Russell's practice thread

Thank you both. This is really helpful. I have some reading to do. Anyways, the reason I am asking is I am still having moments of major panic type anxiety. I feel like I need to just lay down for a week. I truly hope this calms down.

Russell, the same thing happened to me. Give the process time. Some helpful things to remember:

You may find yourself having lots of panicky thoughts. Let them come and go without attaching to any of them. The one thought that helped me, though, was that my sweet little lizard brain was just running around in a great big tizzy trying to protect me from something strange that it couldn't recognize. Send some metta to your lizard brain. Even imagine a little creature that's utterly clueless and send some love to it.

Remember that whatever you're thinking and feeling right now is temporary. It will not last. Things will sort themselves out, but they'll take time.

Another thing: I did practices that grounded me, like walking meditation. I really focused on the sensations of the soles of my feet hitting the floor. Do it barefoot. If you sit, watch and feel your breath go in and out of your belly. While you're at it, send your attention to your bottom on the cushion. If you can get outside for walks, do that.

I also let myself engage in distraction, like reading a novel or watching a video. I still do. What I found immediately after SE is that I didn't want to let myself get too concentrated. Others may differ, but that's what it was like for me. This whole process is disorienting, especially to fear types like us. We're just doing what we do best, right? But then every so often I'd drop into a lovely moment of calm. Savor those moments. They're real.

Oh, and one last thing: I kept feeling defective and guilty that I wasn't having the kind of good time that I thought I should have been having (which goes to show that a person can drag her silliness with her across this threshold). These too are thoughts to be noticed and allowed to come and go.

Lately I've been reading Adyashanti's *The End of Your World*--fabulous book.

These are both wonderful - Nadav - I love your description of the jhanas. Laurel, that is such helpful and practical advice. This is why the forum exists. Awesome stuff.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Nadav, very awesome post on the jhana's. I have it bookmarked and will use it as a guide.

I had a very rough patch yesterday but continue to get glimpses of those moments of calm you speak about, Laurel. Thanks for the book recommendation. Glad I have a Kindle, already downloaded and ready to go. Looks really good. I have to say Laurel, I do not know you personally, but I followed your journey (because a lot of it lines up with mine), and when you got path it was very inspiration to me, so thank you for posting here.

Big Thank you to Ron. The best move I ever made was to stop being scared to try vipassana and reach out to a teacher to guide me through this. Very glad I found you.

And thank you to all the people here that have posted their own journeys, just reading through the posts helps immensely. And I have to say thanks to Kenneth, Vincent, Daniel, and Lama Surya Das who all indirectly led me here somehow.

This will all be worth it.

Things are better today. Was up very late last night though driving home from visiting family and when i finally got home I went to bed but closed my eyes and had massive strobing immediately. It calmed fairly quickly. I think I am going to do most of my sitting at night after the kids are in bed and the day is done, at least while I am settling in to this.

Did a 35+ minute sit tonight after a good day (finally). Noticed less energetic A&P and then things became blurred after I noticed Dissolution. However, I kept having what felt like mini absorptions. Kind of like entering Jhanas but not very intense, almost like state shifts of some kind. Once again I didn't notice a cessation but at some point it seems like I was back at A&P, but I'm not sure. I was a little sleepy during the sit, but it's amazing how good my posture and concentration is, despite being a little drowsy.

A belated congratulations Russell!

"A belated congratulations Russell!"

Thanks. Still doesn't feel real. This morning hasn't started out that great. Trying to tell lizard mind that it's ok!!

The morning crud left me about noon and I have truly felt great the rest of the day after doing a little bit of concentration practice. It seem thats all my mind wants to do. When I sit, its like instant concentration and everything is so still. My mind wants to either just do open awareness or concentration practice and not noting for some reason. Really feel some great moments of clarity today. Seeing how silly my mind was acting before. I used to cause so much of my own suffering. It feels like the first glimpse at something so much bigger.

Just has another quick sit. Tried noting this time. Noticed A&P right away. Almost got absorbed in what I am assuming is 2nd jhana because it correlates to A&P. Noticed sluggish noting then right to grimacing/quivering around nose just like how disgust presented itself back when I was in the dark night. Then i didn't clearly see anything else till EQ but I seemed to just stay there and. It repeat the cycle. Should I be getting fruitions at this point? Or do these things take time to settle in still.

You are getting fruitions, just not noticing them. Whenever you find yourself immediately in A&P from equanimity it means that one happened. I personally didn't actually notice them until after 2nd path.

2 semi short sits yesterday. 1st sit was more concentration based practice. I noticed almost right away that I can get absorbed in 2nd jhana (corresponding to A&P) quickly if I incline towards concentration. Was very tired last night, but my second sit I tried my best to note and it was a short A&P right away, then Dissolution (noting lag, relaxed) then DN stuff itching etc, no grimacing this time, I seemed to jump to EQ quickly this sit, then found myself back at the beginning again (I think) My A&P symptoms have never been as crazy as some people mention here. More subtle, but I found my focus go from expansive and calm, to kind of an eyes squinting sharp focus with lights and rising heartbeat. It's funny, I was absolutely exhasted but my concentration is so good now, I feel like I sit like a Zen monk, unmoving, good posture...

Daily life has been getting better. Less energetic off the cushion. Sometimes I find myself giggling at the way my brain used to work. I used to think all kinds of stuff caused my suffering. I would say to myself, ohh I shouldnt have had that cup of coffee, now I feel dizzy; I bet the allergies are bad today, my ears are so clogged; if I eat this, it will make me feel bad, etc... Now all of this banter I had in my head seems silly, so I have days now where I really feel good and not beaten down by my internal dialouge of questioning why I am suffering.

Does this stick? Or will I most likely fall back into my old ways of thought when the next path starts?

I'm always late for the party... it's great to see that your practice has borne fruit!

If your experience is like mine, then later on, there will be times (many) when you FEEL like you are back to your old ways, but with a bit of reflection, you realize that, while the pattern is the same, the *intensity* of suffering you used to feel just isn't there. It's not the end of bad days, by any means. But you are so much better-armed to handle them now!

Thanks Rob. I feel better armed, however, things are still unsettling at times. Litterally feel like I am cycling all the time I guess, sometimes things are really good and sometimes it hard to get out of my head again. Tricky stuff.

Last day and a half I have been having trouble keeping old mind habits at bay. Felt a lot like right before SE again. Kind of anticipation and anxiety about physical sensations. Now, I don't want to go guessing, and this seems way too soon, but I felt like I might be shifting to Review Phase B already. Last night when I sat, it took a tiny bit of settling to get A&P like stuff, then I went up to EQ and then the annoying whack-a-mole itches started again like I was going back to re-observation instead of jumping into A&P again. I have to try this again to see but in retrospect, thats what it felt like.

I didnt get to sit much yesterday. Only maybe 25-30 minutes. OK, maybe it's because I don't have a lot of motivation to sit, but I am still sitting no matter what. Anyways, it felt more solid than it has in a long time. By solid, I mean that, I feel like I just sit, not as much vibrations, more gross sensations. I'm going to talk to Ron about all this tonight, so that is good. However, I had a strong distaste to all the maps and path lingo yesterday. I am not sure why, but Post-path they seem like they are less useful and I don't want to focus on them. When I sit, I just want to sit and not think about where I am.

I have to thank Laurel for telling me about Adyashanti's "The End of Your World" This is summing up my recent experiences perfectly. I feel almost bi-polar like. One minute, I feel wise and "awake" then next, in the pits of despair. Not fun, but reading this book seems to help.

Talked to Ron last night. Thanks Ron. Seems I may be flipping back and forth between Review and next path. Didn't think it would happen this fast, but I'm on the ride again whether I like it or not. (Which depends on the day at this moment)

Sat for 35 minutes tonight. Pretty much think I have started 2nd path cycle now. Felt like I went through the 1st 3 nanas kind of up and down throughout the whole sit and towards the end I felt like I started to get a taste of A&P (bright lights and felt like it was building to something but never came). The sit consisted of noting thoughts followed by physical sensations (mind/body) then I would get the back pain/itches all over (the solid kind, not like re-observation where they just arise all over and disappear) then it would kind of switch back down, up and down the 1st 3 nanas for a while.

Trying to decide if I want to start a Part II thread or not. Very confused about my practice. Feels like its easy to get concentrated but hard to note. My mind wants to just notice instead of mentally note. But I am doing my best. Cycling off the cushion has never been more pronounced. I seem to spend most the the AM in Dissolution and then the afternoon, is so much better, like I am in Equanimity.

"I have to thank Laurel for telling me about Adyashanti's "The End of Your World" This is summing up my recent experiences perfectly. I feel almost bi-polar like. One minute, I feel wise and "awake" then next, in the pits of despair. Not fun, but reading this book seems to help."

I'm glad he's been helpful--I just got "Emptiness Dancing" as well because I felt like reading more of him.

I admire you for sticking with practice even when it's difficult. My motivation is beginning to return, finally. I have no idea where I am, but I think I might be starting a new path as well, probably "Mind and Body."

So, as I dance between review and my new path I am noticing fruitions finally. It seems as though when I flirt with the new A&P, the buildup of energy is bouncing me back and I have a 'conk out' so to speak. It has happened multiple times now. Sometimes more than once in a sit. As I sit, I start to feel some buildup of energy and see some lights then conk. No idea what happened, but I snap out of it a little more energized and continue. I know I am not dozing off and I have no real recollection of what happened. It almost feels like it happens to the side of my head. Hard to explain.

As I continue to practice, motivation is coming back but not to the point where it was before SE where I would stop anything to sit. Still hard finding enough time, however sits continue to kind of unfold on their own. I cycle like crazy off the cushion too. When I sit I easily get concentrated doing 3 X 10 breaths then start trying to note but it still seems like I want to not note but just notice like when I was in EQ. It almost feels natural to just notice all the sensations/thoughts/emotions without proper noting. Is this ok after 1st path or whould I continue to force noting? I still do note but it slower and more like when I was in Lower EQ.

Just sat tonight and I have no idea where I am but almost felt like EQ at some points. Got the 3rd eye tingling pressure and everything. Very odd. Kinda don't care where I am but I do keep getting lost in thought a bit even though I am heavily concentrated it seems. If I hear any noise, its stuns the crap out me and sometime I get bright strobes when the house creaks. Anyways, confusing, but nice...