Russell's Practice II

Sits are strange. I am starting to get all vibratory again but I feel like mind does not want to do any "technique". I just want to sit there. Watch everything. I still get sleepy, nodding, but I never nod off, I can just watch it. Sometimes my perspective changes, but I can't figure out how to explain this, I'll work on it. Off-cushion still sucks but I am doing my best to really just look at anxiety and dizziness etc for just what they are.

Arghh. That sums up this part of the path. I feel like a newbie trucking through my first dark night but worse. I have had sme good moments when just watching the terrible sensations can diffuse them, so that is good.

Non-meditation seems to be my meditation the past few days. Just non manipulative sitting.

This sounds like classic second path confusion, which happened to me before third, so hang in there and try to relax into it. Again, fighting and pushing are going to be counterproductive. Just be.

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This sounds like classic second path confusion, which happened to me before third, so hang in there and try to relax into it. Again, fighting and pushing are going to be counterproductive. Just be.

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Thanks Chris. I'm doing my best. It seems that's all I can do is just be. Still unsure if this is 2nd path confusion or 3rd path unsatisfatoriness. Neither is Ron, but the instructions are the same either way. So, only time will tell.

Well, if I'm right then third path is coming, inevitably. If I'm wrong then congrats!

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Well, if I'm right then third path is coming, inevitably. If I'm wrong then congrats!

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Honestly, I think 3rd is still coming. But after reading a few old logs, especially Ron's after he got 3rd, my experience is nearly identical to what he is talking about. The big high and access to the PL jhanas a few weeks ago, to now, the major unsatisfactory nature of everything. Ron and Owen talk about it a bit on his log. Either way. This too is temporary. It will all shake out.

Yeah, we all experience things differently. Patterns exist at a high level but the details almost always seem to vary. My experience of the transition to early third path really had no element of dissatisfaction, frustration or confusion. It was truly a quiet, calm liberation from those as they were experienced during second path. If I were to be asked to use one word to describe second path it would be "confusing." My one word description of third path would be "peaceful." Of course, no one word description is very accurate

One more thing: Expectations get in the way of real practice.

Just sayin'

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One more thing: Expectations get in the way of real practice.

Just sayin'

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Thanks. All stuff I need to hear.

So my sit last night was better in terms of nodding off. None of that. However, as I attempted to note/notice, every few notes my mind would slip into to some off the wall thought about something or other. I mean weird stuff. Made it very easy to see the not-self in them, however, it was distracting. Not frustrating, but I watched my mind do this over and over again, constantly realizing I was caught up in the thoughts then back to noting. Back and forth.

It felt like the absolute culmination of crap yesterday off cushion. Not going to get into details but I was having a hard time yesterday. Today too, but not as bad.

Last nights sit was interesting. I just let my mind do what it wanted and it locked right onto the 3rd eye right away. This was what it was like when I sat a few weeks ago. For some reason my mind just wanted to do shamatha and it locked on to its object strong. I sat for about 45 minutes and didn't notice any shifts into jhanas but noticed flickering and flashes of light, then finally (i am guessing) around 30 minutes i dipped straight into that same state I had a few weeks ago. My focus moved slightly up and back to behind the 3rd eye and everything immediately started wobbling and then sunk down into darkness. Not sure if it completely blipped out but I was buzzing with energy after this happened. I got up shortly after and got in bed, but I couldn't sleep. Mind wanted to still do concentration practice. Finally, I had to go the bed and rolled over and went to sleep.

My troubles off the cushion are great teachers.

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My troubles off the cushion are great teachers.

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Working with it. Thanks Chris.

Sat very late last night, super sleepy. Not a long sit. Nothing like NS or PL jhanas came up and get this - I didn't care. Now that's progress.

Off-cushion craptastic stuff still around. Just overall mega anxious (like pre-SE) and dissatisfaction with everything.

On-cushion: 2 sits last night. 1st sit = 35 minutes, concentration was good but thoughts still running around up there. Had some moments of what seemed to be clear cessasions and felt lots of nice vibratory stuff towards the end of the sit.

2nd sit = no idea how long, probably 30-45 minutes. Started with fluttering in the visual field, once that calmed down, had strong concentration, felt like I was getting hundreds of tiny cessations, just like strobing during parts of the sit. Then later I remembered something Antero said about NS. He said, don't just shift your attention to the spot where it happens, become the spot. I inclined to do that and felt a zooming toward the area and deep sinking into darkness, felt like my head was being squeezed in, then felt like my hearing went out, then thoughts. Not sure if I completely blipped out. I cant never catch these things, but it did feel like the reverse then happened. Kind of like I came back from it and was just left with blissful vibrations. Got up about 5 minutes later and continued practice in bed. Fell asleep pretty easily.

Russell, given where you are on the path and what is going on, there isn't much in the way of advice that will "help" in any way - the practice is doing you now.

I can only echo Chris here: don't let expectations or anything else get in the way. If you simply keep sitting, keep looking at what is going on moment to moment, this ride will come to a conclusion.

I will say though that this part of the path seems great some days and awful on others. Nothing seems to really "work" and all the prior states, stages and interesting insights seem totally unsatisfying. That is the last bit of motivation before you let go entirely.

Thanks Ron. Yes, it seems there is nothing I can do, per say. If I try to do something other than let my mind do what it wants, I end up horribly frustrated. Yet there is not much satisfaction in just sitting either. But the newest thing is that those sits where nothing seems to happen (I mean cool bliss stuff) don't bother me anymore. I don't check the clock to see how long I have sat. I dont set up up expectations for how a sit should be. Going with the flow I guess.

However, I still have a serious craving for the massive anxiety/dizziness to stop off cushion. It could be health related (inner ear problems) but either way, it's bad.

Realized blame is my biggest form of selfing right now. I try to blame my anxiety on health one day and when that doesn't satisfy I try to find a new blame, like "where I am in the path" etc. It's always something. I think this insight will help me watch that process a little closer.

Must have been pretty tired last night because I sat (reclining on the couch) and the next thing I remember was my wife sitting down next to me. I must have been in some jhanic type sleep though because she said it took a while to get me to wake up. Ahh well, all I remember before that was getting fairly concentrated quickly. That's it.

Some more anticipating and striving coming up. Noticing it and backing down. Weekend of sits was full of tingly vibrations and squeezing at the temples/crown area. Not much more to report other than I am getting a little relief off cushion. Dunno why, trying not to point fingers at anything anymore. Good or bad.

Not even sure how long I sat last night. Felt like I could have just sat there forever. It was probably 50 minutes or so. Very relaxing after some initial fearful thoughts. I have been having this pressure at the crown all day but late last night it started at the 3rd eye and it was almost as if I was compelled to sit. Focus went immediately to the 3rd eye and locked on. I never reached the PL jhanas or NS but I also didn't try to do anything really. Just kind of letting my mind lead the way.

Off cushion. Things have finally let up a bit. Dunno why but maybe my insights in to my constant blame of one thing or another for my off cushion problems allowed things to open a bit. But there I go looking for a reason again. Hah.

Haven't sat yet today but I had to take note. General positive mood all day until about 4 when it just felt like a wicked dark night came on and I was irritated with everything. It made me see the difference between feeling like crap (sick or dizzy with my balance problems) and dark night. I don't feel bad when I cycle through the dark night but I just have a mood swing. Cranky, cranky. Then about 8 it just left me. No reason. Couldn't control it and I didn't try, just watched and tried not to let it bleed through. I wasn't very good at that.

As I wait for the iPhone 5 to be released I was reminded by Ken McLeod's quote about how technology is making us lose our Awe. He said: "Follow your Awe." It reminded me of seeing the Redwoods for the first time and how connected I felt to everything. Need to follow my awe more!

Sits the past few days have been similar. I notice lots of mind chatter at first. It calms down. 3rd eye and sometimes crown, just screaming with pressure. I don't notice jhana's by which one they are, but I notice state shifts. I seem to be cycling really fast these days.

Been meaning to note about something coming up in the last few days. I have had this feeling for such a long time that I care about progress - that is fading rather quickly. This is very strange for me being normally very goal oriented in a 'let's just get this done' way. I also feel like sitting is not going to get me to stop cycling. I can get all kinds of nice states going when I sit but I kind of don't feel like it will make me progress in a way. Very weird, because I have sat very single day since my first chat with Ron in December - I have refused to miss a day, even if it's for a short time. I still haven't missed, but the desire for anything other than just sitting without intention is all I do now. No more resolving to attain x or reach y Jhana. Intention to try to do anything leads to dissatisfaction. Really, all things lead to dissatisfaction it seems.

Anyways, I just needed to make note, because it will probably all change in 5 minutes.