Eric_G's Practice Journal

I am feeling pretty good, though, much better than the previous week and a half. And it is such a nice day outside.

Re: eyes open, when I tried it at first I stared intently at one spot, and then had all sorts of weird visual effects as my eyes got tired and dry. My teacher reminded me to not stare hard, just let the eyes rest in the general vague area in front of me, let them move around naturally as they might want to, blink normally etc. Then it was just sitting with eyes open, not sitting there staring, and that made it much more normal.

Thanks, I should try the eyes open thing some more.

As to the unsatisfactoriness being gone, after feeling into it I think it's more accurate to say it's just dialed way down. Probably always there at some level.

Tried unsuccessfully to nap a couple of times. Seems like there was some kind of blip like thing that would happen about the time I would lie down, get comfortable and first let go and relax.

65 min pm

Pretty typical sit. Similar to this morning, easier to note, not so absorbed. I'm getting more used to doing out loud (whisper) noting when necessary, I don't have quite my old resistance to it, it seems like a good tool. One brief odd flash of light in the upper left. Still doing some work with thinking/not thinking.

Going to sleep I watched carefully and noticed that right about the time I would lie down I would get a couple of visual shifts that appeared almost as blinks or mild flashes or blips, but it just seemed to be the entire visual field shifting and drawing the edge over the field, which has contrast and produces the sensation. I think that is what I was seeing in the naps yesterday.

65 min am

Again, not really absorbed so much. Occasionally I would note a formless quality like spaciousness or darkness, but generally was focused on seeing-hearing-feeling-thinking. I'm kind of trying to avoid getting quite so absorbed, actually A fair amount of emotion, sadness, disappointment. Lot's of not-thinking, but it's hard to stay on top of the thoughts sometimes. A bit of eyes open, that seems pretty doable now.

65 min pm last night
95 min pm today

Started to feel lighter and happier during last night's sit. The past week and a half has been a roller coaster. Clearer. Some joy here and there. I feel fairly normal and good for the moment.

Today, same thing. Very clear, easy to sit. Towards the end doing some thinking/not thinking, I would notice little mostly visual vignettes. When I trip, typically one of the first visual things I notice is little scenes acted out or mimed, images of people acting out my thoughts or feelings. It was like that. Little proto thoughts or feelings, and if I was a little lax with my mindfulness, they would often spin out into more of a full daydream.

Halloween note: I was amazed that virtually no one got my "monk" costume, with orange sheets as my saffron robes, along with meditation beads and my Mahasi t-shirt.

~240 min today (retreat)

Kind of back to feeling "weird" today. I guess the roller coaster simply continues. Started well but became difficult. Kind of drifting at times, and yet not completely (in terms of embeddedness). Did a lot of thinking/not thinking, sometimes that chases thoughts away for long stretches, and then the next thing you know ... oops. Kind of here and now, but maybe not entirely at times. In between-ish.

I seem to be in a zone where I just can't bank on anything being stable. It does feel like the mind isn't quite so enamored with those higher jhanas I stumbled into last week. That was like a little fling where it was just so attracted for a couple of days.

Planning to cut back a bit. This is like psychedelics.

Cut out my miniscule morning dose of caffeine and piracetam. Wanting to go au naturale.

60 min

I was looking for something different today, a bit of a meditation vacation, kind of went towards open awareness, metta, and within minutes began to use the note "love" for anything that came up. So, hearing - nope, love. thinking - nope, love. Etc. Years ago I would have thought of this as, well, too corny or something. But this was pretty good, very accepting. Kind of pointing towards metta and essence styles. So instead of a dit, or a this, love.

A friend had a free ticket to an arena show last night. Probably 10 years since I went to something like that. In the arena I did some kasina stuff on a few objects while waiting for my friend at various points before the show. During the show I began to notice that my focus and the large space was attracting me into 5th jhana, and in conjunction with the Roger Daltrey kasina, it was quite effective, becoming absorbed numerous times. Probably the first time I really went decently hard into that without an eyes closed meditation.

today
15 min softball kasina
15 min breath meditation

Basically doing 35 min of formal practice a day now.

Sleep has greatly improved from the 130 min a day practice. No ambien in many days.

I seem to be lightly in the 4-5-6 area when I sit, and there is very little run up to that. On some days there might be a second or two of strobing and pulsing, but it seems to go quickly to dark and calm, and on some days I just go there instantly, no runup at all, just boom, dark and calm. Not sure how I would notice cycling if I'm not spending time outside of that area. Although if the formless stuff is revoked again, I guess I would notice that.

Did some inquiry type "what is feeling (seeing, hearing, thinking)" and also spent some time feeling into how I was relating to um, whatever, my consciousness. Making sure I was being gentle with myself, for example. I try to investigate feelings, and break them down into sensations. But I'm not investigating the jhana aspects much, I don't particularly want to become super absorbed. But maybe I should.

I mentioned before a certain roller coaster aspect to my experience lately. It may just be that I am more sensitive now to deviations from the norm. If nothing else, it is slightly harder now to overeat. Slightly. I had felt much more stable before, and relatively grounded, well-adjusted. Now I feel a bit moodier, more unstable.

Practice ramping up again, desire seems to be there. 60-90 minutes a day.

Teeth cleaning today, noted continuously as usual, towards the end went a bit into 5th jhana here and there. Nice. However I had to keep my eyes closed and the absorption seemed to make me a bit less responsive to the hygienist.

Sitting about 65 minutes a day.

I wanted to mention that the roller coaster of emotions I was going thru (apparently a high dose substance induced dark night), seems to be over. For a couple of weeks back there I was dipping into nasty depressive stuff and ancient psychological issues. It seemed like all experience was painted with a strong unsatisfactory quality that I was unsure I would ever get thru. Many evenings I was tempted to have a bit of cannabis and or alcohol but for some reason this time around I just sat with the feelings.

I have been "stable" for about a week or so, feeling more normal now and increasingly tranquil, probably more than ever before. Sits seem increasingly drawn to the 8th jhana and it is very easy to sit. I note from this area but it is a bit strange, as if noting thru molasses or something. Sometimes seems best to stick with the basic notes of seeing, hearing, feeling, at times simply cycling thru those kind of as a reminder to stay present. At times I may drift into thought or more likely a visual imagination, but these do not seem to cause suffering like they might ordinarily.

Also noting the effort and intention to stay continuously present and aware. I also found that using the note "something" was useful, as it is kind of vague, but found the note "this" somehow felt too specific. Ha. I try to stay near the "root" of thoughts, but they have a devilish way of escaping my attention until they are past obvious. Trying to watch the more subtle movements.

I seem to see some of the other jhanic aspects here, but they are muted. Spacious, yes, but at the same time maybe not. Witness, yes, but muted. Nothingness, kind of, but just not that specific.

Very peaceful, comfortable, a nice vacation.

Okay, this is going to be super vague.

Typical sit 30-65 minutes a day. A moderate amount of off cushion practice.
Again, typically drawn to 8th jhana lately, and I'm starting to get used to it. This area seems to be getting somewhat less molasses like, and I'm sitting in kind of a 3rd gear kind of thing quite often, occasionally downshifting as needed. Lots of "not-thinking" when I do that noting. I could see the Gary Weber thing happening if I keep this up for 25 years.

There is a kind of an increased clarity within the 8th jhana, and the tranquility seems to come into my day to day life a little bit. Seems to be a certain distance or detachment, and yet those are not quite the right words as those sound cut off, but something like that. Maybe just calmer or a slightly different point of view. I was reading Antero's log and liked the pointer that was something like, "where do you go or how do you get beyond or let go of the unsatisfactoriness that remains in 3rd gear."

Anyway, about 45 minutes into today's sit there was a shift that felt like going into a jhana. It felt more clear than 8th, and it felt good, and it was as if there was a slight amount of light from above, as if there was a window high above in a darkened cathedral. That's about all I can say at this point until I get more data. Could this be PL1? It didn't seem familiar.

You will know PL1 when you get there. At least in my experience. It is very pleasurable, almost too much at first. I know it's hard to describe 8th jhana, but can you describe what you experience? I can't really note in it like you are talking about it and it it very 'wobbly' to me.

8th jhana to me is kind of non-conceptual, or beyond concepts. Beyond 7th, right? 5-6-7 have distinct concepts, and 8 seems "beyond" that, like you have let go of those, almost like you are "behind" those. The formless areas in general seem dark to me, although when I think of 8th that becomes less certain. Certainly very tranquil. I can do some noting in there, but I'm not exactly at the Ajahn Brahm level of absorption. I have noticed that if there is any rumination going on, 8th kills it. I do not have a lot of experience of 7th, my mind usually seems to go right past that one.

In terms of more fodder for mapping, I've been having tons of discontinuities and blip-like things for I guess months, but I have been thinking of them as near misses or debunking them in some way, as I'm not recognizing review. There are a couple of possibly significant chemically enhanced confounds as well, with the notable "night of 8 nirodha-like cessations" 4 months ago back on August 11, which I did not post about, and the recent revisit of the dark night starting with a high dose experiment about 6 weeks back. Kids, do not do high doses.

A couple of nights ago I had a blip while watching TV. That's the first time I was aware of that happening with my eyes open.

So these blips or discontinuities, they are definitely visual at minimum, short little blackouts. I've been trying to pay more attention and they seem to happen near the end of the outbreath or maybe at the pause. Seems like one of the first things I notice afterward is the inbreath beginning.

They don't generally seem to happen when I am paying super close attention, they seem to require that I "let go" a bit more than that, kind of like they are happening from 3rd gear. Although back in post 90 (page 5) I was doing something like 1st gear practice. But my sense is I need to be pretty "let go," pretty detached, because if I'm looking too closely or expecting it, they don't seem to happen.

Among the formless jhanas, I seem to be particularly attracted to 5th and 8th. 5th holds a special place for me, something about that big space, it is SO big sometimes. And the images are often very small, as if at a great distance. It struck me the other day that the awareness of space seems reminiscent of say, the awareness of others, which is a pretty crucial piece of social development.

Another thing that seems notable to me lately is an ongoing "remembering" to practice off the cushion, typically an awareness of awareness or 2nd/3rd gear type practice. These moments of returning to practice in daily life are probably happening a couple hundred times a day now. I suppose I can get distracted by something for a half hour or more every now and then, but typically this "return" is happening every few minutes, and it's happening in conversations more often, which is kind of new and I guess is my cutting edge for that.

Also, not quite sure if this relates, it seems part cognitive, part psychological, part meditative, but in general a lot of things that used to appeal to me don't have quite the same power. Harder to get "excited" about stuff, harder maybe to "believe" that certain things have meaning or will pay off in terms of the way I used to think. I've always had certain tendencies along these lines, but this is currently very strong. Just kind of hanging out, maybe a bit detached.

"These moments of returning to practice in daily life are probably happening a couple hundred times a day now."

Posting that has made me more conscious of practicing thru the day. Web surfing and guitar improvising seem to be a couple of the worst ones for that, I can get pretty absorbed.

Sitting 35-65 minutes a day

Today noticed the 4th nana / 2nd jhana flashing for a moment, then quiet and dark, then the sense of "beyond" or "let go" that I associate with 8th jhana. I figured I would try to manipulate the experience a bit and began to invoke the sense of infinite space (my favorite <blush>), which kind of began to take me to 5th, but it seemed to cause a round of brow fluttering, kind of like, no, buddy, you need to let go of that sh*t. So I just watched the fluttering die down for a few minutes and let things be.

Thought I might have gone into that "other" jhana (PL1?) for a bit, then after about a half hour, again. It is a pleasant space, while 8th strikes me as neutral. A sense of light from above. When I was in it the second time I had a small blip and remained there.

Did some "poking around in the head" kind of moving my awareness back in the head, left and right, up and down, diagonally, etc. along with some slow Goenka scanning of the head only, all of which I think was useful in some way.

This "beyond" pointer is useful to me right now. For a long while "openness" was pretty important, and then I went for a while with a pointer towards the "nondual", kind of a pointer to a familiarity with 2nd/3rd gear, non-narrative, non-symbolic. But "beyond", yeah, that seems better right now. It all seems to be pointing to the same thing, though.

Over the past 5 days, seems like a couple of days there where I didn't get beyond equanimity / 4th jhana, although it's a bit weird as I can kind of imagine the territory beyond. Also felt a sense of opening, like the overall understanding was fleshed out a bit.

Desire to sit decreased, but off cushion noting increased. Noticed that almost every time I would return to present or get concentrated, I would get an instant "brow-on". Lots of hard, painful, persistent tension around the eyes and 3rd eye.

And then yesterday I had some kind of massive experience, lots of joy and deep penetrating insight specifically into no-self. It was as if there was only one actor on the stage and it was anatta. Reminiscent of my first big A&P where I saw thru suffering.

A couple of hits of fear last night as I was getting to sleep.

Today's sit was really nice, not quite the cataclysmic joy fest of yesterday, but just so pleasant, relaxed, equanimous, light, peaceful, subtle joy. So easy to sit, mind quiet. Third eye tension greatly relieved. Towards the end seemed a little darker and was perhaps reminding me of dissolution. Might have been a blip there about 20 minutes in.

Did not seem to be especially more than 4th jhana, but it continues to be confusing because there is something that seems to be looking as if from a formless or 8th jhana perspective (i.e. "beyond") and yet I don't feel deeply absorbed into those realms. In fact quite clear and fast today as opposed to the molasses that is sometimes in 8th to me.

Yesterday for many hours after the sit was really nice, just kind of floating along with a good mood. Evening seemed to be not so great. Even with ambien, only slept 3 hours last night, I attribute this to increased mindfulness during the day, similar to more formal meditation time.

Today's sit had a prolonged time starting up in 4th nana, maybe 10-15 seconds. Lots of light throughout the sit. A little distracted, I think mainly due to being tired. My meditation log says A&P? for the past three days. Does not really seem like formless jhanas are showing up, tried 5th but it didn't really feel right.

40 min

Another slowish runup, I seemed to notice an unusual shift, then dark and calm. Third eye tension moved (WTF?) strangely up the forehead and I went into a nice place where I basically said "yay" and then naturally that place immediately disappeared. I wanted to stay there. Afterwards it took me a while to identify where I was but I eventually noticed it was 8th after eliminating the other possibilities. It felt too clear at first but after a while I became more absorbed and it felt more like molasses. Nice to steep in this after having had a cold for a few days. Haven't really felt the formless thing for a few days or more.

Some weak thoughts coexisted with this space, kind of like an on-deck fantasy always wanting to play ball but it seemed kind of okay even if it did. Never got too embedded although I suspect it might be better practice to pay closer attention. After a while there were some dreamlike visual images, then I either had a blip of some kind or I fell asleep and woke up very quickly. Immediately after that the visual field alternated light and dark several times, but slowly, around 1hz.

35 min

Sometimes it seems like the first 4 jhanas are overlaying the formless when I first sit down. Today it went immediately to dark formless calm, but on top of that there was a second of flashing, a second of sinking, then spaciousness and briefly perhaps 5th then 8th. A fair amount of light. I noticed that as I became more absorbed, narrative faded away and noting faded away. I felt more back to normal meditation wise. Or maybe the "new" normal.

From the documentary "Buck" (thumbs up) about the original horse whisperer, who had a traumatic childhood:

"I like to live in the moment, you worry about yesterday or last week or twenty years ago, it's not going to work out too good for you. You can't live in two places at once."

And:

"All those horses are a mirror to your soul"

Last night while going to sleep (very awake at the time, though, practicing my insomnia), had a blip followed by flashing. Then back to equanimity.

"Last night while going to sleep (very awake at the time, though, practicing my insomnia), had a blip followed by flashing. Then back to equanimity.

"

ooooooo! Staying tuned.

"ooooooo! Staying tuned."

Heh. Yep. It would seem to be review after 2nd path.

So, yeah, I had been thinking the same thing, and so after talking to an advanced yogi, it seems about time to call it.

Storywise it would be interesting to map the actual 2nd path moment to Dec. 20 when I had a big far out A&P type experience and deep insight into Anatta, but who knows. FWIW, the following day "for many hours after the sit was really nice, just kind of floating along with a good mood," that was definitely a very special day, reminiscent of the 1st path honeymoon.

Currently I don't feel like sitting much, but I will start a new thread soon and link forward and back. I do find it useful when people have separate threads for the paths.

There are some confounds, but overall I saw it as something like this:
April - 1st path
May, June, July - Review
Aug - Dark Night
Sep - Equanimity
Oct - Dark Night revisited*
Nov - Equanimity
Dec - Path > Review A

*That was the high dose psychedelic experiment, which I felt took weeks to fully recover from. I hate to even mention it again, but let's say that attempting to take another look at the top of the mountain by crashing into it with a huge rocket is not advised. A nice little chairlift ride might be a bit more prudent if one was so inclined.

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