Bill H Practice Log

Yesterday was a skip - did lots of off the cushion during a long hike though. Did get into 3rd gear using the 'happy and harmless' metta - interestingly it can result in a clear, simple awareness where there is a subtle hint of perfection in everything and objects become more 'interesting'...

Felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown cycling through negative emotions today though, I guess thats what can happen when I take a day off

did 75 min today, 40/35 anapana/noting (choiceless) - concentration didnt feel that strong but the noting quickly went from tensions/3-4 episodes of wild energy rushing and tingles, calm, random unpleasant tensions some of which felt like distinct DN like the tension that twists the mouth up, some drumbeat vibrations in the body, but everything seemed to come up in some random order this time - the last ~15 minutes of the sit were very calm, and there was this sense of being aware of everything in a 360 radius, and a sense of space expanding outward.. Seems like the concentration/insight combo works well for me so I will continue it.

55 min anapana - feel more unified, not really locked on but near the end felt some self doubt loop that was running subtly in the background get pried away from the breath, some energy released in the head somewhere...

55 min noting choiceless, immediate tingling, midly pleasant, all over, very tiny particles of sensation winking on and off, became more instense and less pleasant then got into some burning/itching, eventually energy rush and calm, then not very clear, random mix of calm and tensions, thoughts, hit the mouth twisting tension after a bit then somehow got into this repeating cycle of random tensions and vibrations, seeing some annata in the thought process and then the mouth twisting tension again, seemed to have this happen many times, maybe 10, near the end felt very calm and open, somewhat energetic and then out of nowhere a big energy surge, intense and wildly detailed field of purple in the eyelids, billions of particles in the vision seemingly and energy surging all over, more calm afterwards and the bell, some curiousity and thoughts about wanting to know where I was there...

55 min anapana this AM, 55 min mixed choiceless and mahasi, some outloud to begin with - no report, time.

55 min mahasi, got more concentrated staying on target but allowed awareness to widen and noted many other things. Got into bubbling tensions immediately, after a minute or two an energy rush/tingles all over and calm, some random stuff and then the face twisting tension, alternating from being in the mouth to being in the eyes, noticing how the mind now sees many of these tensions as positive, some sort of loving/acceptance being there, after a while a long period of simply being there, then lots of daydreams, some buildup in the head, another energy rush leading to a more concentrated feeling, awareness still wide and calmness, noting as much as possible while staying on the rising and falling as well.

50 min mahasi - seemed very similar to the morning sit but got more vibrant, vibratory and got mired in some sort of pain/sickness feeling after a while, very little aversion though and then more clarity, a light bliss of sorts, odd though felt very stable and able to do the practice but kept noting thoughts of wanting to stop...

55 min mahasi this AM. tensions, shaking, energy release, then calm, seems like I skip over fear but landed smack in nausea/pain/irritation/harsh tingling and mixed in some sort of grief, all jumbled together at times, other times not. Clearly DN and very irritable after the sit, promising not to visit stuff on other people.
Noticing how the nausea seems linked to tension around the eyes and the sadness linked to the twisting mouth tension.

also notice that I seem to get alot more visual flickering with straight mahasi. Its not strong but after the sit if I closed my eyes it was noticeable.

55 min mahasi - focusing on trying to see all the sensations, all the detail, as fast as they come and go, very vibratory, got into tension and rushing energy, seemed to hit that pair a number of times, not clearly aware of any disctinct DN stuff, after a while got fairly calm and then hit some kind of wide open absorption again, some kind of perfect ease and calm/unity for a few seconds then drifted out of it back to vibrations all over, vedana mostly neutral, pleasant, some unpleasant but somehow the aversion wasn't very noticeable, just trying to investigate everything - seemed to hit a less absorbed version a few times, then just calm, lots of vibrations and tingles all over, high speed throughout the sit.

2x30 min mahasi @ Zendo, 55 min mahasi @ home, 1st sit hit creepy crawly tensions and a few episodes of rushing energy/non-duality and then calm, peace, second sit felt like a mix of calm and tensions, some light energy rushes, last sit started out with tension, then rushes, calm, and after a while it felt like I had slipped back down to tension but it wasn't the same, ended up in light nausea for a while, then calm, open, a few episodes of mouth tension and eye tension, some lighter energy rushes but mostly calm, open, simple.

resistance, low aspiration, low energy lately.
55 min Mahasi earlier, inital bubbly tensions, many energy rushes/releases, seemed like I would go along for a while in some calm, minor tensions and vibrations, then notice something the mind was doing in a more clear than normal way and there would be a rush of tingling and kriya stuff, shaking, etc. This seemed to happen a number of times.

This is a really valuable set of reports, Bill. I'm considering taking some time out and working on anapanasati again for awhile, to get some "lubrication"--all of this dry insight making me a bit unbalanced! You seem to keep coming back to Mahasi noting practice, though. I'll be interested to see how things develop for you--thanks.

Well it moves me up through the maps very slowly compared to 4F's but my personal feeling right now is I need to work with some stuff that is more hindrancy than DN'ish - it seems to be useful to stay on an object while noticing other things right now. I know I can get to 11th nana but it is so unstable due to things I am working on now, if that makes any sense. I had a memory last night pop into my head of something I did ~17 years ago while doing mindfulness practice throughout the day and I realized it was textbook A&P. I have been doing some LK towards myself as well - there is alot of remorse, self-judgement, and failure/notgoodenough identity thinking that occurs under the surface of this mind, and self ill-will as well. I want to get stable on an object while noting this stuff for a while.

55 min Mahasi this AM, tensions, a few energy rushes, then lost of staying on the rising and falling as best I could while thoughts/sensations as listed in the paragraph above occured.

55 min mahasi - seemed to float up to tensions/energy rushing/calm, then indisctinct unpleasant stuff and settling in some sort of flipping back and forth between mouth tension and eye tensions, and intermittent energetic tingling releases in the head, sense of settling and space, openness. Its funny how the more I experience things the less aversion I feel to them.

50? min mahasi/MM - Mahasi seemingly dry, unable to get either insight or concentration going (until I tried MM again which instantly took me up to openness with everything). Think I will go back to two different practices, anapana seems to be the best thing for me for concentration and MM is best all around off cushion and on cushion for moving through the maps quickly without getting stuck. (at times I do concentration off cushion though, just in/out on the breath)

-one thing I did like about MM is that it seemed to wildly enhance the intimacy and connectedness of my relationship. I have to remember I'm not doing this for myself.

15/40 anapana/MM

concentration not too great but did my best, moved into listening, immediate energy rushing, expansion, calm, then rough patch, unpleasantness, shaking, lots of kriyas, a few more energy rushes, twisting mouth tension and eye tensions, then seemed like I was cylcling through unpleasant bodiliy sensations while listening, seemed like I was moving in between a calm state of open acceptance and clarity and a rough state of neck tension/eye/mouth tension/shaking, although there isnt much reaction anymore, not full acceptance but a year ago such states would have spun off their own second arrows, now not so much, sort of old hat.

15/40 anapana/MM this AM.
Got a deeper level of concentration going by holding the idea of 'letting go into the breath' instead of trying to hold onto it...

MM was rough - immmediately got into tensions, bubbling and energetic then a few energy rushing/tinglefests, calm, and then some pretty harsh stuff, quick fear, some sadness and then nausea that stuck in the gut, tensions in the face, more listening, listening, got into absolute desire for it to stop, very strong, more listening but hard to keep it going, more calm after a while but then got into more of the DN stuff, a few times the 'metta' feeling of MM coming and going as DN was doing its thing.

15/40 anapana/MM at lunch.
Concentration OK, MM similar sequence to earlier except this time seemed to hit rough/shaky/unstable stuff a bit sooner and cycled through unpleasantness a few times, noticed a few distinct things like the mouth tension, nausea a few times, also that shaking observer feeling, at some point there was one last shudder of instability and then calm, more open, hearing more direct and primary, listening, openness, stayed close to there for a while then started to feel dreamy somehow like it wasn't real(?), near the end seemed to get shaky and unstable/unpleasant again.

edit - definitely back-cycling off the cushion... dhukkaville. Listening, acceptance

huh. Yesterday was pretty rough after the lunch sit, felt like I was stuck in re-ob, very difficult..
This morning expected more of the same, and naturally what I get is:
15/40 anapana/MM , concentration not quite very solid but a good way to start the day, MM started with openness, acceptance of tension, openness, well-being, calm, listening, listening, etc, felt like a slow progression into calmer and more positive mind states and more hearing, opening slowly to the wonder of this moment, a small undercurrent of tensions and anxiety, did notice the mouth tension at one point but it was mild, noting surrender, acceptance, returning to the ships.

15/40 anapana/MM, concentration fairly solid, could feel the sense of existence being drawn slowly into the area of concentration, some ease and steadyness, again 'letting go into the breath' my motto...

MM - went from tensions and a few energy releases, some difficult stuff, mild but tension passing through the mouth and head again, some vibrations and that funny feeling of the head shaking while pieces of it being pulled in all directions, like if you broke the head and sense of observer up into chunks and they all were moving back and forth but in different planes - pretty odd but been there before, then after a bit the listening and the hearing sense became 'bigger' than everything else, and suffering was greatly diminished - just calm, hearing, solid and present.. Ease. More listening, kind of fell out of this and popped back into it a few times, and the bell.

another 45 min MM, funny this time, no concentration to begin with, mind petered out after a while, seemed to me like I was cycling through the DN's over and over - lots of listening and allowing, allowing, seeing how true it is what Kenneth once said to me, something about questioning our belief that life should be without unpleasantness. In a way its almost like that belief is the one thing standing in the way of continuous mindfulness.

15/40 anapana/MM this AM, concentration felt solid, MM difficult though, spacey. felt like cycling again among different unpleasant states, not very much access to openness, lots of listening and allowing, I think I felt nausea come and go 4-5 times at least, along with mouth tension, eye tension, etc. Overall spacyness, hard to remember the exact sequence of events.

15/40 anapana/MM at lunch, concentration ok, I like this 'letting go *into* the breath' mantra I am using, it seems to lead in the right direction. Feels to me like if I can spend a few hours at a shot doing it I might really go deep. Will save that for Sunday perhaps.

MM was kind of spacy, seemed to be tensions/release/calm, tensions, unpleasant tensions, bubbling unpleasant shaking/etc and then calm, more and more listening. Seems like the listening is getting stronger and during the last 15 minutes or so I started to become aware that there is this 'centerpoint' that the mind is creating that seems to get in the way of the listening, and there is some sort of internal struggle going on. I can tell that the road to less suffering lies in the direction of letting go of the centerpoint but I wouldnt say that I can control it. It just feels like If I continue the practice it might eventually release more on its own.

3x30 min MM @ Zendo. Car wouldnt start at all - I guess thats all the evidence I need to see to know that for me at least I need to do concentration before anything else. Maybe my last name is 'hindrance'? Felt to me like I was in a difficult 3rd nana all three sits, tensions, burning, itching, some anxiety (also due to sitting with other people which is normal for me) - at some point I got bored with it during the second sit and started doing noting and sure enough it started to shift into a more pleasant, beginning to be rapturous energy with less duality and many sensations, but I stopped and went back to MM, and the sit settled back into tension mode. Interesting - I had thought for a while that MM should be a post A&P practice, where if concentration wasn't doable one could use noting to get to dissolution and then switch to MM the rest of the way.. Makes sense to me.

90/10/45 - anapana/walking/MM

anapana went fairly deep. Calm, after a while very mild pleasantness, kept bringing awareness back to the breath in a continuous way. Near the end it got a bit stronger and there was a rush for 5-6 seconds of some sort of rapture while continuity seemed to peak.
MM was interesting. The concentration didnt make MM massively strong, just possible. I did move up through the maps very quickly, I think I went from tension/energy rush/calm in a minute or so, it was fairly clear but after a while got indistinct, with mouth twisting and eye tensions coming and going. Not much aversion though, just sort of 'stuff'. Had some jumbly shaking unpleasant stuff after a bit and then a sort of smooth, simple calm, present but not in any kind of special way. Bell.