed a bit of boredom or spacing out. There were some mapping thoughts, but they didn't stick. It was just very pleasant, in a totally relaxed way. I guess it was like this for about 10 minutes, and then I noticed that there was some more tension in my body, some pain, stinging, itches, and more thinking. I stayed with the growing discomfort for a few minutes, and then I got up.

Just sat for 60 minutes.
In the beginning there were many fantasizing thoughts, some itches, stinging and tension. Also a bit of tingling now and then. An intenser wave of tingling, and then coolness. Still many fantasizing thoughts, forgetting to note now and then. Hearing, anxiety, sadness. The last 20 minutes I noticed a lot of impatience, restlessness, aversion, and still a lot of fantasizing. I remembered the evening sit I had yesterday, and noticed doubt, confusion and disappointment. Also some mapping thoughts. For a moment there was some clarity and calm, but this didn't last long. The impatience and restlessness returned, I checked the timer and saw I had 7 minutes left. Then I changed my position and waited for the timer to go off. My mind wandered off a lot during these last minutes and when I heard the timer bell, I noticed relief and disappointment.

Lately I've been feeling a lot of dissatisfaction with my life, but the last couple of days now and then this feeling makes place for more acceptance and, well, equanimity. Last night I sat for 30 minutes; I was just too tired to stay on the cushion for a longer time.

I just sat for 50 minutes.
Noted fantasizing thoughts, remembering thoughts, itches, pressure, tension, waiting, hoping. The itching increased, and there were lights in my visual field. Not long after that I noticed some tingling sensations, and then coolness, slowing down, boredom, waiting. Then there was some fear, and a bit of pressure in my stomach. Hearing, annoyance, waiting, mapping thoughts. Then I noticed more pressure and pain, waiting, more mental activity, mostly unpleasant. After a few minutes I noticed that I was still feeling pain and thinking quite a lot, but there seemed to be more space. I spaced out a bit, and noticed mapping thoughts. The pain went away and it was a bit difficult to keep noting. After about 10 minutes I noticed restlessness, impatience, pain, more thoughts, and then I got up.

" I noticed all these disturbing horror-like images, not in a scary way, but more in a disgusting and dark way.

"

Disgust in spades. I've had the same thing happen and it was both disturbing and fascinating that the mind could produce stuff like that. Look for disenchantment with things off the cushion too.

Wonderful practice notes by the way Marc. So clear and well written.

Just sat for 45 minutes. First a lot of thinking and itches, then some pretty pleasant tingling waves, and the rest of the sit felt like one big space out, with noting on auto-pilot, and a few moments of clarity. It felt like a pretty useless sit (noting 'disappointment' right now).

I just meditated for 60 minutes: noted the entire sit.
Mostly remembering thoughts and fantasizing thoughts in the beginning, and a lot of itches. Feeling quite concentrated. Then I noticed a few pleasant tingling waves through my upper body. A bit of anxiety, and more tingling. Then my skin felt very cool, and I felt less concentrated. After a while there was some anxiety and worrying. I noticed mapping thoughts and waiting, dissatisfaction with my life, fantasizing, annoyance, and judging thoughts. Then I noticed vibrations in my head, which felt a bit harsh and unpleasant. I spaced out a bit. The last 15 minutes there was a lot of pain, discomfort, impatience, aversion, waiting, and mapping thoughts. At a certain point this didn't really bother me anymore, but that didn't last long.

I just sat for almost 70 minutes, without timer, which is very unusual for me.
This evening I was feeling pretty unhappy and dissatisfied with everything. When I sat down, I nodticed anxiety and fear, as well as pressure in my stomach and itches in different places. Then there was sadness, and I noticed that my face was grimacing. I heard some noises and noticed a bit of annoyance. Then there was a very chaotic feeling in my head, like all these unpleasant feelings were tumbling over each other. There was also more pain and discomfort.
Then I noticed that there was not really any aversion, and I was watching all these sensations happen. I also noticed some mapping thoughts, but mostly calm and peacefulness. Then I noticed very subtle vibrations through my entire body, and whenever pressure would arise, it dissolved into vibrations. I dropped the noting, as it got a bit in the way. For about half an hour I noticed the vibrations in my body. I also noticed that there was some pressure in my heart/chest area, that caused a bit of tension. Eventually this also dissolved into fine vibrations. A few times there was a feeling of anticipation, which gradually disappeared. It felt like I could sit for much longer, but there was a bit of boredom. Then I noticed some pressure on my ears and a bit of pain in my back, and my mind became more active again. That's when I decided to get up.

Hi Marc, this looks just great.
Hang in like this!

Thanks, PEJN!
This morning I meditated for 55 minutes. It wasn't a very concentrated sit; I spaced out a lot.
In the beginning there were a lot of itches and thoughts, mainly remembering and fantasizing. Then I noticed a tingling wave, and I saw some moving light. Then I noticed coolness. The rest of the sit my mind wandered off a lot. At a certain point there was some anxiety, later on annoyance, dissatisfaction, discomfort and a bit of pain. The last 15 minutes I noticed a lot of impatience and restlessness, aversion, resistance, and urges to move. I stretched a few times and changed my position 5 minutes before I got up. After last night's sit, this one felt quite disappointing.

I just sat for 50 minutes. It was pretty similar to this morning. Much waiting and wandering off, and in the end there was a lot of pain and impatience. I guess I didn't really disembed from my experience, and I was kind of hoping for the same quality of meditation that I had yesterday evening.
Next week I have to finish my thesis, but it was really hard to concentrate on it today. What also happens quite often lately is that when I have to work on my thesis, I waste a lot of time looking on dharma related websites, just to avoid my responsibilities. I guess this also affects my meditation, because it causes feelings of guilt, shame and stress, which pop up when I'm sitting.

" What also happens quite often lately is that when I have to work on my thesis, I waste a lot of time looking on dharma related websites, just to avoid my responsibilities. I guess this also affects my meditation, because it causes feelings of guilt, shame and stress, which pop up when I'm sitting."

Very familiar, Marc. Just insert 'trade magazine article' in place of 'thesis.' But just more mind states to note, right?

Hehe. Very familiar for me too. In college I used to block access to certain websites while I was studying/writing. If you're on Mac, this is what I used: getconcentrating.com/ Haven't used up the trial yet :)
I also used a little pomodoro technique application, so I'd focus for 20 minutes, then break for 5. On the breaks I'd lie in bed and note/do nothing.