Russell's Practice II

"Greased watermelon! Ha! "

What, that's not the official name of the 8th Jhana?

Had a great day off-cushion yesterday but last night's sit I did not seem to get into that new territory I was talking about before. No big deal. I actually have a lot of practice planned for this weekend as I will be home alone in the evening all weekend long. Time for some extra cushion time.

So what I thought would be a great weekend full of nights where I get good long sits in has become nights of aversion to sitting because my kids flat out wore me out. Serious respect to my wife. It has also made me realize to not only let go during sits but to let go of expectations of what my sits are going to be like in the future when I have no idea what it will be like. My expectations that I was going to have all these relaxing nights to just sit and sit and sit has made me more frustrated than ever because it has nt been like that at all. Not even close. Talk about just wanting to relax. And then when I sit it feels like a chore and I just end up frustrated.

Duly noted. No expectations for today.

Sits have been tougher this weekend. Lots of desire to get up. Itching all over. Sore back. This hasn't happened in a while. Feels like I am in a new cycle. Maybe 3C's? Concentration is a bit more difficult. Finally just flat out surrendered at the end of my sit and got some waves of bliss. Funny this path is.

More aversion to sitting but doing it anyways. Getting lost in thought a lot and when I seem to catch on and jolt back into awareness i get a bright flash of light in my visual field. Very tired, nodding off in my sits now. It seems my cutting edge is a different nana every time i sit.

So, I just decided to explore my aversion to sitting during my sit, and man, I felt a lot better afterwards. It just seems you can learn so much from looking directly at the stuff you are avoiding instead of doing the avoiding, because avoidance is just another form of clinging.

Regardless, I feel crappy again today but at least I know how to work with it a little more.

Back into the 'very hard to tell where I am' territory again. However, I have noticed my minds tendency to almost immediately shift to focus on the witness shortly after I become concentrated. Also, really watching myself and all the selfing that goes on during the day kind of with amazement. Asking myself why do I continue to involve 'me' in all of this?

Last nights sit. Heavy focus on the witness. I think I am getting better at getting absorbed in it. Still hard to notice stages etc until I feel huge expansiveness which feels like 5th jhana. It's been a couple weeks since I have noticed much past that, been getting lost in thought quite a bit.

This morning I tried a short session with this new app for iphone called Rewire. Pretty cool for concentration practice. You can do it to music or video. I tried music. All you do is just carefully pay attention to the music because it pauses at random intervals and you have to tap the screen quickly when you sense that it paused. If you don't tap the screen the phone vibrates to warn you that you are not focusing. Very interesting way to keep your mind from wandering at all. I tests you on accuracy and reaction time.

For about 2 weeks now I have had seemingly terrible concentration and lack of motivation. Must be another dark night or something. I can't seem to get to what my cutting edge used to be jhana-wise where I was seeing glimpses of the 8th jhana. Now it feels like I can't even get into the formless realms. Lots of wandering thoughts, nodding off. Frustrating, but somehow way less frustrating that it would have previously been for me. Trying to just let it go and keep sitting.

Daily mindfulness took a blow it seems as well. Finding myself doing a lot of selfing and its causing old anxiety to come back pretty strong.

This is interesting. The cutting edge is shifting about for me too. I'm not suffering from a lack of motivation per se, but occasionally there has been a willful turning away into activities or old habits which I know will only condition more greed and delusion. Are you sensing a need to go deeper into sila? To re-examine habits and change some of them? Do you think the motivation issue might be related to that?

Honestly, I think it is just part of the path and I have to accept that. I don't think sila, etc have anything to do with it. It feels like I went through a cycle of unknowing, then suddenly had some insights, fruitions again and slight afterglow, now I am just back into the unknown again. And it seems as this will keep happening until more insights are discovered and another cycle completes.

I see. That seems to be a healthy attitude. For my part I'm often still looking too hard for something to fix, as if there were something seriously wrong! Thanks for the response.

"This is interesting. The cutting edge is shifting about for me too. I'm not suffering from a lack of motivation per se, but occasionally there has been a willful turning away into activities or old habits which I know will only condition more greed and delusion. Are you sensing a need to go deeper into sila? To re-examine habits and change some of them? Do you think the motivation issue might be related to that?

"

@Clouds: +1 on this.
Habits seems to be the most important practice right now.
But with less motivation it is even harder to change some of the habits, even though they seems really meaningless now.
On the other hand some habits have just dropped off.

"For about 2 weeks now I have had seemingly terrible concentration and lack of motivation. Must be another dark night or something. I can't seem to get to what my cutting edge used to be jhana-wise where I was seeing glimpses of the 8th jhana. Now it feels like I can't even get into the formless realms. Lots of wandering thoughts, nodding off. Frustrating, but somehow way less frustrating that it would have previously been for me. Trying to just let it go and keep sitting.

Daily mindfulness took a blow it seems as well. Finding myself doing a lot of selfing and its causing old anxiety to come back pretty strong."

@Aqua: My "Jhana-abilities" is something that comes and goes, not something i have and can always easily access...

"It feels like I went through a cycle of unknowing..."

@Aqua: What do you mean with "unknowing"?

"@Aqua: What do you mean with "unknowing"?"

What I mean is that I feel like I went through a full cycle to fruition, but it came out of no where, because it was very hard to tell where I was the entire time.

A strong absorption into the witness occurred last night after doing some shamatha for 15 minutes or so. I just shifted attention back and got immediately very absorbed. Really felt like I got a good hold on it, at least on the cushion. Going to try again today and watch the cycling in the background to see if I can notice anything strongly.

Witness took a back seat again, so when all else fails: Note. Felt like I cycled up to Dissolution and back down over and over again.

Someone smack me! Having one of those days where I have lots of doubt about how the heck I'm ever going to get to the next path. Trying my best to look at that doubt, but it keeps coming at me.

Expect no smacking from me. There are still days I doubt I've risen higher than the first A&P.

"Expect no smacking from me. There are still days I doubt I've risen higher than the first A&P."

Been there brother! I suspect it is all part of the ride.

Still having sleepy sits lately. Off-cushion anxiety is better but I threw a ridiculous adult temper-tantrum yesterday out of no where. Very uncharacteristic of me since SE. I must be dark nighting it pretty good.

I am also seriously wondering whether I've ever gotten anywhere on the maps or whether it was all delusion. Today I had the worst attack of dukkhas I've had in a long while, complete with nausea, anxiety bordering on panic, misery, and wishing I were finished with it all (and I don't mean as an arahat). Then all of a sudden I noticed that the sh*tstorm was over. I'm feeling hungover from it, though. Go figure.

It's so weird isn't it. We cycle so much. Can be seemingly ok one minute and all wrapped up in everything the next. I have many more lessons to learn.

"I am also seriously wondering whether I've ever gotten anywhere on the maps or whether it was all delusion. Today I had the worst attack of dukkhas I've had in a long while, complete with nausea, anxiety bordering on panic, misery, and wishing I were finished with it all (and I don't mean as an arahat). Then all of a sudden I noticed that the sh*tstorm was over. I'm feeling hungover from it, though. Go figure."

Severe neck pain today makes me wonder if it's path-related or if I just slept funny -- pretty much like all of this!!