Eric_G's Practice Journal

Not sure I can say it any better than "duality is an assumption", but I'll say more words. Seems like there are (at least) two basic ways of looking at the world, both legitimate in their own way, but we've been conditioned all our lives to see things as separate, as duality. But, once you get a good enough, long enough look from the nondual perspective, the dual seems considerably more like an assumption, although legitimate in its own way. Actually, just about everything begins to seem a bit more assumption-like, but I'm going to have to sit with that a while.

The dual thing is useful, but it's like we just started jumping right past the nondual straight to the dual to the point that we forgot about the nondual perspective altogether.

Have had a distinct falling off of formal practice, although there are probably more times during the day when I am "practicing" in normal circumstances. The "inner child" just doesn't want to sit rigidly in place for now. Seems more normal to just live my life, with an underlying bias towards awareness. I'll be interested to see how the half day retreat goes on Sunday.

The other day I seemed to have stumbled into a stable experience where the sense of vast space was predominate. The vastness seemed to increase endlessly. I would describe it as very calm, maybe cool, crisp, peaceful, pleasant in its own way but not strong that way. Delicate, detailed. Not sure if I'd ever experienced this before, although like all experience it had a ring of familiarlty. Seemed very obvious, like the other day when I experienced the 2nd and 4th jhanas in a way that was more "sure" than before.

As it was happening I knew there was a jhana that had to do with infinite space, and afterwards I looked it up. So that would be the 5th jhana, the first arupa jhana. When I get back into formal practice I'll have to spend some time on concentration.

Nice talk with Nadav the other day (thanks). He walked me through some jhanas and allowing for a bit of power of suggestion, I was able to lightly feel into them. Plausible that I had gotten path, part of me would like to think so, but at any rate I feel substantially calmer than a few months ago. Had a lot of insights later on that day and felt I was perceiving a finer level of detail as well.

The sense of the inner self and its needs seems much greater than before.

And again, more calm. Playing billiards last night for the first time in many years, I found it amusing as people would try to distract me, dancing around in front of the ball or whatever, and I was totally unaffected, psychologically or otherwise, as if I was an alien. Easy to keep calm concentration on the task, not that that helped much with my sense of aim . Still got to work on that.

Currently, still not a lot of desire to practice formally, but mindfulness continues to be up during the day.

The perhaps "heightened" sense of mindfulness and concentration that I had a couple of weeks ago seems to have faded a bit, although something along those lines is still there, always accessible.

Had just about lost all desire to practice formally (sitting and noting) although noting itself comes up automatically quite often, and it's a definite go-to practice when tensions arise. But there was a real continuity back in that "magic" time.

Felt a bit dark night-ish over the past week which inspired me to sit a few times just to get through it. It was as if there was a ceiling to my mood, a hard limit to how good I could feel.

Seemed to get past that sometime yesterday, felt more equanimity-like, 4th jhana territory. I'm not quite sure about all my "strange things afoot at circle k" moments, but there was another one last night. On the one hand, I notice that as I often do a bit of mindfulness as I go to bed I often pop into weird states, jhana-like, I need to investigate a bit so I can report exactly what's happening there, been kind of lazy that way. Generally very spacious and relaxed, pleasant and stable.

Last night I had another one of these extra weird moments, kind of like I was gone for a second. I've always been a bit unsure about these moments, thinking that maybe I'm just falling asleep for a second, but I'm beginning to think these could be fruitions. This one I came back from pretty hard, in the sense that it felt sudden, with a slight visual flash.

Seem to be getting back into regular meditation. Feel a bit more normal, a bit more like I was a few months ago. And yet maybe slightly different. A couple of days ago a sit began with flashing and pulsing, and within a couple of seconds I was in what I would call a solid 4th jhana, but that was a couple of days ago.

Sat today 30 min, started with strong flashing and pulsing. Lasted for a few minutes, then it was "lights out" and the pulsing remained. Coolness on the limbs. Relaxed, from then on it felt like maybe a low equanimity. The higher equanimity seemed elusive.

Sat a second time 40 min, pretty much the same, but later in the sit quite a bit of tension around the eyes that was somewhat painful. Been a long time, like a year and a half since I've experienced that. Overall I've been kind of drifty, very different from a few weeks ago.

Recapping, looking over my meditation log, I was meditating every day for maybe 2 years with about 99% compliance until 4-12-12. Did not seem to want to meditate much after that, although I was extraordinarily mindful. On 4-22 I had a decisive experience of 5th jhana for the first time. On and off, maybe meditating every 3 days formally up until today where I now have six days in a row of sitting meditation.

Better continuous mindfulness today in meditation, much less drifty. Seemed very still and stable, delicate, dark. I notice that on Sunday and today I wrote "6th?", wondering if I was sitting in witness. Signed up for a session with Ron.

I thought so.

Heh.

I want that extraordinary mindfulness back!

Today's sit, brief strobing, then dark. Very peaceful, tranquil, delicate, dark, my read is formless type stuff. Things seem to go much more to darkness lately. Concentration was better, mind relatively easy to keep still, with occasional light drifting. The drifting seemed to bother me less, it kind of seemed under control in a way. A few people have recently pointed out something to the effect that the awareness is always there, that had struck me as almost a cop-out in a way, but somehow that statement is seeming more relevant.

Last night, pretty sure I was getting into 6th jhana. I could see it a bit more clearly, or at least so I think. I was a bit confused because I was expecting the infinite space thing to continue, but I guess that was just an assumption. My impression, of what I'm calling 6th is that it was "me-ness", and it was not quite so infinite as 5th, seemed more confined or closed off, again I was not expecting that. Guessing, but may have gone a little into 7th for a bit, basically it was like the video faded out and then I don't really know what to say after that.

Also noticed that I seemed to come down the jhanic arc. Don't think I've noticed that before. Only noticed a few highlights, but I did notice going back into 5th and at some time later maybe 4th, although I wouldn't swear to it, and I would definitely say 2nd, if that's the one with the most joy.

Will have to get this all vetted out by the experts, but I'm beginning to just trust in my experience more.

Kind of a back and forth. With regular practice I felt like I was approaching that extraordinary mindfulness again. My TV meditation - 2nd gear practice has improved, which potentially adds hours a day. Still working on computer meditation, though, I lose it all the time there. Then the other day it was like the ego had enough and had to go off in daydreams for hours. Last night had a couple of fear based dreams where I was losing something valuable to me. Seems apt.

Although I wasn't meditating formally for like a month, I was aware that I was more mindful, and I encouraged that by putting up signs on my TV, monitor, and above my kitchen sink that say "Aware - Relaxed - Open".

Feel a little bit dark night-ish again, was hoping I got thru it, but it again seems like there is a cap on how good I can feel. Today started with the familiar strobing for a few seconds and pulsing, then dark. Very tranquil and still, delicate. The puppy can be told to stay, and for the most part it does. It gets real still, quiet. Most of the notes are tension in the forehead (seems to be almost a cross, across the brows and then a vertical line between the eyes) and rising and falling. When the puppy starts to get up I can usually note some kind of thinking or imagining.

Also I use that motivaider device which I have set to vibrate once per minute. That's real good feedback because you are checking yourself every 60 seconds. So you either are present, and note vibration or hearing, or sometimes I am startled, maybe slightly lost, or maybe even I'm too embedded to really notice. Often when I am on the edge I hear it and note "gratitude," because it is helping me to stay on track.

So now 2 arahats are 51% sure I got a path. Not sure what that adds up to

After talking to Ron, I decided to observe what was happening right when I started to meditate (albeit after 15 minutes of concentration practice), like maybe I was missing the first 3 nanas. On starting noting practice, I of course went straight to strobing, but then opened my eyes, kind of shook it off, and resolved to kind of start from the beginning as it were. And then I didn't get the strobing. It took several minutes, but eventually I got some brightness in the visual field, and later I would say I was at equanimity, very panoramic. Kind of miss the more delicate tranquility of about a week ago, though.

After some more sits, I'm a little bit more vague as to what's happening when I sit down. There is usually the initial propensity, within a couple of seconds usually, to get strobing and vibration around the eyes, but I wonder if that's just related to closing the eyes. Kind of like blinking when you go out into strong sun. But the stronger and more persistent pulsing after the initial stuff I do attribute to 4th nana. Common for me to experience 4th & 5th nana, then it gets vague until I get to a solid panoramic equanimity.

The other weird thing is that while I got some kind of "jhana previews" for a while (several weeks to a couple of months), that seems to have gone away. It's like formless access has been removed or substantially muted, and even the material ones seem muted or weaker, even weaker than pre-whatever. Like I'm starting from a lower level or have regressed.

Seem to be working up to equanimity in each sit, not sure I want to call it high equanimity yet. It continues to feel like there is a slight pall over me, a bit of dark night I would guess. I think Joel had a metaphor of a clock with the minute hand temporarily sweeping up into equanimity but with the hour hand lodged in dark night. Like that.

It sounds like your review phase is maturing. Lessened access to jhanas is typical, I think, and definitely not regression though it can feel like it. Soon you might hit the strange fork in the road between review and your next pass through the progress of insight, which can be even more confusing. if nothing else, you'll know when you hit the next A&P - Dark Night stretch.

Yay!

Thanks, Nadav.

Still trying to suss out if there is anything prior to the 4th nana stuff when I first sit down. Today there was maybe a second or two, but the eyes want to flutter a bit immediately, and then the pulsing around the brow starts. The significant confound in terms of diagnosing where I am is that is the way I have experienced it for 2 years, since I first got into the noting practice and became aware of it. Now that I'm looking closely, when I do notice a few seconds prior to 4th nana, it is indeed boring stuff.

I would say that today I was in equanimity within about 10 seconds, but I could well be missing some stuff. I noticed 4th & 5th nana, then a few more seconds, then peace. I find the equanimity area to be nice, but mildly difficult in that there is sometimes less going on and more tendency to get spacy. I find myself occasionally slipping and having to adjust the effort back and forth, sometimes having to ramp it up, and other times for a few minutes I seem to go into something very stable, presumably 4th jhana, where everything kind of locks in and I can just kind of sit back and stay aware and present effortlessly. Although the more profound stillness and delicateness that I associate with formless jhanas continues to be absent. The breath seemed really nice for a few minutes today.

I would say I've been in the dark night, at least in an overall sense. Yesterday's sit had a lot of sadness and disappointment, for example. Considerably better today, fairly neutral.

As to lessened access to jhanas, for a couple of years, several dozen times on mushrooms (a decent sample size), I would go very hard into some jhanas 100% of the time. Since about a month ago, 0%, although very equanimous. It's like I'm taking spiritual naltrexone.

Okay, I think I may have something concrete.

Sit progressed normally. This time, after the 4th and 5th nanas, I noticed a little bit of sadness and disgust over the following minutes, which fits, and is more than I usually notice. Roughly in equanimity, then I experienced a "blip." Very quick, and I would say mild, very easy to miss. Then went immediately to strong pulsing, 4th nana type stuff, and then again up thru equanimity.

This was my 3rd sit of the day. I had/have resolved to sit 15 minutes out of every hour today, I figured it would be one way to put in a fair amount of practice (potentially 4 hours in a day) as well as an opportunity to observe the cycle from ground zero multiple times.

Also went lightly into 5th jhana a couple of nights ago.

All day (or 7 hour) sit yesterday with an insight group. Seemed to be cycling throughout, noticed quite a bit of A&P in the form of lots of light in the visual field (but not so much pulsing and strobing), lots of equanimity as well, dissolution here and there. Not sure I have observed so much going back and forth before, although admittedly that's the longest I've ever sat. Did not notice any fruitions.

Good to catch up with Joel after we finished the sit.

Post 90 kind of strikes me as Review phase A and post 91 seems kind of like Review phase B.

Sits seem very equanimous, stillness is on the increase lately. Pretty vague, but I would say that my sense of self feels a bit flattened or squashed, and there is a sense of "ripeness" as if something was completing.

Needed to report today's weirdness.

Pretty normal sit at first, my impression is a typical ride thru the nanas to equanimity. Then had a "blip" followed by a single flash of light, then a wave of something (I would love to be able to label it as bliss, but to me it was just some kind of bodily sensation wave), then I seemed to go straight back to equanimity. I kept looking for some other nanas but it never came (or I didn't notice). Maybe the flash was it and then I just blew straight thru to 11th nana. I do sometimes get into equanimity very quickly.

EDIT: I tend to interpret that flash of light as 4th nana. Could it be otherwise?

Sounds like review phase B, where fruitions don't send you back to A&P and you just cycle up and down the arc.

Just so I'm clear, at some point after 1st (and reviews), the cycling will stop and 2nd path starts, then you work thru that, then after 2nd you just cycle forever? What fun

Any particular points where I should sit longer (other than all the time) or something? Just keep on keeping on I guess.

Subjective sense is that progress is being made, like there is a deeper relaxation.

"then after 2nd you just cycle forever? What fun
"

Hopefully not forever! But they don't call it Insight disease for nothing.

Way to go, Eric! It does indeed sound like you're making a lot of progress. Awesome. Hope to talk to you soon!
Joel

@Aquanin, thanks for dropping in
@jgroove, thanks, and welcome back! I see you've got the little groovers in your avatar now.

Today I was groggy and rightfully expected a difficult, drifty sit. But somehow it was unexpectedly good.

Everything was very still, almost reminiscent of the post path honeymoon period when I had access to the formless jhanas. Concentration seemed easy and I didn't need to note as much, just being with all of it. Eventually noticed that I must be cycling, similar to the long sit mentioned in post 91. Basically I notice that some portions are brighter than others (presumably 4n/2J), and during one of the brighter zones it was mildly joyful, which fits, and all seemed to be seen thru the lens of equanimity. Seemed to be a lot of time in 11n/4J.

Noted pleasant quite a bit, noted thoughts of sharing this, thoughts that I was a good meditator. Lots of spaciousness and relaxation, tranquility. Not a lot of effort, but some exploring and curiosity. "What is this?"

It was such a good sit that I continued for an extra half hour, although I eventually got a bit drifty and bailed.

Noticed a lot of apparent fruitions over the past day or two, and I find myself kind of wanting the next path to just begin already. Had one during meditation today, I was 5 minutes in and feeling okay with everything, then a blip and a body wave or pulse after. Had a slight feeling of being drawn into it, not sure I have experienced that before.

On again off again difficulty is driftiness. I get into a very peaceful relaxed state and the next thing I know I've been hoodwinked by an attractive train of thought. I just try to be earnest and interested in my experience, often noting "effort" when I'm trying to get a bit more aware and alert.

Continuing to have lots of tension in the face, brow, eyes, and deep into the base of the nose, I often note "flow" as it changes and moves. A distinct feeling of focus on the left side today, even the fruition seemed to come from the left, if that makes any sense at all. The left upper lip pulled away from the lower one a couple of times today, reminded me of a more exaggerated phenomenon I was getting some months back, maybe disgust.