Eric_G's Practice Journal

Continuing with the 80 minute morning sits now. Very tough sit this morning, had to note some self pity and that type of thing. Poor little flesh robot.

Started with strobing, proceeding to peaceful. I clocked the strobing this morning at about 4hz (4 per "one one thousand"). Latest weirdness is a tension that sometimes pulls on various parts of my upper lip a bit. Sounds like a neurological problem. Picture a mild version of Elvis or Stallone. This is only during meditation

Trying the "I wonder what I will think of next" thing. Generally for me this squashes all thoughts dead, (they seem to run in fear) and I become very, um, empty, but soon enough the statement tends to become a bit of a mantra and then I seem to be very ripe to be embedded. So I try to just do it a bit and go back to noting.

Also doing the looking up until I start blinking thing and then observing closely as I stop. Not sure I really get it, but it does seem to produce a moment of peace and blankness.

Just reporting that this morning did not begin with strobing, but went fairly quickly to a peaceful state.

The noting once per second thing began to seem like stepping from lily pad to lily pad - you don't watch where you're going, next thing you know you're in the drink. Also the similarity with counting breaths, at least how I do it, passing the attention off from one breath to the next.

"Latest weirdness is a tension that sometimes pulls on various parts of my upper lip a bit. Sounds like a neurological problem. Picture a mild version of Elvis or Stallone. This is only during meditation "

Seems like I've heard people talk about strange grimaces and things being a standard part of some of the dukkha nyanas. Given that this was also a tough sit, makes me wonder it that's not where you were in the cycle at that point. Hmmm...
Anyway, great reports!

Thanks for the support and info, Joel. I guess it would be plausible that I was doing some reobservation. It would be cool to know the mechanisms behind this stuff. I wonder sometimes if you have to revisit certain things you didn't pay enough attention to the first time. I'm pretty sure I made it all the way to equanimity before without noting (or any knowledge of vipassana), so that would be a fair amount of stuff to revisit. Anyway, just theories.

Same old same old.

Sometimes the sits start with strobing, sometimes not, continuing to a very relaxed state. I'm leaving a bit more space in the noting, a bit more of the listening for the distant ships in the harbor thing, it's actually very reminiscent of the way I was meditating when I knew nothing about vipassana and got A&P via what I guess I would call choiceless awareness, kind of Zen style.

This morning was my first dentist appointment since learning noting, and I tried to note throughout. Definitely less suffering, far less second arrow stuff. I had tried similar things in the past, pre-noting, but got embedded.

Mostly the same.

I did have a good, alert sit this morning, it was right after I had spent maybe an hour transcribing part of a guitar solo, an activity that requires quite a bit of concentration, listening very carefully trying to ferret out the sound of a distorted guitar buried in a noisy mix. So that makes me think a little concentration practice might be good. Or just more transcribing

Also had a bit of a witness experience for an hour or so last week. In the past, it might have been more accurate to call it mere open awareness, but this was a bit more solid. I could go in and out of it, and I tried to practice with it while it was going on. It was pretty easy to just "step out" of embeddedness, and I had a good sense of the desires drawing me in. Since then, back to more or less normal, but I am stepping back into open awareness a bit more because it's on my mind.

Same old same old, about 40 minutes a day, working up to equanimity each time.

Today was a bit unusual. Normally I meditate in the morning, with less going on before the sit. Today there was a lot going on and meditation got moved to post 5pm. I had a lot of interaction and thinking during the day. Started with an unusual amount of strobing/blinking, took several minutes for it to stop, seemed to be significantly more 4th nana type stuff.

Then during the sit, all this stuff from the day was going on, lots of thinking, but somehow I never got embedded. Usually strong thoughts tend to cause for me a kind of binary separation between present and embedded, moments where I realize I was "lost" and have returned to the present, but this time it's like I never got lost. Like there was an analog kind of thing that never quite saturated to embeddedness. Very much open awareness, or awareness watching awareness kind of thing, not much noting per se, with all these thoughts playing themselves out while I just kind of sat and watched it all. Then thoughts where I was questioning all this, wondering if I was fooling myself, thoughts of writing this up, etc.

Still doing the everyday thing and occasionally remembering to note during daily activities.

The other day there was some weird stuff, noting tingling all over the scalp, which was new for me, and of course I felt like that was special so I noted my greed for that experience. After a few minutes of that I went into a very solid equanimity for lack of a better word. It's like not only were the car windows rolled up, but the car was then put into a soundproof room. Very present, spacious, and a bit of an altered state quality that persisted when I opened my eyes. It was a good experience so I continued the sit longer than normal, but just for a few minutes as I had stuff to do. I'm thinking it would be nice to arrange my sits so I always have extra time at the end in case things are going well.

edit: also wanted to add my experience this morning, I noted for a minute or two in bed before getting up. I was stunned by how rapid-fire the imagery was. The visual field was changing incredibly quickly, very different from during normal sits.

and more: These days I'm putting more energy into sustaining momentary concentration. My notes have gotten simpler from spending time in equanimity, and my little technique is to add "and aware and" between notes, to remind me to stay with it continuously. I.E. seeing and aware and releasing and aware and hearing and aware and ... probably need to add some kind of note for any striving there.

Very interesting, Eric. Sounds promising! "and aware and" reminds me of "1-e-and-a-2-e-and-a"
Must be your musical background influencing the practice! There are notes and then there are notes...

Meditated a little earlier this morning with my usual 40 minute sit.

Starts as usual with mild strobing, followed by an immediate relaxing phase, possibly dissolution. I'm not real clear on the path thru the dukka nanas, but usually in about 8-10 minutes I arrive at a very relaxed place. Within the relaxation there are non-relaxed things happening, like tension, but there is no particular problem with them. Something might be noted as unpleasant, but there is a general "okayness" about it. I mainly note sensations like seeing, hearing, tension, pressure, and thoughts or mindstates occasionally, thinking, imagining. Somewhat more rarely I note feeling tone. As I mentioned before somewhere, pleasant or unpleasant often seem a bit subjective to me, particularly in equanimity.

On a good sit, I'd say I temporarily lose some concentration about once every 4 minutes. Sometimes only for a moment, sometimes on a bad day I might get lost in a thought for ... I don't know, let's call it the better part of a minute.

Sometimes the experience is very clear and aware, and lately I've been noting "striving" when I feel like I am chasing after that clarity and awareness.

I feel that I'm always kind of trying something new, not in the sense of an entirely new practice, but the experience seems to change over time and I'm just trying to keep up. It feels kind of gimmicky. But the basics seem to survive.

Outside of formal practice I often remember to be present and note, but these times usually don't last that long, maybe a few minutes. Occasionally I may get into somewhat more extended periods of open awareness.

(cont'd)
I feel that certain insights come, not sure how important they are or if it is just the mind doing its thing. I see more repetition in life, which is kind of obvious, but then again I've never really seen it quite this way before. I notice that television, a great old friend, isn't really doing it for me quite like it used to. I feel perhaps slightly more "aligned" in some small way, like I'm not fighting (figuratively) so much, and I feel even more outside of cultural beliefs than I did before committing to this practice.

My 40 minute sit this morning was fairly pure open awareness with a few notes just because it's a habit. When sitting formally, wandering doesn't usually get too far out of hand. Today I noticed that any wandering tended to be "soft", and felt like there was almost always something in touch. Worked a little on just barely noting at the sense doors (thanks Jayson). Met Jayson and Villum on the "unauthorized" Tuesday thing yesterday. Also met Nadav last week and did a half day sit with Joel on Sunday, so it's been Sangha city for me, and very good to talk with people with path experience.

Have been sitting twice a day sometimes lately. Meditation was a bit difficult today, sleepy, and actually nodded a couple of times. I tried to get my posture very upright, moved my eyes up a bit, and increased my noting, away somewhat from the open awareness thing I've been doing lately. Had a weird moment when it was as if I suddenly went straight up 2 feet and then back down, as if I had been riding a bike and went over a small hill. It was definitely a "what was that?" moment, but I don't know if it was path. Followed by a lot of energy and some tingles, but I feel like it was just my psychological reaction of hopefulness. At any rate, didn't have any problem staying awake for the rest of the sit!

"Have been sitting twice a day sometimes lately. Meditation was a bit difficult today, sleepy, and actually nodded a couple of times. I tried to get my posture very upright, moved my eyes up a bit, and increased my noting, away somewhat from the open awareness thing I've been doing lately. Had a weird moment when it was as if I suddenly went straight up 2 feet and then back down, as if I had been riding a bike and went over a small hill. It was definitely a "what was that?" moment, but I don't know if it was path. Followed by a lot of energy and some tingles, but I feel like it was just my psychological reaction of hopefulness. At any rate, didn't have any problem staying awake for the rest of the sit!"

I dunno man... sounds pretty promising to me...

"Have been sitting twice a day sometimes lately. Meditation was a bit difficult today, sleepy, and actually nodded a couple of times. I tried to get my posture very upright, moved my eyes up a bit, and increased my noting, away somewhat from the open awareness thing I've been doing lately. Had a weird moment when it was as if I suddenly went straight up 2 feet and then back down, as if I had been riding a bike and went over a small hill. It was definitely a "what was that?" moment, but I don't know if it was path. Followed by a lot of energy and some tingles, but I feel like it was just my psychological reaction of hopefulness. At any rate, didn't have any problem staying awake for the rest of the sit!"

Keep us posted, Eric!
That sounds pretty blippy ... and anti-climax, no-big-dealness are said to be characteristic of path, right?
Very interesting...

For what it's worth I agree, sounds like progress for sure!

Maybe. Certainly couldn't feel much more ordinary.

This morning sat and did kasina for 20 minutes. Wanted to see if anything jhana-like came up. Nope. I am beginning to think, though, after talking to the path-ers last week, that I went lightly into 4th jhana a few weeks ago (post 32), so maybe I am in the ballpark, or the parking lot, at least. That experience was a stable (for a few minutes) altered state that was very clear and spacious and equanimous. No joy or rapture like my A&P, just straight up equanimity.

Then did my 40 minute sit. It did start with strobing, perhaps a bit quicker and "finer" than usual of late. In the past couple of weeks sometimes the strobing was very slow and violent, destabilizing and discontinuous. Then I didn't really feel the fall into dissolution, and then it was pretty mundane equanimity-like. Felt more distracted than usual, I would note and then the noting would just fall away.

Off the cushion, the insight and so forth over the past month has been pretty new and eye-opening. My viewpoint is definitely much more macro than two months ago. More to do with my view of people than the universe per se, Seeing the commonality, the sameness, and the "string" of consciousness, if you can picture that, from the beginning to now. Best I can do for a pointer for now.

At any rate, back to the cushion.

Have a fair amount of concern that I am just scripting things, but given that caveat, here goes.

Mindfulness seems more difficult in general, not spending much time during the day in open awareness as compared to last week, say. Last night, it was difficult to fall asleep. While waiting for sleep, had a couple of weird moments, one of which I would describe as "where'd I go?"

Morning sit: started with strobing, mild and slow, over quickly. Didn't really sense dissolution, then I felt as if I rapidly touched on the dark night and went into equanimity all in a matter of seconds. Within a fairly equanimous state, after a few minutes sensed fear, then at some point in the middle of the sit I felt like I had the dissolution thing (like letting the air out of a loose balloon), and later I saw maybe a half second of strobing.

Hi Eric.
Not that I'm a map expert or anything, but starting with strobing sounds a lot like having the A&P as a baseline. Do you recall whether your sits have started with strobing in the past? Have you had a chance to Skype about some of this stuff with Jayson or Nadav? Hmmmm...

Based on what little I know I'd agree. Then again, taking a look now at Daniel's map,
www.interactivebuddha.com/Nanas%20and%20jhanas%20tablep1.pdf
he shows Review as being 4-11 then 15. And I seemed to have some backwards movement today which I know I've read about somewhere.

But, yeah, could have been a few unusual moments or "near misses". I'm pretty balanced between skepticism and belief.
Certainly "strange things are afoot at the Circle K"

"
Certainly "strange things are afoot at the Circle K"
"

Nice!
Don't forget that Keanu was also in "Little Buddha."

FWIW, review comes in 2 phases:
Review phase A: start at A&P, go up to Equanimity, blip back to A&P, repeat.
Review phase B: up the jhanic arc from 1st nana to equanimity and back down. Repeat. Might have some fruitions at equanimity but they won't take you back to A&P like earlier.

Time will tell. Your description of going "straight up 2 feet and then back down ... followed by a lot of energy and some tingles" sounds promising. I will say however that in my experience the days following path are heavy on concentration, effortless mindfulness, joy, feeling like you just woke up from something, etc. I'm far from an expert so I can't say either way. Add me on Skype (nadavspi) if you want - it's fun to talk through the jhanic arc with another person.

Strange things continue, but none of it seems to be stream entry. Sits are quite peaceful but I find that lately I have to work harder to stay continuously aware. Daydreaming seems much more of a hazard these days, generally when there is a lack of "brightness". Learning to find the brightness switch, or the balance point between working and letting go. A couple of weeks ago had a bright flash while waiting for sleep, not that strange for me since I've been doing vipassana, but this time it was simultaneous with a very loud sound of static, kind of like unplugging from a live amp. Very jarring. The other day, while out with friends on a hike I was doing some noting when I remembered and for a short time I was noticing things as just kind of positives or negatives, pulled one way and then the other by triggering phenomenon and the reaction of the brain. I guess like feeling tone, but it just felt fairly direct and meaningful at the time, I had never seen it quite so clearly. Usually feeling tone is considerably more ambiguous to me.

Interesting stuff, Eric. Seems like SE is very close to the Circle K, maybe even lurking around the perimeter or back behind the dumpster. Keep it up!

Was reading Bernadette Roberts, from the Path to No-Self. At the end, she is referring to the state of "union" that she experiences, and as if channeling Mahasi she says, "To keep in this state I seem to need only remind myself of what I am doing. I say to myself: now I am driving, now I am shopping, now I am writing, etc."