MuMuWu's Practice Journal

Mu,

I've been out of the loop for a little while (about a month or more) but just went back and read through your notes - wow! Great stuff! Crongrats on path (I'm sure that's what it is) and thank you so much for your courageous reporting. You're really letting us all in on a deeply personal ride through heaven and hell.

With tons of gratitude,

Ron

Thanks so much folks. Day 3 of no thc begins and I still feel great. It feels like a fog has lifted. Mental clarity is up, humor is up, concentration improving. Little or no cravings or anything like that. Some initial trouble falling asleep last night but I just focused on the witness until I was asleep. 4 day weekend coming
Ing up! Hoping for some good practice and good detailed journalling

Great hearing things are working out!!!

I have to thank you...
I believe you are like one of the cool dudes who hangs with the "in-crowd" here, but actually takes the time to approach and talk to the timid uncool kids hanging out alone nearby afraid to join.

Thanks, dude

(and of course... cool and un-cool are just words and concepts...

Thanks meekan.

I've only been on here a few months. I know how long those waits for a reply can be and how sort of murky things can be at first. I always had people step in and help me out so I'm just trying to do the same.

P.S.
You are one cool guy. You are making great progress!

THANK YOU!

Yep, Mumu is a cool guy, made me feel right at home here.
Is it true? Did you attain 1st path? Did I miss something?

Omni, in terms of attainment I haven't gotten any sort of evaluation from Kenneth regarding that. He has merely said that he isn't sure where I am at. I leave it to his discretion.

20 minutes

Intended to do candle Kasina, but it burned out after about 3 or so minutes. Was able to get fairly concentrated (mind felt much more focused than at beginning of session, sensations of pressure around face).

Closed eyes, watched the after image of the candle until it faded away.

Began noting warmth, warmth, moisture, tingling, tingling-poisitve, itching itching, happy, itch, itch, itch, itch, etc.
There were a couple of bright itches at first, these multiplied and eventually champagne bubble like sensations felt all over.

Noticed a shift in the focus. It became more about the visual field in a way, less about the body. The tingling/itching/bubbling sensations became less prevalent, but were still fairly prominent in the hands and coolness and air was felt on the outsides of my arms mainly.

Felt some slight anxiety and soon after began to note uncomfortable sensations in lower back, but mostly in neck face and head. Started out very slight but soon sensations in neck/back of head became extremely intense and uncomfortable. Continued to note this rapidly.

This reached a really intense peak, followed by despair. I recall letting out a big sigh and shortly after there being a break in the suffering. The intense sensations slowly creeped back up and I continued to note them.

Eventually another period of relief along began to notice some tingling around the body. Body became less prevalent over time.

Eventually noticed uncomfortable sensations in head again, seemed deeper in and less connected to the back of the neck.

This eventually died down as well. Noticed some slight flickering of the visual field (not due to eye movements).

Timer went off.

The uncomfortable / suffering sensations are still going on a couple of hours later. I think I've gotten into another dark night.

Oh well...

I woke up still feeling pretty bad. Seemed to break around the afternoon some time. Felt really good for a while, nice wide focus, real nice.

This evening, had a really enjoyable sit where I spent a good long time just hanging out in the arupa Jhanas. Felt quite good for a while after.

Been having some really strong cravings today. Really bad right now (saturday night). Trying to surrender the sensations because not wanting to feel this way is just making it worse. No longer feeling so nice, however noting mindstates is a big help.

craving, sadness, jealousy, anger, craving, craving, aversion, self-pity, searching, blank, relief, craving, etc.

Oh well....

See how it is restless
See how it is angry
See how it decides to go for a walk
See how it unlocks it's car
See how it gets a cigar
See how it walks
See how it gives up
See how it sits down
See how it weeps
See how it suffers
See how it regrets...
See how it longs for deliverence
See how it just wants peace
See how it weeps
See how it smokes
See how it cries
See how it looks at a star
See how it watches the wind
See how it sits
See how it decides to go inside
See how it logins into KFD
See how it writes
See how it logs into facebook
See how it watches shinzen young
See how it weeps

Sadness, aversion, warmth, moisture, blank, sadness, sadness, blank, judging, embarrassment, searching, calm, restless, aversion, discomfort, burning, pressure, itching, pressure, sadness, itching, moisture, coolness, itching, itching, calm, itching, hearing, looking, itching, discomfort, itching, itching, blank, searching, itching, aversion, anger, discomfort, itching, moisture, expansion, itching, pressure, burning, burning, discomfort, hatred, aversion, itching, longing, blank, itching, tired, pressure, discomfort, pain, itching, itching, itching, hearing, hearing, itching, looking, itching, itching, aversion, negative, negative, negative, positive, neutral, negative, negative, negative, neutral.

Broken sleep,

Vivid dreams. I recall a friend of mine and I walking down a road talking and then he just pushes me into a ditch and tells me to stay down. A bunch of soldiers start running across the ditch and then notice me lying in it. There are 6 soldier and somehow we manage to kill the main one.

I dream of almost drowning because of something someone does and then being saved. Seems to happen in the context of a party of something.

I also find it quite surreal that the first post in this forum when I log in after these nightmare is called "cutting the grass mindfully"

Another night of litle sleep and great wanting. Today I feel drained. Practice is not dong so good this past little while.

Again, good luck Mu. Keep with it, cutting the grass, or cutting anything, ain't supposed to be easy. Purification hurts. Let the storm blow itself out, at least it's something you're familiar with from Dark Nighting it earlier. We're with you.

Thanks Ian. Knowing it'll end is a help. I'm not freaking out or anything like that at this point. It's just a rough slog.

Does your meditation practice carry over into your dreams? I've read about this, but haven't experienced it clearly myself.

Not at this point. I've only been having dreams for 2 days.

20 Minutes of candle staring.

Very noticeable rapture, mainly on arms and face. Very pleasant.

Visual field around flame becomes progressively uniform and dark until for longer and longer periods the candle flame and the candle below it (I am using a tea light) are pretty much the only thing being noticed. Mind becomes progressively stiller although occasional stray thoughts still coming up.

Going to play ball with my dog now and hopefully try this again for 25 minutes.

20 Minutes of noting while playing with my dog

Initially noting mainly
discomfort, negative, pain negative, occasional nausea

Occasionally noting warmth - positive, breeze (noted as coolness) - positive. Also noting thinking (practice thought, judgement thought). Mind states mostly aversion / blank / searching.

About halfway through itches appeared. Noted those mainly for rest of session. Seemed to be a lot of these at one point but toward the end just a couple of very bright clear ones remained. Also felt as if focus widened or general tone of experience became more spacious / less harsh.

Feel quite warm now.

Will do another sitting with candle flame.

Sat with Kasina for almost 20 minutes.

Upon sitting, much easier to stay with flame than first time. Feelings of warmth, rapture, as well as pressure (expansion?) in the face and head, most prevalent around the mouth. Eventually became effortless, and the darkening around the flame (as mentioned before) happened. This time eyes far less likely to move around and darkness stayed for longer periods. Pressure in face dropped away at this point. Focus seemed to include the darkness as well as the flame.

Eventually noticed that although candle was still central in the visual field, objects in periphery became noticed as well as sounds. Darkness not as prevalent now. Coolness on skin felt at this point along with some itching and mildly uncomfortable sensations in my legs.

Felt extremely concentrated throughout this. Very nice.

Time for supper.

hang in there!!

22 minute candle sitting

When I reached the same point as last sit, I eventually noticed that the darkness that I had mentioned previously began to cascade from the periphery into the center in a rhythmic, circular wavelike way, such that it would look like before (darkness around the candle) then darkness woud drop away and the quickly build up again from the outer edges in. Eventually it stabilized and I noticed that the candle was once again very in focus. Along with this sounds from outside were also in focus as were certain objects in my peripheral vision.

Subtle vibrations were noticed on the limbs and face as well as feelings of anticipation.

The Candle seemed to jerk around slightly for a while as if my eyes were making slight movements. It then became mainly stable.

There was some sleepiness along with this as well.

Time went by very fast, by far the least effortful feeling of these sessions.

typing
looking
brightness
freedom
calmness
pressure
longing
happiness
freedom
spaciousness
brightness
tingling
hearing
gratitude
friendship
calmness
freedom
hearing
searching
pressure
freedom
JOY!
bliss
freedom

Happiness is almost overwhelming as is the sense of openness (even thought there is discomfort, itching, tension, etc. as well).

warmth
tingling
peace
pressure
searching
listening
tension
pressure
longing
aversion
freedom
warmth
tingling
energy
coolness
pressure
tingling
itching
itching
itching
looking
looking
itching
pressure
tension
moisture
freedom
freedom

Nice one Mu Mu. Note for note.

Great!

Quick update.

The taste of freedom is still lingering (3rd gear). Today has been beautiful in the face of everything (busy day, somewhat tired, etc.).

Seems to be this joyful energy centered around the chest and face along with warmth that has been coming up randomly (it's quite prevalent at the moment). There is also a sense of open spaciousness to my experience. I noticed this when closing my eyes last night in bed as well. A subtle difference.

Neat.

Should get a chance to do some good noting and journaling tomorrow evening.