Eric_G's Practice Journal

Continuing to experience blips, maybe a couple a day. Before last week they seemed kind of rare. Noticed a quote from Jackson in Clayton's journal which seemed appropriate:

"I remember when first path review fruitions became "old hat" (as old jazz musicians say). It's a good sign. It means that your mind is priming itself for the next go 'round."

I think I've set my life up in a way that currently avoids a lot of conflict, but something came up recently, so I've had some extra practice with a few notes like anger and annoyance. Interesting over a period of a few days to let the situation play out and see how little of it was real and how much was due to my own beliefs.

I just came back from our Wednesday night group. While the other folks were laughing and socializing amicably with each other, I was locked in an extremely unpleasant and difficult pissing match with another member of the group. This guy has attacked me and the co-founder of the group for months, accusing us of mismanaging the thing and of being inept. What was the dispute over tonight, putatively? An order of meditation cushions for the group. LMAO!
We have between 20 and 30 people showing up every week, but this guy thinks we're a couple of idiots who are mismanaging the group, even though the other group he had been involved with dissolved amid terrible infighting. Man, this stuff is as absurd and ridiculous as it is gut-wrenching.
As I stood there talking with this person, I stayed really present. I looked him in the eye and didn't take any ****. I responded calmly, said what I believed, and avoided letting crescendos of anger take me into mean territory. There was an ache as I expressed to him the pain he had caused me and also acknowledged the things about him I respect. In the end, plunging into this conflict was an awesome experience.
Of course, I still want this person to disappear. I want him gone. Unfortunately, we're both committed to sticking around and being a part of the group, which means that we will both continue to have to deal with conflict, anger, irritation and so forth.
So the whole Three Jewels thing makes a lot of sense to me, in the end. Sangha as a practice.
Talk about difficult **** to deal with! How much of it was real? GREAT QUESTION!!!

That stuff happens to me at the office all the time. It's great practice and still frustrating.

And then there's the aftermath: the George Costanza-like tendency to imagine all of these zingers that you could have brilliantly wielded against the person. Gotta let it go...

So, tentatively, something seems to be changing for the moment anyway.

I keep a super brief meditation log, mainly to just see that I do it everyday, but for the past four days the comment has been "peace" as opposed to something like "drifty" or "distracted." In the honeymoon period after 1st path I had access to some formless jhanas and it was a little disappointing to see them go as I went into review. But I seem to be going back into that direction a little bit lately: still, dark, tranquil, relaxed. I spent a fair amount of time just steeping in that.

I can note this tranquility as impermanent, or no-self, but it's a little difficult to directly note it as suffering. I have to kind of say to myself, it is impermanent, therefore there is a lack. Any other thoughts on how to see this?

Also found it easy to ignore the body. I'd be steeping in the tranquility (might be 6th, but it's not strong enough for me to tell yet, maybe just 4th, although it's pretty dark and non-body-ish) and realize that I was kind of detached from the body a bit and almost being surprised to find, oh yeah, there's tension and stuff I can still note. Kind of like I was overlooking it. Focused elsewhere.

Hmm. Skipped or cut a few sits short in the past few weeks, after about 2 months of good practice. Decided I needed to gut out a full hour today, particularly with a couple of retreat days coming up.

Started very peaceful, 4th nana strobing, then darkness, then equanimity. I guess. But pretty drifty. Some good practice in there, very engaged and aware and continuous, but then drifting away again. Tried many techniques, whack a mole, etc. Checked the time after an eternity and I think I was at 35 minutes. Very difficult to finish it out. Didn't really notice any cycling, maybe I will see something more on a half or full day. It was so hard to f-ing finish the sit that Desire for Deliverance comes to mind.

I feel that there are some other things in my life that could affect this, but given the way I've been feeling over the past week, Dark Night would be plausible as I've been very uncomfortable.

On the one hand I feel like I've been coming down with something and have been overstressed lately (i.e. plausible physical causes), but ...

Sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, annoyance, disgust, misery, tension, that kind of thing, seems to point toward a self diagnosis of Dark Night. But also lots and lots of seeing, brightness, in fact maybe my biggest non-aided light show so far, and strange internal spaces, I'm thinking chaos would sometimes have been a good note, or lost. I guess you can cycle thru 4n/2J while overall being in Dark Night maybe. Sit was much easier today than yesterday, though.

Driving around today I found myself visualizing an old bottle of anti-depressants that I know is in the back of the cupboard from about 10 years ago. Wanting relief. Reminds me of a lot of the feelings I had when I was depressed, and also lots of childhood and adolescence. Thought I was done with that stuff. Long sit scheduled for tomorrow.

Half day sit yesterday with the 3 person Atlanta KFD crew and some 20 other meditators. Not sure I can phenomenologically describe it, my memory of it is fading already, but it was all over the map. My assumption is that I was working up to Re-observation since it seemed like a sampling of the whole path, with plenty of dukkha.

Today's sit went fairly well, it seemed like I was cycling, which from my perspective just means sometimes there is a lot of light, sometimes not very much. Felt like I was getting up in equanimity when it was more peaceful and panoramic. After the meditation, though, I found myself quite often in a lot of the stuff I associate with dukkha. Just kind of angsty and bitchy and depressed. My current observation is that meditation seems to take me out of that. Also noticed that it seems extra sucky when I haven't eaten in a while, and yet usually I'm fine in that situation.

A period of great suck.

Night before last was awoken by fear/panic (life or death scenario in a dream).

Sit today was difficult, really horrible, sadness, tension, just generally un-freaking-satisfactory, mapping thoughts. All that depressed kind of stuff. Nasty, but was surprised to pull it out for the win into equanimity near the end, back to spacious and open and peaceful, although it still seemed to have the background of suck.

Have noticed in the past week that being around people and interacting seems to distract or help the situation.

Also while riding thru the cycle and passing thru dissolution I was thinking that the peace I felt in post 105 was probably in the realm of dissolution. LIke the hour hand was in dissolution.

The end of yesterday's sit was a big "whew!" and the transition to equanimity felt very solid and "locked in". The rest of the day just felt great, at least in comparison to what came before. Sat briefly last night just to make sure I maintained that cutting edge.

This morning I cut the sit short because I was so distracted by feelings of joy. Distracted, joy, relief, "posting" thoughts. The wicked witch is dead and my mind is doing a snoopy dance. Seems *much* longer, but I think that was a week, maybe two weeks of Dark NIght, and it was much worse than on first path.

I suppose I need to see it all with detachment, the good and the bad, but for now this is really nice.

Cool!

Sat about 2.5 hours yesterday with a Zen group. Occasional notes all over the place, but predominately relaxed, spacious notes. Did not notice any cycling, rather I seemed to be becoming more absorbed in 4th jhana with every sit. Sounds like a logical progression, but kind of new to me. Walking meditation seems more useful to me, I noticed that at the half day sit last week.

I seem to have a better feel for how to incline the mind. It seems more about inclining toward that feel as opposed to the dogmatic noting I began with almost 2 years ago.

Mostly the same, seem to be in equanimity prior to 2nd path. Desire to sit has been less in general.

A rare early sit, a bit motivated by the virtual sangha yesterday. A few seconds and strobing begins, I watch it and try to detect any changes or unnoticed characteristics. Definitely impermanent. Have been trying to pay more attention to transitions, today the move to dissolution/3vj felt like I slid into it, it also felt larger than the 2vj space, and I noticed the surface of my skin more than usual. Not too sure of the transition towards 4vj, but at some point it feels more spacious. Takes maybe 3 minutes to get to this point.

The characteristic of 5th jhana seems to come in lightly, and I spend my time noting from this 4vj/light 5th area. I see the impermanence of the spaciousness more as a concept, understanding that it comes and goes over a period of minutes, rather than moment to moment.

Definite recollections of the post SE honeymoon when I had access to the formless jhanas. It is currently much lighter than that, but I recognize the dark, peaceful, delicate qualities coming back as I did several weeks ago.

I note tension in the brow and lower back, unpleasant, aversion, and the 3 characteristics. Fairly good continuity as opposed to the past few sits. Mostly interrupted by mapping thoughts, posting thoughts. I seem to have good recall today.

Off the cushion, I seem to get insights from time to time. On those occasions it sometimes feels like the self is flaking off like dandruff.

Similar, seem to still be in equanimity. But I've been noting more sadness and disappointment, kind of dark night-ish, but it definitely seems within equanimity. Calm, space, tension are common notes, mainly tension in the brow chakra, and the base of the nose, rarely the eyes. Easier to become distracted. If I'm trying out the whole sub-nana thing, I'd have to call the path-nana-subnana as something like 1.11.7.

It reminds me a bit of a few months ago when I felt like there was a cap on the amount of joy I could feel. I think that may have been in review. A couple of weird events here and there, cessations of some kind or near misses, but I don't notice any jumps to 4th nana or cycling. So same old same old with a touch more sadness.

For the moment seemed to have broken thru again to a more stable equanimity, so maybe 1.11.11.

VERY calm today, easier to concentrate and still the mind, not so distracted. Formless-y calm, possible light 5th & 6th VJ. Noted the greed for this type of tranquility, and its impermanence. Feel like the cap on the joy is off today. Felt like I peeled off a layer of deep psychological stuff yesterday.

About 45 minutes in I noticed a bit of bliss, some A&P stuff (slow frequency lights), then moved to dissolution, dark and calm with a very strong sense of my skin surface. First hint of any cycling that I've noticed in a while. Not feeling like it was path.

Noticing some similarities between getting lost in thought and concentration, if that makes any sense.

I was in line at Subway today, and was looking out the window while waiting, just kind of got concentrated a bit, and to get my attention the guy behind the counter said, "I just want to be where you're at" or something like that. Which was kind of funny on several levels. So I was legitimately spacing out to a degree and not being entirely present, but then again I was noticing how similar that semi-concentrated, mildly embedded state was to what I think of as jhana.

I do seem to have the ability to become very absorbed, like when I do the crossword puzzle sometimes at lunch. Some waiters have very innocently startled the crap out of me.

Just kind of checking in, this one will be more chatty.

Seem to be working my way up to a higher equanimity after 9 days at the beach where I meditated maybe not so much, although there was an awful lot of natural 2nd gear practice and a lot of spontaneous noting of seeing, pleasant. And man, the spaciousness! Seemed to take about a week of regular practice to feel like I'm back to about where I was.

Wanted to share that this was my first vacation in about 2 years, and the contrast to me in terms of my state of mind from 2 years ago was noticeable. It was easy to compare because it was basically the same place and same group of people as before. Whether psychological or meditative, I realized that being around a group of people like that (normally more reclusive) I was much less psychologically vulnerable, things just seemed to roll off very easily, and my mind was so much more free. Very nice. I kind of look back at that guy a couple of years ago as trapped in his mind, always running after some thought or another.

Currently a bit of doubt about hitting 2nd path. Wondering if I just stumbled into 1st. Worried that it took me a year and a half to hit stream entry, wondering if I'm in for a long wait. Despite the fact that I had all those fruitions during review. Seems like it would be a piece of cake based on that.

Hit me, fruition. Or as I imagine it, let go, processes. Take a rest already.

"Worried that it took me a year and a half to hit stream entry, wondering if I'm in for a long wait." -Eric G.

Had to smile at this one, as it took me 10 years from my first A&P in 1982 till I hit Stream Entry in 1992. Expectations are high around here with so many gifted yogis sharing their experiences, but it's good to remember something the Buddha said: "My practice is good in the beginning, in the middle, and in the end." With that kind of perspective, we can enjoy the fruits of the practice at every step along the way.

Also good to reflect on how far you've come, the way you did here: "I kind of look back at that guy a couple of years ago as trapped in his mind, always running after some thought or another." -Eric G.

Nice.

""Worried that it took me a year and a half to hit stream entry, wondering if I'm in for a long wait." -Eric G.
"

Realistic expectations would be good. So let me clarify a bit, that was 1.5 years *after* learning the once per second noting style, which to me was the turning point. It is also probably significant that the noting style is the only one I managed to really stick with and develop a long term daily practice with.

My A&P was about 4.5 years prior to that point, and that was preceded by about 25 years of mostly armchair reading, several shelves of books about the mushroom culture, with a few hundred hours of contemplative practice scattered here and there.

One more point of comparison in terms of now vs. 2 years ago: I read Daniel's MCTB right away, when I basically knew nothing of hardcore dharma. I've been re-reading it over the past couple of months, and I'm getting much more out of it this time.

Typical recent sit over the past few months
35 min

Today
65 min

Key word lately is "drifty." I seem to rise up to equanimity fairly easy. This morning there was almost no 4th nana stuff, seemed to immediately go to 3rd vj area, that was new. A bit unclear where that ends and equanimity/4th vj begins, but at some point it does.

A couple of months ago the meditations were a bit more jhana-ish, like I was a bit more absorbed and collected and some formless characteristics would show up lightly. Now somewhat less absorbed, maybe more focused on the vipassana aspects? I have noticed these aspects do seem to come and go from time to time. I don't spend any time on samatha.

Struggling a bit with this driftiness. Kind of continually re-dedicating myself with every cue possible, efforting. Sometimes I feel as if the letting go/drifting is good, as long as I'm relaxed and calm and not embedded in something nasty. And sometimes I feel like some old Zen master would be tanning my hide with the kyosaku. Ha! You focus now, you lazy American!

A lot of thoughts where I'm kind of teaching myself how to do this stuff. Self coaching thoughts.

Doing a bit more out loud noting, ten minutes here, ten minutes there, to combat the driftiness. Seems to work depressingly well, but somehow I feel the need to master it without doing it all the time.

Sometimes I go into a kind of 2nd gear thing when I watch TV. It's usually just for a few minutes here and there, but the other night I had pretty good continuity for a couple hours. Realistically, probably not as continuous as I remember, but I feel that TV practice has great potential. Fair amount of time there just waiting to be aware.

Saw a matinee of "Looper" today. Good film, very interesting and creative.

Coming out of the theater, I felt kind of dazed in a way, but good, and as I began to walk to the car, I recognized that I was concentrated, so to speak, and non-verbal. Very familiar feeling for me, walking out of movies, but I think this was the first time I was recognizing that this was a kind of equanimity/4th jhana kind of space. Still searching for the right words. Concentrated doesn't really say it, I think it was Jayson that pointed out to me there is so much of a letting go of that which is not being focused on. Absorbed, collected, thoughts dropped.

It was not until I was an exit down the expressway and a car was starting to merge into my lane that thoughts arose and I noted danger, territoriality, etc. And then back to the absorption.

Ended up doing
100 min yesterday

35 min today so far

Continuing to have more problems with thoughts coming up than in quite a while. It used to be easier, at least that's my recollection. Using more out loud noting to compensate.

One interesting thing today is that I was thinking of my cousin, who had expressed an interest in what I was doing in meditation, and I guess it had gotten to the level of a full blown fantasy in a second or two, and somehow I noted what I was doing in that fantasy moment as "describing" because that's what I was doing in my imagination, verbally (describing something to my cousin). I recall something in the Mahasi instructions about that kind of thing, kind of note within the fantasy. Usually I would note imagining or thinking or whatever. And something about that really clicked, it was more direct, or to the point or something, or woke me up, and then I was able to pull back a bit, seeing it from a bit more distance, and I began to note it more generally as "helping." And then the verbal part stopped and I only had images and feelings of it, and then it went away.

Also had a stretch where it was so bad I just used "imagining" as a mantra. Not sure that's the best way to play it, but there you go. The mantra was "correct" most of the time

100 min yesterday

35 min samatha
25 min 2nd gear
today so far

Samatha was first time in a long time, and it took quite a while to really get back into it. Intended to switch to noting, but as I did, the mind resisted even the verbal notes, and since I wasn't getting too embedded, I just kind of hung out in 2nd gear. Very soft, cushioned, comfortable mind, seemed very much pointed towards the non-verbal, nondual. Felt almost a little too soft, a little dazed.

~100 min yesterday

56 min so far today

A blip and mild bliss wave but then straight back to equanimity. 1st path fruition again? Pushing slightly the past week or so, with a half day sit this Sunday.in mind. Hard to sleep lately.