Eric_G's Practice Journal

I wanted to start a practice journal of some sort, maybe get some feedback, as what I've gotten here and there has been very helpful.

My background is that I have been meditating off and on for 30+ years, but definitely mostly off. Mainly a few periods here and there where I got interested for a few months and subsequently gave up.

5 years ago I had a huge altered state experience, in retrospect it would seem to be a classic A&P, as it had all the aspects of 2nd jhana, and I completely saw through the characteristic of suffering. I would love to have the pristine, crystal clear and unclouded mind that I had in that experience (never mind the monumental joy, love, and compassion, I'd gladly settle for just that fresh, clean mind).

I gave up sitting again as despite my best efforts I could never get back to that experience, and stumbled into Advaita in the meantime. I began sitting again last June after reading some stuff about jhanas, but gave up after a few months of concentration practice. About that time I finally came across KFD and DHO and grudgingly began noting practice (now I'm a fan).

Soon after that I went through a bad patch, for me the worst was what I assume to be desire for deliverance, and during that period contacted Kenneth who made sure I was noting correctly. I was then out of that phase within a few days.

Not long afterwards, I had a brief experience of discontinuity that I am a bit curious about and wanted to mention. Hard to describe, but if you imagine whatever perception you have of yourself in space, it's like I rapidly flashed through several of those as if from very
different locations and angles, in the space of about a second. Very disorienting. Kind of like going from dark to a new slide on the slide projector every 1/4 second.

Anyway, I've kept it up and now typically sit twice a day for 30 minutes.

I have more desire to sit lately, as it is relatively easy at this stage, which I assume is equanimity.

A few weeks ago each sit would start with strobing light effects and lots of vibrations. At the time I just thought of this as some kind of nervous energy or something that needed to be dissipated, but as I learn more about the maps I think of this as some kind of revisiting the A&P. Generally speaking there was more to note during those sits, and occasionally I would get quite calm.

Now my sits seem to start off already in this calm state which I assume is equanimity. It is very peaceful and most things seem a bit in the distance. There are things to note, the usual tension in the forehead and lower back, various itches from time to time, the pressure of the seat, coolness and warmness, hearing, seeing whatever forms appear on the back of my eyelids.

After reading up, I try to note things like peace, relaxation, space, calmness. Today I experimented imagining infinite space. Also, there is a kind of investigation that I started doing where I try to watch as the awareness starts to become dull, and kind of "catch it" as it is changing to dullness. This is similar to the way I used to meditate, which I thought of as "surfing" consciousness, where I would be watching for changes, watching for when the mind starts to grasp, and then letting go.

I seem more aware now lately in ordinary life, during times when I would typically not be too aware.

Sat 85 minutes yesterday.

Spent some time doing concentration in the second sit, focusing on the breath at the anapana spot. One thing I notice is that I am not bored. A few weeks ago I would note bored, or note anticipation of the sit ending, or sleepiness, or whatever. Here I just seem to be able to go on and on, and not that much seems to be happening. There is a bit more going off into thought than a few weeks ago, but it doesn't seem to get very far or out of hand. It's like it doesn't have quite the power, like it's using a very small amount of processing power. It just gets noted as thinking and I continue as always.

The visual field seems relatively bright.

This morning I used a voice recorder and did some noting out loud for 40 minutes:

hearing, worry, relaxing, strobing/blinking, brightness, tension, pain, ache, release, throbbing, peace, twitch, warmth, coolness, breathing, anticipation, digestion, calmness, seeing, light, fear, vibration, deep breath, investigating/scanning, peaceful, spacious, diffuse tension, openness, stable, impatience, hunger

In equanimity, noting seems to need to be more delicate, quieter and gentle than in previous stages.

The visual field seems more diffuse other than occasional imagery.

The main areas of tension are forehead and lower back. I tend to investigate the forehead more, there the central forehead (and today the left frontal area for a while) along with some of the area around the upper nose and eyes are continually changing in tension, possibly pulsing. Vaguely similar around the lower back.

I find that I sometimes slow down to noting once per breath, which is actually kind of an interesting combination of noting and concentration and choiceless awareness.

At times I watch the body breath like I was watching an animal.

This and recent sits have been more aware, less sleepy or dull.

Hi Eric.
Just curious--did you find that using a recorder kind of upped the ante on the noting, almost as if an observer were sitting in the room with you? That seems like an interesting technique to try. Great report!
Joel

Hi Joel,

Using a recorder made me a little self conscious at first, kind of a performance anxiety kind of thing. I definitely found it harder this morning to get into equanimity. What I did was to note for a couple of minutes out loud, and after that I only vocalized new notes, which also made it easier for me to go over visually in a sound editor (as opposed to listening for 40 minutes).

My noting really began in earnest when I first contacted Kenneth. Knowing that we would be going over this stuff forced me to give noting a serious try, and I did a fair amount of noting out loud in the days before he and I talked. Since then, not so much out loud, I feel it gets in the way a bit, but maybe I just need to do it more. I'm not as sure it's as compatible with equanimity as other stages, but that's just me.

I've also been trying another gadget, that you reminded me of the other day. A long time ago I picked up this thing called a Motivaider, which is a little beeper-like device that vibrates on a time cycle you pick. I've been experimenting with a 3 minute setting, trying to stay a bit more aware during the day. It kind of depends on what I'm doing as to its effectiveness. Google tells me they're still around:
habitchange.com/

Ah, that is interesting, and you've got to love the name Motivaider!
I need a device that delivers a strong electric shock, given the depth of "autopilot mode" I lapse into half the time.
Maybe the Taser Corporation could launch a Developmental Enlightenment Division?

Sat 55 minutes yesterday.

This morning I sat for 40 minutes counting breaths as a change of pace.

This evening I sat for 40 minutes doing noting, pretty much the same notes as before, although this time I was inspired to note "quiet" several times. I spent a lot of time investigating the tension in my forehead, which seems to constantly change, although it never quite goes away. I followed the breath with rising and falling and liked it much better than the counting from this morning. Some noting of thoughts about how I would write this up. The most striking thing, which I alluded to before, is that I am much more aware throughout, and not bored. Typical lapses were imagery which I noted as seeing, or image, and I seem to be aware of these fairly quickly.

Sat 2 hours at the Zen center.

Started with lots of vibration and strobing. Had to note hearing and listening a lot because people were talking nearby, also smell as people filed in. These things bothered me, but in a distant way as I eventually became quite equanimous. Had to note a considerable amount of tension and ache around the left eye, it persisted for quite a while until it went away. Probably will stick more to sitting at home.

Sat 2 x 40 minutes

Same old. A couple of new notes I came up with today were open and quiet.

Found another useful post on equanimity at DHO:
bit.ly/i5sVQJ

Quoting:

Eventually, after quite a while, things settled down, the vibrations and tinglings smoothed out and became much more consonant rather than dissonant, and the roughness faded away. It now felt like I was washed up on shore, and the waves were still hitting me, but at least I had something solid under me. The intensity of this faded as well, and although it still didn't feel completely pleasant, I felt relief and calmness. I decided to try to see how far I could go with this phase of things, and hung out with the sensations. I tried to note for a while, but kept finding myself losing focus and following the content of thoughts. I'd note again, and then lose focus and eventually realize I was lost in thought. Nothing really changed much after that. I almost felt bored, and was having a hard time finding stuff to examine or note. Eventually I stopped meditating.

4th vipassana jhana/Equanimity, indeed!

Just keep going. Be sure to note everything I bolded. You will keep losing focus & keep coming back, note that, too. Note boredom and sense of pointlessness of meditating. About having a hard time finding stuff to examine or note - note anything subtle that you notice, e.g. awareness, calm, boredom, ease, relief, spaciousness, whatever subtle things you're seeing visually.. there's lots of sensations that make up all of those that you may be taking for granted.

Slogging on, sitting twice a day for about 40 minutes. Been a little sleepier this week with the time change.

Tried the noting aloud again, I do find it difficult to note once per second aloud. I find that in the stillness I'm experiencing, one note per breath, which for me is about every 6 seconds, seems to be fine. Out loud, or whispering, is okay while breathing out, but I find it way too interrupting to have to stop my inbreath to note. Today I experimented a bit with the old choiceless awareness type thing I used to do, seemed to be extra calming.

I'm guessing I have decent concentration, but I don't know. Objectively, I can often do a 20 minute sit of breath counting without missing the count.

20 minutes without missing a count sounds like great concentration, Eric. The noting aloud is difficult for sure. I just finished an hour-long session and it was tough, which is, I think, part of the point because you get a lot of note-worthy stuff coming up on the unpleasant side of things. I've found that if I don't make a formal, spoken-out-loud resolution to note once per second to the best of my ability for the entire hour, I'll end up in a drifty place where I'm doing different techniques throughout the session--noting aloud for a bit, and then doing samatha, and then going back to noting, etc.
Also, thanks for the DhO quote above. Very helpful...

I *feel* like I am relatively good at keeping on the noting. Could be a dangerous assumption, but I think I have the concentration to do it, or at least white-knuckle it out. I do veer off from time to time, but I seem to recognize it and get back to form fairly quickly. It's like I notice something is off, and I pay extra attention when I am feeling duller. I think it's a very pale version of the hot coal they talk about in Zen. Nirmala talks about how it's like you would be aware if you had a shirt on that was too tight. (Nirmala in "Nothing Personal," pretty much direct approach but bits of vipassana could be interpreted here and there. My favorite Advaita book.)

I more typically note silently, sometimes as little as once per breath, sometimes many times per second if the opportunity arises. Lately I seem to be amused by noting the same sense door quickly, one after the other, like hearing, hearing, hearing, but all will refer to different things that are roughly simultaneous at that sense door, like sound of gurgling water in my earphones, sound of the heat pump starting up, sound of a bird outside, sound of a plane outside, sound of the icemaker, sound of the house creaking, etc.

One new note I like is "monitoring." Kind of like investigating, scanning, etc., but somehow to me that word has more "presence" to it.

"Lately I seem to be amused by noting the same sense door quickly, one after the other, like hearing, hearing, hearing, but all will refer to different things that are roughly simultaneous at that sense door, like sound of gurgling water in my earphones, sound of the heat pump starting up, sound of a bird outside, sound of a plane outside, sound of the icemaker, sound of the house creaking, etc."

I know what you mean. I've been doing this with sounds as well, and also sights. Even with the eyes closed there's "blackness," "reddish pixels," "blueish pixels," "darkening, darkening," etc. What seems to be eluding me most is the once-per-second change of mind states. I seem to be noticing more of those, gradually. I couldn't catch hardly any of them in the beginning.

I've done two 45 minute sits today, both of which I noted aloud throughout. Usually I start noting out loud then go silent when it becomes agitating, but setting the clear intention to note out loud once per second seemed to do the trick. I notice I get involved in thought less then noting silently, thoughts and playing out situations still arise but the sound of my voice seems to bring me out of it quickly. Desires also seem to have less pull, in my last sit there was a lot of desire to get up and go, check the mail and get my package I heard arrive but I was able to just note desire and let it float by.

I seem to be able to keep up with the rapid mood changes more when I am doing detailed noting: itch unpleasant agitation. When I note in that more detailed fashion I feel I need to be more aware of not just the sensation but my reaction to it which keeps me more in the moment. Usually when just noting basic sensations its all to easy to get focused on that level and lose awareness of feelings.

Sat 2 x 40 min. Started noting out loud for a few minutes. I did lose concentration several times during the sit. Unless the object is some kind of clear pain, I think I may need to institute a "3 on a match" kind of rule for noting. I find that if I keep repeating the same note it seems to lead to dullness. I think the detailed noting helps with that (thanks johnnyz) in reducing monotony. Noted "presence." Also began noting colors, predominately red and blue (thanks Joel), and also "nebula" for certain visual phenomena.

Second sit I decided to test myself with the counting breaths thing (1-10, 1 on inhale, 1 on exhale, etc.). I paid close attention, and in 40 minutes, on 5 occasions I began to mentally think of 11 while I was correctly counting on 10, but was correctly on 1 when it came time for 1. On 2 occasions I actually began to count 2 on the outbreath of 1, a bigger lapse, but corrected myself instantly. That was a long 40 minutes.

Not sure if my breath counting thing was too egoistic. To me it's a bit of a gimmick, a much easier task than noting.

The past week my sits have not been as good, drifting a bit more here and there. Also lots of itching, which would kind of seem like 1st nana. Maybe it's the pollen. Anyway, this evening I tried in a way to bring some of that breath counting concentration to my noting, and it seemed to help. I more or less resolved to maintain continuous awareness, and I often used that "presence" note to fill in gaps and remind me to stay present. Something along the lines of being aware of the awareness.

Did my usual 40 minute sit this morning.

As I mentioned in my last post, my sits have not been as good, lots of sleepiness lately. The other day I cut one of my sits short because I was continuously yawning and occasionally starting to actually fall asleep. So getting my sleep culture down is seems to be very important.

Slept maybe slightly better last night, and I decided to do some more detailed noting today. (Been catching up on my Hamilton Project reading):
thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/02/...detailed-noting.html

I guess I did it somewhat in my own way, but I ended up taking basic notes like "hearing" and would make that more detailed, like "hearing airplane" or even "hearing jet airplane approaching." Rising and falling became rising belly, falling belly. Itching became itching left ankle. Tension became feeling forehead tension. If I began to think or have images, I would do a detailed note like imagining woman in green room.

And that seemed to work pretty well. I seemed to be more continuously aware, and the sit passed fairly quickly. I'm a little concerned that there was too much thinking in terms of what the note needed to be, particularly when thought streams arose. I would occasionally note worry about that, or even imagining forum posting. Heh.

Occasionally it got a bit confusing (and I noted confusion) as I was noting all these detailed sense doors and would kind of get to a point where I would notice something, but for a microsecond I'd be thinking, "okay, there's something here, but which sense is this again? - where am I?"

I do still have my doubts sometimes about the maps, I kind of wonder how much projection goes on in these discussions. But I have to admit that most of the time I begin to sit, it's like my eyes need to blink or something, i.e. there is this strobing and vibration (4th nana). I can't quite recall if that used to happen prior to my meditative life. And then after some minutes, I get to a very peaceful place where it becomes difficult to disturb that peace. And I am fairly certain that I didn't use to get occasional flashes of light while going to sleep that feel like someone came in the room and turned on the light. Also little bubbles of light along the lower lids at any time.

I was thinking that what I wrote in my last post, noting "okay, there's something here, but which sense is this again?" could relate to high equanimity, as I stumbled across a quote from MCTB:
"Phenomena may even begin to lose the sense that they are of a particular sense door"

I've only done two of these more detailed noting sessions, but I like them so far. I was partially motivated to up the ante after reading Hamilton's "Saints and Psychopaths" (available on the web) where he describes "One of my friends, who had done many years of intensive vipassana meditation, never mentioned to her teachers that she was also doing a mantra along with the regular practice. As soon as she stopped doing the mantra she began to make progress." Also very keen on the idea that any time spent spacing out is time wasted.

I felt I had relatively little time spacing out, but now I feel there is almost none (there's nowhere for it to be, as I am internally noting at a rate of about 4 words per second). It does require a higher degree of momentary concentration than I had been using. Let's see if I can keep it up.

I have tried to keep up the more detailed noting, but lately I seem to be going more into visual phenomenon, somehow that seems to be the natural resting place of sorts while deeply relaxed. And I find it difficult to note. Occasionally there are specific notable little nebula or colored cotton ball images, these fade quickly and then something else appears. There is also just general brightness that I can note, but a lot of times it is more like the background radiation of the universe - it is just a big random pattern, difficult to note (help!). Somewhat easier to begin drifting away. I began trying the "I wonder what my next thought will be" thing, but I'm not sure what I am doing really.

The visual area is a bit strange in that there are a number of modes for me, one is just looking through the eyelids, which can occasionally get focused on phenomena, as well as just looking through. Also there is a mode where you "let go" of the eyes, and it's kind of like you don't pay so much attention to that input.

40 minutes noting out loud the whole time, recorded it, mostly unique notes below:

hearing, feeling pressure, hearing, feeling itch bridge of nose, falling belly, swallowing, rising belly, tension in forehead, pressure and tension on back, searching, clearing throat, moving my feet, relaxing, feeling forehead tension, feeling low back pressure, thinking, itching on right forehead, slight itching, itching left ankle, feeling touch of clothes on thighs, loosening lower back, fear about sound, hearing rumbling, observing, waiting, feeling hand on hand, feeling itch at right upper lip, feeling lower back tension, feeling hand on hand, twitch in back, adjusting forward, brightness, resting in space, hearing myself talk, monitoring, searching, hunting, investigating, forehead itch, vibration, pressure on low back, pressure on seat, pressure on feet, talking, upper back tension, hearing voice, coldness in the feet, vibration in the feet, itching in right ear, relaxing the brow, feeling slight brow tension, feeling belly, feeling thumb against thumb, feeling lower arms against thighs, feeling tension in the belly, feeling tingling, pulsing, some impatience, wondering, getting a little spacier, a little more distant, attention drawn to eyes and brow, feeling wave of tension in brow, seeing blankness, dark spots, feeling itch on chin, looking blankly, seeing the "artwork,"

cont'd

(cont'd)
slight headache, changing tension, little spacey and distant, foggy, hearing doubling of sound, hearing roaring, hearing myself speak, feeling lower back throbbing, feeling itching both ears, gasping, tension in belly, tired, wanting to do something else, little bored, forehead tension changing, thinking about doing this out loud the whole time, thinking of the ends of things like the sounds, feeling pulsing and tingling in the feet, flowing into the lower legs, hearing plane, thinking about reporting about this, hearing breathing, feeling breathing, thinking about how repetitive this is, some desire to quit, hearing plane passing, started drifting away, deep breath, wondering when this will be over, very relaxed, tranquil, worried about getting too drowsy, quiet, spacious, seeing fine and detailed dots, trying to see detail in visual field, many small dots coming and going, wondering about endings of things, wondering how much time has past, feeling warmth, seeing blue, hunger, right shoulder tension, getting tired of this, wondering what this is doing for me, seeing red, intense blue, fading, moving, brighter red, pink, more neutral, single point bright, thinking about reporting this, diffuse blue, switching, burping, feeling hair on head, feeling hoodie on neck, thinking about a dog

So that's my current noting style. Good to see Joel (and the non KFD folks) at the half day sit yesterday.

Fantastic details, Eric. I love "hearing myself talk." A lot of different mind states in there as well that are normally very easy to get hooked on. I like the recording technique. Great report! It was good to see you yesterday as well. I enjoyed geeking out with a KFD'er in analog rather than converted 1s and 0s.

Thanks, Joel. I like hearing the breathing myself, like listening to a sleeping dog.

I'm kind of getting back into it after a couple of weekends ago when I skipped 2 days - I know, the horror, the horror . Coming back off that I was only doing one 40 minute sit a day, and yesterday I finally had the urge to do 2 sits. Yesterday evening I probably hit my cutting edge, which again seems to be some kind of equanimity.

At this cutting edge things seem to shift more towards visual phenomenon and there seems to be very little to note verbally, although the visual field is relatively complex. This morning I noticed that there is a difference between looking Through the phenomenon and looking At the phenomenon. Also noticed a visual pulsing that seems to be different than the strobing that comes on when I first sit down. The initial strobing is quite fast and there is a tendency to want to blink. This pulsing in high-er equanimity is a little slower, but I believe it was faster than my heartbeat.

My noting out loud a couple of days ago indeed showed itself to be the least embedded style, although in my limited sample I would say I don't seem to get to quite as high in equanimity. I find if I am well rested, etc., I can closely approach the out loud noting, but if not, all bets are off. Felt that I had to cut short one morning meditation this week when I just couldn't stop yawning.

At any rate I'm trying to keep it up, discover the best way to stay present and aware at my cutting edge, and work up to some long sessions.

Just keepin' on keepin' on, 2 x 40 minutes per day.

It seems like every time I get comfortable with my practice, it changes. The "firepower" of detailed noting has seemed to wear off, and I began doing triplets. Have not done much noting of feeling tone, so that is definitely using up some extra processing power.

As usual, sits start with a brief period of strobing/blinking and progress towards relaxation.

This morning I did my usual 40 minute sit, then did a very brief walking meditation to limber up, and then immediately continued with another 40 minutes. Felt more clarity in the second sit. I figure the 80 minute "massed" practice may be better than the 2 separate sits. And I can always sit again later in the day

The continual forehead tension is not so continuous anymore, in fact at times it seems to entirely disappear, which is a very new and different phenomenon.

Practicing guitar quite a bit lately, and I have hearing thoughts that recall the stuff I'm working on. I notice these music-memory thoughts are very easy to identify as thoughts and detach, as opposed to the more "random" visual dreamlike thoughts.