Marc's practice notes

Yeah, seems pretty natural to me. I don't think we can reap the benefits of having the maps as part of our perspective without also being forced to deal with the so-called "shadow side" from time to time. There's not only the "where am I at?" thing, but also doubt about the maps, our interpretations of them and the overall wisdom of working with them ("Is this all projection?" "Isn't the mind so powerful that it can just create the experiences we long for or expect?" and so on). The trick seems to be to find a way to hold this stuff lightly and avoid getting embedded. One slogan that has helped me in this regard is Adyashanti's assertion that if something cannot survive the disappearance of thought, it isn't ultimately real. My own yogic process survives the disappearance of thought--i.e. some kind of physio-energetic change is happening, albeit very slowly. My ruminations about this are just more mind objects arising and passing away. Don't know if that's helpful at all.

The funny thing about a long term meditation practice is that it takes time. Patience. When things happen, or start happening, you may not realize it at first. Progress can be as subtle as a tiny wisp of air or as obvious as a hurricane. But it depends on about a million things. So you have to stay with it because before you know it you'll be so obviously on a ride that you will never question the practice again. Reading the other diaries here should give you a really good picture of this. It's a pattern! New meditators are full of hope and doubt. Then something happens and the doubt magically disappears, sometimes to be replaced by joy, sometimes even by fear.

It's all part of the path.

"Then something happens and the doubt magically disappears, sometimes to be replaced by joy, sometimes even by fear.

"

Tell me about it .

There are times when it feels overwhelmingly foolish to sit in a room with one's eyes closed fixating on every itch, ache, and tickling sensation, as well as whatever silly randomness goes through the mind. Or else staring (with eyes closed) at one's nostrils, "watching" the breath go in and out! And we all (or at least a whole lot of us) get caught up in the "are we there yet?" game with the maps. Then there's "attainment envy," competitiveness, and all that good stuff. Just take this in stride and keep on keepin' on.

"One slogan that has helped me in this regard is Adyashanti's assertion that if something cannot survive the disappearance of thought, it isn't ultimately real. "

I guess that keeping this in mind will also help to see my thoughts in perspective: they are also arising and passing away, like all other phenomena. Thanks!

By the way: it really means a lot to me that people I've never met take an interest in me!
I hope I can eventually be of service to other people who are on the same path. In the meantime I'll just try to go on patiently.

Let me just say that I love how candid and open you are about your practice. It is so heartening to read your thread.

I have a notes that I use just for mapping thoughts and dharma thoughts, as they are some of the stickiest that can come up for us. Watching them with a critical awareness is pretty damn skillful pre-SE Marc!

That's a good idea, to use a specific note for these thoughts. I'll try to incorporate that in my practice.
This morning I sat for 35 minutes. Noticed itches, tension, thinking, planning, fantasizing, waiting, hoping. Some surface tension, pressure, mild head ache. Then a mild tingling wave, gladness, relief. Coolness in arms and chest, attention slowing down, waiting, not knowing what to note, yawning several times, boredom, waiting. I checked my timer and got up.

Meditated for 35 minutes this morning. First a lot of mental activity: planning, intending, looking forward, thinking, mapping thoughts. Hearing, intterpreting, image thoughts, waiting, tension in my back, head ache, neck ache. Then some itches, a bit of flickering, waiting, wandering off, spacing out, coolness in my arms and hands, and heaviness. Not knowing what to note, pressure, tension in my back, waiting, mapping thoughts. A little bit of tingling, then more mental activity, some restlessness. I stretched my arms and then I checked the timer. I noticed the intention to sit longer next time, and then I got up.

Sat 45 minutes this morning. First noticed remembering, interpreting, image thoughts, planning. Some tension in my back, then more itches, and eventually one itch turned into a tingling feeling. More itches, then some flickering. Gradually feeling less alert, wandering off, fantasizing. Tingling wave through my arm, then more tension and back pain, impatience, itches. Another tingling wave, more fantasizing, waiting, spacing out, forgetting to note, heaviness, no back pain anymore, boredom. Some tingling, more itches, back pain, restlessness, mapping thoughts, impatience. Sat with this for about 10 (?) more minutes, and then I got up.

Last night I sat for 45 minutes before going to bed. At first, I noticed a lot of tension in my stomach, which felt a bit vibrating. Also itches, muscle twitches. Thinking about the future, fantasizing, image thoughts. Then really pleasant and long lasting waves of tingling/vibrating, moving through my arms and torso. Also a lot of muscle twitching. Then an intense feeling of slowing down, felling like my mind was 'under water': sort of floating awareness. I kept forgetting what I had noticed before I noted it. Pleasantness, heaviness, coolness, spacing out. Again very intense and long lasting tingling sensations, but this time without muscle twitches. Back ache/tension, pressure, itching, thinking, mapping thoughts. Tingling, itches, more tingling, and then waiting, coolness, a vague pressure in the back of my head, not knowing what to note. Then some pretty intense contraction in the abdomen, concentrated in a very small area, and some tension in my lower back. I tried to stay aware of the sensations in my abdomen, but then they disappeared, and shortly after that I noticed new tingling sensations. When these had subsided, I got up.

This morning I sat for 55 minutes. I noticed tension in my back, pressure, thinking a lot, fantasizing. Then a lot of itching, followed by some tingling sensations. Coolness, difficulty noting, waiting, doubt, confusion, wondering off, forgetting to note, fantasizing. Shivering, very mild tingling, more ithces and increasing back ache/tension. Restlessness, thinking, aversion, waiting. Tingling, coolness, silence, not knowing what to note. Boredom, waiting, getting up.

This morning I sat for 30 minutes.
Pressure in several places, some itches, tension. Thinking a lot, remembering, fantasizing, planning. Very mild tingling feeling, and after that I spaced out a lot. Wandering off, fantasizing, boredom. Then more restlessness, thinking, tension/pain in my back, aches, itches, impatience. I got up and felt pretty disappointed about the sit.

"I got up and felt pretty disappointed about the sit. "

But did you feel that the noting practice, at any point, created "space" around these difficult mind objects or enabled you to dis-identify from them?

"This morning I sat for 30 minutes.
Pressure in several places, some itches, tension. Thinking a lot, remembering, fantasizing, planning. Very mild tingling feeling, and after that I spaced out a lot. Wandering off, fantasizing, boredom. Then more restlessness, thinking, tension/pain in my back, aches, itches, impatience. I got up and felt pretty disappointed about the sit. "

This is not a sign of regression.

As a heads up I would suggest that changing your technique, stopping practice, etc. are not what you need to do right now.

This stuff is part of the process. Keep the process going by continuing to note as your were.

"But did you feel that the noting practice, at any point, created "space" around these difficult mind objects or enabled you to dis-identify from them?"

Good question, jgroove. In this particular sit it didn't feel like it did, so maybe that was part of the reason that it felt so disappointing. In some sits noting really helps to create more space between me and my sensations, which generally allows me to let the meditation flow naturally. But in other sits, even though I'm noting stuff, I'm still very much embeddded in it.

Last night I sat for 35 minutes (felt like much longer). I had also meditated for 35 minutes in the afternoon, which was a lot like my morning sit.
In the beginning I felt lots of tension and pressure: the tension was really vibratory and energetic (just a bit restless). Some thinking, planning, thinking ahead. Then itches, anticipation (sort of knowing that tingling was on its way), shivers, waiting, then tingling waves and very subtle pinpricks all over my upper body, which felt very pleasant.
Then coolness, waiting, silence, less sensations to note, some undefined surface tension.
Then suddenly fear, and a scenario of my cat being kidnapped and tortured. Feeling very warm all of a sudden, intense pressure/tension in my stomach and chest. The cat scenario went away quickly, but the heat and pressure stayed, while I also noticed excitement (sort of a rollercoaster thrill, mixed with some anxiety), mapping thoughts: wondering if this was Fear. Also lots of images going through my mind, which was very chaotic.
I'm not sure what happened then, I guess I eventually spaced out a bit, and then I noticed some muscle twitches, which became more intense. Also tingling, and at the same time abnormally many muscle twitches through my whole upper body. This felt really weird and intense, and I even wondered if I was doing it on purpose. It felt really spastic. It did feel quite pleasant when I just let it happen.
The tingling and twitches subsided, then some itches and tension, some thinking, more itches, and eventually some tingling. Then sensations seemed to drop away, and I noticed wandering off, then heaviness, and feeling like I couldn't move my body, feeling very solid. Then I heard the neighbor's clock, and I noticed disbelief, because it had felt like much longer. I stayed on the cushion for a bit longer, and then I got up.

This morning I sat for 50 minutes.
Noticed tension in my back, some itches, pressure. Hearing sounds from the renovation of the house next to ours, interpreting, annoyance, a bit of anger, intending on complaining, then judging myzels for having these feelings and thoughts. Waiting, impatience, and after a while I noticed a bit of tingling. Then feeling somewhat distracted, waiting, then some more mild tingling. Then a lot of tension, pressure that turned into an irritating ache, discomfort, itches, impatience, restlessness, urge to move.
Eventually some tingling, and then some coolness, difficulty noting, waiting, diffuse sensations on my skin. Mapping thoughts, spacing out. A bit of tension in my back, urge to move. I changed my position and after a few minutes I got up.

Yesterday night I meditated for about 30 minutes. I quit because I had a stinging head ache and I didn't quite succeed at just accepting it.
This morning I sat for almost 40 minutes. The head ache was still there, and I tried not to resist it. I did notice some aversion and hoping that it would go away. I had periods of tension and itches, tingling, and wandering off, and there was a song in my head for the entire sit. Noting wasn't accurate: I spaced out many times.

Sat for 40 minutes this morning.
First some pressure, tension in my back, and a few itches. Also a lot of mental restlessness, especially fantasizing, also image thoughts. More itches, then some tingling, more itches, and another tingling wave. Not knowing what to note, coolness, wandering off, waiting, mapping thoughts. Then increasing restlessness, itches, impatience. I checked the timer and got up.

Had a Skype conversation with Ron, this evening, which boosted my motivation and clarified some questions and doubts. After that I sat for 20 minutes.
First tension and itches, as well as much remembering and planning. Then a very distinct tingling wave through my upper body, and after that feeling my body cooling down and having more difficulty noting. Also waiting for sensations and wandering off. Then a few tingling waves, which felt very pleasant, followed by more thinking, itches, and restlessness, impatience. I gave in to my first urge to get up and felt okay with this. The sit felt longer than it actually was.

This morning I sat for 40 minutes.
At first I noticed tension in my back, itches, fantasizing, remembering, image thoughts. Then I noticed a tingling wave and moving lights. After this I gradually felt less concentrated, and I noticed boredom, difficulty noting, silence, coolness, fantasizing, wandering off. Then some anxiety, warmth, tension in my abdomen, feeling more concentrated. The coolness returned and my concentration got worse again, and I noticed waiting, boredom. Then tingling sensations, followed by itches, tension, restlessness, thinking a lot. Again some tingling, then coolness, spacing out, waiting, silence. The timer went off and I got up.

Meditated 40 minutes this morning.
First some tension, thoughts about the future, planning thoughts, image thoughts, fantasizing. Itches, waiting, thinking, and then some tingling. After this I started wandering off more, and I noticed not knowing what to note, waiting, silence, coolness, fantasizing. Then a bit of tingling, and after a short while my mind became more active again: thoughts about the future, fantasizing. Also more tension, itches, restlessness, impatience. I stretched my body, and after doing this I had much difficulty sitting still. More impatience and restlessness, and eventually I got up after checking my timer.

Last night in bed I meditated shortly before going to sleep. I remember noticing a feeling of anxiety, accompanied by a really intense feeling of my body being pushed in a certain direction. It felt kind of exciting. Then I noticed a thought about death and I felt a bit like my body was being eaten by worms and insects. It didn't feel very scary, more like watching a bad horror movie.

Sat 40 minutes this morning. First counted the breath 3x10. Then started noting.
Noticed tension in my back, itches, aches, stinging, pricking. Thoughts about the future, image thoughts, planning thoughts. Some tingling sensations, some flickering, and a tingling wave through my upper body. After that coolness, waiting, wandering off, pressure on my skin, not knowing what to note. Some tension in my abdomen. Eventually a bit of tingling, and then I started feeling restless and impatient, and noticed an urge to move. I remained sitting still, and still noticed impatience. Also a lot of thinking.

Just sat 42 minutes. First did some breath counting, then switched to noting.
Noticed fantasizing, image thoughts, future thoughts. Also a bit of tension in my stomach, itches, waiting, expectation. Some moving/morphing lights. Then I noticed that I was wandering off a lot, and forgot noting all the time. Feeling of slowing down, just sitting without much attention. Also noticed mapping thoughts. Then I noticed some tension in my stomach, and a bit of chaotic visual sensations. The tension increased, but not in an unpleasant way; I kind of enjoyed it. I felt more focused and aware. Also some strange scenarios in my mind, and then I felt rather warm, and the tension spread to my chest. Also quite a lot of mapping thoughts. Then gradually I felt less aware, and also a bit cooler. Wandering off again, and then I noticed a short tingling sensation and flickering light. Then tension in my back, turning into a back ache, itches, restlessness, impatience. I intended not to move, which worked for a short while, but then I felt an urge to move and I stretched my body. Not long after that I decided to get up.

I feel more tensed than usual the last week. For example, right now (without having had any coffee) I feel like I've had a really strong cup of coffee (I always get quite tensed when I've had coffee).

Great reports, Marc. Just curious--are you noting 'pleasant,' 'unpleasant' or 'neutral' as various phenomena occur?