Marc's practice notes

Last night I talked to Ron; he advised me to do some metta practice before noting. This morning I sat for 60 minutes. First I did metta-pratice for about 15 minutes; it felt a bit forced, but near the end it seemed like there was some feeling of 'loving kindness'.
Then I switched to noting. Pretty soon there was some pleasant tingling, followed by coolness and more tingling. Noting slowed down. Then there were some worrying thoughts and anxiety, remembering thoughts, regrets. The next half hour or so was dominated by impatience, aversion, resistance, pain (stinging, throbbing, warm, pricking), pressure, restlessness and despair. The last 5 minutes there was some relief, and I was less bothered by all this.

Yesterday I had a very busy day and I didn't meditate, except for some metta meditation in the train. I noticed a lot of social anxiety yesterday, which was accompanied by tension in my breathing, tightness in my stomach and chest, and stuttering/stammering. This happens more often, but yesterday was more intense than usual and it really bothered me while interacting with other people.
This evening I finally meditated again, for almost 45 minutes. First I did mahamudra noting (first time ever!) for about 15 minutes. It was a bit uneasy to just note positive sensations (or give unpleasant sensations a positive twist), but after a few minutes I really got into it and I felt pretty calm, open and loving. There was some tingling and warmth, which was very pleasant. I'll do this again at the beginning of my next sit.
Then I switched to 'regular' noting. There was some more tingling, and for 15-20 minutes there were various difficult feelings and sensations (I can't exactly remember what I noted). There was a lot of aversion and resistance, stinging pain, itches, tension, restlessness, sadness, anxiety, discomfort and impatience. Then all of a sudden I felt okay with everything, and gradually the physical discomfort and resistance against my experience subsided. I noticed calm, peace, acceptance, some doubt, surrender, relaxing of my body and joy. I just sat with this, feeling at ease, but I did notice some interpretation in terms of the maps of progress, and after a while some boredom. Then I noticed some restlessness (both physical and mental) and impatience. I stayed on the cushion for a few more minutes, and then I got up.

I've been slacking off a bit the last couple of days. Last night I sat for just 25 minutes; it was a very difficult sit and I didn't have the patience and acceptance to stick with it.

This morning I sat for 55 minutes. First I did mahamudra noting for about 15 minutes. It took 10 minutes to get a bit settled, and then I noticed tingling (mostly in my chest) and feelings of love, care, gratitude and peace.
I switched to 'normal' noting (still noted out loud, for the rest of the sit). There was some more tingling, coolness, and then I felt less concentrated.
After that there was some anxiety, followed by various 'negative' emotions like regret, annoyance, frustration, shame and guilt. There were also a lot of itches and aches (especially in my back). I noticed tension, pressure, aversion, impatience, doubt and restlessness, but also acceptance.
Then suddenly I felt okay with everything, and gradually the itches and aches went away. I noticed peace, calm, relief, gratitude, doubt, wonder, curiosity. There were a lot of vibrations, and when there was tension or pressure, it would dissolve into vibrations or gently subside. At one point I noticed a judging thought about someone else, but then automaticly there was compassion for this person, and the judgment seemed just silly.
After 10-15 (?) minutes I noticed some boredom, and there was some growing impatience and restlessness. I noticed a lot of aversion and several urges to get up. After 15 minutes I checked the timer and got up.

Yesterday I sat for 60 minutes; I reached what I interpret as low/mid equanimity, with a lot of vibrating body sensations and a sort of panoramic awareness.
This morning I sat for 60 minutes. First I did mahamudra noting, for 10-15 minutes, then I switched to regular noting. After a while I noticed a tingling wave and lights in my visual field, which was both very pleasant. Immediately after that I noticed coolness, and my mind gradually slowed down. After this there was some worrying, sadness, disgust and annoyance, following each other pretty fast. Then some physical discomfort (itches, back ache) and impatience, and suddenly I realized that I felt like everything was okay. I noticed relief and joy, as well as doubt, thinking about what to do and investigation. There were a lot of vibrations in my body, and I noticed that all sounds were kind of humming/buzzing. I dropped noting and kept noticing all of this and my field of awareness seemed very wide. There was a great feeling of calm and acceptance. After a while I noticed some boredom and a bit of impatience. I checked my timer; there were 5 minutes left. I waited for a few more minutes and then I got up.

This morning I sat for 50 minutes. I did mahamudra noting for 10-15 minutes and regular noting (out loud) for the rest of the sit.
I went through the usual stuff and during the last 10-15 minutes I was in a very calm and spacious state. All restlessness and impatience dropped away and it was very pleasant. My body sensations were vibrating very subtly, and for a while my sight (with eyes closed) was also vibrating/flickering very fast. I intend to sit again tonight, because I tend to get to my cutting edge faster when I sit at night or in the afternoon.

Sounds like great progress to me. Keep it up! I found afternoon/evening sits were always much better for me too. Less planning thoughts and that early morning 'getting ready for the day' mind chatter.

Thanks for the encouragement, Russel! I read on your thread that it seems that you're already hitting the next DN: that sounds pretty good!
Unfortunately I haven't had many opportunities to sit in the evening/afternoon lately, but I think I will the next couple of days.
I just sat for 55 minutes. First I did mahamudra noting for about 15 minutes. Near the end of that I noticed some warm and loving feelings, and when I switched to regular noting (out loud), after a few minutes I noticed pleasant tingling in my upper body (mostly my arms and chest). Then there was some coolness. After a short while I noticed worrying thoughts, fantasizing thoughts that involved danger and fear, and tension in my stomach. Then I noticed remembering, regret, shame and sadness. After a few minutes there was some annoyance, anger at myself, insecurity, and I started feeling disgusted about myself and others. The rest of the sit was dominated by impatience, aversion, doubt, despair, pain, itches, restlessness and frustration.

Thanks Mark, I really have no idea where I am, but it doesn't matter. I am impressed with your ability to sit through the rough stuff. It's funny, because sometimes when you feel like you are really falling back and having a hard time, it is still progress. You seem to be really, clearly noting so its only a matter of time before things happen, but you will never know when or what it will be like, so don't sweat it. It's part of the letting go process.

Yesterday afternoon I sat for 40 minutes. As expected, I reached equanimity faster than usually.
I just sat for 60 minutes. The first 15 minutes I did mahamudra noting, then I switched to regular noting out loud. For a long time there was a lot of pain in my back, aversion, waiting, planning thoughts and impatience, and after a long while there was a tingling wave and flickering light. Then I noticed coolness and my mind seemed to slow down. The pain in my back had disappeared and after a few minutes I noticed some worrying thoughts and feelings of fear. Shortly after that there was sadness, regret and doubt, and then some quite intense anger. My mind seemed to speed up again and it was very chaotic and hard to focus. I noticed pain in my back and aversion. Then suddenly it seemed like there was more distance between me and all these sensations, and gradually the aversion and pain dropped away. I was just sitting, and noticing calm, relief and some mapping thoughts. After a while my upper body seemed to (very subtly) vibrate, and sounds also started vibrating. My sight was flickering and noting started to feel a bit forced, so I dropped it. After a few minutes my mind started to drift off a bit, so I started noting again. After about 5 more minutes the timer went off and I got up.

It's been a few days since I last posted, but I have been meditating each morning, though my motivation has been pretty low lately.
Anyways, I just sat for 60 minutes. First I did mahamudra noting for about 15 minutes. At the end of this, there was a profound feeling of calm and surrender, and empathy and compassion for myself and others.
Then I switched to regular noting (out loud). There was some tingling through my body, and the following 20-25 minutes it all became more difficult. There were a lot of worrying thoughts, as well as anxiety and annoyance. I don't remember clearly what exactly I experienced, but I do know there was a lot of impatience, restlessness, doubt, confusion, despair, waiting, etc. Then suddenly I noticed that I wasn't bothered by all this anymore, and after a few minutes there wasn't much to note, except lots of vibrations, a feeling of calm, curiosity and some mapping thoughts. I drifted of slightly, but because I was noting out loud, I got back on track almost immediately. There was some pressure in the center of my head. At one point it seemed like I dozed off for a moment, and after that there was a very pleasant and warm feeling through my body, and I saw morphing visuals. I wondered if 'this was it', but I just continued noting. After that it seemed like I was still in equanimity, so I don't think it was stream entry. I was kind of hesitant to mention this here, because it's probably nothing and I don't want to make an ass out of myself. I'm planning on having another sit this afternoon, to keep the momentum.

Hmm.... maybe. Sometimes it's hard to know. Continuing practice is the only way to find out.

There is no making an ass out of yourself around here. I had some weird near misses, if that was what it was. Kepp on practicing and see what comes up. Like betawave said, thats the only way to know.

Definitely keep posting and let us know what happens next. If that wasn't it then it was likely a near-miss, which is pretty common when you are getting close.

Whatever it was, it wasn't stream entry, because nothing has changed in my daily sits. Nothing much to report: still going through the nanas up to equanimity (in my last sit I wasn't very concentrated, so I probably got stuck at low EQ). I don't feel very motivated to sit, beacause it's a bit boring and I feel pretty okay.

Totally normal and like Aquanin said, no way of makking an ass out of yourself around here. Reporting these kind of experiences are just as important as anything else during practice and, frankly, exciting to hear about, too. You never know when new territory is going to show itself. Just keep to your sitting schedule and it will all work out.

I just sat for 60 minutes. First I did mahamudra noting for about 15 minutes. I felt very calm and relaxed. Just before I started regular noting (also out loud), there was a very pleasant tingling wave through my upper body, and I saw some flickering light.
Then there was some coolness and subtle tingling, and I felt very relaxed. After that there was some anxiety.
After just a few minutes I noticed a very calm and relaxed feeling. Soon I also noticed that my body sensations were vibrating. There was curiosity, investigation, joy, relaxation, calm, and just a bit of boredom. There was some pretty intense pressure in the middle of my head. After a while I stopped noting, and tried to just be aware of sensations. The pressure in my head dissolved and everything kept on vibrating.
Near the end of the sit I noticed some boredom, and soon there was also impatience, restlessness, and doubt. I started noting out loud again, and after a few minutes the timer went off.

Last night I sat for just over 20 minutes. This morning I meditated for 60 minutes. It took a lot longer to get to my cutting edge, maybe because I wasn't rested as well as yesterday morning. The last 15 minutes I dropped noting, and I mostly drifted off. It was pretty pleasant, but not very mindfull.

I just sat for 60 minutes. First mahamudra noting (about 15 minutes), then regular noting out loud.
The mahamudra noting resulted in a very calm and slightly euforic feeling, but when I switched to regular noting, a lot of restlessness and aversion appeared. My mind was very active, and I noticed anxiety, annoyance, impatience and doubt. At a certain point all sensations got very chaotic and fast. Not long after that I noticed that everything was okay, and I kind of accepted everything that was going on. There was a lot of calm and gradually all of the chaotic sensations dissapeared. I noticed some vibrations, my visual field was flickering and sounds were also a bit vibratory. There was some pressure in my head. I noticed wonder, investigation, doubt, curiosity. After a while in this state (I don't know how long) some boredom and impatience appeared. My back started to hurt a bit and eventually I checked the timer. There was 1.30 minute left, so I I waited for the bell until I got up.

Just had a 70 minute sit; noted out loud for about half of the time. I ended up in a very calm and concentrated state. There were a bit less vibrations this time, but the tension in my head (which seems to appear every time I'm in equanimity) did break up into vibrations/tingling for a while. The last 10 minutes I didn't note anymore (except thoughts, to keep my mind from wandering off).
Not sure what to do when I'm in Equanimity lately; I guess I should just go on like this.

This morning I sat for 60 minutes (15 minutes mahamudra noting, the rest regular noting out loud). Ended up in a very calm state, with lots of vibrations. Again there was some pressure in my head. I did notice a lot of thoughts, but my mind didn't wander off. Noting felt effortless and I felt very concentrated. Towards the end of the sit I noticed a bit of impatience and restlessness.

Yesterday I did some metta while I was on my way to school, and in the evening I sat for just 15 minutes (I was too tired to sit longer).
This morning I sat for 45 minutes. First I did mahamuudra noting for 10-15 minutes, which was very calming. Then I switched to regular noting out loud. There were a lot of worrying thoughts and aversion, and it took very long to reach what I interpret as Equanimity. Eventually everything settled down and I felt very calm. There were some vibrations, but not much. Sooner than normal I noticed restlessness and aversion, and then I decided to get up.

This morning I sat for 60 minutes. As usual, I started with mahamudra noting. I felt pretty calm, but I still noticed a lot of thoughts about my studies and related stuff.
Then I switched to regular noting out loud. Still a lot of thoughts, impatience, waiting, itching, stinging, warmth, seeing flickering light, a tiny bit of tingling, confusion, doubt, spaced out, relaxation. Some anxiety, regret, melancholia, sadness, annoyance, pain in my back, itching, stinging, rising, falling, impatience, hearing, interpreting, mapping thoughts, restlessness, stinging pain in my back. I changed my position, and soon I noticed more relaxation, acceptance, no more pain, flickering, some tingling, calm. After a few minutes I switched to a very passive position, and stopped noting out loud. The rest of the sit (about 10 minutes) I mostly spaced out.

It's been a while since my last update. My practice has been pretty sloppy lately. I skipped 2 sits and sat much shorter than before. I'm going to try to pick it up again. Sorry for the long silence!
So, I just sat for 45 minutes. First I did Mahamudra noting for 10-15 min. I felt pretty calm and relaxed and then I started regular noting out loud. There were a lot of thoughts, mainly planning and fantasizing thoughts. Also stinging, itching, swallowing, rising, falling, pressure, warmth, tension. Waiting, seeing, flickering, anticipation, impatience. Seeing, a few tingling waves, coolness, less thoughts, confusion, mapping thoughts. Numbness in my leg, fear, thrill, impatience, restlessness, regret, sadness. Anger at myself, regret, despair, self-loathing, restlessness, impatience, wanting to get up, stretching, lust. The impatience and restlessness became very intense, and eventually I decided to get up, even though I had resolved to sit for an hour.

Great descriptions, Marc!

The real development does not happen when sits are easy and everything goes smoothly. When it gets rough and unpleasant, that is the territory where the insights lurk

In our practice everything happens for a reason and development is usually not linear. It is natural to try to steer the ship where we want it to go and I know that letting go of the wheel is far from easy, but the sooner we let the practice have its way and get out of the way, the faster we get where we were in the first place

Hang on there, do your practice and all is coming, no doubt about it.

Thanks for the encouraging words, Antero. I'll have to get in the groove again and, like you said, get out of the way for the path to unfold.