Russell's practice thread

Maybe I am being dramatic. It's not necessarily bad, just destabilizing. I think you know what i mean.

Been bumping up the practice to over an hour a day sometimes longer. Something I have noticed is that I feel like I am not doing anything other than noticing at this point. Even if thoughts are running through my head, I am just letting them run free it seems. While I still try to focus my attention on my buzzing forehead, I am just letting things arise and pass without interfering. I wonder if that is ok at this point? I keep getting these full body trembles that are reminiscent of fruition aftershocks but I don't think I have had one'¦not sure. Had one last night that felt very "What was that?" Also, tried to tell myself to have a fruition in 10 seconds, then focused my mind on something else and I think I might have done it, but also, not sure again.

Baseline off cushion doesn't feel much different though. Any idea what these fruition-like bliss wave/trembles are?

Just tried to sit. Gave up after 25 minutes as I was nodding off and concentration felt like crap. Just thoughts coming from no where like crazy. Will sit again before bed.

Sat again last night. Not sleepy at all this time. I think I might have accessed something past 4th jhana but I am not sure if there was any scripting going on, so I am very doubtful. It felt like the wide focus from 4th jhana moved up and out but I could still feel my body but focus was out and above the head. Hard to explain.

Also, each time I try to call up a fruition, what happens is I tell myself to have a fruition in 10 seconds. Then I just focus on the breath very strongly, and then I shortly after, I have A&P type lights and slight rising absorption type energy.

Still very doubtful about a clear path moment or anything like that, so either I'm really close or it already happened and it was just way subtle compared to 1st path. However, I do not feel much different off-cushion, so I am very doubtful.

Wouldn't it be nice if paths worked more like levels on an old videogame, eh?

"Wouldn't it be nice if paths worked more like levels on an old videogame, eh?"

Yeah I wish. Achievement Unlocked!!

2 sits yesterday. 1 x 35 min, noting turning into open awareness. got sleepy, bored towards the end. The 2nd sit was in bed after reading...don't remember much because the next thing I knew I woke up at 12:45am still sitting, haha. Note to self, when in EQ, don't meditate in bed. You will fall asleep.

Had a quick 30 minute sit this morning. And by quick, I mean it felt like about 10 minutes. Body felt like it was disappearing into the vibrations. Tried to really work with my thoughts too because they seem to get very distracting lately.

Don't even know how to describe my last nights sit. Felt very one pointed focus in the center of the head sort of, but my awareness was very wide. Almost felt like I gave myself a headache.

Sat for well over an hour yesterday. Could see the jhanic arc pretty clearly for the first time in a while, very intense kind of ear clogging, pulling up at the head later in the sit which felt like I was going to have a fruition but nothing came of it. Already sat in my car for 30+ minutes this morning. Starting to feel like this is all deja vu but I forgot everything I learned last time. Having insights into my thoughts has being completley fabricated and not me. This is the stuff that got me over the hump last time, but its having a hard time sinking in for some reason.

Last nights sit, lots of strobing, sleepiness, thoughts running rampant. This morning, VERY SLEEPY, felt like arms and hands disappeared less vibratory. Lots of wandering thoughts. Feel like I can't get them under control.

Cutting edge on the cushion seems to be high EQ, however off-cushion I cant seem to cultivate EQ and it's the worst DN crap I have ever been through. Trying to curb it because I have my sister-in-law's wedding to go to tonight. I am just all kinds of aggravated with everything and I want to lash out. Trying my best to be mindful of it and not let it bleed through. Even though it sucks, I just looked at my log before stream entry and it was exactly like this when I was in EQ last time. I guess it's not all hunky-dory for everyone at this stage. Sitting is the only thing that feels good right now and I'm not going to get much in today with the wedding. OK, enough ranting....

Saw this on DhO, gonna have to take this attitude for a bit here:

Hang in there! I was in a similar state at a business conference once. Had to go into the ladies room now and then just to have some silence and let the throbbing in my brain ease up. But I also found that sometimes being involved in an event was a nice break, as I could just pay attention to the music and clothes and food and other people talking and get out of my own head a bit.

Personally, I find weddings to be an exquisite form of torture. I sometimes wonder how much of such a reaction is path related and how much of it is a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. But I'm not helping, I'm afraid The truth is I'm in an even worse mood than you are---yuck! I'm off to ***** on my own thread for awhile.

Hahahaha. That actually made me feel better.

Saturday I literally only got like 10 minutes in. Yesterday, got a little over an hour. 1st sit very sleepy, got up half way and did walking meditation for a few minutes and sat back down and it was better. Got a few weird sensations, still having lots of thoughts flooding me and all of a sudden they all seemed to come at me at once like a zombie hoard about to attack and then I got another bliss wave. Very odd. 2nd sit was more alert, still lots of thoughts to note. Trying to work with them the best I can.

Regular nights sit last night and talk with Ron which always makes me feel better. I have been much better (whatever that means) off-cushion for the last few days. Still not sure what my fruition-like phenomenon are but I remembered from several nights ago a strong sensation that I don't think I journaled about. I had that typical rising energy feeling that you can get when you feel like you are getting absorbed, but instead of staying in my head and expanding out, it felt like it pulled me up, rising and pulling like there was going to be a huge pop, but nothing happened. Like the top of my head was being pulled up. Anyways, just writing it down for my own purposes. Likely more near miss type stuff. Onwards we march.

Keep this up and you're going to get another path soon!

Thanks for the support Laurel. I'm trying not to think about it too much. Been gaining some nice insights over the last few days, so regardless if I get path or not soon, I am really enjoying my new (profound for me) insights.

Sat around 1.5 hours yesterday and 30 min so far this morning. Not much new to report. Thoughts are still an issue though at certain points during each sit. I am trying to let go and just watch all the vibrations buzzing around but I find myself lost in thought a bit more than normal. Frustrating, but I'm just noticing and moving on.

Did better noting the thoughts last night and got some mild absorbed states where everything was flickering in and out. Overall, off-cushion, I am feeling less anxiety and more aware when negative thought patterns arise and what a joke/fairy-tale they really are.

Again with the off-cushion changes - Something in my baseline has changed for sure since last Saturday/Sunday when I gained some insights into my thought patterns. I do not think this was path, because there is no sign of a clear Review, but somethign has changed. It's like a big weight lifted. I can still feel some anxiety sneak in, but there is a clear shift in perception of buying into my own bulls**t. Getting more aware of my thoughts (not getting cought up as much) when I sit and also getting more pleasant absorptions and strong vibrations.

So last night I sat for 55 min. Planned for an hour but got interrupted. But then right before bed (in bed actually) I sat for another 30 minutes and The last thing I remember was feeling as if my body was disappearing into the vibrations, then <can't remember>, then BAM!! Biggest bliss wave/absorption feeling I have ever had, it stayed for about a minute then faded and I couldn't sleep for at least an hour. No idea what this was but it came very fast, not like a gradual absorption. Not sure if it was path or not. I have a very busy day before I'll be able to sit to see if I am Reviewing or not. Don't necessarily feel different this morning, but I will be watching....

My practice has not been heavy on mapping, but I have had several instances where I had a significant shift in insight/realization, and an energetic release (the kind of event you describe just now) and they were not simultaneous, happening several days apart. It always made me feel that the "path" changes are both instantaneous and at the same time more process-like, taking place over a period of hours or days, even if the instant of "click" or the "tipping point" is a (possibly unnoticed) split second. What was usually distinct to the change as a whole was a significant change in experience/understanding/perception, and often the really profound feeling that "nothing would ever be the same" even if I couldn't articulate exactly what had changed right away.

Thanks for that. The reason I am a bit confused is that stream entry was a pretty non-event. Had some profound insights and shortly after the lights went out, if you know what i mean. This has seemed like I have been gaining stronger and more profound insights as the path has moved along, with the latest shift about a week ago, and then this "big moment" happened last night. Like I said, still no idea what this means, if anything, but only time will tell.