Eric_G's Practice Journal

How long has it been since you last noticed fruitions? Did you go through the A&P / dark night again since?

Maybe the upcoming half-day has something to do with it, but you are sitting a LOT lately, Eric--60 or 100 min. or more just about every day. Could this be high equanimity-to-second path? Any review-type stuff happening?

April was 1st path then into Review, definitely A then B over a couple of months
July was when I really noticed a lot of fruitions
August had a definite Dark Night, I have no question there.
Then popping into Equanimity was very clear and I believe I'm still there.

Last weirdness was around post 114 & 115 but I didn't go into review or anything. In asking around I think someone on the KFD video chat said you could still get 1st path fruitions after review, if so, my assumption would be that was what this thing today was.

Anyway, it seems like it's just been equanimity all along since I popped out of that nasty dukkha in August, and I think the timetable above looks about right. I don't think I've experienced review or Dark Night. A bit of extra light lately, but I think it's just the kind you get in equanimity. My understanding is that I'm waiting to see a blip solidly followed by 4th nana, and some cycling. Admittedly it took me a while last time around to see it clearly.

Yes, I'm a little bit more back into it, probably high eq and I've been working up to the upcoming half day. I looked over my meditation log, and before 1st path I was doing 60 minutes a day like clockwork for several months. So I've been at least temporarily trying to beat that.

Gotcha. Nasty dukkha, BTW, seems to be where I'm at right now... Keep at it!

Um, relatively experienced psychonaut here, with several dozen um, very far out experiences under my belt. Many experiences of unbelievable ecstasy, in the most wonderful way, right, yeah, been there, done that. And had a few hitches along the way, yeah, and I feel I've worked thru that.

And okay, yeah, maybe I did step it up a bit this time, dosage wise. Right. Check. And I know my psychological stuff, my issues. Solid on that. That's not it. And I know the prep, It felt right. I did about an hour of samatha beforehand, nice and peaceful and light jhanas and all that to start. It's all good. But it's as if I'm up against something.

A profound unsatisfactory kind of outlook. And it's as if the various substances don't seem to matter, it's like, pfft, who cares, they are nothing. But it's like something won't quite let go. Normally, this combination of substances, has been, really nice, time after time after time. But this is something new, something different this time. I'm seeing something different. Something in the way, best I can say. Blocked. Stuck. Unsatisfactory.

I think you've got to put it all out there--if you're providing data points, then make the data complete, right? Fine to talk about it, seems to me.
I'm trying to do this as well, instead of just logging in and typing up the heroic stuff. Not easy.

Hmm. Mildly embarrassed. Yeah, that was a very simple case of too much.

I did notice that there was a constant strain, and then it would very suddenly go away and I'd notice that I was in 5th jhana, and it would be all nice for a while, no strain at all, very pleasant, so quite a relief. Amazing that that much change can happen almost instantly. Went in and out of this maybe a half dozen times. One time it was infinite, but only as a flat horizontal plane. Never experienced it like that before.

Past two weeks, normal daily sit around 45 min

65 x 2 today, thinking I may "push" again for a couple of weeks.

Fairly easy to sit today, very equanimous. Tension continues around the brow, eyes and base of nose, like a mask. I've been wondering if frontal lobe activation increasing blood flow could explain this phenomenon.

2nd sit driftier than the first, occasional drifting and then back to decent clarity. Kind of a halfway near miss in the 2nd sit, not as big as Oct. 5, almost blinked out then a wave started but immediately stopped. Noted expectation. Harder to finish the second sit, noted some frustration.

65 x 2

Difficult. Had a challenging conversation this morning which led to much rumination. Disappointment, sadness, frustration, anxiety. Just being with the sensations, feelings, thoughts was not bad, but there was a stronger tendency than normal for the mind to want to go off into imaginary conversations. Noted out loud from time to time to get back on track. Occasionally was able to do a note or two in the imagined scenarios. Somewhat easier in the second sit. Trying to look at it as maybe a good thing, to have a bit more challenge.

Slept not so well last night, seems to be my reaction when I up the meditation dose.

65 x 2

Another difficult sit, in that there were strong tendencies to ruminate that were hanging over from yesterday, i.e. psychological stuff. It really feeds on itself if I don't stay right on top of it. Noted out loud here and there. A lot of unpleasant tension in the prefrontal "mask" area. Noticed that at some points this would be relieved a bit, I felt a distance from both the tension and rumination and noted it as distance or distancing. Became aware that this was very similar to what I experienced on a substance the other day, except this was at a MUCH lower level of intensity. As the sit went on, the sense of spaciousness became bigger, and again, this provided relief and distance.

It was very mild, but I believe I was feeling very lightly into 5th vipassana jhana, and as the sense of spaciousness diminished I believe it was a very light 6th, the me-ness. Much easier and more pleasant to sit and note from this point. When I say it was very mild, I mean that if I had not had a "preview" of 5 & 6 right after SE, I don't think I would have picked up on this. At least, not without help.

Tendency to ruminate during the day, but doing yardwork there was lots of seeing, and sometimes when walking I go "touch, touch" as the feet hit the ground. Just very sparse automatic noting as it came up.

Second sit was very difficult after a lot of yardwork. A bit spacy, fatigued, noted a lot of effort to stay on track.

65 min am sit

Another difficult sit this morning. Very fatigued and sore from yesterday's multi-hour yardwork, that would be a physical explanation. And the mind has still been on a bit of a binge lately, having gotten on to a particular rumination a couple of days ago, and now seemingly running with that, ruminating on a bunch of other stuff. Very difficult to sit and pay attention, much out loud noting to compensate, almost gave up. Felt like escaping. Sadness.

I may be way over-analyzing it, but it felt as if I worked thru some mild version of desire for deliverance and re-observation and finally up thru equanimity all in one sit. By the end felt a little bit formless-y and all was good, except still very tired. The difference between 15 minutes in and 45 minutes in was shocking. Shocking, I tell you almost unbelievable. Whew.

Also a theory that the 5HT2A agonists can reset you into the dark night. I have a sample of 2 I think.

65 min pm

Um, wow.

I felt like my off cushion practice today was not only horrible but non-existent, mind chatter all day, but within 10 seconds on the cushion I was in that formless-y space, stronger than before, perhaps in the neighborhood that I experienced post SE for a couple of weeks. Rolled my eyes up and for once experienced a usable flutter that I watched for a while until it didn't seem to work anymore. Kind of a creamy and dark space, not quite as delicate as I remembered, getting very vague at times.

Walked a bit at 15 minutes (started rice), sat back down, same deal. It was such a relief and contrast from this morning that for a few minutes I had tears rolling down my face, noting crying. I am so freaking sensitive. Really wonderful.

But it was admittedly kind of hard to note. Kept the eyes up. Mind still talking a bit, I noted talking when I could, and it's not like I would be completely embedded. It felt like I remained present. Difficult to find words, seemed more non-verbal, yet that talking would be going on, if that makes any sense. Sharing thoughts, narrating thoughts. Noted this, this, this for a while to keep it simple. Tried to be curious and pay attention, but it was hard, the mind just seemed to want to be absorbed. I could see maybe getting better at it. Got a little tired of it at the end.

Amazing that this morning I could have seen just chucking it all and going out for a beer at lunch or something.

65 min am

A bit tired but everything just seemed pretty normal, no big contrasts or new stuff, which I kind of liked. Still finding things to ruminate about. (Like an idiot I answered the door this morning to find a door-to-door salesman ignoring my polite sign. Frustration, anger, sadness, rumination. My own fault.) Still finding it hard to note from a tranquil place, noting effort, thinking. But yeah, a bit drifty for sure. Lots of seeing notes, a bit of the eyelid kasina. I try to investigate but get lost. Need to note out loud even more I suspect.

60 min pm

Very tired and sore on very little sleep. Butched up and did out loud noting the whole time. Kind of had to. Definitely kept me present pretty much 100%. I'd hate to estimate this morning's percent present. Very tired so I pulled out an old photic stim unit and had lights flashing in my eyes the whole time, which seemed to help keep me awake. But it took away a lot of the visual cues I use, which was a bit disorienting, but which might be a useful practice from time to time as I had to feel into things.

Same territory as recently, but noted aching, soreness, fatigue, impatience. And periods of relief, spaciousness, calm, openness. Noticed how many opposites come up one after the other, unpleasant and pleasant, tension and relaxation, coolness and warmth, satisfactory and unsatisfactory. Surprise, amusement, pride, lost, unknown.

65 min am

Well rested, mind clear. Yay.
15 minute softball kasina. I don't notice the nana/jhana movement doing this [help?]. Afterimages pile up, colors appear, ball (and a bunch of other stuff) turns orange. Abrupt movement when the eye refocuses.
20 minute breath meditation. I focus at the anapana spot. Space becomes predominate, it now seems idiotic to continue on anapana, switch to the sense of space. I may be scripting, but I stay with it and at some point it is as if I am focusing on emptiness or nothingness. Maybe 7th.
30 minute vipassana. Noting from formless area. Clear, delicate. Visuals seem more detailed, fine. Very little drifting. Mind seems far away. Brightness. Sometimes extreme tension at brow and bridge of nose. I forget to note sometimes. Re-focus, try to investigate. Joy, a few tears.

65 min pm

Much driftier than the very clear morning sit. Some clarity returned at times somewhat later in the sit. Seemed to be mostly noting from 6th. Much brightness and movement visually. A couple of sharp visual shifts caught my attention.

65 min am

Some good continuous clear mindfulness last night watching TV. But drifty in this sit. Foggy, tired. Hard to stay with it. Effort. Some out loud noting to compensate, but it was all in a fog. Towards the end it became hard to sit, wanted to get up. With about 10 minutes left it got easier (although not *that* much easier). Like breaking out of a mini desire for deliverance. Heh. I want full, crystal clear high equanimity and I want it now.

I feel I am in some kind of battle with thought, or maybe just foggy thought. Somewhere between war and peace. Do I fight it, do I make peace with it, how do I stay fully present and yet have fully formed thoughts at the same time? Do I have to fight, to effort, to get to peace? It kind of seems like it. Back and forth.

Who is in a battle against thoughts? How do you know this? What's the difference between "fully present" and "fully formed thoughts"?

Instead of pushing thoughts away when things get slippery, open to them and invite them in. "I wonder what the next though will be" and watch for it. See how quick and precise you can get at seeing the moment the thought arises. What is it that's arising? Be sharp but gentle. Your goal is not thoughtlessness... you know thoughts will arise.

65 min pm

Kind of crappy mindstates off the cushion, for today's fractal scripting I propose this felt like a mini re-observation which seemed to resolve during the afternoon.

Felt very equanimous sitting, clear at first, brightness, later duller or spacier. Trippy kind of spaces, vague and bewildering. Calm, delicate, dark, tranquil, and yet at the same time unsatisfactory, tension, sometimes very unpleasant tension in the mask area, and yet somehow okay.

Felt like my attention would be on a physical sensation, and while I was absorbed in that, a thought would be building up almost in secret, like behind me while I wasn't looking. Considered being more open and inclusive of all the sense doors to compensate. The thoughts seem soft, and stick around. When I first started meditating they would often disappear as soon as I noticed them. "I wonder what the next thought will be" could be good to work with here.

Noticed there was not a tremendous amount of emotion, so at several points I looked just for those mindstates and there would occasionally be something, but not that often. Sparse sadness, impatience, unsatisfactoriness, and a couple moments of joy near the beginning.

At one point there was very little beyond some subtle proto-bubbling. Could have been 6th but didn't feel like there was a tremendous sensation of me there. Wondered if that was 8th. Checked for space and nothingness, those didn't resonate. Probably less than a minute of that experience.

65 min am

Decent clarity, surprising since I slept very little. Formless aspects not so predominate. "I wonder what the next thought will be" seemed to cut quite a bit of thoughts off in whack-a-mole fashion on the one hand, and then sometimes a thought would get pretty far along. Not sure it would qualify as quite as embedded as I used to get, but certainly more than would be experienced with the strictest noting. Am I being too slack? I feel like I'm learning something here, albeit not as fast as I would like. This thing of learning to be present with thoughts has been the theme for a while, along with exploring the formless stuff.

65 min pm

Very distracted by thoughts, but I felt I was dealing with rumination stuff better than a few days ago (and I had some fresh material from a conversation early this morning). Did some thinking/not thinking noting that I learned today in the chat. It seems like I am drawn to 6th and note from there. Didn't notice 7th. At the end I found myself suddenly struck by the absence of thoughts, which came as a great relief. Pretty sure it was 8th, stayed there for quite a while. It seemed to me like 7th/nothingness, except without the focus on nothingness.

Psychological Notes: found the KFD group noting difficult, forced, self-conscious in a way. A little hard because of the newness, and then my natural noting would often come up and it's like I would have to translate from that sometimes. Felt wrong in the essence noting to label something unpleasant as kind of neutral. But it's just words I guess. More stuff to let go of.

Hi Eric,

It was great to see you at Villum's group session today.

"Felt wrong in the essence noting to label something unpleasant as kind of neutral." -Eric_G

In the essence (formerly Mahamudra) noting, the idea is not to label unpleasant things as neutral. Instead, feel it fully as what it is... then let it go and note "release." See if you can get with someone who has experience with essence noting and try it again... it can be exquisitely freeing and peaceful once you get the hang of it. After a while, the softness and vulnerability of it become irresistible and you begin to see the whole world through a lens of metta and compassion. Essence noting is one of the things I most want to share with the world, so I want to make sure you get to experience it in all its splendor.

I hear what you are saying, though... it's a good idea to scaffold the essence noting by first settling into a tranquil state by freeform noting where you can note everything. That way, it's less likely that you'll feel as though you're forcing it.

Thanks, I understand. I suspect much in the way that it has taken me a long time to get comfortable with other forms of intimacy, this social style of meditation is probably similar.

65 min am

Expected to see the usual 2-3-4 handles briefly, but this time there were no lights and I went immediately to dark, tranquil space, although there was a slight, mild pulsing for a few seconds in the background. Seemed to cycle thru the formless areas and was mostly just hanging out. Occasionally I would remind myself, oh yeah, note, or oh yeah, investigate this. Thoughts were soft and light, not really a bother, although there was a lot there. Very much a relief and a real vacation as opposed to a few days ago. Very little emotion other than relaxation, peace, tranquility. But plenty of brow tension. After a while a little impatience to get up and do other things, like, okay, I get it. Found simple hearing and seeing notes easy, but putting labels on physical sensations was hard. Like, okay, there's that sensation I have noted a million times, what is that, um, oh yeah, pressure. Thinking notes seemed like the best work to do as far as learning.

The mind feels naturally drawn to these areas and it makes a certain amount of sense to steep in this a bit for now. Is there anything I need to be doing differently? Aiming for 2nd path. Allegedly

Afternoon nap with formless dream.

65 min pm

Out loud noting first 30 since it seems harder to note lately. Out loud does seem to tune up the noting engine a bit and I feel like I see more detail afterward. Tried eyes open but I seemed to turn the visual field into a kasina, which is maybe what I do with my eyelids. If I note kind of automatically (without scanning or searching or investigating) there is often a lot of repetitive seeing. It's all kind of dark and trippy and peaceful, but I'm finding it unsatisfactory. Brow/mask tension remains uncomfortably high. Unsatisfactory, yet equanimous. When I did thinking/not thinking, it was mostly not thinking.

Sleep note: I am a bit concerned about my sleep since upping the meditation dose. I have to use ambien every night as compared to once every week or two. I plan to keep up thru Sunday's retreat and then pull back on the [meditation] dose.

45 min am

Absorption into formless areas seemed to be almost problematic over the past few days, making it difficult to note. Today seemed less absorbed, and I began with 30 minutes of out-loud noting, seemed very aware and present. I think I had a near miss, don't want to get anyone excited. Blip > flash > body wave. But the blip seemed kind of wide and soft, and I'm not sure I was completely gone. But yeah, that seemed like the pattern. Seemed to go back to where I was. Heavy narration after that, posting thoughts, decided to hang it up a bit earlier. Not sure if I noticed it before or after this event, but the unsatisfactoriness that has been hanging over me for a week or two seems to be gone.