A beginners Journal

Feeling really good again today, maybe I'm not in the DN at all? Realized today that I've been trying to have, what I conceive of as, "meditation experiences". Mellow, happy, lots of profound insights, Lebowski without the weed or white Russians. Without realizing it I've been trying to force results onto my practice, probably not unheard of, but glad I noticed it today. Feel strongly that I don't need to be doing that, all I have to do is relax and pay attention. Today this practice seems very simple, not necessarily easy, but simple. Of course if I knew my arse from my elbow I'd already be enlightened, so what do I know. Everything feels right with the world today, and that won't last.
My sit today was very tired, I was able to watch myself be tired, which was kind of cool. It's all Khumbaya and smores with me today. I'll probably be on here whining tomorrow.
SEoB

Sounds good RevElev. Perhaps you made it past the dookie bananas into equanimity. It'll become clear in time as long as you keep doing really great journal entries like your last ones

Thanks mu, I'm going to use "dookie bananas" sounds much less sinister then Dark Night.
50 min this am.
My sit was similar to 74 above, without any sort of white spot. Experienced pressure between my eyes and the crown of my head simultaneously early on. The pressure at my crown left and the pressure at my eyes expanded into a rough triangle through my nose/sinuses up to a point at the top of my forehead. While feeling very clear/energetic/blissed out I started to feel each heart beat reverberate through my upper body. This lasted about 2 minutes, then just faded away. Again this high energy/good feeling lasted about 15 minutes then I moved into less pleasant experiences. (Maybe into 6-10)
The energy decreased dramatically and pain appeared in my legs and lower back. It felt like coming back to real life. I noticed that my attention seemed drawn to, then away from the visual field. When drawn to it my energy and pleasant sensations would increase, and decrease as I moved away from it. Went back and forth several times. I've been trying to just sit with whatever happens and not force the practice at all, so I believe this movement is not forced.

Feel very good again this am, my girlfriend asked me why I've been in such a good mood lately. Not a question I've had to answer in quite a while. Practice feels effortless the last three days, like it's a natural part of my experience. No effort is required to maintain almost constant awareness of my sensations, if I put in effort I just notice more subtle sensations. Laying in bed last night noticed my entire body vibrating very subtly, never experienced this vibrating before. Wrote earlier about never having had this vibration experience everyone here writes about, maybe I have.
SEoB

Vibrating... get used to it.

80 min yesterday, 50 this am.
Began counting 5 exhalations to settle. Quickly felt gross and pleasant tingling/energy on the skin. The energy became more fine and the pleasantness decreased, this took maybe 5 minutes. Began to experience pleasantness appear then disappear, same as above. When focused on the visual field pleasantness increases. If I placed my attention on the entire body the pleasantness decreased, became neutral. This was very subtle, regardless of whether my attention was on the eyes or entire body I seemed completely aware of the other area. The pleasantness was also very subtle, I wasn't even able to tell exactly what felt pleasant, I would just begin to smile. It seemed more like a mind state than a physical sensation of pleasantness. I went back and forth several times watching the change, 15 -20 minutes. Noticed loud ringing in my ears during this time. I don't know if one area of focus is more beneficial, or if it's worth spending time continuing to exam this.
I began to notice a common pull to the right. It feels like my head has turned about 45 degrees to the right. I've opened my eyes in the past and my head has barely moved, maybe a half inch from centre. This was followed by pressure on my right side, most prominent in my right eye. The input from my right eye seems to go gray, and it feels like someone is lightly pressing on my eyelid. The right side of my neck became tense and I had slight pain on the top right side of my head. I also felt pressure on my right arm and leg and right side of my torso. This began to break up at my right eye and my visual sensations became normal in both eyes. The pressure on the rest of my body also decreased, although the right side of my neck is still slightly stiff. Once this pressure let up I went back to focusing on the visual field, sure enough pleasantness arose.

cont.
Shortly after I had a lot of lights in the visual field. Most were fairly dull but quick moving, but a couple were quite bright, but short lived flashes.
I'm still feeling pressure in my head, it comes and goes and is affected by my attention. Increase attention=increase pressure. This pressure had completely disappeared for a while, when I was feeling really crappy recently.
Overall I still feel good, but not giddy happy like the last few days. More of a normal feeling of a good day.
SEoB

Cool bananas! I used to get this weird warping feeling in my face and it felt like my face was getting scrunched up and disformed. I stopped meditating many a time to touch my face and make sure I wasn't mutating into anything. In hindsight, it was the whole physio-energetic development me thinks. Cutting out a path means blockages and weird physical effects. All this sounds a lot like the 3rd nana. The lights you describe sound like early onset of the 4th nana- the A/P and you said you felt giddy in the last few days. Smells like A/P to me. But could be wrong.

Nice!

Nick

Thanks Nick,
I'm confused, I thought I had already entered DN(post 64) after crossing A&P(41-43). Could I have slipped backwards?
Would reaching A&P again be so similar to the first time? Hhhmmmmm... maybe I'm physio-energetically constipated. Oh well, practice is the same regardless. I've noticed I'm getting impatient with my practice, need to relax with it a little.

"Thanks Nick,
I'm confused, I thought I had already entered DN(post 64) after crossing A&P(41-43). Could I have slipped backwards?
Would reaching A&P again be so similar to the first time? Hhhmmmmm... maybe I'm physio-energetically constipated. Oh well, practice is the same regardless. I've noticed I'm getting impatient with my practice, need to relax with it a little.
"

I could be completely wrong mate! Hehe! But also you can slip back down and make your way up again. it's all part of the process of cutting out a path through the strata of mind. Consider it like swinging back and forth from one bank of the river to the other on a rope. You have to keep swinging back and froth , each time gaining some more height to eventually let go. But to get the height, to let go and reach the other side of the river bank, you have to swing backwards then forwards.

You are gaining more height and insight matures and you master and own the nanas over time. it's all good. Practice is the same as you say.



Nick

Thanks for the reply Nick! I can't help but get a little uptight about this sometimes. I guess that's the downside to being goal oriented. Like I said, need to relax, about results, and focus on the practice.

VERY frustrated today, whats the point if I don't even get to 11th nana. Chasing my tail around A&P. Dark Night...again?

"VERY frustrated today, whats the point if I don't even get to 11th nana. Chasing my tail around A&P. Dark Night...again?"

What's going on in this moment is the door to the door to the door, RevElev. Bill H. told me that. Just note whatever is happening in this moment, regardless of whether it's pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Trust that the noting is doing its work, untangling the misperceptions one tiny knot at a time. This is how it works; the results are there, but may seem imperceptible for some period of time... until the next big thing happens. Just keep after it, steady as she goes.

"VERY frustrated today, whats the point if I don't even get to 11th nana. Chasing my tail around A&P. Dark Night...again?"

Ohhhh boy, do I know the feeling! I've got nothing in the way of sage advice or anything, but I did want to drop a note and let you know that you're certainly not the only one, bruised and bloody in the corner of the ring in the endless bout with Dukkha. I've been bouncing in between A&P and Equanimity for months now, taking my lashes on a daily basis. Terrible!
One of the few things that brings any consolation to me about this is that perhaps being in such a position at least familiarizes one with the Rough Stuff of Insight in a very deep and valuable way. For instance, I feel like the second time I came down from regularly hitting the 11th nana and into the DN territory, I could at least tolerate the intensity that I was finding there- a kinda cynical sort of tolerance, like sitting down and eating Suffering Flakes for breakfast every morning, but that seems a lot better than getting as wrapped up and embedded as I did not only three or four months ago. Have you noticed anything like this in your own process? Perhaps it takes a maniac's pleasure in jumping into a snake pit every sit?
In any case, many best wishes, sir. You are not alone, and the sun shall rise again!
Gabriel

I'm getting too tied up in accomplishment(maps) and comparison again. My practice has become another source of stress in my life.I'm going to be taking a step back and posting less often. Still practicing and keeping a journal.
45 this am.
Pretty good concentration, experienced the usual. Settling, a bit of twitching and itching, then flashes of light and an energy surge. What came after was slightly unpleasant though. After the sit I'm now experiencing some tightness(pinching) behind the eyes, in the outside corners, hot flashes and slight nausea. Some pressure on the top of my head as well. Slightly unpleasant. I've also had a couple bright blue flashes with my eyes open, vibrant blue dots, off the cushion. Yesterday experienced flashes also with eyes open. It was like a flashbulb going off, but I was the only one here. I saw three in the bathroom mirror that happened in the living room behind me, I went to check it out and nothing was there. Walking to the bedroom a flash seemed to go off in the bedroom, I was alone and no reason for any flashing to be happening. Hopefully this is dookie bananas and I can get through this, quickly.
2nd 45 min. sit.
Unpleasant, similar to above, but worse. Pinching at the third eye and temples, hot flashes and sweating. Leg, back, neck and shoulder pain. I had to count breaths to get through the last 5 minutes. Headache at my forehead and slight dizziness now. Also, my concentration really faltered for the last half. Struggled.
In both sits I had the flashing and energy surge that may be A&P before the worst of it happened.
I vow to one day make dookie banana bread out of all this for the benefit of all beings.
SEoB.

There are two very different instructions, depending on whether a yogi is pre- or post- fourth ñana. A pre- fourth ñana yogi, i.e. one who has not attained to the level of the Arising and Passing Away of Phenomena, must put his focus on penetrating the object. A post- fourth ñana yogi must concentrate. It's that simple.
A post 4th ñana yogi is in no danger of becoming "lost in concentration." He or she has all the tools to deconstruct whatever object presents itself to the mind. The important thing now is to access the relevant mental strata. These strata are accessed through concentration. -Kenneth Folk

QUESTION:
I'm working on my concentration(see post 89) with the only goal being stream entry. When taking the breath as object I quickly and regularly experience very pleasant waves of sensation wash over my body and mind(1st jhana?). Should I change my focus to this and move onto 2nd jhana, or am I better off staying with the breath and more or less ignoring the sensations? I have gone with the sensations because they are very plesant. I'd just like to know which may lead me to SE the quickest.
Thanks in advance!

12/28/10
Great sit. 10x5 on the breath. Stayed with the breath. Went through some tightness in the jaw muscles (where the bones join) and nausea. Three waves of energy through the body, lights as well (A&P?). Pain in the legs, fairly strong but not that bothersome. The last 10 minutes of the sit, it was like things just relaxed, the tension and pain faded and the breath, and attention, became very gentle and soft. Very comfortable and pleasant. Entire body vibrating at the end, solidity really starting to crumble. The visual field was vibrating and seemed very unstable and fragile. Everything vibrating, gentle, soft, and pleasant. Also experienced pulsing in the forehead and eyes(near the end), as well as a pressure "cap"2/3 through.
12/29/10
Very similar sit to yesterday. Started with pleasantness following the breath. Felt my awareness open then a couple minutes later...suffering. Mostly mental/emotional doubt, self-doubt, frustration, fear, anger, self-pity. I was ready to get, but looked at my timer and had 17 of 45 minutes left to go so I stuck with it.With about 5-10 min left things opened up again. My focused widened and seemed to soften. I seemed to be watching the breath from a distance now. I also had the fine and pleasant vibrations/energy running over the surface of my entire body. I seem to be hitting A&P(?) on a more regular basis, good news that.
I've also been in a good mood for the last couple weeks, not constant but better then normal. My girlfriend agrees. The suffering mentioned above seems like it may be DN, or maybe just 3rd nana. The couple weeks time frame corresponds to some A&P experiences, but shouldn't I be miserable? I am suffering in some ways, physical and emotional, but it usually seems muted/impersonal. Feel less bothered by things, seem to have more perspective.
SEoB!!!!

45m, am.
Good sit. Felt very relaxed and open immediately. 1X10 to settle, did quickly. Felt like for the first time, in a week or two, I wasn't pushing, just watching. After about 5m waves of pleasant energy/vibrations over the skin, lasted about 2-3m. Had some thoughts arise and clearly felt it result in tightness in my chest, this has happened before but not in weeks. After 10-15m had the lights, energy surge and posture straightening that has become common. Pleasant. Then found myself pulled to the right again, noted this before. Experienced some tightness develop and a slight stomach ache.
Then it seemed to start again. The energy/vibration over the skin, then a few min. later lights in the visual field, energy was very subtle, may have been scripted, that subtle. Also another pull to the right after the lights. Timer went off.
What the hell? Up and then up again? hmmm.. See what happens next time.
Feeling "normal" lately. Since I started meditating 7 months ago I've felt different, in a good way, in my daily life. That's gone now, nothing feels different or special. I don't feel more relaxed or insightful or special. My life has changed for the better, I can see it and those close to me do as well. It just no longer feels like something is changed in my life. It seems like this better has become my new normal.
Averaging 90 minutes/day this past week.

Stream Entry in 2011.

"45m, am.
Good sit. Felt very relaxed and open immediately. 1X10 to settle, did quickly. Felt like for the first time, in a week or two, I wasn't pushing, just watching. After about 5m waves of pleasant energy/vibrations over the skin, lasted about 2-3m. Had some thoughts arise and clearly felt it result in tightness in my chest, this has happened before but not in weeks. After 10-15m had the lights, energy surge and posture straightening that has become common. Pleasant. Then found myself pulled to the right again, noted this before. Experienced some tightness develop and a slight stomach ache.
Then it seemed to start again. The energy/vibration over the skin, then a few min. later lights in the visual field, energy was very subtle, may have been scripted, that subtle. Also another pull to the right after the lights. Timer went off.
What the hell? Up and then up again? hmmm.. See what happens next time.
Feeling "normal" lately. Since I started meditating 7 months ago I've felt different, in a good way, in my daily life. That's gone now, nothing feels different or special. I don't feel more relaxed or insightful or special. My life has changed for the better, I can see it and those close to me do as well. It just no longer feels like something is changed in my life. It seems like this better has become my new normal.
Averaging 90 minutes/day this past week.

Stream Entry in 2011.
"

Sounds like you acclimatized Rev

It happens at each path too. Post 4th I feel quite normal and I can't remember how it was pre-path. Good sign of progress and integration. 2011!! I'm rooting for ya!

45m pm
Just observed the breath and sensations, tried to remain open and aware. Experienced the lights/surge/vibrations 6 times in 45 minutes. They occurred for shorter periods and with less time in between as I sat. The first one was maybe 3 minutes and after 10-15 minutes sitting. The last one was about 30-45 seconds and occurred about 2-3 minutes after the proceeding surge. I also experienced a very gross tingling on my scalp. This was neutral, occasionally slightly pleasant.
Probably unrelated but I woke up yesterday with a bad earache, strangely it is connected to a point on the top of my head. Stabbing pain comes in waves to both my ear and scalp at the same time.

1/2/11
45m, am
More of the same, energy surges but more subtle today. Somehow related to the eyes. Also noticing physical tension off the cushion more clearly, really relaxed into this more expansive awareness method of sitting. Feels very natural, both formal and informal. Feels like real progress, or at least what I think real progress should be.
Finding that maintaining my awareness in the present is very pleasant. Everything is pleasant, watching my breath makes me happy, feeling the vibrations/energy on my skin is wonderful. Hell, everything is wonderful. Confused by this, where'd DN go? This change began early-mid December. It's not constant good times, but my life is so much better. I think it's actually my view of my life is so much better. Perspective is a good thing. I'm seeing my expectations and letting them go, and some suffering along with them.
I believe something has changed. I'm interacting differently with my life. I often see emotions appear in the body and mind simultaneously and find I can let them go just by noticing the physical part of it. The sensation seems to always be tension, with "negative" emotions presenting a greater degree of tension than "positive" ones. I have more work to do in pinpointing where this tension is exactly, so far mostly chest and shoulders, and if it has any more subtle differences for different emotions.
SE11

I've been noticing the last couple of days how much I add to my experiences. Instead of just accepting what is, I dump my expectations and judgments all over reality. I have expectations of meditation, how I should feel if aware at work, how I should feel walking home. And if my experience doesn't meet these expectations I'm stressed that I'm "doing it" wrong. I tried at the end of work today to just be with whatever was present, my mood improved slowly but steadily. This seems like a very important realization for me. I think I'm seeing this because meditation is showing me how wonderful reality really is, just on it's own, the way it naturally unfolds. I can't improve it, just diminish it.
I wrote on another thread about expectations:"They seem to be a rejection of what is, in favour of what I think should be. I noticed today at work a subtle physical stress that was being caused because I felt I should be more focused/aware at work, this caused me mild suffering. Once I recognized it and relaxed around the sensation I began to feel more at ease."

Could I be hanging out in A&P? Or, have I crossed the DNs?
I'm very curious to answer this question, but I'm happier and experiencing more insight and understanding than I have at any other time of my life so it really doesn't matter. I'm happy to be where I am, for now at least. I know this won't last, but it is unbelievably pleasant so I'll try to enjoy it before another round of dookie bananas come up.

The Idiot's Guide to Dharma Diagnosis:
Case Study # 4:

Report: I went through the 3rd, 4th, and dukkha ñanas (as described above) and now I feel fine every time I sit.

Diagnosis: 11th ñana, Knowledge of Equanimity.

'But I'm not having any insights.'

Right. Knowledge of Equanimity.

Sounds right, but I'd classify my realizations about expectations(post 96 above) to be insights. ??

45m am.
Noticed something missing today. 1-2 months ago I noticed that I added an image or sound to my breath as I watched it. It was completely mental, but seemed to be like the sound I'd hear if I puckered my lips and breathed deeply. I added this to my experience of breathing. I tried to get rid of it for a while, to just drop it, but couldn't let it go. I gave up after a while and completely forgot about it. Today I noticed that it's gone. I'm not sure if it just stopped today or it happened a while ago. I watched and it didn't reappear during my sit. I tried to add it myself and found that it felt very unnatural and I had to expend a surprising amount of effort to do it. It felt like picking up a 50 lb sack of cement and walking with it. It's cool, but a little odd, because it seems like the part of "me" that was doing this is just gone. I know it's not really "me", and that part wasn't helping in any way, but it's still weird to notice that part of what I've believed was me is gone.
I'm dropping away, falling apart, and I like it very much.
SE11.

Finding it very difficult to change the focus to the breath at the abdomen. Forcing the ab out so it's more noticeable, changing my breathing as well. Definitely felt a lot heat arise during my sit though, and they have gone by quickly.
My concentration is changing, feels like a large room with the breath at the centre holding it all together. I don't look directly at the breath, just sense it in the room. Is the "room" my awareness? Not sure if this is a phase in the chicken herding analogy, I should check that out.
Also finding it more difficult to notice breath at ab while not sitting.
Experiencing strong emotion, just realized I work Sunday morning. Tension and heat in the shoulders. Expectation of having a nice weekend at home shot to hell, seeing that I'm not OK with the change. Noticing that it's just sensations and mis-perceptions breaks it down into just that sensations, the "emotion" disappears. The body feels the same(tension), but I'm not so pissy about it. Still wish I could stay home though, snowing like crazy out their.
Think I'm still at equanimity. Everything is good, some of the luster seems to have faded, but no complaints. Or I could be wrong again, but post 97 is still dead accurate.