Marc's practice notes

Ron told me in November to try to also incorporate feeling tones in my noting, but I'm not really doing that yet. In this last sit, I think I noted 'neutral' once, and maybe twice 'pleasant'. Somehow it feels a bit forced when I do. I do notice it when sensations feel pleasant or unpleasant, but I just don't note it explicitly. Would you recommend doing it?

You could tinker with it, but it seems to me you're clicking along really well as it is.
I do find that there's something helpful about throwing explicit feeling tone notes into the mix. Anyway, thanks for these posts!

I sat 50 minutes this morning. First counted the breath for a few minutes, and then I started noting.
Noticed a lot of itches in the beginning, and also some tension in my stomach and back. Fantasizing thoughts, image thoughts. I noticed feeling like my posture wasn't right and my back was leaning to the left. More thinking, and then some intense flcikering light, which lasted really short. Mapping thoughts, and then gradually becoming less aware, wandering off, slowing down, not knowing what to note. Then some tension in my abdomen, feeling more concentrated, and tension on the surface of my skin. After that my concentrated seemed to drop away again, and was having difficulty noting again. Then a surge of tingling, going up from my chest, followed by tension in my back, itches, and more thoughts. Again I felt like I was leaning to the left. Urge to move, which I didn't, and eventually a tingling wave. Not long after that I got up.

Sat for 30 minutes last night; it was a pretty typical sit.

Just sat 35 minutes. First did some breath counting, then switched to noting. A lot of tension in my back, itches and fantasizing. Also image thoughts and hearing sounds. I felt like I was stuck in this stage, and noticed waiting and impatience. Then, after a really long time I noticed flcikering light and a little bit of tingling. Then the tension in my back was gone, and I felt like I couldn't keep track of things. I got up and felt very dissatisfied.

Good stuff Marc. This might be a good time to sit for a little longer if you can, say for an hour. If it's too much, walk for 15-20 minutes then sit for the rest (noting continuously).

Thanks for the advice, Nadav. I have intended to sit longer so many times lately, but I just didn't do it. So this morning I sat for an hour. It's my birthday today, so I decided that this would be my birthday present from myself.
First I counted the breath for about 5 minutes, then switched to noting.
A lot of fantasizing, with image thoughts, thinking about today, planning. Some tension and itches. Then I saw some lights, and felt tingling in my arms and chest, and also very subtle pinpricks. Then some more tingling, and after that I felt like my attention was slowing down. I wandered off more, and noticed difficulty noting. Then I noticed a fantasizing thought, which involved some anxiety. Warm feeling in my upper body, and pressure in my abdomen. My mind felt more concentrated again, and just a bit chaotic. I also noticed some tension on the surface of my skin. Then gradually my concentration dropped away again, and I noticed waiting, not knowing what to note. Then a tingling wave, and all of a sudden I noticed tension in my back, restlessness, pressure in my butt. These feelings intensified, the pressure turned into pain, and I noticed an urge to get up. Noticed aversion, impatience, waiting, hoping. It felt like a really long time, and eventually I stretched my arms and tried to sit still. After some time I checked my timer and saw I had 5 minutes left. I got up and tried some walking meditation until the bell rang. I didn't really know what to note while walking.

Just sat for 45 minutes. First sounted the breath for about 5 minutes, then I started noting.
Noticed thinking, planning thoughts, worrying, image thoughts, remembering. Then some rising tingling sensations. After that a few itches, and gradually more difficulty noting, feeling less concentrated. This went on for some time, and then I there was a worrying thought, accompanied by some anxiety and slight panic. I noticed tension in my stomach and warmth, and also increased concentration and a bit of mental chaos. This all gradually disappeared and I felt less concentrated again. Then some tingling, and then restlessness, impatience, tension in my back, waiting, itches, urge to move/get up. I checked my timer, waited a few minutes and then I got up.

This morning I sat for an hour. First counted the breath for a few minutes, then switched to noting.
I can't really much of what I noticed in the beginning. There were itches and tension, and pretty quickly I noticed tingling sensations in my arms and chest. After that I had more difficulty noting, and I noticed waiting, silence, and not knowing what to note. Then some tension in my abdomen, and feeling more aware. This lasted pretty short, and my attention dropped away again. Then some tingling, followed by itches, some tingling in my back and more thinking. Again tingling sensations, slowing down, waiting, hoping, boredom, difficulty noting. Then tension in my abdomen, slight anxiety, more concentration, mapping thoughts, some impatience and restlessness. I stretched my arms and still noticd restlessness. After that I felt spaced out, and noticed boredom and coolness. I noticed an urge to get up and impatience. I checked the timer, saw I had 9 minutes to go and noticed disappointment. A few minutes before the timer went off I changed my position. I spaced out a bit and then the timer bell rang.

Sat for an hour this morning. Counted the breath for about 5 minutes, then started noting. First a lot of thinking about the future, fantasizing, some itches and tension. Pretty quickly a wave of pleasurable tingling sensations. Then some difficulty noting, waiting. Then tension/pressure in my stomach, more mental activity, some restlessness, and tension on the surface of my skin. Gradually less thinking and feeling less concentrated. A few waves of tingling. After that I noticed restlessness, impatience, tension in my back, but also wandering off and forgetting to note. I checked the timer and decided to lie down. After that my mind wandered off several times and I noticed quite a lot of thoughts and fantasies.

Just sat for an hour. I don't have much time, so this is a quick overview.
Cycling back and forth pretty fast. Much tingling, which felt very intense, sometimes accompanied by subtle pinpricks.
Also at one moment some excitement, with a little bit of anxiety, and tension on my skin.
In the last phase of the sit I noticed a lot of impatience and restlessness. Eventually I checked the timer and saw that I had 45 seconds left.

Sat 55 minutes this morning. Counted the breath for a few minutes, then started noting.
Hearing songs in my head, imagining thoughts, remembering thoughts, planning thoughts. Itches and tension, then some tingling, and gradually slowing down, coolness, wandering off, tension in my back. Doubt, confusion, mapping thoughts. Pressure in my stomach, feeling like I'm falling down, warmth, mapping thoughts. After that alot of wandering off, forgetting to note, impatience, restlessness, urge to move/get up. I changed my position, and almost fell asleep, so I got up.

Last night I sat for 30 minutes.
This morning I meditated for 45 minutes. First I counted the breath for aprox. 5 minutes, then I switched to noting. Noticed many fantasizing thoughts, image thoughts, some tension and planning thoughts. My mind wandered off a lot and after 30 minutes I started to notice restlessness, impatience and desire to get up. Also tension in my back. I decided to lie down, and spaced out even more. Noting was really difficult during the entire sit. I had set the timer for an hour, but got up 15 minutes before that.

"Last night I sat for 30 minutes.
This morning I meditated for 45 minutes. First I counted the breath for aprox. 5 minutes, then I switched to noting. Noticed many fantasizing thoughts, image thoughts, some tension and planning thoughts. My mind wandered off a lot and after 30 minutes I started to notice restlessness, impatience and desire to get up. Also tension in my back. I decided to lie down, and spaced out even more. Noting was really difficult during the entire sit. I had set the timer for an hour, but got up 15 minutes before that. "

Great reports, Marc. Difficult territory, but you're showing a lot of determination. Keep it up!

"Great reports, Marc. Difficult territory, but you're showing a lot of determination. Keep it up!"

Difficult indeed, jgroove! It feels like my progress has stopped and I'm actually regressing, but I understand that this confusion and doubt is all part of the path... Actually I'm attending a 5-day retreat next week (my first retreat ever!), so that should be helpfu right nowl. Anyway, thanks for your encouragement!

""It feels like my progress has stopped and I'm actually regressing""

Right on cue.

This morning I sat for 40 minutes. First counted the breath for a few minutes. I stayed pretty aware of my breath, but at the same time I was fantasing and thinking a lot.
Then I switched to noting. Still many fantasizing thoughts, and a lot of other mental activity. Some pressure and tension. Then some mild tingling, and after a short while a more intense tingling wave. Then I had more difficulty staying aware and present, noting was slow and inaccurate. Wandering off now and then, and after about 15 minutes my mind became more active and chaotic again, but noting was still difficult and my mind wandered off many times. Also quite a lot of worrying thoughts and a general feeling that things are not right (difficult to put into words). Eventually the timer bell rang and I got up.

Happy new year everyone!
I just sat for 40 minutes. Felt a bit nauseous (is that spelled correctly?) I counted my breath for a few minutes and then switched to noting. Many fantasizing thoughts and image thoughts, quite a few itches. After about 15 minutes a very pleasant tingling wave through my upper body, and I noticed relief. Then less concentration, difficulty noting, feeling distracted. Then some anxiety, tension in my abdomen and on the surface of my skin. Spacing out again, then some impatience, moving a bit, and then I decided to lie down. Still felt quite distracted, and a few times I was startled by sounds.

I'm going to the retreat later this morning, so I won't be posting until Friday.

This afternoon the 5-day retreat ended. It was a Vipassana and Metta retreat. I'll briefly describe my experience. We weren't allowed to write during the retreat, so my memory isn't very detailed.
The first two days I had a lot of trouble getting into the rythm. At the end of both days, I felt lots of despair, regret, doubt about my progress, and desire to go home. I did manage to note all these unpleasant phenomena, but at the same time I felt overwhelmed by them. I couldn't discover any cycling patterns, which made the doubts worse. Also a lot of mapping thoughts (hm, could this be Re-observation? No, that's impossible! Etc)
Anyway, on the third and fourth day I felt lighter, and even though I was still noticing a lot of pain and impatience, I managed to accept most of it (probably partly thanks to the metta exercises).
Yesterday morning, after experiencing quite a lot of pain, doubt and unpleasant emotions, it suddenly felt like I was totally at ease with all these phenomena and welcoming the pain. Nothing had really changed, but my attitude had. Then the pain dropped away and my awareness felt very panoramic and spacious. It also felt like my hearing wasn't located in my head anymore, but had moved to the center of the circle of meditators. Hard to explain... Whereas all the other sits I felt very relieved when the bell rang, this time I stayed on the cushion for 15 more minutes, resting in this spacious 'vibe' and enjoying it very much. I did notice quite some mapping thoughts (could this already be equanimity? No, that's impossible!), but these thoughts didn't last and I just enjoyed it. There was some pressure in my head, which was kind of unpleasant, and when I tried to investigate it, it seemed to pulse, but also seemed a bit solid. The rest of the day I went back to restlessness, impatience and pain, with various difficult emotions.

(Continued)

This morning in the first sitting session I experienced a pretty calm and accepting mind state again, but not as panoramic and spacious as yesterday.
I'm really confused about where I am on the map, but I try to stay aware of all the thoughts about my progress.
I'm a bit tired right now, so that's it for today. I'm going away for the weekend with my wife, but I hope I can squeeze in some meditation somewhere.

Sounds like a great retreat! I totally relate to "Nothing had really changed, but my attitude had."
Seems to me that you're approaching the equanimity nana. You might find yourself going back and forth between the two 'attitudes' (everything sucks vs everything is fine) for a while

Great report, Marc! Congrats on completing the retreat.
@Nadav, I'm chuckling at this remark (You might find yourself going back and forth between the two 'attitudes' (everything sucks vs everything is fine) for a while). Does this mean I'm in E right now?

"You might find yourself going back and forth between the two 'attitudes' (everything sucks vs everything is fine) for a while"

That's exactly how it feels right now, Nadav. By the way, what I am afraid of, is that I've read so much about all the nanas (and I've read a fair share (is that a proper expression?)) that I'm unconsciously mimicking the descriptions. But I guess I should just note 'doubt' and try to be honest to myself

I just sat for 45 minutes. I started noting from the start, and noticed that I was pretty concentrated. One of the benefits of having done a retreat!
I noticed a lot of thinking: mostly remembering thoughts, but also fantasizing, mapping thoughts, doubts, and a bunch of other mental crap. There was quite a bit of tension/pain in my back, and a few itches. Then I noticed some very subtle pinpricks on my skin, mapping thoughts, disappearing of the back pain. Then still quite a lot of mental activity, but feeling more relaxed. Wondering off a few times. Then the thinking increased, mixed with various emotions. There was some doubt popping up now and then, worrying, fear, planning thoughts. Then some regret, disappointment, dissatisfaction with my life, hearing sounds, annoyance, criticism, remembering, judgments about other people, thinking. This went on for some time, and, as usual, the occasional mapping thoughts arose, mostly accompanied by doubt, fear of tricking myself and others, and confusion.
The pain in my back had gradually returned, and I also felt some pain in my legs. I noticed impatience, and eventually checked my timer. Seeing the remaining time, I felt relieved, and then I noticed calmness. After 3 minutes the timer went off and I got up.

"That's exactly how it feels right now, Nadav. By the way, what I am afraid of, is that I've read so much about all the nanas (and I've read a fair share (is that a proper expression?)) that I'm unconsciously mimicking the descriptions. But I guess I should just note 'doubt' and try to be honest to myself "

It seems to me that doubt is just an intrinsic part of the path--no matter what path you choose--and we'll build narrratives around that doubt regardless. If someone gets rid of all teachings, teachers, maps, traditions and so forth, and chooses to practice on his own, saying "reality alone will be my guide," that person will probably run into a lot of doubt at a certain point. "Am I practicing correctly? Do I really know what I'm doing? Do I need a teacher and a lineage?" Seems like doubt is inescapable. Your solution sounds perfect to me: note it, acknowledge it and keep practicing...