Russell's practice thread

Quick sit this morning. Feel a little bit better today. However, my sits are really confusing. I don't feel much cycling through nanas, it feels as though once i get concentrated, the equanimity chill out just builds until it becomes equanimity buzzing/vibrations. At least this is how I interpret it. I can note, but the noting becomes slower and then I sometimes stop on my own and just kind of bask in it, but something feels like it isn't right. Hard to explain. Almost like EQ is much more work that DN as far as letting go is concerned. I feel like DN is about finally accepting, but EQ is about not straining and letting go and that equally as hard. Does that make sense? And anyone know why it feel like I don't see things early in my sits as clearly?

I don't know if others will see it this way, but I will venture a guess: if your "baseline" is in Equanimity, it's not the same experience as when you are reaching Equanimity through the baseline of a lower nana.

Kenneth once used the analogy of an army marching. When your "baseline" is in the dukkha nanas, your army might be camping out in the dukkha nanas, but your vanguard occasionally reaches Equanimity, during a sit.

It's a different matter when your army is now camping out in Equanimity. Only a few slow-marching, undisciplined stragglers bother passing through the other nanas any more

I imagine that the reason they distinguish between high and low equanimity is that there is still a subtle resistance.

However, once you are high equanimity, there is no resistance. You don't get stream entry because you "strove" to reach that finish-line. High EQ *is* the finish line, as far as what "you" can do is concerned. Stream entry happens when, for one infinitessimal moment, your attention adverts to emptiness instead of another object.

So, after all this effort, it's counter-intuitive to stop making an effort, and yet, that's what you have to do, since if you make effort, that just becomes the object you advert to instead of emptiness. But I don't think we even know what "not making an effort" means, until we are in high EQ. So yeah, that letting go is very subtle.

Makes sense. I just wish (although I am not striving) I was camping out in Equanimity all day. Except, I feel like I camp out in DN all day then when I sit and reach EQ pretty fast. The best I have felt off-cushion is after a sit when I think I accidentally started to focus on one object in EQ and then instead slipped into a concentration Jhana. I am not sure that is what happened, but I describe it in post #72.

The not making an effort is the hardest part of EQ for me so far. In my sit last night. I did concentration practice for 5 min or so then started noting, I get to a calm peaceful state pretty quickly and begin to get caught up in thoughts a bit (which wasnt much a problem for me in the past) and I am tending to drop noting probably too soon because when I do I seem to automatically go back to it after a short time. I think I need to continue noting until it almost drops itself.

Having a "desire for deliverance" type of day. AHHHH MAKE IT STOP!

35 minute sit tonight. Feel like I hang out in low EQ for a while then I think I'm trying to force things too much. I start getting vibratory and try to focus on one thing but it seems to fall apart a bit. I think I just need to get deeper into high EQ before dropping the noting. I have constant thoughts of 'I am doing this wrong' It feels calm and great and all but I think I need to culminate things more before I let go. Any tips?

Last nights sit was 35 minutes and I sat for 10-15 earlier in the day. It was a good sit but I felt like the timer went off right when I was really getting going. Vibrations, calmness, content. So I decided I would wake up early and sit for about 75 minutes or so. Woke up, then my daughter came in the room and needed to go the the bathroom, got her back to bed. Started my sit. I remember why I don't sit in the mornings that much anymore. It was pretty uncomfortable until much later in the sit. However, I really felt like I saw the nana's clearly again. However, I was very distracted by songs in my head, planning thoughts for the day, my daughter coughing, cats meowing. Started with some breath counting, then got the itches, then lights, then difficulty noting, then anxious thoughts of my kids in the hospital (fear for no reason), then itches again, then feeling of hunger/nausea in my gut, then just general pains, lack of concentration, until finally i saw lights again and the tingling around my crown, but this is where things ended cause my daughter came back into the room complaining about something (grrr) It was 65 minutes. I'll sit again tonight for another 45 mins or so and see how it goes. I feel very lost/confused right now as things seem to have gotten harder that they should be. Almost feel stuck in some sort of distracted Dissolution type phase where I can't catch thoughts (even when I had the monkey mind pretty much under control) Kind of hard to note things really well.

Much better sit tonight. Total sitting today 1 hour 50 minutes. Felt like I sat down and was immediately concentrated. A little twitchy but much better concentration that usual. Started noting. Few itches, calmness, pain, pressure, path thoughts, hearing, imaging thoughts etc.. Felt like I could note again with speed and accuracy. Felt chilled out. Then my mind wanted to stop noting again, so I tried focusing on one sensation, the vibrating in my hands, Seems like I was jumping around still, because I would jump to another sensation. At one point I felt like I was part of the room that I was in. Almost like I became part of the floor, etc..

Do any of you just go back to focusing on the breath during EQ while still watching all the vibrations all around?

Had another short sit just now and after 15 minutes or so this same phenomenon happened again as above, where i focus on the vibrations in my hands and then they "dissapear." Like I can't sense them at all, they may as well be any other object.

All of that sounds very familiar. When I'm in Eq I do "open awareness."

Tried to be very open in my sit tonight, lots of vibrating at the crown and at the hands and legs. They go almost numb, but they aren't 'asleep'. Realizing this is about doing nothing at this point really. Trying to just observe all the vibrations and open space without looking for anything.

"Realizing this is about doing nothing at this point really"

This is the hardest part of the whole thing for a lot of folks. Up until this point things have been all about wise effort. Now it is switching to wise non-effort. Doing this skillfully can be so tricky and a real shift in attitude is needed. I know I struggled with it at first and I'm sure a lot of folks on the forum are struggling with it too.

Russell, your practice is coming along beautifully!

Thanks Ron. It always helps to hear inspiring words! And also to wake up to see JLaurelC's good news! Truly inspiring. Time to go sit.

Quick 35 minute sit. When the kids are in the house it is always a bit harder for me to concentrate. But I shot up to EQ pretty quickly. It seems, with the exception or the other morning, every time I sit, I get concentrated faster. My mind was darting around quite a bit with a few moments of very wide awareness that didn't last long, but I am very dazed after that sit. I'll hopefully get one more in tonight but I have to go out for a Birthday dinner.

I'm not sure if it because I am spending more time in EQ lately but my off cushion anxiety seems like it is more manageable. This could rapidly change I am sure but it feel better right now. I just tried to sit in various locations yesterday, even if for only a couple minutes. And right when I sit things seems to pulse a little bit and my hands start getting tingly right away. Not sure what to make of that. Will be trying again today for sure. Also, forgot to mention, but for about 2 weeks i have been having intermittent tingling in my solar plexus chakra area when off the cushion. I have no idea what that means.

Sat later in the evening last night. Set my timer for 35 mins but sat for 50. I get instant tingling in my hands right away and get concentrated very quickly. Then begin noting with ease but it drops away on its own so fast that i dont even realize it. Feels like I am doing deep concentration practice now and things feel really good. Lots of vibrations everywhere. Actually when I decided to get up, I went to bed but couldnt sleep so I continued to meditate for at least another 30 minutes in bed. I was just tingling all over. Off the cushion has been hit or miss and I still get my anxiety but I am starting to feel like I see it and I know it won't do me harm, whereas before I felt like I was going to pass out or what not. I was wrong about my solar plexus (i dont know much about chakras), thats not what is vibrating during the day, it is my spine, right in the middle of my back. It is tingling almost all the time now.

Had a good sit last night with similar experiences as the previous post. Not quite as vibratory because I didn't sit as long I guess.

I also already sat for 45 minutes this morning. For some reason the mornings are tougher for me. I need to keep doing it though because it is starting to be the best time for me. It is harder to concentrate and my sinuses are usually really stuffy. I seem to note planning thought, over and over again I guess because I feel like I am getting ready for my day. Going to keep trying this morning thing and see if I can make it work.

35 minutes this morning. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night due to a huge storm and my kids waking up/being scared. But the sit was much better because I did it after fully waking up and showering etc... Immediately when I sat and closed my eyes my thrid eye/forehead area started to tingle and feel like pressure (I can still feel it now.) Usually I get this but much later in the sit and it usually doesn't last during the day. I was still distracted by thoughts a bit but not nearly like the previous morning. My current sits have all been like this: I don't feel like I cycle through the nanas at all. I go from what feels like access concentration in about 2 cycles of counting 1-10 breaths straight to lower EQ. I can note with ease, like when i hear something, i immediately note hearing, then imaging thought, then the emotion i am feeling in rapid succession. But this goes away fast and the noting slows down on its own and i go in to what I can vibration mode where I can feel everything as vibrations. i.e. - When I feel the pressure on my forehead and it feels like thousands of little tingles acting up all at once. It was very pronounced in everything on my last few sits. I still feel like I am efforting though for some reason and I am trying to just be. Also, sometimes I feel like I can see the whole room with me as a part of it and I am no different than anything in the room. It is a nice calm time on the cushion but difficult nonetheless.

45 minutes this morning. These sits are not nearly as good as the afternoon but I am still gettting used to it. I seemed to phase or snap out of EQ every once in a while, but I didn't get causght up in as many thoughts as I have been in the past couple of days. Lot's of good vibrations, noticing them in more and more things like sounds and not just physical feelings.

"These sits are not nearly as good as the afternoon"

How so? How are you gauging the goodness of a sit?

I guess that is a good question. I guess there is no such thing as a "bad" sit. There are just certain things that I am noticing such as: It is just easier for me to concentrate when winding down after a long day of work/kids/responsibilities than in the morning when I have the whole day ahead of me. It does give me more material to note that is for sure, but sometimes I can get caught up in thoughts moreso in the morning. I hardly ever get caught up in them in the evening. Also, its takes a bit longer to settle and become concentrated and the vibrations, it seems are not as intense in the morning. In the evening it seems I can expand my awareness more. Not sure if that makes sense. It is new to me to sit first thing in the morning, and every day I have gotten more used to the seemingly added turbulence.

Had a great sit last night, albeit a bit short, but I really got into EQ fast and was rapid fire noting, then it slowed on its own and I was just thinking to myself, wow, this is awesome! Then I had a chat with Ron, which was great BTW. Thanks Ron, it always helps.

This morning I have had 2 sits so far. Once early sit, with lots of planning thoughts and frustration again. So then I decided to just leave and come to work early. So, I just did another sit at my desk before anyone else got here and had another fantastic high EQ sit. Almost clocked an hour so far today. Going to try to get some more in later. I am just trying to ride the EQ groove when I can. The only new thing that came up during this last sit was, a moment of studdering (best way I can describe it) it was like the vibrations started slowing down and I could see things like chop, chop, chop, slowing more and more. almost like if you took a stop motion movie and started slowing it down and you could see every frame.

OK, this is going to sound a bit weird, but I gotta tell it how it is. Felt like a near-miss but I have no idea. So I was meditating again (snuck away for some fresh air at work) and got to EQ very fast. I am assuming from momentum from earlier sits today. At one point I notice that I was thinking in Spanish, and I hardly know any Spanish, but it sounded like good fluent Spanish. I just kind of looked at it from a distance, a bit perplexed and then bam, chill/shiver up my spine. No idea what the heck that was.

ooooooh - sounds promising! Man you are blazing. Keep it up. It is all about letting go at this point.

Thanks Ron, I am still not sure if that was a near-miss or path but I can tell you I did feel 'lighter' afterwards and my normal dizziness, etc didn't feel like it mattered or caused anxiety. But today, I am slammed with anxiety, worse so after a sit. I feel like my sit today was not as calm and more like my heart was racing and breathing was a bit weird. Felt like I could get into EQ but couldn't really get calm. Have my doubts either way. Last night a may have felt like it was significant, today, things feel terrible. I'll try to have another sit and see how that goes. At least today I can totally relax. Nothing much to do today, except for spending time with my family, but no plans to do anything which is good.