Russell's practice thread

Hey Aquanin.
Metta to you! Hang in there!

Thank you for the support. Needing it right now. Bouncing around today between feeling ok and then definitely not ok.

30 minutes tonight. After a bit I got major itches on my face and they would expand and change and feel like moving vibrations or pressure points moving all over like half of my face and finally dissipate. Other than that, sitting makes me feel good. I need to find more time during the day to at least have a few short 15 minute sits or so. Still have the jaw pain but its not nearly as bad and i noticed my ears ringing and the pulsing of my heartbeat in my ears, but it feel like it is literally behind me and not at the center of my attention. Wow, I just reread what I typed and it made no sense, spelling errors, wrong words...what the heck.. all fixed.

Edit from yesterdays sit. I noticed that when any loud noise (i.e. - house creaking, door opening, dog barking, etc...) happens when I sit I get fairly startled. Not fear per say, but definite kind of started feeling and heart skips a beat.

"30 minutes tonight. After a bit I got major itches on my face and they would expand and change and feel like moving vibrations or pressure points moving all over like half of my face and finally dissipate. Other than that, sitting makes me feel good. I need to find more time during the day to at least have a few short 15 minute sits or so. Still have the jaw pain but its not nearly as bad and i noticed my ears ringing and the pulsing of my heartbeat in my ears, but it feel like it is literally behind me and not at the center of my attention. Wow, I just reread what I typed and it made no sense, spelling errors, wrong words...what the heck.. all fixed. "

That loud ear ringing and jackhammer heartbeat are very familiar. I have at times wondered whether the heartbeat was someone hammering outside--I kid you not!

Oh yeah- I remember a couple of nights lying awake with all sorts of jackhammering and drilling going on... I guess it's the Dharma Guys in overalls and hardhats, doing their renovation work on your head.

Only had a quick 10 minute sit yesterday when I snuck away at work. Horrid anxiety and nausea yesterday and this morning. Feel like I am getting sick. I think a lot of it has to do with our lovely cedar trees starting to pollenate and that mixed with my inner ear problems. I have a chat with Ron tonight so I hope I can get some more clarity on some things and report back later.

Had a great chat with Ron last night. Thanks Ron! It always makes me feel better to talk to someone about this tough stuff. Looks like I am moving along swiftly, I just have to hunker down and push though. Going to add more concentration practice at the beginning of my sits and see how that goes. Also, going to try some Metta practice during the hard times as well. Will post after my sit tonight.

As I sat tonight I tried to get strong concentration and it did feel like i could note better once I was concentrated. I did get to the point where I was mostly noting itching, tension in my jaw, lower back etc'¦ then i noticed my face muscles around my nose start to twitch, and so I was grimacing quite a bit. I did have a pretty miserable day until later this evening. Still trying to hang in there. This whole dark knight thing reminds me of a song called "The Way Out is Through" it repeats - "All I've undergone, I will keep on" I've just got to remember to keep on keeping on. I wish I could have felt more clear minded and accepting like this earlier today when I was feeling miserable though.

2 sits today. One 15 minute and one 30 minute. Felt like I slipped back, didn't have as much DN stuff going on. It may be because Ron wanted me to so concentration before beginning insight meditation, not sure. It seems like the only thing that helps my off the cushion "stuff" right now is sitting though. Almost felt like I just started to get some of the misery type stuff in my 15 minute sit today but the 30 minute one almost felt like I just hung out in a chilled out Dissolution for a while. I was very sleepy and distracted.

Let's see, Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it. Long day of presents and kids and in-laws. Was a much less stressful day which is odd. Anixiety is decreasing for some reason, could be weather related.

Sat for 35 minutes tonight and started with concentration practice till I saw the lights and slight raptures (A&P is much less pronounced now) then started noting. This is the first time where I really noticed the Knowledge of Fear nana. Ron thinks since I have such a high tolerance for anxiety, I got through it straight to Misery without too much problem other than the off-cusion stuff. I still feel more foggy and things progress smoother (harder to notice the nanas) and slower when I start with concentration practice.

The Fear came on this way. All of a sudden, although I was sitting like normal, I got the feeling something was terribly wrong with me and then I heard (in my head) my mother law saying "Russell, Russell, are you ok? are you ok?" almost like I had lost consciousness and someone was trying to wake me up. (I do have a fear of passing out in public, dunno why) after that stage I got foggy agin but started noting terrible back pressure/pain, itches, but not as much as I have in the past (note: smoother transition into Misery I think)

I am really trying to focus on noting when things get foggy and I think it helps me push through the nanas, albeit slower than normal it seems.

30 minute sit tonight. Not much new territory other than I feel like 'misery's more prominent. It seemed like itches and, jaw tension and lower back pain were fighting for each other. I would note itch, itch , itch but they would all be in different places as well as adding pain - unpleasant in there too. Also, any house creak or fridge turning on etc would startle the hell out of me too. A&P type stuff is still very faded. I seemed to spend less time in Dissolution and could note a little better and didn't get lost in many thoughts. Timer went off and I wanted to keep sitting to investigate the territory but my wife came into the room and I stopped.

Probably sat for over an hour today. 10 min in the morning. about 30 min when I had acupuncture and then 30 min just a few minutes ago. The 1st 2 sits were mostly concentration, my vipassana sit tonight was interesting. Started with concentration until I saw lights basically, then noticed definite sinking dissolution, then I felt like I went straight into almost a different jhana like place but it was a bit fearful. I felt a strong pulsing and ringing in my ears then i felt like I started spinning which cause anxiety but I felt a rising like I was being absorbed by the state, the spinning stopped, I calmed down then the scrunching of the nose began. This whole time is was hard to keep noting, but I did my best. Then I felt like things calmed further back down to dissolution and then I got very startled by a sound. Not sure what all of that was all about. Felt like I cycled through the DN stuff pretty rapidly, from what I can notice. Some if it is hard to see and its not all unpleasant to watch. Hrmmm.

After my sit last night I had these weird profound questions going around in my head as I lay trying to sleep. I just lay there wondering to myself why our brains become the way they do, and why we have to cling to things and create our own suffering unbeknownst to us. I made me almost want to figure out how it all works and raise my children differently. Hard to explain (as most of this is) but I wanted to note it here so I can come back and read through all of this later.

35 minutes tonight. Got concentrated more quickly than usual it seemed so I started noting and I got the pulsing heartbeat like sound in my ears and loud tinnitus type ringing again, noted itching like crazy all over, it was moving everywhere. Finally notice grimacing, tensing around my nose and then noted ringing and stayed with it because it grabbed ahold of my attention then my nose and facial muscles started spasming uncontrollably and my breath increased dramatically. Very strange and anxiety inducing but I let it happen as it was happening. When it finally stopped my face felt like it was still very grimaced but I gradually sunk back down, ear ringing stopped and itching started back up, so bad that I had to scratch my face once, which I never feel like I have to do.

Man, this is getting interesting really fast.

Longer sit tonight. Pretty close to an hour. Frustrating sit with lots of phone call interruptions, dogs barking etc, noted them but ughh. It seems that I get to a point where the only things to note are my breath and the loud ringing in my ears which turns to pulsing when i move my attention to it. I still got the grimacing and twitching in my nose, its weird, like I know I am doing it but I cannot relax my face. At one point my stomach started hurting and a burped. (sorry I know thats gross) Not sure what to make of all of this. It becomes hard to find anything to note at certain points in the sit. Like I said before, ringing is predominant, I hear it but it feels like it is behind me. What do I do when I find it hard to find anything to note other than one particular thing?

30 Minutes vipassana tonight. Started noting right away, noticed 1st 5 nanas very clearly and very quickly, almost felt like I stayed in Dissolution the rest of the sit though. Was hard to note. Ringing in ears again and pulsing in right back of head/ear, hard to tell, did remember noting lots of itches and tried to really notice the end of sensations clearly.

Last night, 1st nanas were much less clear but 5th was very clear, heard a firecracker go off, noted "hearing" then got visions of the dried christmas tree in my backyard getting a spark from the firecracker and setting the yard and fence ablaze. Noted "imaging thought", "unpleasant", "anxious", "scared", more "imaging thoughts." Brought up some major anxiety as earlier this year with all the wildfires in the area, we had to evacuate our neighborhood and 25 houses burned down just a 1/4 mile from my house. After that, I felt like I slipped back to Dissolution, because it just felt hard to note, but then got the itching and back pain, nausea etc. Nothing that I couldn't handle and note, but maybe this is Re-observation? Dunno, doesn't matter I guess. It's just increasingly getting harder to really do some good noting, getting a bit frustrated. I also have a bit of a cold again. (having 2 young kids seems to bring that on all the time this time of year) but I don't think thats why i feel so foggy headed.

30 minutes tonight. Tried to start with concentration practice first and move to noting. Took longer to get going because of my cold, but got to A&P like stuff, then definitely went straight into dissolution, started to get hard to note, then got itches, no major grimacing, but something newish came up towards the end of my sit. I was getting like a static, almost prickling sensation all over my face and realized it was kind of all over my body. I was quite sleepy during this sit so it was much more difficult to note properly it seemed.

Another note to self: Seems as though the DN stuff affects me way more off the cushion than on. I think already having large amounts of anxiety allows me to almost have to hunt for the symptoms when I am sitting. Well not hunt, just be very mindful, because amy natural state is already on pretty high alert. I feel more relaxed and calm when sitting even when I am itching, or having fear like visions etc, because for some reason I feel safe. On the contrary, off the cushion, anxiety and fears have multiplied and has not been a fun ride. New years resolution #1, try to note during the day especially during high anxiety moments, trying to find where the anxiety is in my body.

Anyone else experience this as well?

"Anyone else experience this as well?"

I also find that I am much more reactive off-the-cushion if im currently in the DN, than on.

Noting during the day has been an amazing practice for me during the day, it allows me to have some of the sense of freedom which I get from sitting, while doing anything.

Same here. I have had overwhelming anxiety off the cushion during the DN, but meditating itself hasn't been that bad, although my concentration has been difficult and vibrations have been harsh. But the major part of my symptoms have been off cushion. I've also had some pretty bad nightmares. Noting helps a lot. Sometimes I've been too far advanced into the mindstate to get the wherewithal to note, but it's the ticket to more freedom nonetheless.

Thanks. I figured I wasn't the only one. I am trying to hold it together. I have a cold right now so its even worse. And the cold is making my concentration turn to **** for some reason (I am really used to being able to breathe out of my nose and I can't at all right now). Well its either that or typical DN stuff. Did about 50 minutes today. I am ready to get back to normal life after all the holiday madness. Seems right when I sit and close my eyes i get flickering (strobing) immediately and then it settles down to lackluster concentration. Typical itches and lots of loss in concentration the last few days (monkey mind) which is odd cause my concentration has been fairly good in that regards lately. It has been hard to note but I never chase thoughts until the last few sits.

Just making notes to myself again. I usually never remember my dreams but I had some anxiety inducing ones that kept me up last night. I also feel like the close people in my life are more distant but I don't know if it is me pushing them away or them backing off.

30 Minute sit last night. Finally almost able to breathe out of my nose again, that helped. Still finding it frustratingly hard to note. Feels like backsliding, hard to even notice A&P like stuff but I'm trying. Off the cushion was a very mixed day yesterday. As my cold started feeling better I started having a much better outlook on life in general, but before that I was have a really rough time. Really feeling my "self" slip away yesterday during the bad anxious parts. I just felt obliterated like I was not the same person I was years ago, and what does that even mean? Who am "i"? What am "i"? How can "I" enjoy anything? Especially if i feel so crappy.

Feeling a bit better about things today, whatever that means. Of the 3C's, the "no-self" is the hardest for me to fully realize, and I am sure that is what all my DN stuff is about. I feel like I have solid insight into impermanence and suffering, but learning that it's not happening to "me" is proving tricky beyond a cognitive understanding.