Nadav's practice notes

My sits this week were pretty ambiguous. For the most part, no apparent stages - just sitting, kind of bored or impatient, some frustration about this, desire for something to happen, etc. Less suffering and less motivation to sit.

Just sat for an hour. Started with lots of back tension. Doubt, impatient. Eventually a bright itch appeared and I focused on it. Became more concentrated and watched some strobing (using the eye postures) for a while after the itch subsided. Some disgusting images went through my mind as I did this. Continued noting for the rest of the sit. Nothing stands out in particular. Boredom, frustration, impatient, aversion to sitting, timer curiosity, calm, amused, swaying, restless, mapping thought, doubt, planning thought, etc.

1 hour sit. What a trip.
Started out with aversion to noting, doubt, judging, self-loathing, self-pity, frustration, anxiety, tension during the walking portion. Some planning/imagining thoughts as I sat down. Noted an itch and stayed with it. Almost immediately, tingling rising from the legs and some quick pulses. Surge of energy, brightness in the visual field. Immense sense of gratitude... for my friends, practice, being alive, etc. This blissful gratitude remained with me for the rest of the sit. Content, happy, grasping, laughing, pulsation, gratitude. Very chilled out. Noted some tension in the forehead that immediately released as as energetic vibrations (for a second or two) that shook the body. Lots of images from the past and imagined future. Occasionally I'd space out for a couple of seconds but noting resumed naturally without getting angry about it. Eventually I got a little bit bored and restless but there was a space between "me" and the restlessness. Swaying, timer curiosity, stretching, etc... I was aware of these but didn't get caught up in them as much.

Hour sit this morning. My old friend the bright itch was back in full force. Watched one itch on the cheek for a long time. It expanded, became more intense, faded a little bit, stayed the same, etc. The mind was all over the place and it was hard to stay with one object. No apparent signs of A&P. The itching just disappeared and I noted frustration, impatient, angry, doubt, mapping thoughts, sad, fear, doubt, frustration, self-loathing, judging, reflection, curiosity, impatient, restless, aversion to sitting, speculative thought etc for a while. Then some itching again, then very impatient and negative again.
Off-the-cushion noting has been difficult and sporadic the past couple of days also.

Here's an entry I wrote after sitting last night, right as the site went down:
Just meditated for 45 minutes. I'd been feeling dark for a few hours and started noting before I sat. Warmed up by walking and noting quads. So much negativity. Self-loathing, misery, frustration, heaviness, tightness, fear, doubt, anxiety, strong forehead pressure/tension with aversion, anger, sad, helpless, etc. Suddenly I realized that the negativity was gone. What a relief! Amused, laughing, nervous, mapping thought, anticipation, itching, itching, curiosity, anxiety, bored, impatient, timer curiosity, desire to get up, swaying, softness-pleasant, planning thought, gratitude. Some negativity returned but to a lesser degree.

55 minutes this morning and 30 minutes this afternoon. Also noted for about 30 minutes while waiting for car repair earlier.
Very impatient in my sits. Feels like I'm stuck in the 3rd nana. Tension, doubt, mapping thoughts, some anxiety, frustration. The itching appears pretty consistently but it's difficult to stay with one. I'll stay with an itch for a while then note some thoughts or other sensations and then it disappears. Some very subtle tingling/vibrations for a few seconds this morning following an itch. Beyond that, if I'm crossing the A&P at all in my sits, I'm not aware of it.

Semester is over. Two 1 hour sits so far today.
The second sit had a very clear progression. Itching and tension for a bit, then some vibrations and strobing. Watched the strobing for a few minutes (felt nice, energetic) and continued noting as soon as I started to lose concentration. Soon after, cool energy all over the body and the visual field (open eyes at this point) started to wobble a little bit. Very quickly, doubt, frustration, fear (heard someone walk by), and strong back pain. Continued noting for a while, paying attention to the corresponding physical sensations to these mind states.
Suddenly I realized that I was very absorbed. Noting stopped by itself and lots of dream-like thoughts and images were happening. Felt very spacious and light. Picked up a pulse and noticed I was swaying to it a little bit. No physical pain or tension. Boundaries of the body were a little vague at this point. Some light strobing going on. This was all new and very exciting. Felt content. Tried noting but it felt like a chore. Desire to stay absorbed in this state. Asked "I wonder what my next thought will be" for a little bit. Felt concentration waning and resumed noting. External environment and body returned, etc. Disappointment, amused, curiosity. Some tension and anxiety returned but I was more equanimous towards it. Started getting bored and a little impatient, but not as restless as I have been lately. Same for the rest of the sit.

Progress! Very clear description the Jhanic Arc.

Antero.

Three 1 hour sits today (really, ~15 minutes of walking + sitting for the rest).
1st: very impatient, restless, irritated. noting was very quick and easy.
2nd: relief. whatever was happening was fine. some strong pulses in the middle
3rd: started like the 2nd sit. half way through, caught myself in an elaborate fantasy. lots of thoughts. became absorbed, a little sleepy.

On Thursday Kenneth taught me how to feel the body as a whole and notice any mind states that arise as physical sensations. Very similar to the 1st stage (just sitting) of the 'silent illumination' method I learned from the Chan teacher here in town. I've been integrating this into the sits, a few minutes at a time whenever it feels right. I was doing this at some point during the 3rd sit and could very clearly see any doubt or worry manifest as a change in the body.

I meditated for 3 hours yesterday and 2 hours and 40 minutes today. After my first sit yesterday, a lot of negativity returned. Very impatient while sitting. Restlessness and swaying, doubt and aversion to sitting. Bad concentration outside of meditation and generally grumpy and judgmental in social settings. Back and leg pain. Tension in the forehead while sitting and random headaches throughout the day. Same thing today.

Didn't get to sit much last weekend because of a friend's wedding. I've been easing back into it this week, sitting 2 or 3 times a day. I'm a lot less hardcore about it than I was last week. The desire is still there but less drive to actually do it. Finding it hard to sit for the whole hour but off-the-cushion noting is happening more easily.
Noting out loud, lots of triplets. Sometimes I'll just stay with the body without noting and if things get subtle (doesn't happen often) then I watch the fluttering/strobing. Lots and lots of tension, particularly in the shoulders. The bright itching appears but it's hard to stay with it. Yesterday's sits were calm and happy. Today, lots of anxiety, doubt, fear, impatience, sleepiness.
I was pulled over for speeding last night and noted while waiting for the cop to write my ticket.

oh i just had to giggle at the "noting while getting a ticket" part ...

45 minutes.
A few rounds of breath counting then noting out loud, walking for a bit at first. Mind very scattered and I had to restart the counting a few times which rarely happens. Some pulsing while counting. I have a cold so lots of pressure at various points on the head, chest, etc. Tension in the throat and back with lots of aversion, self-pity, self-loathing. Planning thoughts, visual images, some anxiety-tightness.
As soon as I sat down, cool tingling/chills all over the body and release of tension. This has been happening in every sit lately. Lots of solid tension in the shoulders and lower back. Feels like a knot. Frustration, planning thoughts, anxiety.
No absorption - eyes open for most of the sit. Aversion to sitting/noting with a tendency to get lost in an 'urgent' planning/imagining thought, or looking around (forgot to note 'seeing').

Finished the 1st week of school. So many opportunities to note just walking around, waiting for class to start, for the teacher to say something useful, etc.

45 minutes.
Walked for a few minutes. Upon sitting, body felt surprisingly light, comfortable and pain-free. Noting felt very accurate - catching subtle thoughts and images.
Soon, noted a bright itch and stayed with it for a while. Closed my eyes as concentration increased. The itch was very clear and at the center of everything. Brightness in the visual field turns to strobing, becoming more and more intense. Excitement.
Stayed with the itch and continued to note aloud. Calm and content.
Concentration suddenly dropped and I opened my eyes. Noting was very rapid and effortless.
For a few seconds there was a distance between the observer and the noting - I was watching/hearing myself note, amazed by the speed.
The itch and another that had been in the background were still there but vague and not appealing for repeated noting. The 2 points continued like this for most of the remaining time.
There was a subtle change in the visual field at this point that I can't describe. Eyes remained open for the rest of the sit.
The body tensed up and I noted "despair" and then reflected on how perfectly that described what was happening.
Noting slowed down and I started spacing out a little, taking longer to notice thoughts and images. Memories of recent emotionally painful episodes.
Noting still pretty continuous, maybe 3-4 seconds at most between notes. The body felt generally icky and painful in an undefined way.
Became impatient and restless with lots of swaying, looking around, stretching, etc.
Frustration, desire for relief, lots of anxiety, fear, doubt and so on. Lots of upper back and shoulder tension.
Generally the same for the last ~15 minutes of the sit.

Sitting (noting out loud) for 45 minutes or an hour a day. I've started doing a little samatha here and there using a kasina for 10-20 minutes. Daily off-the-cushion noting is not happening as much - I've been a little more keen on body awareness lately but I think it's harder to sustain this.
Don't think I'm regularly crossing the A&P in my sits. Motivation fairly low.

Today, stared at the bowl for 10 minutes and then noted for an hour. Had to get up to re-set the timer at the beginning of the noting session so I walked for a bit.
Calmness, contentment carried over from the samatha. Bright itches.
Started getting absorbed while walking. Sat down and stayed with some itches for a while. Anxiety and tightness.
Became more absorbed while noting an itch: external environment faded, strobing in the visual field. Tension, thoughts about my posture, irritation, mapping thoughts.
Strobing became very intense. I was interested in it but not excited/happy.
Tried to observe the vipassana eye posture but immediately felt painful tension in the forehead so I continued noting. Heard some neighbors talking and felt irritation, anger.
Absorption faded and I opened my eyes. Hearing, pressure (felt my legs again), numbness, etc.
Almost immediately, overwhelming anxiety, sadness, doubt, self-loathing, frustration, general body pain/ickiness, disgust. Inability to sustain an upright posture.
Some itching here and there. The nasty stuff passed after some time but the body still felt tense and unpleasant.
Somewhat spaced out at this point. Some itching again. Impatient.

Hi Nadav,
Sounds like solid practice. What do you mean with "mapping thoughts"?

Thoughts about the stages of insight and trying to fit my experience into them.

Sat with the Chan group last night. For the first period, felt very sleepy so I kept my eyes open. Started getting trippy visuals like I do with kasina practice: everything darkens, like a big shadow, and sort of dances around. Drowsiness feels very similar to absorption. During the second period I wasn't as sleepy and was able to note more continuously. Again, very absorbed. Towards the end, felt like my body was in a twisted position even though I was sitting up straight - like my head was turned sideways and my hands were 'upside down'. I've gotten this before.

Sat with a kasina for 15 minutes before bed last night. Started getting pulses: a very clear and continuous one in the legs, a subtler one in the chest and vibrations in the head. I noted as I lay in bed and there were vibrations/pulsations all over the body, but especially at the top of head... right at the center, a circle 2-3cm in diameter and the chest. Rather unpleasant and irritating. Things calmed down a little bit (but still, vibrations all over the body) and my (visual) awareness felt very wide and panoramic. No distortion in the perception of the body.

This morning, sat with a kasina for 10 minutes and then noted for 55 minutes. Didn't really get settled. Got lost in thoughts/imaging and there was sometimes a delay between the event and the noting. Very scattered. Dullness, boredom, some anxiety. They were mowing the lawn outside. Lots of upper body tension for the first half of the sit.

This is good, Nadav. See if you can keep up the momentum. The two-steps-forward-one-step-back phenomenon is common and can be aggravated by uneven practice. If you keep the momentum high, you can get up to the cutting edge of your practice each day and start to stabilize there.

Continued gaining momentum following my last post. Felt more motivated to note off-the-cushion and had a few days of seemingly continuous awareness.
I've been doing a lot more 2nd gear/Witness practice off-the-cushion too. Seems like between these two techniques I can practice in any situation.
Had a few days of negativity: anxiety, frustration, tension in the body, judgmental and desire to be isolated, restlessness while sitting, obsessive thoughts about progress/mapping. Also lots of forehead pressure.
This cleared up at some point within the past week and my general orientation to life has been a lot more positive. Less suffering, no concern about the maps and other conceptual BS.

In my sits from the past few days, about half way through, I sometimes experience an overwhelming release of sadness and a weird body sensation that I can best describe as pain. Expansive energy that wants to explode, or something like that. Very brief and startling/amazing.
Other than that my sits have been mildly pleasant. I'm noting aloud and just sitting with the body silently here and there during every sit. Things feel less rushed but also boring at times. Time has been passing by very slowly and I usually get impatient with about 20 minutes left on the timer (doing 60 minutes total, walking for first ~15). Bright itching hasn't been happening much. Sometimes I'll pick up on a subtle pulse while I sit and stay with it. Every few days I'll notice a pulse or subtle vibration while noting in class or in bed before going to sleep.

The past 2-3 days have been marked by lots of anxiety, aversion to sitting/noting, spacing out, stress.
I sat for a hour every day this week except for one day where I had two shorter sits.

1 hour today. Warm up period while walking. Lots of sticky thoughts - took a few minutes to start catching/noting them quickly. Noticed that when I space out, I'm usually not paying attention to the body, so worked on staying with physical sensations (balancing the four foundations). Lots of tension. Anxiety, sadness, frustration, doubt.
Noting sped up, more continuous and thorough. Gratitude, pressure-unpleasant-aversion, hearing, remembering thought, amusement, anxiety-tension-tightness, self-loathing, etc. Sudden moment of happiness somewhere in the there.
Sat down. A little sleepiness. Noticed some strobing (eyes closed) after a few minutes and went into the wheel. Pretty pleasant, a little sleepy still. Opened my eyes and resumed noting aloud. Less anxiety at this point. Contentment, coolness-pleasant, happiness, doubt, planning thought, reflection, judgment. Spaced out for a few seconds and was brought back by a surge of energy rising through the body, lifting my head at the end. Excitement.
Became very spaced out, mostly planning/imagining an upcoming recital. Anxiety, judgment, frustration. Swaying, restlessness but not much impatience. Brought myself back by feeling the body, pressure of my legs against the cushion, etc. Spaced out again, continued noting again, and repeat.
Kasina practice for the last 8 minutes.

Fantastic report, Nadav.

Yesterday and today: less negativity. Much less anxiety about school (even though the work is not much closer to being done), more sociable.

Just meditated for an hour.
Warm up walking period: found myself noting lots of mind states, thoughts and images at first. Gently added body sensations.
When I sat down, very clear awareness of the entire body. Sat very still, felt grounded and clear. Eyes open - no push to seek absorption. Noting very continuously. Settled on an itch and stayed with it for a while, juxtaposing occasional notes of shoulder tension, reflection, judgment, hearing, etc, but mainly the itch. Closed my eyes after a few minutes. Itch became a little more fuzzy. Opened the eyes.

Sudden wave of fear and sadness with the overwhelming body feeling I mentioned in post #168. It's very hard to describe this physical sensation... harsh energy all over the body all at the once, more inside than on the surface. Something like that. This time it was accompanied by some terrifying thoughts/images and I was very close to crying. Physical restlessness/swaying. I noted randomly then returned to the same itch and another wave of sadness came some minutes later, accompanied by self-pity and followed by gratitude for the practice.

Things 'cleared up' and I continued noting randomly. Not as much clarity and stillness as the beginning, but no strong tension or anxiety. This felt like a good time to get up, which I did not do. Looking around, stretching, adjusting my posture, etc. A little bit bored but still engaged and interested for the most part.
With about 15 minutes left I closed my eyes, stopped noting and focusing the body as a whole, focusing on spots of tension as they appeared. Tension was primarily in the shoulders/upper back and forehead. Doing this is rather pleasant and relaxing. Felt a pulse in the head and some subtle fluttering of the eyes for a few seconds.
[cont.]

Some strobing started and I watched it for a bit. Felt the forehead/eye tension that lets me know to abandon the wheel. Opened my eyes and noted lazily for the last few minutes.

Life is still good. Surprisingly little anxiety. I find myself noting contentment/happiness at random moments when I sit, regardless of what unpleasant stuff might be going on at the same time (like tension in the body or boredom).

I sat twice today. Noting was significantly faster and more continuous than the previous days. Kenneth suggested that I investigate the way thoughts arise and mentioned that we're not aware of a lot of the thinking that goes on. This has become apparent today. I'm noticing lots of thoughts that just appear as quick flashes: visual thought, planning thought, doubtful thought, remembering thought, reflective thought, etc all together and seemingly impossible to note. It's overwhelming at times.