Nadav's practice notes

Thanks for the great reports, Nadav! Impressive that you're sitting so much, considering your schedule right now.

In the last few days my practice was dominated by sleepiness and impatience. Today, no sleepiness at all.
Based on some recent posts on this forum, I've become interested in the relationship between emotions and physical sensation. I don't know for sure, but there does seem to be a correlation between anxiety and tightness/tension in the body. Back and shoulder tension has been abundant for me lately (probably related to playing and carrying a double bass every day) and I'm getting better at spotting anxiety when it arises. The tension clues me in to the anxiety and vice versa, I think.
I'm noting out loud, once every 2-3 seconds at the slowest times. Pretty balanced between the four foundations. Lots of itching, tension. I spent a lot of time doing the wheel during today's sit, noticing lots of interesting visual stuff and subtle vibrations. The fluttering was strong today, and a couple of times the whole head was vibrating (this has been happening periodically). At one point I noticed tingling all over the body which turned to subtle pulses and vibrations. When this stuff happens I get excited and practice-related desire arises, then aversion or judgment relating to the desire, etc.

Subtle vibrations and pulsations have been popping up throughout the last couple of days as I walk around or sit in class and note. Don't think I've ever had this stuff happen outside of a formal sit. It's been a little bit easier to sustain mindfulness during the day. A few nights ago I noted in a dream, woke up and continued noting seamlessly.

I practiced for something like 7.5 hours on a one day retreat today. Noting silently. Lots of back tension/pain all day, numbness/warmth/throbbing in the legs. Lots of strobing. Occasional fluttering, pulsations, vibrations. Lots of judging/superiority thoughts about the people around me and aversion to these thoughts. Doubt about my practice (magnified by the instructions about awareness of the body as a whole without intention and NOT objectifying specific phenomena... the opposite of what I was doing), disappointment/expectation relating to what was happening ("where's my spectacular A&P event?") and aversion to these. Other common notes: hearing (football stadium down the street), hearing music (in my head), rehearsing thoughts (about writing this report), a recurring memory (I woke up at 2:30 AM last night to a cop screaming at an uncooperative guy while trying to arrest him right outside my window). Surprisingly, no bright itching until the very last sitting of the day and even then, they weren't as persistent/clear as usual. Good day.

I can't imagine any possibility of reconciling these two perspectives, as to look through either lens in any given moment precludes the possibility of looking through the other. Thousands of years of debate have brought us no closer to a unified field theory of dharma. The best that humans have been able to come up with is a stratified teaching, e.g. Tibetan Buddhism, that values both approaches.

Personally, I agree with the Tibetans that both approaches are invaluable, and have set for myself the goal of mastering the lot. To argue for either to the exclusion of the other is an affront to my aesthetic sense; balance is good, and both the extreme developmentalist and the extreme non-dualist appear lop-sided to my eyes.

To say that these two lenses are irreconcilable is not to say that they are incompatible or in conflict. To the contrary, I find that they go together as naturally as inhalation and exhalation; they complement and complete one another." -- Kenneth Folk

Hi Nadav.
I do understand that you're noting and disembedding from the content of these doubting thoughts. However, sometimes it's helpful to contemplate the content a bit. I think we all feel the contrasting pulls of non-dual practice vs. active investigation. I thought this exchange in Kenneth's "Q&A on the Non-dual" was really helpful...

Question: Implicit in the understanding of Shikantaza and effective meditation practice, as I see it, is the assumption of the Buddha Nature or Complete Perfection model, as opposed to a deficit model - or something to do, change or transform in order to 'get it done.' How do you reconcile these views when you do both kinds of practices?

Answer: You've framed the question nicely. I think of it as development vs. realization: getting it done vs. realizing that nothing need be done. Each of these viewpoints is lord of its own realm. As soon as you admit the existence of time, you see the suffering within and around you and you are bound to try to remedy that. Realization of the timeless, on the other hand, leaves nothing undone in the moment of realization. It's always already done. The developmentalist will point out that it is impractical to spend every waking moment communing with the timeless and therefore development must be attended to. The "now-ist" will say that this is beside the point, as the timeless perspective is always available.
[cont.]

So, for me, the noting practice has started to seem dull, repetitive and, from the standpoint of the fireworks I see other people describing on these boards, largely fruitless. Part of me just wants to go into the woods and stare at trees until I disappear, as I did back during my Krishnamurti infatuation, and forget about the noting and trying to get somewhere. However, at a deeper level, I think I do realize that I need to keep at it now that it's getting more and more painful.
"There are no important sensations," as Owen stressed. And, to paraphrase Kenneth, tanha is wanting anything other than what is here right now. Probably, I haven't learned these lessons at all yet.
So I don't know how much any of this has to do with your practice, particularly. Sorry!

Thanks for your comments, Joel. I can relate to everything you said. Before the retreat I decided to stick to noting, and I definitely didn't want to engage in any analysis for the duration of the retreat (I was not entirely successful with this one). I want to get stream entry and more. Kenneth and others say the way to do this is to note relentlessly so that's what I'm trying to do.
Also, I find that with my current concentration level, it's very easy for me to space out during non-dual practice. If we judge a successful sit by the continuity of mindfulness sustained for the duration of the sit, then noting out loud is by far the most efficient technique for me at this point. Doesn't mean it's easy though

Meditated twice today. ~50 minutes this morning (succumbed to impatience and stopped early) and 1 hour this evening. Very unpleasant with lots of dissatisfaction with what's going on. Pretty irritated most of the day too.
Itching, tension, coolness, frustration, anxiety, self-loathing, anger, impatience, restlessness, planning thoughts, remembering thoughts, some strobing. Sleepiness during the evening sit.
Something interesting happened while I was walking during both sessions. Either something like the witness, where I was watching/hearing myself note, or I just got distracted and kept noting automatically.

"Kenneth and others say the way to do this is to note relentlessly so that's what I'm trying to do."

I'd say you're not 'trying to do it.' Based on your reports, you're really doing it. (Waking up noting, noting in dreams, noting on a five-hour car ride!) It's inspiring, Nadav.

Just finished 1 hour. I recorded it with the intention of transcribing a few minutes here. Very little absorption/subtle stuff in the past few days including this sit. I will use x to indicate repetitions, so itching(xxx) = itching, itching, itching, itching, etc.

Here are a few minutes from today's sit:
planning thought, itching(xxxxxxxxx), imagining, self-conscious, embarrassed, aversion, judging, irritation, amused, content, pleasant, uncertainty, labeling thought, itching(xxx), proud, itching(xxxx), itching-aversion, itching(xxxx), planning thought, fear, anger, frustration, self-pity, judging, itching(xxxxxxxxx), gratitude, itching(xxxxxx), pressure, tension-aversion, stretching, tension-unpleasant, sitting, itching(xxxxxxxxxxxx), itching-unpleasant, sleepy-aversion, searching, tightness, curiosity, anxiety, planning thought, remembering, itching(xxxxx), frustration, hearing, itching(xxxxx), yawning, swaying, itching(xxxxxxxxxxxxxx), remembering thought, amused, remorse, gratitude, itching(xxx), reflection, rehearsing, sitting, coolness-pleasant, tension-unpleasant, itching, uncertainty, searching, itching(xxxx), yawning, tension-unpleasant-aversion, sitting, pressure, tension, chills, itching, tension-unpleasant, sitting, softness-neutral, remembering thought, gratitude, tension-unpleasant, desire to abort*, amused, rehearsing, tingling, numbness, itching-unpleasant, itching, swallowing, hearing, planning thought, itching(xxxx), desire, itching(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx), planning thought, imagining, rehearsing, desire to itch, yawning, itching(xxxxxxxxxx), sitting, seeing, chills, coolness-pleasant, itching, curiosity, remembering thought, fear
[cont.]

content, happy, gratitude, tension-unpleasant, irritation, angry, stretching, stretching-pleasant, itching, hearing, curiosity, nervous, pressure, anticipation, pressure-release, pressure, disgust, aversion, desire to itch, judging, disgust, self-loathing, reflection, tension-unpleasant, coolness, itching(xxxxxxxxxxxxx), tension, desire, frustration, and so on for the rest of the hour.

*Regarding "desire to abort"... I added this to my vocabulary a few weeks ago to refer to the general dissatisfaction I get around this time of the semester, when I want to run away from all my responsibilities and just sit in a cloud of smoke and watch TV or something. This has been a chronic thing for me and it was a revelation that I could dis-embed from it just like everything else.

"Regarding "desire to abort"... I added this to my vocabulary a few weeks ago to refer to the general dissatisfaction I get around this time of the semester, when I want to run away from all my responsibilities and just sit in a cloud of smoke and watch TV or something. This has been a chronic thing for me and it was a revelation that I could dis-embed from it just like everything else.
-Nadav "

Genius. You can dis-embed from this just like everything else.

Two 45 minute sits today.
Less tension today. During this morning's sit there was often a delay between thoughts and my noting of them. Some sleepiness, contentment, planning thoughts, anxiety, etc. Felt a rush of energy, excitement, vibrations on the surface of the skin towards the end.
Evening sit: very intense itching. At one point the whole side of my face was like one big itch field. I focused on one spot, watched it become more intense then subside. Did the wheel a couple of times.

Not much new to report. Sitting for an hour or two most days. Noting out loud. Some days have more itching, some days have less. Same with strobing. Virtually no pulsation/vibration the past couple of weeks. Off-the-cushion noting is easier some days, less consistent on others. My stress level regards school is much lower than it was a few weeks ago... might be related to noting it more consistently and recognizing "desire to abort."
Sometimes when I'm having an unpleasant sit (frustration, impatient, angry, self-loathing, judging, doubt, fear, repeat ad infinitum) there comes a point where I realize that my aversion is conditioning more unpleasantness. All I'm doing is sitting... there's nothing inherently unpleasant (or pleasant) about it, it's all created by the mind anyway. This brings a certain clarity to the sit and makes it easier.

Tried sitting with a kasina a couple of times. The visual field starts to pulse and the bowl turns dark, then back to its regular color, dark again, etc.

Last week was really busy and I lost some momentum towards the end of the week. Something happened on Friday that threw me into all kinds of recursive thinking and I couldn't start to dis-embed from it until Sunday. Sunday I sat for 45 minutes. There was still a lot going on in my mind and I felt overwhelmed by noting so I just sat and noticed silently. Things started to calm down, then a surge of cool energy and strong vibrations all over the body. Same thing when I went to bed that night. Two 45 minute sits on Monday. Strobing. Again, the sudden surge of energy. I get chills and then excited energy all over the body at one.
Just did an hour this morning. Uncovering more hidden layers of negativity in relation to my psychological crap. Strobing at the beginning of the sit. Cool energy and tingling. Some vibration. Not nearly as much grasping/expectation in relation to these as previously.

I met with Kenneth on Skype yesterday. His conjecture is that the center of my practice is in the dukkha nanas, with occasional peeks into equanimity. I hadn't considered this but after reading the description for the dukkha nanas, it does make a lot of sense. I think the shift happened about 2 weeks ago. Some recent things:
-the feeling that I lost concentration and momentum and have been working to regain them
-lots of random headaches (pressure) and forehead tension
-doubts about the practice and thoughts about stopping
-chills/cool energy accompanied by tingling, followed by what feels similar to 3rd nana but without the bright itching. Difficulty noting/sticking with one object. The itching seems to fade with attention rather than become more intense.
-Tons misery/frustration/self-doubt/self-loathing during formal practice and otherwise

I sat for an hour yesterday afternoon. Kenneth reminded me that the way to get past the 3rd nana is to focus on one object (an itch), so this is what I worked on. I noted randomly until a bright itch showed up and then I'd stay with it for as long as possible. The itch would eventually break down into tingling/subtle pulsation, accompanied by strobing and later fluttering. I spent what felt like a long time, maybe 10 minutes, observing the fluttering/strobing in the wheel with lots of exciting vibrations throughout the body. Then the itching returned and I continued noting. I moved between what seems to be 3rd and 4th nanas a few more times (only spending much less time in 4th than the initial time in the sit). I didn't count but I also got the pleasant chills a few times. Eventually things became unpleasant again but without any itching. I'm not very familiar with this territory yet so it's hard to describe it. Stayed there for the rest of the sit.

Good stuff Nadav. Once you know it's dukkha nanas, get interested in it and begin objectifying it via noting, it loses a lot of it's bite.

Glad to hear you're keeping up with it. I'm a big fan!!

Hi Nadav!

I'd just like to say that I'm really inspired by your detailed journaling and progress. I feel like I'm in a similar position to where you were when you started this thread, and reading the details of your practice and success gives me real conviction that progress is possible and motivation to step up my noting during daily activities.

Thank you!

"Hi Nadav!

I'd just like to say that I'm really inspired by your detailed journaling and progress. I feel like I'm in a similar position to where you were when you started this thread, and reading the details of your practice and success gives me real conviction that progress is possible and motivation to step up my noting during daily activities.

Thank you! "

I second Kirby here. Awesome reports, Nadav! Thanks!

Thanks for the continued support.
Just sat for an hour. A similar 70 minute yesterday. As always I'm walking for 10-15 minutes at the beginning of the period.
Started with lots of unpleasant tension/tightness, especially back and shoulders. Some anxiety and planning thoughts about stuff I need to accomplish today. Paying special attention to physical sensations: coolness, softness/hardness (depending on where I'm walking), hearing the footsteps, etc. Started getting some of the bright itching before I sat down and continued to stay with them after sitting. Noted doubt, anxiety, and desire/expectation. Eventually some pulsing, lasting for maybe 10 seconds. Back to itching. Then pulsing again, some tingling, etc. Back to itching. Repeat some more. Chills, pleasant tingling, happy. Some strobing, then itching again... chills again some time later. Some doubt and frustration.
For the rest of the sit, no persistent objects other than the occasional itching (which only lasts for a few seconds now, and doesn't become brighter with attention). Low absorption, feels like I just started the session. Bored, at times a little restless. Speculative thoughts, anxiety, curiosity, impatient, happy, bored, itching, planning thought, wandering thoughts... all ok.

Hi, Nadav!
I am truly inspired by your log!
Keep it up!
(I'll borrow some stuff from you)

Thanks to the "I hate triplets" thread, I've been experimenting with noting quads. If there's a way to not be engaged while noting quads, I have yet to find it. I realized that I was embedded in a layer of thoughts, especially about where I am on the map and stories about practice. Noting has been smoother and more transparent today, with objects presenting themselves more easily and immediately.

I sat with a local group tonight. Two 25 minute sits with walking in the middle. First sit, lots of tension, physical discomfort, sleepiness, anger. Numbness, frustration, judging my neighbors, embarrassment about judging my neighbors. Focused on an itch and watched it start to wiggle and flicker. Subtle tingling all over the body. Strobing, itching, sleepiness, dream images, itching, tingling, etc.
Second sit: after a warm up period (probably some itching), very intense vibrations. Fast and wide, all over the body. I imagined they would've be visible to an observer. Felt very excited. Brightness in the visual field, then strobing and rapid continuous fluttering for a while. Disappointment when the fireworks ended. Doubt, mapping paranoia ("here's an itch.. what does that mean? did I go back down?"), frustration, anger, anxiety, tension in the forehead and desire for its release, etc. Eventually, negativity passes. Very calm and somewhat sleepy. Noting slows down but it doesn't bother me. Bell rings too soon.

"Thanks to the "I hate triplets" thread, I've been experimenting with noting quads. If there's a way to not be engaged while noting quads, I have yet to find it."

Nice!

Didn't get a lot of sleep last night and had a lot of trouble noting during this morning's sit. The mind was all over the place and I kept getting lost in thoughts. Lots of anxiety about school work and tension in the shoulders/chest. Sleepiness. Got up after 35 minutes. Noted anxiety, tension, frustration, anger, self-loathing, judging, melancholy as I walked to school.
Lots of random vibratory activity throughout the day: sporadic pulsing, vibrations (sometimes very subtle to the point of doubting whether they're really there, a couple of times so intense I was worried about people noticing), rapture (happiness, a feeling of energy inside the body). This mostly (only?) happened while I was sitting still, generally after noting or maintaing awareness of the body for a few minutes. Earlier in the day the vibrations were mainly in the head, chest and arms. In the evening, also in the legs.
Other than that, lots of negativity like in the morning and difficulty sustaining noting.