Eric_G's Practice Journal

As I posted a couple of weeks ago, meditation has been become beset by daydreaming or slipping into thought. I guess I had a good run of months of being able to stay on point by silently noting, but for some reason that has slipped away. Did some out loud noting today, but I often slip back into silent noting and then I become embedded (however briefly) in thought. Noticed at the half day retreat yesterday that while walking and noting my breathing (rising, falling), I would go into thought and when I would come out I would still be noting my breathing. The noting of rising and falling never seemed to stop, but my mind would temporarily move to another line of thinking and return.

My out loud noting is generally whispered. Lately I tend to synchronize mostly one note on the inbreath, which I just mouth rather than vocalize, and then one on the outbreath, sometimes throwing in another quick one.

Just thought it was kind of wild that it turns out my favorite waitress at Chili's (who I've known for like 10 years as a customer) actually knew about pragmatic dharma and Kenneth Folk. Somehow that gives me a warm feeling.

Wow. Pretty weird, Eric! Reminds me of my jury duty experience of a couple of weeks ago--sitting there talking to a dude who had done a pragmatic dharma workshop with Kenneth and Vince the week before. "The lattice of coincidence spans far and wide."

Have bumped practice up to an hour based on popular suggestion. A recent fungi adventure seems to have reset me squarely into persistent dukkha for a day or so, so far I have at least been spared fear, but the remainder have been very loud and clear, even in dreams. At least it makes me want to practice. Unpleasant, aversion. Better today, though, and it's time to sit.

Returned solidly into equanimity within a few days of noting.

Still adapting to the hour long sits. They seem quite long, but sometimes when I have a little difficultly I can appreciate the opportunity for more practice. I have come to think of noting as akin to stepping across a lake on a string of lilypads, carefully stepping from one to another lest I fall in the water. Continuity seems to be more important to me these days, and I've found the simple pointer/note "and ..." to be useful at times. It's not really anything different than noting, it just puts an emphasis on the continuity. It seems like noting itself has an element of anticipation. Similar to listening for the ships in the harbor I guess.

Seems like there is an element of practice that is merely relaxation and awareness training, but it seems like the really big deal is the cessation moments that seem to lead to a change in what I would call the felt sense. Pure detached awareness seems relatively easy, even intellectual, at least for moments or minutes, but it seems empty of a felt sense, or any change in the felt sense.

I was thinking about the sharp sounds mentioned in Joel's thread. When I hear a sharp sound, it could just be the HVAC clicking on, it often generates an immediate fear response. My understanding is that this is substantially neurologically hardwired. The reaction is instantaneous, sometimes it is almost as if the fear rises before the sound. But if I'm deep enough into equanimity there may be substantially less response.

Great report, Eric.

I think there's something about the amygdala and sharp sounds. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a fairly immediate, fight-or-flight type of mechanism. But my understanding is that part of what's happening with meditation is the frontal lobes get involved and stop the reptilian-sleestak end of things from running the show. Hmmm...

Spent about half of the time yesterday doing a kind of doubles noting, doing a basic note and then pairing it with one of the three characteristics. Like hearing - impermanent, tension - unsatisfactory, pressure - impersonal. Pointer du jour disease.

Yesterday was watching attention, for lack of a better word. There's something where let's say I'm looking thru my closed eyes, seeing, seeing, but then it's like that wants to go away. I've mentioned this before as "letting go of the eyes" but there seems to be more to it. Something about the mind not wanting to keep doing that continuously, even if only for a matter of seconds. Kind of strange to me. It's like something wants to blank out.

Watched "seeing" a lot today. Probably 75% of my notes were seeing. Kind of an eyelid kasina thing, and it was an above average sit, clear, relaxed, steady mindfulness. I guess the phenomenon I was referring to is just when attention moves away from focusing on the eyelids to other senses. It is maybe more notable to me as a visual person when that much information falls away. I kind of like not paying attention to the visual field, actually, it's a bit more of a "lost" feeling, an unknown.

I think I know what you're talking about here. In one of his podcasts, Alan Wallace does a guided meditation where he introduces an approach to breath meditation taught by Buddhaghosa. During the instructions, he specifically suggests NOT paying attention to the visual field. The eyes are closed, but the attention is not zeroed in on the visual. Hmmm...

The beginning of this video mentions using the visual space as a kasina

As usual, great to see Joel and Nadav at our local KFD club meeting

Sits seem to have more visual effects, almost trippy at times. I have been taking some piracetam. Still feel very much in equanimity. Yesterday the notes seemed to come faster, for brief times almost bewildering. The day before I noticed a new softness to the experience. Was working on looking at my reactions to phenomena a lot like Joel was talking about by way of Chris - hearing a bird and then watching the mind create some vague bird-like image or whatever. Lots of stuff there.

It's a great club (though small)!
Seen Daniel's "Hierarchies of Vipassana"? Some highlights...

"...to be able to directly perceive the Three Characteristics of objects in the center of attention consistently and directly ... to be able to directly and continuously perceive the sensations that make up the coarse background components also in that same light of strong, direct vipassana awareness, meaning direct comprehension of the Three Characteristics of not only the foreground objects, but things like rapture, equanimity, fear, doubt, frustration, analysis, expectation and other sensations in the periphery, as well as other objects as they arise, such as thoughts and the component sensations of feelings as well as the primary object or objects...

[to] add core processes such as the sensations that seem to make up attention itself, intention itself, memory itself, questioning, effort, surrender, subtle fear, space, consciousness, and everything that seems to be Subject or Observer or Self all the way through the skull, neck, chest, abdomen and all of space such that nothing is excluded from this comprehensive, cutting, piercing, instantly comprehending clarity that is synchronized with all phenomena or just about to be...

... one comprehends simultaneously two of the Three Characteristics of one's entire sense field completely including, space, consciousness, and everything else in that volume as an integrated whole and so attains to Change of Lineage, Path and Fruition. "

Thanks, I guess this would be the thread:
www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/1973107

"One might ask oneself, "What core process, subtle background or foreground sensations, or other patterns of experience are not yet brought into the clear light in the way I have done for so many objects?" In this way, one sees what one is missing and, having learned to see those objects naturally also, lands it."

"Thanks, I guess this would be the thread:
www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/1973107

"One might ask oneself, "What core process, subtle background or foreground sensations, or other patterns of experience are not yet brought into the clear light in the way I have done for so many objects?" In this way, one sees what one is missing and, having learned to see those objects naturally also, lands it.""

Yeah--very good stuff!

Daniel laid out some good stuff, but the notion of practicing without "any" interruptions (#5), seems almost impossible. OTOH I have some facility with the stuff through around #8.

I seem more aware of distraction lately, efforting towards continuity.

I started a meditation log at home exactly one year ago tomorrow, although I had been meditating daily for around six months before that, added to another couple of years worth spread out here and there. It helps keep me practicing, as I hate to see a blank line in the log , and I don't have to speculate about how regular I've been.

Meditation this week has been all over the map, from great to truly horrible. The horrible day had a bit to do with lack of sleep, but I powered thru 45 minutes of out loud noting nonetheless, sometimes with open eyes to compensate. But I just couldn't stand to do it anymore after that. (Desire for deliverance?)

Did one hour of kasina today. After about a minute the afterimage plays a big part in what I'm seeing. The blue disc begins to look more 3D with the lighter afterimage superimposed, and also somewhat like a solar eclipse, with the afterimage bleeding around the object. At times the afterimage rotates, which is really interesting for a few seconds until the eyes need to move or I need to blink. Also the entire visual field sometimes gets permeated with afterimage, which looks kind of trippy,

A bit unsure of whether I should be noting at all with kasina practice. I tried to merely "aim and rub" on the object as Pandita would say, but I often noted "seeing, seeing" "aiming" "rubbing" and occasionally other notes would come up automatically.

On pure noting days these (still) often start with flashing and vibrating, then relatively quickly I seem to get into a peaceful expansive state. Sometimes I focus on the three characteristics.

Villum mentioned a pointer about how seeing is effortless, and simultaneously I have been becoming aware that the meat of the "work" for me is to recognize greed and aversion, the little pushes and pulls. My metaphor was that it is as if the mind has rough spots or sharp corners, and noticing these and giving attention to them seems to slowly smooth these areas, removing blockages and tensions, finding a straighter path as it were, the ease of being as Jean Klein puts it.

And it occurred to me after Villum said that, that these blockages don't tend to be in the visual area, and on reflection neither hearing, nor taste nor smell. Not that they couldn't be. There might be a trigger there, but for me the main "problem" seems elsewhere, primarily in some kind of tension resulting from thought and feeling and expectations. So it strikes me to perhaps bias my attention a bit more towards thoughts, feelings and tensions. The tensions being more in the way of feedback, the thoughts and feelings primary sources. The noting of seeing and hearing strikes me as useful to keep the noting continuous in difficult times or with sparse material, but much in the same way as a fallback device like rising and falling they might be considered secondary to the underlying task.

[EDIT: path probably happened right around here]

I think I may have a better handle on jhanas, at least 2nd & 4th vipassana jhanas.

I was meditating today, and I guess I got a bit more joy than usual along with some 4th nana stuff, and I was noting the vibration and flashing and the joy, and I kind of said to myself, well duh, this is 2nd vipassana jhana. And then I went on to a more peaceful, open space that I associate with equanimity, and I said, duh, 4th vipassana jhana. Somehow the subtleties of the states seemed ever so slightly better defined, as areas of consciousness that are slightly more stable and pleasant than others. In recent weeks I had been starting to get a loose idea of what Nadav meant when he would ask me, "are you getting concentrated?" whereas before I'd have to play dumb. But still very much a beginner here.

My A&P experience was apparently a relatively firm 2nd jhana experience. In it, I was automatically and firmly open and present and free of narrative and didn't have to put any effort into being non-embedded. The states I'm referring to in regular meditation are much weaker and I still have to have a loose background effort to stick with it. At the time of my A&P I hadn't even heard of that use of the word "embedded." Also the joy and release during the A&P were so strong that I was sobbing with joy the whole time.

more ...

(cont.)

I've had a bit of a psychedelic renaissance in my life, and I have noticed I would get that same kind of strong 2nd jhana - A&P type experience each time, anywhere from 1-4 times per trip, the same sobbing with joy and release, and the same kind of easier access to whatever you want to call it, original nature, oneness, pure consciousness experience, whatever.

Last night I had that big experience with just cannabis, and it occurs to me that in the past few months there have been numerous times I've just thought of those strong experiences and I begin to cry with joy just in everyday life. I was thinking of those recollections as something separate, but I'm not sure they are, because what is happening is I am tying into the same thing. I can't do it on command, but I seem to stumble into it fairly regularly.

I don't know. Strange things still seem to be afoot at the Circle K.

Tons of insights the other night. Don't remember most of them. One was something like, "ha! - I'm just a collection of running processes!"

Felt like 2nd gear is analogous to an "idling" process that still requires a slight degree of effort or monitoring.

Last night felt a clear difference between what I would call "bare" awareness and this idling process, I would guess that in KFD terms that would be 3rd gear and 2nd gear. In a way, pretty basic stuff, it just went from being intellectual to um, felt, grokked.

"Thanks, I guess this would be the thread:
www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discu...ards/message/1973107

"One might ask oneself, "What core process, subtle background or foreground sensations, or other patterns of experience are not yet brought into the clear light in the way I have done for so many objects?" In this way, one sees what one is missing and, having learned to see those objects naturally also, lands it.""

That's a really great way to organize it. Makes a lot of sense.

"One might ask oneself, "What core process, subtle background or foreground sensations, or other patterns of experience are not yet brought into the clear light in the way I have done for so many objects?" "

Not sure how I would word it, but yeah, I find that I will often be noting and dis-embedded on one or more sense modalities, but there will often be an underlying "belief" or assumption that is leading to some experience of tension in the body. I find it is often necessary to think in terms of widening my perception, being more panoramic, a kind of consciousness scanning, in order to root that out. I typically just think "open" or "opening" to point to that.

Really "got" what Jayson was talking about (months ago) how the way that we generally look at the world, i.e. duality, is an assumption.

"Really "got" what Jayson was talking about (months ago) how the way that we generally look at the world, i.e. duality, is an assumption."

Go on...