Russell's Practice II

Thanks Nadav! Maybe I got a little over excited and I need to just chill a bit. Getting into all this new territory has added too much clinging to these new states. If I back off and let them come up naturally in my sits it works better. I still don't feel like I (or anyone) can make the call that I got 3rd path yet. It doesn't feel like it, so I am going off the theory that I may be almost there, so we will see how this plays out. I think there is still some letting go to do before the leap can be made.

I am still kind of confused and this probably doesn't mean anything, but last night I decided to recline while meditating. Started noticing state shifts up the jhanic arc, then I remember nothing. I must have fallen asleep (didn't hear my timer go off either), because an hour and 15 minutes later my wife came in wondering why I was gone so long. When I woke up, everything was vibrating and pulsing and it didn't calm down. So before bed I sat for 30 minutes again, then tried to go to bed and had massive strobing in the visual field, couldn't sleep no matter what. I maybe got 2 hours sleep last night. Such a weird experience. Maybe cause I fell asleep in jhana? No idea, i still feel very confused and agitated this morning.

Whatever happened yesterday is still having an effect on me. It feels like I am very destabalized, just like after 1st path. I was walking around today to get some food, same walk I always take but it felt different. Like I couldn't find "me". Like my body isn't there. Very hard to explain. Not in a no-agency sort of way but more of a blending in sort of way. I can't put my finger on it.

Still feeling a bit weird today, but more 'normal.' Sit last night. not sure how long, but started with some visual stuff, kind of squinty eyes, like I couldn't relax them. Then, got concentrated easily. At one point I got a chill up the spine kind of like a fruition bliss wave. After a while, I tried to focus on the NS spot and got a deep sinking for a long time (minutes) but no blip. I'm probably pressing too hard because I get tension around my eyes and rapid eye movement when this happens. Still left me very chilled out.

Any of you 3rd or 4th pathers see 3rd path as a gradual change other than a distinct path moment? I feel like over the last couple of days the center point is fading but its not like a big significant shift. Something feels different. Slowly changing.

So either I am in review or I am cycling really rapidly. I mean like once every 1 to 2 minutes I get surge of energy, lights, joy. Seems like A&P over and over again. Going to try this again in a few to see what the heck is going on. Could just be another fractal. Who knows?

"Any of you 3rd or 4th pathers see 3rd path as a gradual change other than a distinct path moment? I feel like over the last couple of days the center point is fading but its not like a big significant shift. Something feels different. Slowly changing. "

I remember getting previews of the shift before it became permanent condition. For me there was never a distinct 3rd path moment.

Your practice sounds great!

Thanks Antero. Feeling rather 'normal' today. Strangeness as usual.

And...switch. Feeling all my normal dizziness that would usually cause major anxiety. However, I am super relaxed about it. I have way more distance from it than ever before.

Over an hour sitting yesterday. 1st sit, tried manipulating things too much and felt like I didn't get concentrated enough. 2nd sit - complete non-manipulation, just sitting. Went all the way up to first pure land jhana and back down. Seems to be my cutting edge. I haven't seen the 2nd one yet.

The only way for me to get deep into the PL jhana territory is by just sitting and not even trying to incline my mind there. It just arises on its own eventually. If I even try to do it, or nudge in that direction, it just leads to frustration and grasping and the jhana never comes.

Can you say more about your experience of this new jhana, and the transition to it?

Sure. From 8th my focus moves up to the 3rd eye area. And starting from my legs I get very blissful vibrations that move up to my head and kind of engulf me. Feelings of intense bliss/gratitude. Feels like I am moving upward and almost floating off the floor, very light/floating feeling. My eyes rapidly move and I can't relax them that easily. When I try to relax them things calm down and it feels like I move out of the jhana. Dunno what handles PL2 has, so I don't know if I am shifting to that or moving back to 8th.

It's probably the most blissful state I have experienced. The afterglow can last a long time after a sit as well. Leaves me very chilled out.

Not much more to say about my sits lately. I am drawn mainly to doing shamatha practice, riding the arc so to speak, although sometimes it is hard to tell what jhana I am in. I feel like I am rapidly cycling the insight stages too, keep getting kicked back to A&P like feelings, but sometimes this is not super clear as well. As for PL jhana's - I still need to be super concentrated for them to arise on their own, but it happens if i just let it. As for NS - I dunno. I have been resolving to explore the PL jhanas, I haven't tried to access this again. Maybe I will try tonight.

Off cushion - great day Saturday, nothing could bother me. Sunday, I was in a "mood" but when I got into normally anxiety inducing situations, I could feel the anticipation that I was going to get anxious. Then, once I get into the situation, the anxiety never arises. It kind of shocks the hell out of me and I just sit there wondering what is different about this that would make less anxious, and then I realize that nothing has changed but somehow I am not letting stuff bother me.

Last nights sit was weird. Moved up to 8th jhana very quickly, moreso that usual I was fairly scared once I got to 8th jhana too. For some reason it was particularly intense and wobbly this time. Perception shifting in and out in a very strange way. Felt like I was going to loose consciousness. If I pressed particularly hard on the spot that makes that sinking feeling occur, it got very, very wobbly. Hard to describe but it made me sort of dizzy and feel like I was going to pass out, although I was probably just fine. When I got into bed when I got up, 3rd eye was still tingling and lights were flashing like crazy in the visual field before I fell asleep.

Once again, every sit is different. Last night I felt like I could sit forever, but it got very frustrating at the end. Felt like any time I was moving towards 9th jhana, when my attention was shift up and out and the 'bliss blanket' started to rise up, I would get a serious itch and it would shift my attention away like a shiny object and I would shift back down. This happened over and over again until I got up after 45 minutes or so.

Got some good advice. Realized I am trying too hard. Need to go back to the basics and just sit, which I did last night. Didn't feel better or worse, just sat and observed. This is what got me this far in the first place and so this is what I will do. I think being a little under the weather had caused me to have some of that desire for deliverance type thinking, trying to just be and not judge.

It is becoming more clear in retrospect as I sit back an just observe that I just went through another fractal. Looks like it was another complete cycle and review period with mega increased concentration and intro into these new jhanas. All that crazy stuff that happened the last few weeks now feels like a distant memory and I am back in another cycle, this one quicker. Feeling like a pretty harsh Dark Night again. I am ok with it though. Just trying to observe and not fight it.

This practice is amazing. You can go from clear to confused in no time flat. I am back in the confused stage but I feel like I care about that less. From the confusion last time came clarity and insights, so i assume it will happen again at some point.

"This practice is amazing. You can go from clear to confused in no time flat."

Heck, that sounds a lot like all of experience

"
"This practice is amazing. You can go from clear to confused in no time flat."

Heck, that sounds a lot like all of experience

"

Touché. It almost feels like this part of the path is just messing with me. It feels like I was granted access to something then it was taken away. A lesson in not grasping for anything, especially anything path related. Lately, I'm just sitting observing. Back to noting a lot of the time because I can still get caught up in thoughts. Things are getting very slippery again.

Getting a bit back into my groove again on the cushion a bit. Concentration was better last night. Some states here and there but mostly just sitting an observing. Noticed itches at first which moved into lights and rising energy, then some flashes of fear. I thought I heard my wife sobbing in the other room (she wasnt), then Slippery mind started about 20 minutes in and continued but I just watched.

Off-cushion feels like 'anxiety attacking me out of nowhere hell" almost all the time. Dizzy, nausea, tension in the neck. Fun stuff.

Edit: Whoa - I was just writing on Andy's thread and I litterally felt my anxiety drop out of me and everything is very clear and peaceful now. That is strange.

More of the same last night. Sits feels very calm but uneventful. Really feels as though I am watching much more than being involved.

Seeing some patterns here in my sits now that I think about it. I have a bit of a difficulty getting concentrated out of the gate but then I just start noting and eventually get to where I get very sleepy and nod a bit, but I am not falling asleep, I can sit back and watch all of this happen. Just as i am wanting to get up, concentration gets sharp again at about 30 minutes and this is when I hit a stride. Things get vibratory and I feel like I can sit forever. A couple of weeks ago I would get into this mode almost immediately. It's just taking longer now. Been using the witness to try to disembed even more and just watch everything as it is not happening to me.

Concentration came faster tonight. However, it is hard to find the witness state for some reason, either that or it is my default state now when I sit and I just don't realize it. Sometimes it does feel as I have taken a huge step back and I am just watching. But at certain points in my sit I can get lost in thoughts.

It's strange, I have this weird creeping feeling off the cushion that I just don't know where to go with my practice for the first time in a while. Could just be dark night talking but sitting seems a bit pointless, although I still do it every day. Every day mindfulness seems less. I think I just realized there is nothing I can do to progress, it will just happen on its own. No forcing, no wishing for paths or states. Just observing.

Had a good chat with Ron last night. Thanks Ron.

Dissatisfaction with everything is the flavor right now. Sitting won't help, feels pointless. Nothing will help. That is the key I think. Give in, Surrender.

One thing that I have notice. You can see in post 170 in my Edit. Been getting relief to my anxiety/tension when either I help someone or I hear that they are happy. This is not just compassion, this is true feelings of joy. It doesn't last long but I can literally feel tension leave my body when someone else tell me they are happy, etc...